A girl very new to the lifestyle came into the room last night.
I tend to give people in that situation a lot of attention . . . everyone was new at one point, and it's not easy. And often one's early experiences largely determine one's overall outlook on things in D/s. So I see it both as something nice to do on a personal level and a service to the community at large to help new people any way I can. [Obviously My output is proportional to what the other person contributes, at a certain point . . . if the new person's desire is to hide in the corner, I respect that and leave the person be after a couple attempts at drawing him or her out a bit.]
her backstory was not that unusual . . . married to a very vanilla man, bi-curious, and looking for some way(s) to express her submissive yearnings. I saw My contribution as more than anything letter her know that she's in an environment where she can ask questions, and not be afraid of making a misstep.
The frustrating part, at times, is that One usually doesn't know how things end for the person, since they usually move on. Or give up, or whatever ends up happening. At times I've been questioned as to why I "bother."
It's not a bad question, and My answer is satisfying to Me, if not to most. And the asnwer is simply this: What I give, I give. The value of what's given is not to be measured by "results" or lack thereof, since those results are governed by multiple variables, only one or two of I can ever be aware of. The value of what's given is in the mere act of offering it. "Success" will be measured by each person in his or her own ideosyncratic terms; the "success" for Me in this situation is holding true to My desire to try to be of help. For Me, that's enough, and it avoids Me falling into the traps of regret, disappointment, or uncertainty. I wish everyone a happy and safe journey, of course, but I know what I can't know, so I never feel cheated by not knowing.
Hot Off the Presses!
I read something on a blog a week or so ago (can't remember which one or I'd credit it here . . . it was one of those link from a link from a link from a link from a blog I'm linked to deals), where the author was talking about why she hadn't posted much lately. One thing she cited was that she often "saved posts up so that the current post could accumulate comments." She went on to say that she was going to stop doing that, and just publish what she wrote and move on.
I've thought about doing that same thing from time to time. Comments are, after all, good, in that they do show some tangible proof of readership. And, in the case of this blog, at least, they're always relevant and thoughtful; I enjoy finding them and reading them. And I'll admit, sometimes I'll look at a blog and see a post with 23 comments on it and feel the slightest bit envious . . .
But I've made the committment to try to post something every day, even if it's a bit of fluff or a pic. I love clicking on the blogs I link to and finding something new there. I assume that this is a pretty common feeling, and, to Me, it's important to keep up the feeling of this as a "daily" thing. There are any number of posts that might look different, or not exist at all, had I kept them in the hopper and revisited them before publishing. But that sort of defeats the purpose of this, for Me. I like to publish everything to this "think tank on the go" as it's written.
So keep those comments coming. . . . and don't forget to scroll down . . .
I've thought about doing that same thing from time to time. Comments are, after all, good, in that they do show some tangible proof of readership. And, in the case of this blog, at least, they're always relevant and thoughtful; I enjoy finding them and reading them. And I'll admit, sometimes I'll look at a blog and see a post with 23 comments on it and feel the slightest bit envious . . .
But I've made the committment to try to post something every day, even if it's a bit of fluff or a pic. I love clicking on the blogs I link to and finding something new there. I assume that this is a pretty common feeling, and, to Me, it's important to keep up the feeling of this as a "daily" thing. There are any number of posts that might look different, or not exist at all, had I kept them in the hopper and revisited them before publishing. But that sort of defeats the purpose of this, for Me. I like to publish everything to this "think tank on the go" as it's written.
So keep those comments coming. . . . and don't forget to scroll down . . .
What april Might Have Done, If . . .
Was talking to a girl last night (I'll call her april) and she related an indicent that happened to her earlier in the day.
april went on IRC and visited a room that she used to frequent fairly frequently, but not nearly so often lately (can't blame her . . . the #Enchanted_Palms habit is hard to break LOL).
Anyway, she's in the room . . . and receives a private message from a Dom. He leads off with the ever-popular "fall down at My feet you dirty slut!" sort of thing. Now, normally april would simply put this hoser on IGNORE and be done with it. (Helpful hint to aspiring IRC Doms: "Fall down at My feet you dirty slut!" should come at least a few posts after "hello.")
But this wasn't a normal day . . . april wasn't having a good day, and she'd just had enough. So she let loose on the Guy. I didn't see the exact conversation, but knowing april, I'm sure it was hilarious, pointed, and totally deserved.
But then, in talking with Me about it, april said that as she thought about it afterwards, she admitted that had she been owned, she would've been much less likely to react that way. In short, part of what "allowed" her to react the way she did was the lack of overt consequences. Had she been owned, she'd have felt compelled to report the incident to her Master, and then take the punishment that might result.
april didn't feel good about that . . . she feels (with some justification) that her behavior should be more based on what's right, and not dependent upoin whether or not there is a Master to suffer consequences from.
Now, I understand that position, but, if you think about it . . . people often do the right thing for the "wrong" reasons, and vice versa. Yes, april shouldn't need a Master to know right from wrong, and she doesn't, but if one is submissive (and april is, deeply . . . more deeply than she herself realizes, actually), then one needs to be able to embrace the freedom of being submissive to Another . . . and one of the big freedoms is not having to decide certain things. Some of those things are trivial, some bigger. april's thinking of what a Master might have thought of her actions . . . and realizing that she may not in fact have taken the course she did had she currently had a Master . . . is a reflection, a tacit acknowledgement of the freedom there is in submission, even though she struggled with that realization.
It's OK, it's more than OK . . . in fact it's necessary to understand that one can and will act differently without the guidance of a Master/Mistress. This is not to say that everyone must have one -- it's just to remind april, and those in similar situations, that one of the main reasons one is submissive is becasue it feels good to submit -- to realize that one's thoughts and actions can, will, and should be different when owned than when not. And to not feel bad about doing things in the absence of being owned that one probably wouldn't do otherwise. Otherwise, why bother being submissive if the authority one submits to produces nothing different in you?
april went on IRC and visited a room that she used to frequent fairly frequently, but not nearly so often lately (can't blame her . . . the #Enchanted_Palms habit is hard to break LOL).
Anyway, she's in the room . . . and receives a private message from a Dom. He leads off with the ever-popular "fall down at My feet you dirty slut!" sort of thing. Now, normally april would simply put this hoser on IGNORE and be done with it. (Helpful hint to aspiring IRC Doms: "Fall down at My feet you dirty slut!" should come at least a few posts after "hello.")
But this wasn't a normal day . . . april wasn't having a good day, and she'd just had enough. So she let loose on the Guy. I didn't see the exact conversation, but knowing april, I'm sure it was hilarious, pointed, and totally deserved.
