Her wrote:
"It's like...
Wanting to do all the things my wicked heart desires, but when I reach that moment of possibility I back down. Too afraid, too unsure of myself, too unsure of the reality of the situation.
I abhor this kind of feeling. I've lost control of my own control and it bugs the crap out of me. I'm a born domme, of that I have no question, but I do question my ability to take what I want and turn it into reality.
And I really fucking wish pet would keep his own anxiety to himself sometimes. As soon as his fears come out, I back down. When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them without consent. When he's asking to be hurt, then instantly balking when the opportunity arises, it leaves a big frustrated and confused knot in me. I can't deal with my own lack of self-acceptance and his at the same time. But I don't want him to stop talking to me--communication is so important.
Maybe I can deal with both, but dude, it is harder than I thought. Amazing after two years of this it only gets harder. More real, I imagine."
This touches on a theme I've written abut a couple of times: The "love thing."
While I know that I need to feel love in order to Domme the way I want/need to, I'm the first to acknowledge that it can complicate things, sometimes greatly. Her's post above is an example.
How to address that complication? There's a short answer and a long one.
The short answer: Put the hammer down. It's as easy and as difficult as that. If he is like 99.9% of submissives, it's what he really wants, surface reluctance notwithstanding.
The long answer: The submissive is afraid of what s/he really wants, and is relying on the Other to put the hammer down and thus render moot the "decision" to move forward. But this is where the "love thing" comes into play. The Other not only puts the hammer down, but, when the time is right (after), S/He leads the submissive through the entire thought process, to make the submissive realize/confront which of his/her emotions were in play leading up the hammer being put down.
Now, much as that process might sound like punishment (and at times it can feel that way, for either, or both), I think it's important. The submissive needs to know and feel from the One to Whom s/he's entrusting so much that it's not all about just putting the hammer down, about play; s/he needs to understand that the Other has gone through a process, a process motivated by love and concern, to arrive at what His or Her course of action ended up being. Similarly, the Dom/me needs to be sure that what S/He thinks was going on in terms of the submissive's motivation(s) was accurate. Unfortunately, it's usually not possible to find out ahead of time accurately.
I sympathize with Her's dilemma. But while love does it make it more difficult, that's only in the short term. Long-term it helps ensure that things will work out, the (often numerous and painful) speed bumps along the way notwithstanding.
YouTube Tuesday: All that copyrighted stuff is gone, really!
Tonight's clip, in honor of Viacom suing Google (youtube) for $1 billion, is an excerpt from the MTV show "The Hills." The clip itself doesn't matter (although The Hills is a pretty good show); any Viacom content (of which there is still plenty on youtube) would've done.
The lawsuit presumably is simply a way to kick-start stalled negotiations between Google and Viacom aimed at getting Viacom content on youtube with everyone's blessing. I have the feeling that like most media companies, Viacom is overvaluing most of its catalog -- the video culture that Viacom largely created, intentionally or otherwise, emphasizes newness and quickness above all else. The main audience for Viacom's content has come to regard anything more than 10 minutes old as more or less worthless; while that's good, as long as you can keep feeding the young masses something new continually, it's bad for claiming that your old stuff is worth very much.
This lawsuit never gets to court . . . they will come to an agreement. Neither side wants a trial and youtube is here to stay --- Viacom knows their content needs to be out there.
Anyway, an excerpt from "The Hills . . . "
The lawsuit presumably is simply a way to kick-start stalled negotiations between Google and Viacom aimed at getting Viacom content on youtube with everyone's blessing. I have the feeling that like most media companies, Viacom is overvaluing most of its catalog -- the video culture that Viacom largely created, intentionally or otherwise, emphasizes newness and quickness above all else. The main audience for Viacom's content has come to regard anything more than 10 minutes old as more or less worthless; while that's good, as long as you can keep feeding the young masses something new continually, it's bad for claiming that your old stuff is worth very much.
This lawsuit never gets to court . . . they will come to an agreement. Neither side wants a trial and youtube is here to stay --- Viacom knows their content needs to be out there.
Anyway, an excerpt from "The Hills . . . "
It's Just A Blog . . . Right?
