A fun little music video I found while prowling around the dark corners of youtube this evening. The band is called Lesbian Bed Death . . . but fortunately they're better at music than at coming up with good band names.
As for goth girls being easy . . . I'm sure they're not all that way, but it's an appealing thought . . .
Lesdership Styles In D/s, Part 2
I brought Part 1 to an abrupt end with this:
"The Leader (Coach/Manager/Dom/me) has to be confident enough to be flexible enough."
Flexibility is a very tricky area. Many (including Me, on this blog, on several occasions) mention the importance of consistency, particularly in D/s interactions because the emotions are so exposed and magnified. And consistency is hugely important. How then to be "flexible" and consistent?
I see two parts to the answer: 1) to understand that consistency of strategy doesn't have to always mean consistency of tactics, and 2) to have the confidence that 1) can be implemented and that whatever misunderstandings might ensue as a result can be worked out.
Disclaimer: There are a lot of Dominants who are confident in their abilities who actually shouldn't be. I'm going to embrace a rare (for Me) "consumerist" point of view here and caution all submissives that confidence is often inversely proportional to ability and understanding, and to be very careful.
Consistency of strategy vs. consistency of tactics . . . in other words, understanding that while the destination doesn't change, there can be many roads that lead to it. The danger is that the submissive may get hung up on the change in tactics and begin to feel set adrift, unsure of the ground beneath him or her. [I don't like to draw a lot of gender differences in these things but in My experience a female submissive it seems is more likely to fall into that trap.]
What prevents that from happening is the vigilance and understanding of the Dominant. It's incumbent upon the Dom/me to be watchful for changes in the submissive's behavior that signal that either 1) the different tactic isn't working, and/or 2) the submissive feels abandoned.
And of course the Dom/me needs to be smart and at a certain point stop what doesn't work. The good Dom/me is constantly "making things up," as in . . . finding new and different ways to deliver the same message; S/He isn't tied to one approach, one tactic, while the underlying message remains totally and comfortingly consistent.
Lastly, "communication" rears its venerable head. The Dom/me has to be confident enough to admit that S/He isn't possessed of all the answers, that S/He is constantly searching for the best way to lead and to communicate, and that S/He is committed to all those improvements, short and long term.
While we all have Our leadership styles, the important thing is to realize that the one(s) we lead, their well-being and growth, are more important than holding fast to a style. And that in pursuit of that, often, many different styles are necessary.
"The Leader (Coach/Manager/Dom/me) has to be confident enough to be flexible enough."
Flexibility is a very tricky area. Many (including Me, on this blog, on several occasions) mention the importance of consistency, particularly in D/s interactions because the emotions are so exposed and magnified. And consistency is hugely important. How then to be "flexible" and consistent?
I see two parts to the answer: 1) to understand that consistency of strategy doesn't have to always mean consistency of tactics, and 2) to have the confidence that 1) can be implemented and that whatever misunderstandings might ensue as a result can be worked out.
Disclaimer: There are a lot of Dominants who are confident in their abilities who actually shouldn't be. I'm going to embrace a rare (for Me) "consumerist" point of view here and caution all submissives that confidence is often inversely proportional to ability and understanding, and to be very careful.
Consistency of strategy vs. consistency of tactics . . . in other words, understanding that while the destination doesn't change, there can be many roads that lead to it. The danger is that the submissive may get hung up on the change in tactics and begin to feel set adrift, unsure of the ground beneath him or her. [I don't like to draw a lot of gender differences in these things but in My experience a female submissive it seems is more likely to fall into that trap.]
What prevents that from happening is the vigilance and understanding of the Dominant. It's incumbent upon the Dom/me to be watchful for changes in the submissive's behavior that signal that either 1) the different tactic isn't working, and/or 2) the submissive feels abandoned.
And of course the Dom/me needs to be smart and at a certain point stop what doesn't work. The good Dom/me is constantly "making things up," as in . . . finding new and different ways to deliver the same message; S/He isn't tied to one approach, one tactic, while the underlying message remains totally and comfortingly consistent.