But then, in talking with Me about it, april said that as she thought about it afterwards, she admitted that had she been owned, she would've been much less likely to react that way. In short, part of what "allowed" her to react the way she did was the lack of overt consequences. Had she been owned, she'd have felt compelled to report the incident to her Master, and then take the punishment that might result.
april didn't feel good about that . . . she feels (with some justification) that her behavior should be more based on what's right, and not dependent upoin whether or not there is a Master to suffer consequences from.
Now, I understand that position, but, if you think about it . . . people often do the right thing for the "wrong" reasons, and vice versa. Yes, april shouldn't need a Master to know right from wrong, and she doesn't, but if one is submissive (and april is, deeply . . . more deeply than she herself realizes, actually), then one needs to be able to embrace the freedom of being submissive to Another . . . and one of the big freedoms is not having to decide certain things. Some of those things are trivial, some bigger. april's thinking of what a Master might have thought of her actions . . . and realizing that she may not in fact have taken the course she did had she currently had a Master . . . is a reflection, a tacit acknowledgement of the freedom there is in submission, even though she struggled with that realization.
It's OK, it's more than OK . . . in fact it's necessary to understand that one can and will act differently without the guidance of a Master/Mistress. This is not to say that everyone must have one -- it's just to remind april, and those in similar situations, that one of the main reasons one is submissive is becasue it feels good to submit -- to realize that one's thoughts and actions can, will, and should be different when owned than when not. And to not feel bad about doing things in the absence of being owned that one probably wouldn't do otherwise. Otherwise, why bother being submissive if the authority one submits to produces nothing different in you?
Breaking the Shell, Part 3
I want to clean up what feel like a few loose ends from the previous two posts.
1. Breaking the shell does put the submissive in a very odd place, potentially. she will experience a rush of conflicting emotions, typcially, and not all of those will be positive. her feeling of vulnerability will often be so strong as to be overwhelming, and very frightening. In some cases the submissive may "snap back" very hard. The Dom/me has to be aware that this might happen; the self has a million ways to reinforce the crack in the shell. That most of these ways are subconscious/unconscious makes this a very difficult topic to discuss, since the submissive will in most cases not be able to articulate why she is feeling/doing the things she is feeling/doing.
2. Thus, the Dom/me has to be committed to a potentially long process . . . multiple iterations, continual gentle poking at the crack in the shell, are often necessary. Underpinning all this is the care and concern I spoke of previously; without those it will often feel cruel and unduly harsh to the submissive.
3. Thus, this is not something that can or should happen in anything other than a committed realtionship, however the parties define that for T/themselves. To Me, while there obviously is a physical danger in some forms of BDSM play (and "dangerous" scenarios can be very powerful and enthralling in that context), the real danger, assuming that neither party is insane or reckless and that the Dom/me has some minimum technical facility, is emotional. The repsonsible Dom/me must be committed to aftercare of the body but also "continuous care" of the most precious, fragile thing -- the submissive's emotional/spiritual self.
4. The "goal" as it were, of cracking the shell and what follows, is what I see as one of the essential paradoxes of D/s: The Liberation of the Self Through Submission. Many have experienced the freedom of giving up control. That freedom is a tiny inkling of a much larger, more encompassing freedom that is possible, once one moves from the basic stance of holding on and letting go here and there, to the stance of letting go, and holding on here and there.
And another kettle of fish . . . for another post.
1. Breaking the shell does put the submissive in a very odd place, potentially. she will experience a rush of conflicting emotions, typcially, and not all of those will be positive. her feeling of vulnerability will often be so strong as to be overwhelming, and very frightening. In some cases the submissive may "snap back" very hard. The Dom/me has to be aware that this might happen; the self has a million ways to reinforce the crack in the shell. That most of these ways are subconscious/unconscious makes this a very difficult topic to discuss, since the submissive will in most cases not be able to articulate why she is feeling/doing the things she is feeling/doing.
2. Thus, the Dom/me has to be committed to a potentially long process . . . multiple iterations, continual gentle poking at the crack in the shell, are often necessary. Underpinning all this is the care and concern I spoke of previously; without those it will often feel cruel and unduly harsh to the submissive.
3. Thus, this is not something that can or should happen in anything other than a committed realtionship, however the parties define that for T/themselves. To Me, while there obviously is a physical danger in some forms of BDSM play (and "dangerous" scenarios can be very powerful and enthralling in that context), the real danger, assuming that neither party is insane or reckless and that the Dom/me has some minimum technical facility, is emotional. The repsonsible Dom/me must be committed to aftercare of the body but also "continuous care" of the most precious, fragile thing -- the submissive's emotional/spiritual self.
4. The "goal" as it were, of cracking the shell and what follows, is what I see as one of the essential paradoxes of D/s: The Liberation of the Self Through Submission. Many have experienced the freedom of giving up control. That freedom is a tiny inkling of a much larger, more encompassing freedom that is possible, once one moves from the basic stance of holding on and letting go here and there, to the stance of letting go, and holding on here and there.
And another kettle of fish . . . for another post.
Breaking the Shell, Part 2
I talked last time about the concept of breaking the shell.
This, in My way of approaching things . . . is not "breaking" the submissive. The term "breaking" to Me, has the connotation of breaking her will, and that is not exactly what I am after.
What I want . . . and this will sound, I"m sure to many, completely unrealistic, is for My girls to do everything I want because they want to. This is the "trick that's not a trick" I've spoken of before . . . stating everything straight out, in clear terms -- revealing the "trick" -- and still having it work.
This is where breaking the shell comes in. One has to be let inside before One can begin to rearrange the furniture. And for most of us, whatever role/orientation we are, the house is very well-guarded, often in very complex ways.
So, in practical terms, what is breaking the shell? How is it done?
What is it? It is planting two concepts, very deeply. One sort of negative, one very positive. The sort of negative idea is that whatever the submissive might have thought submission is . . . it isn't. It is much much more. The very positive one is that the submissive has no idea whatsoever what she is truly capable of . . . she has no inkling of the things she can be, and feel. Cracking the shell is simply (simply -- ha!) getting the submissive ot understand those two concepts -- at first intellecutally, later on, intuitively.
Interestingly enough, these ideas are pretty threatening, usually, especially at first. Even more perverse is the fact that the positive idea is more threatening than the negative one. Which leads to how it's done.
How is it done? LOL Verrrrrrrrry carefully.
It's a combination of something very intense . . . something unqiuely for the submissive in question. It could be the pushing of a limit, but it isn't necessarily. But it has be something that takes the submissive "outside" of herself, something that, for an instant, at least, rearranges everything.
The second part is the Dom/me's constancy, tenderness, and care. It's long conversations, thoughtful explanations, patient asnwering of questions, reassurance, etc. It's a gentle but constant reinforcement . . . the goal is that the submissive understands that something has changed in her, not necessarily that she understands right away what has changed.
It's then that the real learning, the real submission, can really take place.
More to follow . . .