Surfing the link list tonight I came upon a post wherein a blogger gets a phone call from an ex-boyfriend (who I'll call Waldo and to whom she gave another pseudonym). He tells the blogger that he's been reading her blog. She has written extensively about this ex, apparently, and according to her, "I have not been kind to Waldo in my writing."
Needless to say, Waldo wasn't happy about some of the ways he'd been written about. And he goes on to tell her that what really bothers him is "how mutual acquaintances have been calling me ‘Waldo’ in my presence and laughing."
There is a break between conversations, and the blogger has some time to think all this over. She comes to some conclusions that, frankly, confound Me.
1. She thinks it's strange that Waldo has been reading her blog. "it was deeply odd for him to have been reading my blog for a year. " She goes on to list all the exciting things going in Waldo's life currently and how those should mean that he'd have no interest in reading her blog.
2. All the news, fit to print or not. "For a variety of reasons, I feel very adamantly that I’m not going to be bullied into taking down posts, and so that wasn’t even a topic I would consider discussing."
3. Somehow it's Waldo's problem that she wrote about his and her love/sex life. "I felt that if people are referring to him as “Waldo” in his presence, the man here known as “Waldo” should take it up with them, not me."
As to #1, the author is way too smart to actually believe that an ex isn't going to find a blog written by his or her ex and not read it. It has nothing to do with life circumstances -- it's human nature. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that anyone who claims to know about the existence of a blog by someone they used to sleep with and claims not to have read it at least once is categorically, 100%, no doubt about it, lying. No exceptions.
The second point, ok. I can understand and endorse in the abstract the concept that one should never be bullied into taking a post down. One should never do anything in response to being bullied, really. But the fact is there are plenty of posts that should be taken down . . . I read at least one a week.
I am not talking about any form of censorship; heaven forbid that this medium functions as anything other than a gigantic litter box for everyone with an Internet connection -- America and the world would be damaged in some vague but I am assured very real way, otherwise. I am talking instead about My (very naive) desire that we could all be a little more thoughtful, a little less the worst we can be simply because (more or less) no one's going to know who we are or remember what we did. I least I know it's naive.
Her third point honestly is beneath someone of her obvious intelligence. And really, this gets at the reason for this post.
Is everyone in our lives fair game? Is everyone who comes into contact with us potential blog fodder?
My answer to those questions is an unequivocal "no."
I realize that there are no "standards" in this medium, and I don't know if it's been tested in court, but My guess is that if you slander, libel, defame, etc., someone in a blog that's going to be admissible if, as in the case we're discussing here, it's obvious to third parties who is being written about.
But My feelings about it go deeper than the legalities. Don't we do enough offline to make each other's lives miserable? Don't we already cause enough in-person pain to others in pursuit of our own self-esteem without putting the cyber-cherry on top?
In the end, the conversation with Waldo leaves the blogger realizing that there were things she could have done differently, some things she might have handled better. That is not the most horrible ending, but really . . . should it ever have been necessary?
Needless to say, Waldo wasn't happy about some of the ways he'd been written about. And he goes on to tell her that what really bothers him is "how mutual acquaintances have been calling me ‘Waldo’ in my presence and laughing."
There is a break between conversations, and the blogger has some time to think all this over. She comes to some conclusions that, frankly, confound Me.
1. She thinks it's strange that Waldo has been reading her blog. "it was deeply odd for him to have been reading my blog for a year. " She goes on to list all the exciting things going in Waldo's life currently and how those should mean that he'd have no interest in reading her blog.
2. All the news, fit to print or not. "For a variety of reasons, I feel very adamantly that I’m not going to be bullied into taking down posts, and so that wasn’t even a topic I would consider discussing."
3. Somehow it's Waldo's problem that she wrote about his and her love/sex life. "I felt that if people are referring to him as “Waldo” in his presence, the man here known as “Waldo” should take it up with them, not me."
As to #1, the author is way too smart to actually believe that an ex isn't going to find a blog written by his or her ex and not read it. It has nothing to do with life circumstances -- it's human nature. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that anyone who claims to know about the existence of a blog by someone they used to sleep with and claims not to have read it at least once is categorically, 100%, no doubt about it, lying. No exceptions.
The second point, ok. I can understand and endorse in the abstract the concept that one should never be bullied into taking a post down. One should never do anything in response to being bullied, really. But the fact is there are plenty of posts that should be taken down . . . I read at least one a week.
