Lists, Etc.

spring wrote:

"I hate those smarmy lists like 'what a real dom is/isn't,' and 'guides for a true/natural submissive,' and 'natural submissives vs bedroom submissives' or 'submissives vs slaves' discussions.

They seem ok on the surface, like nice little guidelines to aim for, but when you really think about it, it's just another list of what a 'true' dom/sub is, and if you're not doing/acting what's on the list, then you're not 'there/real/doing it the right way.' "


This whole subject is really tricky and there have been endless debates about it whether there is a need or a force to any standards. I end up differentiating it as follows:

If there is a community, then there is some legitimacy to the concept of standards, norms, etc. If there is no community (or one is not a part of any community) then it is a totally one on one endeavor and standards and norms and terms like "true" submissive, etc., have no particular meaning.

Note that the community in question can be virtual. Since few people live in Gorean communes, The Other World Kingdom, The Estate, or The Femdom Ranch and Basket Weaving Cooperative, the notion of in-person community for most is severely limited. That's both a good and a bad thing. Since people feel invincible in what feels like the total anonymity of on-line, personality traits tend to get magnified. (For whatever reason the bad ones seem to get magnified more.) The norms that regulate in-person conduct are absent; in an arena like D/s that's emotionally charged to begin with that's especially dangerous, potentially.

So what about those lists, in this largely community-free existence?

I think spring had it right with her first impression: they are just nice little guidelines. Often when someone is writing about a topic that he or she is passionate about, the writing can take on a preachy, or dictatorial, or condescending tone.

But if one can separate out the tone, the passion, the incredible excitement that someone often feels after discovering the thing that makes his or her secret desire suddenly, magically seem OK, then honestly more often than not what you have is a bunch of motherhood and apple pie nice little guidelines. Common-sense things to aspire to.

A Ferrari and a Yugo require very different levels and kinds of maintenance, but both are capable of doing 60 in a 25 mph zone, and it's an equally bad idea for both. The speed limit sign doesn't offend us because it has no tone. If the sign said "if you were a truly good driver you'd be doing 25" the underlying message might be the same but there would be a lot of pissed-off drivers and nervous pedestrians.