This, in My way of approaching things . . . is not "breaking" the submissive. The term "breaking" to Me, has the connotation of breaking her will, and that is not exactly what I am after.
What I want . . . and this will sound, I"m sure to many, completely unrealistic, is for My girls to do everything I want because they want to. This is the "trick that's not a trick" I've spoken of before . . . stating everything straight out, in clear terms -- revealing the "trick" -- and still having it work.
This is where breaking the shell comes in. One has to be let inside before One can begin to rearrange the furniture. And for most of us, whatever role/orientation we are, the house is very well-guarded, often in very complex ways.
So, in practical terms, what is breaking the shell? How is it done?
What is it? It is planting two concepts, very deeply. One sort of negative, one very positive. The sort of negative idea is that whatever the submissive might have thought submission is . . . it isn't. It is much much more. The very positive one is that the submissive has no idea whatsoever what she is truly capable of . . . she has no inkling of the things she can be, and feel. Cracking the shell is simply (simply -- ha!) getting the submissive ot understand those two concepts -- at first intellecutally, later on, intuitively.
Interestingly enough, these ideas are pretty threatening, usually, especially at first. Even more perverse is the fact that the positive idea is more threatening than the negative one. Which leads to how it's done.
How is it done? LOL Verrrrrrrrry carefully.
It's a combination of something very intense . . . something unqiuely for the submissive in question. It could be the pushing of a limit, but it isn't necessarily. But it has be something that takes the submissive "outside" of herself, something that, for an instant, at least, rearranges everything.
The second part is the Dom/me's constancy, tenderness, and care. It's long conversations, thoughtful explanations, patient asnwering of questions, reassurance, etc. It's a gentle but constant reinforcement . . . the goal is that the submissive understands that something has changed in her, not necessarily that she understands right away what has changed.
It's then that the real learning, the real submission, can really take place.
More to follow . . .
Breaking the Shell, Part 1
Each submissive has a certain distance s/he's willing to go, with little or no prodding. This is a thing that varies from person to person, a function of any number of factors.
And that is waht makes many D/s relationships easy and fun in the early going. It feels good to the submissive . . . and it's heightened by the overall excitement of a new relationship.
But that's not enough, for many Dom/mes, or for many submissives.
When I say "willing to go," I'm not talking about limits, per se. Limits are determined by so many variables that One can't really address them head-on, and what I'm talking about in terms of "more" really isn't about limits.
A submissive goes a certain way on his or her own . . . and then One runs up against what I call "the shell."
The shell is the barrier between what we're willing to give, what we're willing to let go of, and what we feel we must hold onto. All of us have one . . . and how hard, how resilient, it is depends on a multitude of things.
The Dom/me has to crack that shell. Not to destory it, but to allow the submissive to be able to begin to consider another way. We are highly geared towards our shells being non-permeable; even poeple who think of themselves as highly flexible are by and large flexible only in the part outside the shell. But there is no real depth of submission unless the shell can be cracked.
This is of course a dicey proposition, and has to be highly tailored to the particualr submissive. It may take many iterations; it calls for creativity and finesse and a certain amount of cunning on the part of the Dominant. It takes also a certain amount of suspension of disbelief on the submissive's part, since One never wants to trick anyone into anything.
It ends up being like a magic trick, where the magician explains how the trick works ahead of time, yet the audience ends up amazed nonetheless. Certainly, no trivial feat.
There is a lot more to say about this . . . in future isntallments.
And that is waht makes many D/s relationships easy and fun in the early going. It feels good to the submissive . . . and it's heightened by the overall excitement of a new relationship.
But that's not enough, for many Dom/mes, or for many submissives.
When I say "willing to go," I'm not talking about limits, per se. Limits are determined by so many variables that One can't really address them head-on, and what I'm talking about in terms of "more" really isn't about limits.
A submissive goes a certain way on his or her own . . . and then One runs up against what I call "the shell."
The shell is the barrier between what we're willing to give, what we're willing to let go of, and what we feel we must hold onto. All of us have one . . . and how hard, how resilient, it is depends on a multitude of things.
The Dom/me has to crack that shell. Not to destory it, but to allow the submissive to be able to begin to consider another way. We are highly geared towards our shells being non-permeable; even poeple who think of themselves as highly flexible are by and large flexible only in the part outside the shell. But there is no real depth of submission unless the shell can be cracked.
This is of course a dicey proposition, and has to be highly tailored to the particualr submissive. It may take many iterations; it calls for creativity and finesse and a certain amount of cunning on the part of the Dominant. It takes also a certain amount of suspension of disbelief on the submissive's part, since One never wants to trick anyone into anything.
It ends up being like a magic trick, where the magician explains how the trick works ahead of time, yet the audience ends up amazed nonetheless. Certainly, no trivial feat.
There is a lot more to say about this . . . in future isntallments.
Sick-ish
Not feeling too well tonight . . . so will have to put the post that's swimming around in My head on hold until tomorrow.
Fridays
I hate working late on a Friday. Friday is for being productive in the morning tp celar the decks (between thinking about lunch), followed by a longer-than normal lunch, followed by a wind-down sort of afternoon that consists mainly of gabbing with co-workers, discussing weekend plans or lamenting the lack thereof, bitching about upper management, etc. A slightly early exit ideally follows and one starts the weekend happy, refreshed, and full of fun and life.
Then are Fridays like this one. Things that should've happened first thing didn't happen until the early afternoon, forcing Me into a reverse of what Friday should be: A boring and unenjoyable morning as the frustration slowly mounts and the vague terror that goes with it as one mentally calculates the diminsihing hours of the work day, followed by a hasty lunch and a mad tense scramable at the end to not be a total loser and end up working really late on a Friday.
Well, this clearly falls under My catchall operating principle of the universe, "stuff happens," but, fuck, I hate it when this sort of stuff happens to Me. Don't they know I'm Mistress of the Universe? I mean, really . . .
Along these lines, I present following helpful guide for making Fridays at the office more pleasant for everyone.
1. If you are just not into it on a Friday, and you know that people will be depending on you for things, do everyone a favor and call in sick, or develop a sudden case of dengue fever or something and GO HOME. Make sure you take with you when you leave anything that will allow someone else to do what you should've done, since the over-zealous weasel boss will doubtless think of this, having just come back from boss training where they taught him all about delegation and back-ups plans and the like.
2. Do not schedule any meeting(s) for a Friday. No one is into it. Only shame and disrespect cna come to you. The following exceptions do however apply:
A. Catered lunch meetings with really good food are permissable on Fridays, if there is no more than 15 minutes of actual meeting business and two hours have been blocked off for the meeting.
B. Friday morning meetings are permissable, if bagels and good coffee are provided and the subject matter is not too taxing.
C. A Friday afternoon meetings are allowed if and only if they take place offsite, and it's clearly understood that no one will be coming back to the office afterwards. Again, given that it's Friday afternoon, the ratio of actual meeting agenda to idle chatter must be appropriate.