Lastly, "communication" rears its venerable head. The Dom/me has to be confident enough to admit that S/He isn't possessed of all the answers, that S/He is constantly searching for the best way to lead and to communicate, and that S/He is committed to all those improvements, short and long term.
While we all have Our leadership styles, the important thing is to realize that the one(s) we lead, their well-being and growth, are more important than holding fast to a style. And that in pursuit of that, often, many different styles are necessary.
Leadership Styles in D/s, Part 1
Sports analogies carried forward into business and real life can be overdone and certainly often are. But every now and then something that happens in the world of sports gets Me thinking about situations in D/s.
As you may or may not know, the New York Mets recently blew a large lead in the last two weeks of the season and ended up out of the playoffs. The "collapse" was historic in its proportions. And what's a good collapse without assigning blame?
Listening to sports talk radio in the wake of this debacle, hosts and callers and "experts" have various theories about who should get how much of said blame. And many want to lay a good portion of the blame on the Mets' manager, Wilie Randolph.
One thing that the Willie-blamers say is that Willie's personality is too low key. He doesn't get in players' faces; he doesn't argue much with umpires; he's not the locker-room tirade after a bad loss type.
The classic response to those who want a more fiery Willie Randolph is: "He has to be who he is. It's not his nature to be 'fiery.' "
And there, finally, is the point (I could hear your impatience).
To those who toss out the old chestnut that "That isn't Willie," I respond:
A good leader is less concerned with holding to some abstract conception of Him- or Herself and more concerned with eliciting the desired results from those S/He is leading.
Meaning, in baseball, in business, in D/s, the boss has to do what's necessary, to be who S/He needs to be, to get those being led to respond. Within the normal strictures of course of what is moral/legal/safe bla bla bla . . . let's not lose our way in Disclaimerville.
The Leader (Coach/Manager/Dom/me) has to be confident enough to be flexible enough.
More on that in Part 2.
As you may or may not know, the New York Mets recently blew a large lead in the last two weeks of the season and ended up out of the playoffs. The "collapse" was historic in its proportions. And what's a good collapse without assigning blame?
Listening to sports talk radio in the wake of this debacle, hosts and callers and "experts" have various theories about who should get how much of said blame. And many want to lay a good portion of the blame on the Mets' manager, Wilie Randolph.
One thing that the Willie-blamers say is that Willie's personality is too low key. He doesn't get in players' faces; he doesn't argue much with umpires; he's not the locker-room tirade after a bad loss type.
The classic response to those who want a more fiery Willie Randolph is: "He has to be who he is. It's not his nature to be 'fiery.' "
And there, finally, is the point (I could hear your impatience).
To those who toss out the old chestnut that "That isn't Willie," I respond:
A good leader is less concerned with holding to some abstract conception of Him- or Herself and more concerned with eliciting the desired results from those S/He is leading.
Meaning, in baseball, in business, in D/s, the boss has to do what's necessary, to be who S/He needs to be, to get those being led to respond. Within the normal strictures of course of what is moral/legal/safe bla bla bla . . . let's not lose our way in Disclaimerville.
The Leader (Coach/Manager/Dom/me) has to be confident enough to be flexible enough.
More on that in Part 2.
YouTube Tuesday: PostSecret
By now most know about Post Secret, a website where collected secrets that people have sent in on postcards have been blogged.
There have been various video collections of postcard secrets made -- this one is one of My favorites, set to, appropriately enough, "Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects.
Like Post Secret itself, this clip is by turns funny, touching, off-putting, and heartrending.
There have been various video collections of postcard secrets made -- this one is one of My favorites, set to, appropriately enough, "Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects.
Like Post Secret itself, this clip is by turns funny, touching, off-putting, and heartrending.
YouTube Tuesday: 60 Years of Racing
A little something different for tonight's clip -- a Shell gasoline promotional film celebrating the 60 years of Shell's work with Ferrari.
A race car starts in Rome and tools around various worldwide locations, evolving as it goes. Gorgeous film making, incredible pulse-quickening race-car sound.
A 2-minute thrill ride for the eyes, ears, and imagination.
A race car starts in Rome and tools around various worldwide locations, evolving as it goes. Gorgeous film making, incredible pulse-quickening race-car sound.
