The Love Thing, Part 3

Her wrote:

"It's like...

Wanting to do all the things my wicked heart desires, but when I reach that moment of possibility I back down. Too afraid, too unsure of myself, too unsure of the reality of the situation.

I abhor this kind of feeling. I've lost control of my own control and it bugs the crap out of me. I'm a born domme, of that I have no question, but I do question my ability to take what I want and turn it into reality.

And I really fucking wish pet would keep his own anxiety to himself sometimes. As soon as his fears come out, I back down. When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them without consent. When he's asking to be hurt, then instantly balking when the opportunity arises, it leaves a big frustrated and confused knot in me. I can't deal with my own lack of self-acceptance and his at the same time. But I don't want him to stop talking to me--communication is so important.

Maybe I can deal with both, but dude, it is harder than I thought. Amazing after two years of this it only gets harder. More real, I imagine."


This touches on a theme I've written abut a couple of times: The "love thing."

While I know that I need to feel love in order to Domme the way I want/need to, I'm the first to acknowledge that it can complicate things, sometimes greatly. Her's post above is an example.

How to address that complication? There's a short answer and a long one.

The short answer: Put the hammer down. It's as easy and as difficult as that. If he is like 99.9% of submissives, it's what he really wants, surface reluctance notwithstanding.

The long answer: The submissive is afraid of what s/he really wants, and is relying on the Other to put the hammer down and thus render moot the "decision" to move forward. But this is where the "love thing" comes into play. The Other not only puts the hammer down, but, when the time is right (after), S/He leads the submissive through the entire thought process, to make the submissive realize/confront which of his/her emotions were in play leading up the hammer being put down.

Now, much as that process might sound like punishment (and at times it can feel that way, for either, or both), I think it's important. The submissive needs to know and feel from the One to Whom s/he's entrusting so much that it's not all about just putting the hammer down, about play; s/he needs to understand that the Other has gone through a process, a process motivated by love and concern, to arrive at what His or Her course of action ended up being. Similarly, the Dom/me needs to be sure that what S/He thinks was going on in terms of the submissive's motivation(s) was accurate. Unfortunately, it's usually not possible to find out ahead of time accurately.

I sympathize with Her's dilemma. But while love does it make it more difficult, that's only in the short term. Long-term it helps ensure that things will work out, the (often numerous and painful) speed bumps along the way notwithstanding.