3. OK, we all know you're an ace . . . you're going places. You work 70 hours a week and everyone in management knows it. You're going to be youngest VP/partner/regional manager in the history of the company. You take work home, you work while grocery shopping, bringing in new business and closing deals on your hands free cell phone.
That's great. But guess what? Your job isn't that important. The fate of the company, the destiny of nations, tomorrow's sunrise . . . none of them hinge on you working so damn much and trying to look good doing it. Fridays are the time not only to realize this for yourself, but to stop inflicting your warped sense of self-importance on the rest of us. Lighten up -- it's Friday!
4. Do not, and this is very important, talk to the boss about any problems on a Friday. The boss is genetically programmed to respond to problems in ways that the staff is going to find massively inconvenient. No one needs this on a Friday. Whatever is wrong will still be wrong on Monday morning, at which time you can revel in describing it to the boss in luxuriant detail while you hang on every word of his forceful and brilliant analysis.
5. Along those same lines . . . do not voice any birght ideas on a Friday. Nothing good can come of it. If you really have to tell someone, see 2C above and schedule an last-minute "off-site meeting" for the afternoon.
I wish everyone a great weekend.
Then are Fridays like this one. Things that should've happened first thing didn't happen until the early afternoon, forcing Me into a reverse of what Friday should be: A boring and unenjoyable morning as the frustration slowly mounts and the vague terror that goes with it as one mentally calculates the diminsihing hours of the work day, followed by a hasty lunch and a mad tense scramable at the end to not be a total loser and end up working really late on a Friday.
Well, this clearly falls under My catchall operating principle of the universe, "stuff happens," but, fuck, I hate it when this sort of stuff happens to Me. Don't they know I'm Mistress of the Universe? I mean, really . . .
Along these lines, I present following helpful guide for making Fridays at the office more pleasant for everyone.
1. If you are just not into it on a Friday, and you know that people will be depending on you for things, do everyone a favor and call in sick, or develop a sudden case of dengue fever or something and GO HOME. Make sure you take with you when you leave anything that will allow someone else to do what you should've done, since the over-zealous weasel boss will doubtless think of this, having just come back from boss training where they taught him all about delegation and back-ups plans and the like.
2. Do not schedule any meeting(s) for a Friday. No one is into it. Only shame and disrespect cna come to you. The following exceptions do however apply:
A. Catered lunch meetings with really good food are permissable on Fridays, if there is no more than 15 minutes of actual meeting business and two hours have been blocked off for the meeting.
B. Friday morning meetings are permissable, if bagels and good coffee are provided and the subject matter is not too taxing.
C. A Friday afternoon meetings are allowed if and only if they take place offsite, and it's clearly understood that no one will be coming back to the office afterwards. Again, given that it's Friday afternoon, the ratio of actual meeting agenda to idle chatter must be appropriate.
3. OK, we all know you're an ace . . . you're going places. You work 70 hours a week and everyone in management knows it. You're going to be youngest VP/partner/regional manager in the history of the company. You take work home, you work while grocery shopping, bringing in new business and closing deals on your hands free cell phone.
That's great. But guess what? Your job isn't that important. The fate of the company, the destiny of nations, tomorrow's sunrise . . . none of them hinge on you working so damn much and trying to look good doing it. Fridays are the time not only to realize this for yourself, but to stop inflicting your warped sense of self-importance on the rest of us. Lighten up -- it's Friday!
4. Do not, and this is very important, talk to the boss about any problems on a Friday. The boss is genetically programmed to respond to problems in ways that the staff is going to find massively inconvenient. No one needs this on a Friday. Whatever is wrong will still be wrong on Monday morning, at which time you can revel in describing it to the boss in luxuriant detail while you hang on every word of his forceful and brilliant analysis.
5. Along those same lines . . . do not voice any birght ideas on a Friday. Nothing good can come of it. If you really have to tell someone, see 2C above and schedule an last-minute "off-site meeting" for the afternoon.
I wish everyone a great weekend.
Who Defines Submission?
jocelyn wrote in her blog about struggling with being submissive enough, and feeling, as a result of her perceived failure to do so, that her husband wasn't acting as Dominant.
This is one of those conundrums that continually crops up in D/s.
The answer, from My personal "handbook" is straightforward, if not necessarily satisfying:
The submissive doesn't get to define what constitutes "submission."
While I have no doubt of the absolute accuracy of that statement, I recognize the complications.
1. The submissive's submissive feelings, are, to varying degrees, based on his or her own ideas of what submissioin is. The inner compulsion that leads one to explore submission in the first place is most often based on powerful (if largely repressed) feelings.
So it's almost unavoidable that the submissive comes into it with his or her own preconceptions of what submission is.
2. Responding to/acting on those submissive feelings . . . feels good. Thus there is a disincentive to break out of certain patterns.
3. When a romantic non-D/s relationship has existed prior to one partner becoming submissive, it's ever more difficult, as certain norms have established themselves. Such norms are not always easily dispensed with, particularly for the Dominant.
How to deal with those complications?
The same way that the wise Dom/me deals with all aspects of D/s: With a combination of insight, understanding, and consistency.
Insight. D/s is a very complicated subject, intellectually. This is easy to lose sight of becasue 1) the feelings invovled are so intense, and 2) many people's initial interest in D/s is/was sexually based/fueled.
So it's incumbent upon the Dom/me to continually explain and re-explain certain concepts. (Which is it's own complication -- the not-so-secret secret is that being Dom/me doesn't magically endow One with insight and the ability to articulate that insight.) The good Dom/me needs to push Him/Herself to improve His or Her ability to explain, because the submissive's ultimate well-being and growth depend on the Dom/me's ability to communicate, and to be creative in seeking alternative methods of explaining difficult or non-obvious concepts.
Understanding. A lot of Dom/mes aren't good talkers; the sad fact is that even more aren't good listeners. The Dom/me must create and reinforce an enviornment where the submissive truly understands that in the appropriate forum, he or she can say anything, can bring up any subject. The submissive is willingly giving up a big piece of what we've all been brought up to understand is a vitally important, highly personal, and unique part of his or her identity: his or her control over his/her own person.
That is incredibly difficult, and not sustainable without sidesteps, missteps and even the occasional back-step. The Dom/me has to be able to recognize this, and to understand it (not just tolerate it). To be patient enough to know that it's temporary, smart enough to understand that it's necessary, open enough to encourage discussion of it, and strong enough to stay on the path Him/Herself. Which leads right to . . .
Consistency. In the end, the most powerful thing a Domme can do is to remain consistent. S/he sees. Explains. Undesrstands that things will sometimes go awry. But S/He continually, unwaveringly holds out for the what S/He wants and expects, in word, in thought, in action.