A 2-minute thrill ride for the eyes, ears, and imagination.
YouTube Tuesday: I Wanna Be Sedated
A little break from the "Perfect Pop Song" awards, because today was one of these days where you reach the end of it and "I Wanna Be Sedated" just sums up how you feel.
Neat little video, too . . . The Ramones calmly sitting there while everything goes nuts around them. Would that I could've been the one sitting calmly while everything went haywire today. Maybe next time I'll be luckier.
Neat little video, too . . . The Ramones calmly sitting there while everything goes nuts around them. Would that I could've been the one sitting calmly while everything went haywire today. Maybe next time I'll be luckier.
Soap Opera
1. Finally I've caught up with My reading and, while everything's different of course, everything's the same, or at least similar. More on that below.
2. I've removed the dead blogs and the gone blogs by the link list . . . sadly, I see that Brazen Brunette either was hacked or deleted her blog and gave the account away -- a single post in a foreign language now sits where Brazen's riveting, wrenching entries used to reside. Last I had read she seemed to be doing better -- I sincerely hope that she still is doing well and that losing the blog was a natural step in her progress and not a sign of something having gone wrong.
3. Using a feed reader made catching up convenient and and at the same time slightly horrifying . . . all that, all at once, from so many different sources.
But in the end it all works out . . . the big soap opera that is the blogosphere rolls on. Things do change, as they must, but the bigger thing, the community that no one will admit to belonging to, remains. Pieces slide in, pieces drop off, or change their shape, their frequency of appearance, but the whole morphs in tiny increments, just like the "real thing."
And when I say "soap opera," don't get Me wrong -- there is not a hint of negativity or condescension in that phrase. It's a soap opera, and that's a truly wonderful thing, because unlike an actual soap opera it's not only an escape, but entertaining and informative as well. It is something we create, out of whole cloth, out of the fabric of our lives and experience, and maintain. We learn from it, grow with it, change it or kill it when it no longer works.
It is . . . alive, and we make it live. Sometimes it's healthy to stop and not take for granted how amazingly cool that is.
YouTube Tuesday: The Perfect Pop Song (Tearjerker Division)
Tonight's entry is the Perfect Pop Song, Tearjerker Division: "The Last Worthless Evening" by Don Henley.
I can't listen to this song all the way through without crying . . . and a talented youtuber set the song to a collection of clips from Gilmore Girls, and it's well, perfect.
I can't listen to this song all the way through without crying . . . and a talented youtuber set the song to a collection of clips from Gilmore Girls, and it's well, perfect.
Happy Anniversary
Today is a year since tasha returned. A year officially, but in My heart she's been there from the beginning.Milestones are deceiving things, sometimes, in that they can lead us to focus on the wrong thing, i. e., what's gone before as opposed to what's to come. The latter is always more important. I learn from the past (hopefully), but I'm not beholden to or trapped by it. Numbers and dates are important to recognize and remember but in the end the most important number is the next one, the most important day, today.
Happy anniversary, tasha. I love you, more than ever. And thank you for your love, service, and devotion, for the past year, and before. And for all the days to come.
YouTube Tuesday: The Perfect Pop Song (Power Pop Division)
After much thought and highly scientific analysis, I'm eager the winner for The Perfect Pop Song, Power Pop Division.
The winner is "Did It In A Minute" by Hall and Oates. I could have picked "Private Eyes" or "Kiss On My List" or any number of other H&O masterpieces, but "Did It In A Minute" for Me, is the best of the lot.
[Note: You'll notice that this video doesn't come from youtube. "YouTube Tuesday" I hereby declare "Web Video Tuesday." I'll still call it YouTube Tuesday because it has a better ring to it.
"Well I still can't say I know
When a love is real or touch and go
And if two can be one
Who is the one two becomes oh oh
Am I quick enough to see
When I'm ready and it's right for me
I say, I say, I say, I say that I want it
(I think so anyway)
Everybody always laughs at love
But what they want is to be proven wrong
Then you came along
Oh you did it
You did it, you did it, you did it
You did it in a minute
I know you did it
You did it, you did it, you did it
You did it in a minute"
The winner is "Did It In A Minute" by Hall and Oates. I could have picked "Private Eyes" or "Kiss On My List" or any number of other H&O masterpieces, but "Did It In A Minute" for Me, is the best of the lot.
