Sometimes an idea for a post will occur to Me, but then I'll decide against it, on the basis that "I've already written about that before." But in thinking on it, I realize that:
1. Certain ideas bear repeating.
2. The nature of this ever-rolling medium means that anything not on the current front page more or less never happened.
So, in the spirit of repeating something that bears repeating . . .
I was talking to a girl the other night. she was talking about a certain area in D/s that frequently gives her trouble as a submissive. And that had to do with her unease when she feels out of control. This is a common problem area, in My experience. Few submissives are a blank canvas, and truthfully, as a Dominant I wouldn't want that -- personally I can't image D/s being much fun without the unqiue contributions of the submissive.
But as with so much in this lifestyle there's a fine line. And it's not always clear where that line is. What some Dominants might see as playful, creative, or funny, Others might see as Toppy, bratty, or disrespectful. It's not easy for the submissive to always know when to "contribute uniqueness" and when to let go and just "be good." And the submissive, no matter how strong his or her desire to please, still has his or her own motivations, things that he or she responds to especially strongly. Those compulsions can be nearly irresistible. Add physical restraint and/or sexual excitement and/or teasing, humilation, etc., and the submissive often finds him- or herself in a sitaution that can feel impossible, even scary, sometimes.
Here's where I haul out the previously-discussed idea: The submissive, in the end, has only one thing to worry about controlling: the quality and completeness of his or her effort. Because that is the only thing the submissive can ever be sure about. And, importantly, pursued correctly, there is a great comfort in that. It is a clear, easily understood goal. An unwavering direction.
The tough part of course is that while the statement is simple, the execution is far from simple. The reason it's so difficult is that really focusing on that requires a change in one's basic orientation. A change from acting from the standpoint of holding on to acting from the standpoint of letting go.
This is very difficult since it goes against much of what we've been taught throughout our lives. Every fiber of our being tells us to hold on. Being "submissive" generally is no antidote to those poisonous thoughts. The bad news, interestingly enough, is the same as the good news: There is no way to "practice" it -- it starts as a mater of "Acting as If" consistently (another old post) and over time becomes a change in basic orientation. The reason I say that that's equally bad and good news is that it's not as if anyone's "missing out" -- it is what it is, and thus is universally and equally embraceable. (And of course universally and equally unattainable, viewed the other way.)
The final "proof" is that every time I talk to a submissive about this issue, they always end up feeling that the times when they have attained the "control" they felt they needed, they invariably feel bad about it.
Hm.
Waste of energy.
Makes you feel bad.
Illusory.
That's the trifecta. Try another way.
3 comments:
Mistress Matisse - with a lover, not a client once mentioned something she called "anarchic" BDSM and I've always wished she'd explained. that. It is a very enigmatic phrase.
Some of my deepest satisfaction in D/s comes when my backbrain seems directly linked to her will. Obedience appears to be an unmediated process but it is very hard to actualize.
But then I have the screwball problem of being unable to say what I'd like - some S&M treat - because the idea of directing in any way seems to threaten giving me what I need.
Lots of work yet to be done.
I've spoken to several submissives, many times, on this phenomenon, the fact that, as you put it, "Obedience appears to be an unmediated process but it is very hard to actualize."
In My post I mentioned the concept of "acting as if." What that amounts to is the seemingly nonsensical process of effectviely putting the cart before the horse, that is, obedience proceeds from the act of obeying, not from the committment to do so. The act, over time, repeated consistently enough, creates the intention, which in turn facilitates the continuation of the act. This runs counter to the way we've been taught (and thus the way our thought processes have been formed) all our lives. Most of us end up frustrated in these things because our starting point is (through no fault of our own) flawed.
It's one of the many intruiging and difficult paradoxes of this lifestyle.
I think this is one of the trickiest subjects discussed by "thinking" lifestylers. My major concern with new people I meet is - Why me? What makes me the object of your desire (to serve, usually)? Personally, I like an attitude - it's something to work with/on - and makes for a more interesting relationship.
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