Consistency is calming. It reassures the submissive without a word that his or trust is not misplaced. Consistency is comforting. The submissive is able to know, eithout thinking about it, that his or her Owner is there, solidly. Consistency is freeing. Freed of worries about stability and trust, the submissive can really let go and begin to move farther, deeper along the path.
In an environment where the Dom/me practices insight, understanding, and consistency, the submissive will eventually, of his or her own accord, see that defining submission in his or her own terms (and worrying about the results on his or her own) is simply a beginning step, like training wheels on a bicycle -- it gets you able to simulate riding a bike. But just as no one goes back to training wheels once they learn how to ride without them, once the urge to define submission for one's self has been shed, it will seem, looking back, as a fond memory, but no longer an item of active consideration or usefulness.
This is one of those conundrums that continually crops up in D/s.
The answer, from My personal "handbook" is straightforward, if not necessarily satisfying:
The submissive doesn't get to define what constitutes "submission."
While I have no doubt of the absolute accuracy of that statement, I recognize the complications.
1. The submissive's submissive feelings, are, to varying degrees, based on his or her own ideas of what submissioin is. The inner compulsion that leads one to explore submission in the first place is most often based on powerful (if largely repressed) feelings.
So it's almost unavoidable that the submissive comes into it with his or her own preconceptions of what submission is.
2. Responding to/acting on those submissive feelings . . . feels good. Thus there is a disincentive to break out of certain patterns.
3. When a romantic non-D/s relationship has existed prior to one partner becoming submissive, it's ever more difficult, as certain norms have established themselves. Such norms are not always easily dispensed with, particularly for the Dominant.
How to deal with those complications?
The same way that the wise Dom/me deals with all aspects of D/s: With a combination of insight, understanding, and consistency.
Insight. D/s is a very complicated subject, intellectually. This is easy to lose sight of becasue 1) the feelings invovled are so intense, and 2) many people's initial interest in D/s is/was sexually based/fueled.
So it's incumbent upon the Dom/me to continually explain and re-explain certain concepts. (Which is it's own complication -- the not-so-secret secret is that being Dom/me doesn't magically endow One with insight and the ability to articulate that insight.) The good Dom/me needs to push Him/Herself to improve His or Her ability to explain, because the submissive's ultimate well-being and growth depend on the Dom/me's ability to communicate, and to be creative in seeking alternative methods of explaining difficult or non-obvious concepts.
Understanding. A lot of Dom/mes aren't good talkers; the sad fact is that even more aren't good listeners. The Dom/me must create and reinforce an enviornment where the submissive truly understands that in the appropriate forum, he or she can say anything, can bring up any subject. The submissive is willingly giving up a big piece of what we've all been brought up to understand is a vitally important, highly personal, and unique part of his or her identity: his or her control over his/her own person.
That is incredibly difficult, and not sustainable without sidesteps, missteps and even the occasional back-step. The Dom/me has to be able to recognize this, and to understand it (not just tolerate it). To be patient enough to know that it's temporary, smart enough to understand that it's necessary, open enough to encourage discussion of it, and strong enough to stay on the path Him/Herself. Which leads right to . . .
Consistency. In the end, the most powerful thing a Domme can do is to remain consistent. S/he sees. Explains. Undesrstands that things will sometimes go awry. But S/He continually, unwaveringly holds out for the what S/He wants and expects, in word, in thought, in action.
Consistency is calming. It reassures the submissive without a word that his or trust is not misplaced. Consistency is comforting. The submissive is able to know, eithout thinking about it, that his or her Owner is there, solidly. Consistency is freeing. Freed of worries about stability and trust, the submissive can really let go and begin to move farther, deeper along the path.
In an environment where the Dom/me practices insight, understanding, and consistency, the submissive will eventually, of his or her own accord, see that defining submission in his or her own terms (and worrying about the results on his or her own) is simply a beginning step, like training wheels on a bicycle -- it gets you able to simulate riding a bike. But just as no one goes back to training wheels once they learn how to ride without them, once the urge to define submission for one's self has been shed, it will seem, looking back, as a fond memory, but no longer an item of active consideration or usefulness.
Quick Notes
1. Channel stats have been updated. See the link over in the sidebar.
2. A general note of thanks to all who read, and especially to those who stop and share their thoughts on this blog. I really appreaciate it, and look forward to reading people's comments.
3. Baseball is another passion of Mine. I was going to write about baseball here, but I"ve decided that it's easier to keep baseball and D/s blogging separate, so I've started a baseball blog. It's not ready to be viewed yet . . . there will be a link here when the baseball blog is open for business.
4. Be good.
2. A general note of thanks to all who read, and especially to those who stop and share their thoughts on this blog. I really appreaciate it, and look forward to reading people's comments.
3. Baseball is another passion of Mine. I was going to write about baseball here, but I"ve decided that it's easier to keep baseball and D/s blogging separate, so I've started a baseball blog. It's not ready to be viewed yet . . . there will be a link here when the baseball blog is open for business.
4. Be good.
Acceptance, Part 2
There was a comment in response to the "Acceptance" post (thank you, saratoga) about how the submissive must sometimes accept that the Dom/me that one is with isn't the right One, and make the decisioin to move on.
That's incredibly difficult. Having been in the position to have to release a slave before, I can testify that it's no fun, on either side.
But it's more difficult for the submissive, usually. Part of being submissive is, to put it plainly, putting up with stuff. And many submissives, in the quest to be "good," will figure their their capacity to put up with stuff is a direct measure of their worth as a submissive.
Now, up to a point, that's true.
But, really, this is an area where vanilla relationships and D/s reltationships share a something in common: There is a time when it's just over, when it hurts too much to continue to be in the situation. A time when one has put up with everything one can put up with, and there's nothing left.
One of My favorite philosphers, Andy Sipowicz of NYPD Blue, once gave the following advice to his partner: "Marriage is like pulling a piano up to an 8th-story window. You put your all into it, but when the rope breaks, you run like hell." (Trivia freaks please don't come down on Me. . . . the quote probably isn't exact, I acknowledge,)
A D/s relationship is perhaps even more like that, given the incredible intensity of the feelings that exposed, the depths of one's being that one has pulled out of one's self.
In an environment like that, one's limitations, both positive and negative, become apparent.
And, very importantly . . . the limitations of the Other become apparent, too. That, for many submissives, is often a shocking, shaking, revelation. At that point there is a decision, perhaps the submissive's last real decision, in many ways . . . to decide if one can continue . . . to decide if acceptance is bigger than what works against it.
But acceptance is not just accepting the limitations of the Other . . . but coming to terms with our own, as well. And that's by far the hardest part. And another chapter.
That's incredibly difficult. Having been in the position to have to release a slave before, I can testify that it's no fun, on either side.