[Note: You'll notice that this video doesn't come from youtube. "YouTube Tuesday" I hereby declare "Web Video Tuesday." I'll still call it YouTube Tuesday because it has a better ring to it.
"Well I still can't say I know
When a love is real or touch and go
And if two can be one
Who is the one two becomes oh oh
Am I quick enough to see
When I'm ready and it's right for me
I say, I say, I say, I say that I want it
(I think so anyway)
Everybody always laughs at love
But what they want is to be proven wrong
Then you came along
Oh you did it
You did it, you did it, you did it
You did it in a minute
I know you did it
You did it, you did it, you did it
You did it in a minute"
It's Not Like Signing Up For A Gym Membership
thisgirl recently wrote here about slave contracts and wondered what contracts for Dominants would be like.
The entire contract thing is tricky in one sense since these contracts, being legally unenforceable, lack the ultimate hammer (i. e., legal recourse) and thus ultimately lose much of their potential force. But they are important and I'm sure in most cases feel "enforceable" in emotional terms (and certainly can have emotional consequences). So the area is interesting and important in this realm.
thisgirl proposes a "Dom contract" that goes like this:
And that's My problem.
thisgirl points out that these contracts are "relatively one-sided." Exactly. They're supposed to be. The relationship is inherently unequal. Master/Mistress and slave are "equal" as human beings, they are equal under the Constitution and the law, but they are not, in the terms that these contracts seek to address, in any way equal. That such contracts have no legal enforceability under US law emphasizes the point that the contract describes (and seeks to maintain) a state of affairs that is not equal. The quid pro quo aspect of typical contracts does not apply.
So for the submissive there has to be some "risk" in signing the contract, some area or factor(s) that leave at least a hint of uncomfortableness. Without that element the contract feels like a cubic zirconium engagement ring: important perhaps as a symbol but of extremely limited value.
All the usual disclaimers apply: If you submit when you feel like it, if you are casual play partners, if your Dom/me gives off weird psychokiller vibes, etc., then signing a contract isn't on the menu. Presumably, if the parties are at the point of contract signing, the "worthiness" of the Dominant is a settled question.
So, while I can't speak for any other Dominant, I wouldn't sign the contract thisgirl proposes.
The entire contract thing is tricky in one sense since these contracts, being legally unenforceable, lack the ultimate hammer (i. e., legal recourse) and thus ultimately lose much of their potential force. But they are important and I'm sure in most cases feel "enforceable" in emotional terms (and certainly can have emotional consequences). So the area is interesting and important in this realm.
thisgirl proposes a "Dom contract" that goes like this:
I agree to be your dominant.
I agree to look after you and to not abuse the control you have given me and the trust you have put in me.
I want to help develop and nurture your submission and help you understand this side of yourself.
I want to control you without taking over your life or ruining the parts of you that make you the woman I love.
I will never make you feel worthless or put you down. Though i cant promise not to say ‘your bum looks big in that’ because I will always be honest with you.
I will always be imaginative and inventive and most of all devious.
I will torture your body and push it to your limits but not overstep your boundaries.
I will keep the play interesting and not let it get boring or stale.
I will *never* wear a leather waistcoat, a flogger on my belt or parade around topless in fetish clubs but do my best to make *us* look and feel good.
I will show off my property and be proud always that you belong to me.
I will use you for my pleasure but make sure you get pleasure back (unless you’ve been really bad!)
I will loving control your body, your orgasms and your mind.
I will love you when you are bad just as much as when you’re obedient.
In return i want :-
Your submission
Your obedience
Your love
I want to share my fantasies with you and most of all to have fun and be happy together.
she then asks: "So . . . would he sign it?"
My answer to that is "I don't know if He would sign it but what submissive wouldn't?And that's My problem.
thisgirl points out that these contracts are "relatively one-sided." Exactly. They're supposed to be. The relationship is inherently unequal. Master/Mistress and slave are "equal" as human beings, they are equal under the Constitution and the law, but they are not, in the terms that these contracts seek to address, in any way equal. That such contracts have no legal enforceability under US law emphasizes the point that the contract describes (and seeks to maintain) a state of affairs that is not equal. The quid pro quo aspect of typical contracts does not apply.
So for the submissive there has to be some "risk" in signing the contract, some area or factor(s) that leave at least a hint of uncomfortableness. Without that element the contract feels like a cubic zirconium engagement ring: important perhaps as a symbol but of extremely limited value.
All the usual disclaimers apply: If you submit when you feel like it, if you are casual play partners, if your Dom/me gives off weird psychokiller vibes, etc., then signing a contract isn't on the menu. Presumably, if the parties are at the point of contract signing, the "worthiness" of the Dominant is a settled question.
So, while I can't speak for any other Dominant, I wouldn't sign the contract thisgirl proposes.
Happy Anniversary
August 31 marks three years that iris has been with Me.
I know I repeat Myself often here when I talk about the girls -- how amazing and wonderful they are, their incredible love and submission and devotion. But it's all I can do; it's simply true, and words are inadequate to describe how I feel at times like this so I end up using the same ones over and over.
iris, thank you for three fantastic years. To see how much you've moved and grown, how every aspect of your submission has deepened and expanded, is truly thrilling to Me. I love you, so much. Owning you is a joy, every day.
YouTube Tuesday: Bulls On Parade
Tonight's clip veers way off in the other direction -- "Bulls on Parade" by Rage Against The Machine.
I can't say I endorse Rage's politics, but their videos are some of the most evocative, effective four-minute propaganda films ever made. Taken simply as art (or as craft, if you must), Rage's videos represent some of the better examples of the art form in terms of images fusing with message.
"Weapons not food, not homes, not shoes
Not need, just feed tha war canibal animal
I walk tha corner to tha rubble that used to be a
Library
Line up to tha mind cemetery
What we dont know keeps tha contracts alive an
Movin
They dont gotta burn tha books they just remove em
While arms warehouses fill as quick as tha cells
Rally round tha family, pockets full of shells"
I can't say I endorse Rage's politics, but their videos are some of the most evocative, effective four-minute propaganda films ever made. Taken simply as art (or as craft, if you must), Rage's videos represent some of the better examples of the art form in terms of images fusing with message.
"Weapons not food, not homes, not shoes
Not need, just feed tha war canibal animal
I walk tha corner to tha rubble that used to be a
Library
Line up to tha mind cemetery
What we dont know keeps tha contracts alive an
Movin
They dont gotta burn tha books they just remove em
While arms warehouses fill as quick as tha cells
Rally round tha family, pockets full of shells"
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday, tasha . . . I love you so much. Thank you for being you, and for everything that you are, and do.
Update
1. I finally got around to going through the link list and removing the dead entries.So the link list to-do list now looks like this:
Subscribe to feeds from linked blogs
Catch up on linked blogs
Look for new links
Leave comments/Link-whore
2. As you may have seen, I posted the first part of a new Lenora X story last week. More soon.
3. My health issue continues to remain manageable/good, so that's a huge plus.
4. The thought occurred to Me yesterday that it's seven months since I last smoked. I don't necessarily feel tremendously better physically as a result but it does feel very good to have accomplished quitting.
5. Some significant events coming up in Lenora-land soon: tasha's birthday and iris' third anniversary. As always, iris, storm, and tasha are My inspiration, My pride, and My joy. I love them so much.
6. I hope everyone is well and happy. KAHTATUS.
End Of The (Sitemeter) Era
I don't know all the gory details and background, but it's come to My attention (a few months late apparently) that sitemeter, the hit counter you (used to) see at the bottom of the page, has been allowing the placement of spy tracking cookies in the sitemeter code.
Apparently, sitemeter will move users to a special server if they don't wish this to happen, or I could revert to the non-Javascript version of the counter.
The easier solution for Me is to just use a different counter.
Not that I think that third-party marketers are necessarily clamoring for My meager readership, and certainly I'm not selling anything. But on principle it seems to Me the right thing to do is to dump sitemeter.
The counter that now appears at the bottom of the page is spy-cookie free.