But it's more difficult for the submissive, usually. Part of being submissive is, to put it plainly, putting up with stuff. And many submissives, in the quest to be "good," will figure their their capacity to put up with stuff is a direct measure of their worth as a submissive.
Now, up to a point, that's true.
But, really, this is an area where vanilla relationships and D/s reltationships share a something in common: There is a time when it's just over, when it hurts too much to continue to be in the situation. A time when one has put up with everything one can put up with, and there's nothing left.
One of My favorite philosphers, Andy Sipowicz of NYPD Blue, once gave the following advice to his partner: "Marriage is like pulling a piano up to an 8th-story window. You put your all into it, but when the rope breaks, you run like hell." (Trivia freaks please don't come down on Me. . . . the quote probably isn't exact, I acknowledge,)
A D/s relationship is perhaps even more like that, given the incredible intensity of the feelings that exposed, the depths of one's being that one has pulled out of one's self.
In an environment like that, one's limitations, both positive and negative, become apparent.
And, very importantly . . . the limitations of the Other become apparent, too. That, for many submissives, is often a shocking, shaking, revelation. At that point there is a decision, perhaps the submissive's last real decision, in many ways . . . to decide if one can continue . . . to decide if acceptance is bigger than what works against it.
But acceptance is not just accepting the limitations of the Other . . . but coming to terms with our own, as well. And that's by far the hardest part. And another chapter.
How Difficult It Is
A conversation last night reminded Me how difficult it is to be submissive.
I was talking to a girl (not one of Mine), and she mentioned that a Dom she talks to sometimes had complimented her, rather lavishly. she said that she was uncomfortable with compliments, often.
So, in My usual fashion, I dug a little deeper on that . . . and the girl reveals this:
"i guess i feel like i can accept the compliment, if i think it's justified." Or words to that effect.
Well, there's the eye-opener. Ch-ching!
I didn't pursue My "revelation" with her, for reasons of logisitics not having anything to do with her or the conversation.
But consider the underlying thought process of her statement above. In effect, a compliment's only real if the receiver thinks it's deserved.
As they say in France: au contraire, slut.
Here's the thing: At a certain point, being submissive not only means submitting one's will, one's power, etc., to varying degrees, but, as one moves, deepens, in one's submission, there is the point where one realizes that one must also submit to the assessments of Others. And, amazingly enough, that means the positive stuff, too.
Now, obviously, submitting to the assessment's of one's Owner, is a typcial, ongoing thing, that all owned submissives are more or less used to (even if they are not thrilled about it all the time). But if there are Others in one's life that one respects, one has to try to move to a point where one is able to let go of the impulse to "examine" those assessments for validity. Complimentary ones included.
I realize what I am saying. In its most radical form, I am saying that the submissive doesn't get to determine which compliments she should feel good about. And, well, assuming that the compliment doesn't come from a total stranger, a person known to have ulterior motives, or a drunk, that's what I'm saying. It is . . . a very advanced thing along the path . . . it's certainly not "submission 101."
It's not easy.
I was talking to a girl (not one of Mine), and she mentioned that a Dom she talks to sometimes had complimented her, rather lavishly. she said that she was uncomfortable with compliments, often.
So, in My usual fashion, I dug a little deeper on that . . . and the girl reveals this:
"i guess i feel like i can accept the compliment, if i think it's justified." Or words to that effect.
Well, there's the eye-opener. Ch-ching!
I didn't pursue My "revelation" with her, for reasons of logisitics not having anything to do with her or the conversation.
But consider the underlying thought process of her statement above. In effect, a compliment's only real if the receiver thinks it's deserved.
As they say in France: au contraire, slut.
Here's the thing: At a certain point, being submissive not only means submitting one's will, one's power, etc., to varying degrees, but, as one moves, deepens, in one's submission, there is the point where one realizes that one must also submit to the assessments of Others. And, amazingly enough, that means the positive stuff, too.
Now, obviously, submitting to the assessment's of one's Owner, is a typcial, ongoing thing, that all owned submissives are more or less used to (even if they are not thrilled about it all the time). But if there are Others in one's life that one respects, one has to try to move to a point where one is able to let go of the impulse to "examine" those assessments for validity. Complimentary ones included.
I realize what I am saying. In its most radical form, I am saying that the submissive doesn't get to determine which compliments she should feel good about. And, well, assuming that the compliment doesn't come from a total stranger, a person known to have ulterior motives, or a drunk, that's what I'm saying. It is . . . a very advanced thing along the path . . . it's certainly not "submission 101."
It's not easy.
On Being "Off"
I've been "off" lately.
Off. Not quite Me, somehow. It's annoying, frustrating, but temporary, I know.
I worry about it more in terms of the girls than I do for Myself. I know it's as transitory as it is inexplicable. It happens. It's not hormonal, as far as I can tell. It comes, it stays a while, then it's gone and I'm Me again. But I worry that My girls will suffer as a result of it, I feel as though it's not fair to them, in some way. Those fears are unfounded though, when I stop and rationally consider it. But still, part of not being Me is losing a little grip on rationality.
The knowledge that this feeling is temporary doesn't stop Me from examining it in excruciating detail, of course. This is a fruitless and humorous exercise. Fruitless because well, if I knew what was going on, I'd stop it and not have to indulge in the introspection. The humorous aspect comes afterwards when I realize 1) how fruitless it was, and 2) that I will do the exact same thing the next time it happens.
OK, I have an odd sense of humor, maybe.
I don't like the way I am when I'm off like this; that's no laughing matter. My normal patience is not quite there. I'm more likely to come right out and say exactly what I might be thinking without first considering the implications (which isn't always a bad thing, but it's just not Me). I lose My normal appreciation for food -- I barely care what I eat. I seem to sleep a normal amount but wake up tired. I feel as though I might be getting physically sick but nothing actually ever happens.
And the worst part is that when I'm like this, I really have to struggle to "feel" the girls. Normally that's an almost effortless thing among us . . . a gift that flows between us like a smooth current. When I'm like this, I have to work at it, and the results are not nearly as satisfying. And that is true sadness.
Well, enough whining for a Sunday morning. At a certain point, everything will feel completely normal and wonderful again, as mysteriously as it felt wrong and weird. Stuff happens.
Hurry up, stuff! Happen!
Off. Not quite Me, somehow. It's annoying, frustrating, but temporary, I know.
I worry about it more in terms of the girls than I do for Myself. I know it's as transitory as it is inexplicable. It happens. It's not hormonal, as far as I can tell. It comes, it stays a while, then it's gone and I'm Me again. But I worry that My girls will suffer as a result of it, I feel as though it's not fair to them, in some way. Those fears are unfounded though, when I stop and rationally consider it. But still, part of not being Me is losing a little grip on rationality.
The knowledge that this feeling is temporary doesn't stop Me from examining it in excruciating detail, of course. This is a fruitless and humorous exercise. Fruitless because well, if I knew what was going on, I'd stop it and not have to indulge in the introspection. The humorous aspect comes afterwards when I realize 1) how fruitless it was, and 2) that I will do the exact same thing the next time it happens.
OK, I have an odd sense of humor, maybe.
I don't like the way I am when I'm off like this; that's no laughing matter. My normal patience is not quite there. I'm more likely to come right out and say exactly what I might be thinking without first considering the implications (which isn't always a bad thing, but it's just not Me). I lose My normal appreciation for food -- I barely care what I eat. I seem to sleep a normal amount but wake up tired. I feel as though I might be getting physically sick but nothing actually ever happens.
And the worst part is that when I'm like this, I really have to struggle to "feel" the girls. Normally that's an almost effortless thing among us . . . a gift that flows between us like a smooth current. When I'm like this, I have to work at it, and the results are not nearly as satisfying. And that is true sadness.
Well, enough whining for a Sunday morning. At a certain point, everything will feel completely normal and wonderful again, as mysteriously as it felt wrong and weird. Stuff happens.
Hurry up, stuff! Happen!
The Love Thing, Part 2
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how, for Me, love is an essential ingredient in D/s.
But I do acknowlege that in D/s, love can really complicate things.
1. Sometimes, the people we love just piss us off. This is unavoidable. In a vanilla relationship, it's a difficult enough fact to contend with. In a D/s relationship, there's the added complication of the fact that the two parties necessarily have unequal power.
For the Dominant, there is the responsibility to stop and think and not let one's pissed-off state cause Him or Her to act irresponsibly, to abuse His or Her power.
For the submissive, it's even more complicated, becasue the submissive may have trouble even acknowledging being pissed off, because there may be the thought that he or she isn't somehow entitled to feel that towards the Mistress/Master. And, more commonly, the submissive will often have a huge frustration in feeling that he or she can't adequately express how pissed off he or she is becasue it's so difficult to do that within the bounds of what is typically considered appropriate respect.
And, as much as I write about being calm and taking everything in stride . . . don't get Me wrong: Being pissed off has its place. While I always hope that My girls respond to My overall gentle, Zen-like ways, there are times when I need to be able to let them know, without punishing them per se, that I am not happy with the level of effort being shown. When you love someone, it's inherently more difficult to do that.
2. It is often much more difficult to teach someone that One is in love with. Or sometimes, to learn from Someone that one might is in love with. Every girl who's ever daydreamed through a class taught by a teacher they had a mad crush on knows what I mean.
It's equally difficult to be the teacher in that situation. Thankfully we're all adults here. LOL.
3. When You love someone, it can be really hard to "push" them. This is where One needs to be very strong . . . becasue it's so easy to simply pick up on the submissive's uncomfortability and let things slide. The flip side, of course, if that when You love someone, you're more attuned to when You shouldn't be pushing. But, overall, love isn't at times terribly compatible with dispensing the bad-tasting medicine.
So, I do understand those whose theory of D/s holds that love doesn't belong . . . it does complicate things, sometimes massively. If One's goal is to train, and simply to train, then I might go as far to say that love really has no place there. But for Me, for what I want to achieve, for where I want/need to take Mine . . . the plusses of love far outweigh the minuses.
But I do acknowlege that in D/s, love can really complicate things.
1. Sometimes, the people we love just piss us off. This is unavoidable. In a vanilla relationship, it's a difficult enough fact to contend with. In a D/s relationship, there's the added complication of the fact that the two parties necessarily have unequal power.
For the Dominant, there is the responsibility to stop and think and not let one's pissed-off state cause Him or Her to act irresponsibly, to abuse His or Her power.
For the submissive, it's even more complicated, becasue the submissive may have trouble even acknowledging being pissed off, because there may be the thought that he or she isn't somehow entitled to feel that towards the Mistress/Master. And, more commonly, the submissive will often have a huge frustration in feeling that he or she can't adequately express how pissed off he or she is becasue it's so difficult to do that within the bounds of what is typically considered appropriate respect.
And, as much as I write about being calm and taking everything in stride . . . don't get Me wrong: Being pissed off has its place. While I always hope that My girls respond to My overall gentle, Zen-like ways, there are times when I need to be able to let them know, without punishing them per se, that I am not happy with the level of effort being shown. When you love someone, it's inherently more difficult to do that.
2. It is often much more difficult to teach someone that One is in love with. Or sometimes, to learn from Someone that one might is in love with. Every girl who's ever daydreamed through a class taught by a teacher they had a mad crush on knows what I mean.
It's equally difficult to be the teacher in that situation. Thankfully we're all adults here. LOL.
3. When You love someone, it can be really hard to "push" them. This is where One needs to be very strong . . . becasue it's so easy to simply pick up on the submissive's uncomfortability and let things slide. The flip side, of course, if that when You love someone, you're more attuned to when You shouldn't be pushing. But, overall, love isn't at times terribly compatible with dispensing the bad-tasting medicine.
So, I do understand those whose theory of D/s holds that love doesn't belong . . . it does complicate things, sometimes massively. If One's goal is to train, and simply to train, then I might go as far to say that love really has no place there. But for Me, for what I want to achieve, for where I want/need to take Mine . . . the plusses of love far outweigh the minuses.
Not tonight, Blogger. I have a headache
No headache, but a blank brain at the moment.
Happy weekend!
Happy weekend!
Lessons Are Everywhere
I was talking to sorceress last night about how her day at work had gone. she'd had a great day; she was able to concentrate all of her efforts on a thing that had been bugging her for a long time, and solved it brilliantly. she felt energized, relieved, competent. In short, her day was a total success. she contrasted this with so many other ways where everything seems to pull her in a million different directions, nothing seemsto actually seen from start to finish, and she ends up feeling, in some way, "not good enough."
she then was musing about how much she could get done if every day could be like that.
I pointed out . . . that if she were to sit down and objectively write down a list of ALL the things that could potentially make a given day a bad day, she would find that at the very most, 10% of them were within her control. So many things can conspire to result in her having a less than productive day, and she really can't control any of them, other than getting enough sleep at night and coming to work with her head on straight.
So . . . where's the lesson here?
OK. One of the things I am always saying . . . is:
Not everything that happens to a submissive is about the submissive.
Not to stretch the analogy to the breaking point, but, submission is like most jobs in that in the end, all you can control is your effort. Results are affected by a myriad of factors, many unknown, some unknowable. To be at peace with that fact is a major accomplishment, both in the workplace and in D/s.
Now, the funny part of this is that I didn't see the lesson was there while I was talking with sorceress. It only occurred to Me today, so I didn't make the connection to her about it last night. Good thing she reads this blog!
she then was musing about how much she could get done if every day could be like that.