Apparently, sitemeter will move users to a special server if they don't wish this to happen, or I could revert to the non-Javascript version of the counter.
The easier solution for Me is to just use a different counter.
Not that I think that third-party marketers are necessarily clamoring for My meager readership, and certainly I'm not selling anything. But on principle it seems to Me the right thing to do is to dump sitemeter.
The counter that now appears at the bottom of the page is spy-cookie free.
YouTube Tuesday: Don't Talk About The War
Tonight's clip is a snippet from Fawlty Towers, perhaps the best sitcom ever created on either side of the Atlantic. There are, I think, only twelve episodes of Fawlty Towers. Watching them, on realizes that the reason for that is that there are really only twelve basic sitcom plots, and Fawlty Towers does each and every one to perfection.
In this clip, Basil (John Cleese) tries to "not talk about the War" as he waits on a table of German guests. I must've seen this twenty times, and I still laugh as hard every time.
In this clip, Basil (John Cleese) tries to "not talk about the War" as he waits on a table of German guests. I must've seen this twenty times, and I still laugh as hard every time.
YouTube Tuesday: Hesitation Blues
A little too much soul-searching in the YTT clips lately . . . I had intended to resume the search for the World's Greatest Pop Song but then this caught My eye.
Tonight's clip is Hot Tuna performing one of the many many recorded versions of "Hesitation Blues."
As simple as it gets. A guitar and a bass. A blues song that is as straightforward as they come. But what Jorma Kaukonen and Jack Cassidy are able to do with these simplest of ingredients really is magical.
Tonight's clip is Hot Tuna performing one of the many many recorded versions of "Hesitation Blues."
As simple as it gets. A guitar and a bass. A blues song that is as straightforward as they come. But what Jorma Kaukonen and Jack Cassidy are able to do with these simplest of ingredients really is magical.
YouTube Tuesday: A Case Of You
Tonight's video is a little slide show, but I chose it for the song.
"A Case Of You" by Joni Mitchell.
"A Case of You" is Joni at her mesmerizing best, showing why she's head and shoulders above any of her so-called singer/songwriter contemporaries. Listen to Mitchell's voice in this video and it's clear (no pun intended) she sings Judy Collins or Joan Baez or anyone else of that era (or this) under the table. Her songwriting is on a par with anyone's . . . "A Case Of You" is a perfect little bittersweet bullet of a song, pure -- one of the few pieces of music I'd ever consider applying the word "luminous" to.
"You are in my blood like holy wine
Taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh, I could drink a case of you
And still be on my feet . . .
I would still be on my feet"
"A Case Of You" by Joni Mitchell.
"A Case of You" is Joni at her mesmerizing best, showing why she's head and shoulders above any of her so-called singer/songwriter contemporaries. Listen to Mitchell's voice in this video and it's clear (no pun intended) she sings Judy Collins or Joan Baez or anyone else of that era (or this) under the table. Her songwriting is on a par with anyone's . . . "A Case Of You" is a perfect little bittersweet bullet of a song, pure -- one of the few pieces of music I'd ever consider applying the word "luminous" to.
"You are in my blood like holy wine
Taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh, I could drink a case of you
And still be on my feet . . .
I would still be on my feet"
My health troubles of late have kept Me from doing much here aside from doggedly maintaining the weekly YouTube Tuesday video clips (I can tell from the barrage of comments on each one how much that's appreciated).
A bit more on the health stuff. It is serious but not life-threatening, ranging in severity from annoying to semi-debilitating. Good days and bad days. I do go to work every day, and I make it to the end most days.
So I still have a more or less normal life. The problem is that by the time evening comes, the energy I have I put into being with My girls and the odd baseball article for armchairgm.com. Plus, on some evenings I take a pain pill and well, responsible bloggers don't blog under the influence of controlled substances. Weekends I need the extra rest.
It is slowly getting better, however, and before too long I expect the health issue to be pretty much an afterthought, and I'll have more energy for the thought pieces and the fiction.
Until then, you are in My thoughts . . . and I look forward to really settling down and being able to catch up on everyone's lives, update/clean up the link list, and resume link-whoring with vigor.
KAHTATUS.
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