I pointed out . . . that if she were to sit down and objectively write down a list of ALL the things that could potentially make a given day a bad day, she would find that at the very most, 10% of them were within her control. So many things can conspire to result in her having a less than productive day, and she really can't control any of them, other than getting enough sleep at night and coming to work with her head on straight.
So . . . where's the lesson here?
OK. One of the things I am always saying . . . is:
Not everything that happens to a submissive is about the submissive.
Not to stretch the analogy to the breaking point, but, submission is like most jobs in that in the end, all you can control is your effort. Results are affected by a myriad of factors, many unknown, some unknowable. To be at peace with that fact is a major accomplishment, both in the workplace and in D/s.
Now, the funny part of this is that I didn't see the lesson was there while I was talking with sorceress. It only occurred to Me today, so I didn't make the connection to her about it last night. Good thing she reads this blog!
Acceptance
I was talking tonight with someone who was having some trouble with the way her best friend reacts to things that she says some times, when she discusses her emotions with said friend.
My take on this is, essentially, a thing I always fall back on: People's motives, even the motives of those we know pretty well, are laregly inscrutable. Freindship and love obscure that fact, and give us the illusion that we know more than we do. So it hurts, when what we're reminded of what we don't know.
So it comes down to acceptance. And not the easy kind, either.
The easy kind is where we tolerate, but don't accept. On some totally honest level, we're still pissed at/bothered by the thing we claim to accept, but don't show any outward manifestation of being bothered. That's a lie, even if we never overtly express the lie.
The difficult kind is where we truly accept it, where it truly bothers us so little as to not matter at all any more. It entails a shifting on a deep level, it takes a level of committment most people simply aren't capable of.
To bring this into the D/s context . . . to submit, is to submit to the whole Person. And a big part of that is acceptance, the difficult kind.
The main difficulties are:
1. Not that many Dominants are worth that kind of submission . . . submitting to the whole Person. Not surprisingly, this is NOT a subject We Dominants often dwell on LOL.
2. Since no one's perfect, submitting to the whole person is a lot of work.
3. Many Dominants may not be on this particular wavelength, so the submissive might find him/herself working diligently, struggling to achieve something that the Other doesn't even think about.
More on this another time . . .
My take on this is, essentially, a thing I always fall back on: People's motives, even the motives of those we know pretty well, are laregly inscrutable. Freindship and love obscure that fact, and give us the illusion that we know more than we do. So it hurts, when what we're reminded of what we don't know.
So it comes down to acceptance. And not the easy kind, either.
The easy kind is where we tolerate, but don't accept. On some totally honest level, we're still pissed at/bothered by the thing we claim to accept, but don't show any outward manifestation of being bothered. That's a lie, even if we never overtly express the lie.
The difficult kind is where we truly accept it, where it truly bothers us so little as to not matter at all any more. It entails a shifting on a deep level, it takes a level of committment most people simply aren't capable of.
To bring this into the D/s context . . . to submit, is to submit to the whole Person. And a big part of that is acceptance, the difficult kind.
The main difficulties are:
1. Not that many Dominants are worth that kind of submission . . . submitting to the whole Person. Not surprisingly, this is NOT a subject We Dominants often dwell on LOL.
2. Since no one's perfect, submitting to the whole person is a lot of work.
3. Many Dominants may not be on this particular wavelength, so the submissive might find him/herself working diligently, struggling to achieve something that the Other doesn't even think about.
More on this another time . . .
What Kind of Soul Are You?
I saw this on ling's blog and thought it was a fun thing.
I'm not sure I agree with it all . . . "ambitious," at the least in the traditional sense, doesn't fit Me. I relate to animals better than people? If the animals in question are housecats, I guess that's true. An "explosive personality?" Hmmmmmmm . . .
Did I check the answers I meant to? LOL
Anyway, it's a fun little thing. What kind of soul are you?
| You Are a Hunter Soul |
 An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul |
I'm not sure I agree with it all . . . "ambitious," at the least in the traditional sense, doesn't fit Me. I relate to animals better than people? If the animals in question are housecats, I guess that's true. An "explosive personality?" Hmmmmmmm . . .
Did I check the answers I meant to? LOL
Anyway, it's a fun little thing. What kind of soul are you?
When Being Good Entails Being "Bad"
One of the most difficult things for a Dominant to deal with is when the slave(s) in question wants to be so good that s/he holds back important things.
After some intense play today, iris said told Me that she "really needed that." I pointed out that it's important for her to tell Me what she needs/wants on a regular basis, becasue, contrary to what she might think, I am not actually a mind-reader. And, I pointed out that doing that was an important step in deepening her submission.
iris told Me that she couldn't quite see how doing that could deepen her submission, and that it "goes against everything i think should be right." To her, it feels like topping from the bottom. This, among the very submissive, devoted person, is a common thought pattern. And it's easy to see why and how those thoughts develop.
I told iris that there was a short and longer answer to her concerns.
The short answer goes as follows:
1. I want it.
2. Given that I want it, her doing it by definition deepens her submission.
As is often the case, the short answer, while 100% correct, isn't necessarily satisfying or edifying.
The longer answer goes something like this:
1. If I am to totally own her, then I must own her desires, etc., as well.
2. And since I really am NOT a mind-reader, I can't own what I don't know about.
3. In answer to the topping from the bottom consideration, it's important to understand that Me knowing what she wants doesn't mean that I am going to do it, or do it exactly how she might think/expect/want.
4. Even though it feels contrary to what a "good slave" does, it's a very important step. And that I understand the level of difficulty involved, and that I understand that progress will be in fits and starts, and that no deep change can or will happen in a short time.
The longer answer helped some, I think. It often does.
After some intense play today, iris said told Me that she "really needed that." I pointed out that it's important for her to tell Me what she needs/wants on a regular basis, becasue, contrary to what she might think, I am not actually a mind-reader. And, I pointed out that doing that was an important step in deepening her submission.
iris told Me that she couldn't quite see how doing that could deepen her submission, and that it "goes against everything i think should be right." To her, it feels like topping from the bottom. This, among the very submissive, devoted person, is a common thought pattern. And it's easy to see why and how those thoughts develop.
I told iris that there was a short and longer answer to her concerns.
The short answer goes as follows:
1. I want it.
2. Given that I want it, her doing it by definition deepens her submission.
As is often the case, the short answer, while 100% correct, isn't necessarily satisfying or edifying.
The longer answer goes something like this:
1. If I am to totally own her, then I must own her desires, etc., as well.
2. And since I really am NOT a mind-reader, I can't own what I don't know about.
3. In answer to the topping from the bottom consideration, it's important to understand that Me knowing what she wants doesn't mean that I am going to do it, or do it exactly how she might think/expect/want.
4. Even though it feels contrary to what a "good slave" does, it's a very important step. And that I understand the level of difficulty involved, and that I understand that progress will be in fits and starts, and that no deep change can or will happen in a short time.
The longer answer helped some, I think. It often does.
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