I am not talking about any form of censorship; heaven forbid that this medium functions as anything other than a gigantic litter box for everyone with an Internet connection -- America and the world would be damaged in some vague but I am assured very real way, otherwise. I am talking instead about My (very naive) desire that we could all be a little more thoughtful, a little less the worst we can be simply because (more or less) no one's going to know who we are or remember what we did. I least I know it's naive.
Her third point honestly is beneath someone of her obvious intelligence. And really, this gets at the reason for this post.
Is everyone in our lives fair game? Is everyone who comes into contact with us potential blog fodder?
My answer to those questions is an unequivocal "no."
I realize that there are no "standards" in this medium, and I don't know if it's been tested in court, but My guess is that if you slander, libel, defame, etc., someone in a blog that's going to be admissible if, as in the case we're discussing here, it's obvious to third parties who is being written about.
But My feelings about it go deeper than the legalities. Don't we do enough offline to make each other's lives miserable? Don't we already cause enough in-person pain to others in pursuit of our own self-esteem without putting the cyber-cherry on top?
In the end, the conversation with Waldo leaves the blogger realizing that there were things she could have done differently, some things she might have handled better. That is not the most horrible ending, but really . . . should it ever have been necessary?
YouTube Tuesday: Spam of the Month Club?
Tonight's YTT clip features what happens when you actually read your spam e-mail and think about what good use it might be put to.
Sophisticated spam bots take bits and pieces of "legitimate" text from all the Web and piece them together for getting around anti-spam filters. In the hands of an enterprising director these bits and pieces become something else entirely.
A cool little video, not least because it takes some irritating and useless and makes something funny out of it.
Sophisticated spam bots take bits and pieces of "legitimate" text from all the Web and piece them together for getting around anti-spam filters. In the hands of an enterprising director these bits and pieces become something else entirely.
A cool little video, not least because it takes some irritating and useless and makes something funny out of it.
Some Wells Temporaily Dry; Others Flowing Abundantly
Lately I haven't had a lot of "essay" material present itself to Me.
While D/s as a topic is more or less inexhaustible, for Me there are just times when there is nothing compelling to write about. A stroll down the now pretty long link list didn't prvide any inspiration -- which is a comment on how uninspired I feel, on the the content in those blogs.
It comes and goes. Lately, I'm more inspired to write fiction. When I'm in the "essay" frame of mind, sometimes one sentence, one part of a sentence, even, can inspire an entire post. But when it's not there, it's just not.
And I make it harder on Myself in some ways.
1. I feel as though things I've written before I don't need to write again . . . but that ignores a stark reality of most people's blog-reading habits: If it's not on the top half of the current page, it pretty much doesn't exist. I'd do well to bear that in mind more often and perhaps not reject certain post ideas on the basis that I've "done that."
2. I'm picky. I'd say that for every non-fiction post that ends up published, I think of 12 and actually start 6. That's partially because of 1., above, but mostly because in the non-fiction area I really do strive for a certain economy. The goal being to preserve the power of each individual idea by keeping them relatively "scarce."
3. I need to stay in this arena. I could write all sorts of posts about politics, technology, etc., but again I want/need this blog to be about sex, Dominance, submission, etc.
I wrote last week that I wanted the three main "features" -- essays, fiction, and slices of life -- to be in more or less equal proportion. I'm beginning to understand that while it might end up that way over the long haul, in the shorter term one or two of those is going to predominate over the other(s), until it changes around again.
While D/s as a topic is more or less inexhaustible, for Me there are just times when there is nothing compelling to write about. A stroll down the now pretty long link list didn't prvide any inspiration -- which is a comment on how uninspired I feel, on the the content in those blogs.
It comes and goes. Lately, I'm more inspired to write fiction. When I'm in the "essay" frame of mind, sometimes one sentence, one part of a sentence, even, can inspire an entire post. But when it's not there, it's just not.
And I make it harder on Myself in some ways.
1. I feel as though things I've written before I don't need to write again . . . but that ignores a stark reality of most people's blog-reading habits: If it's not on the top half of the current page, it pretty much doesn't exist. I'd do well to bear that in mind more often and perhaps not reject certain post ideas on the basis that I've "done that."
2. I'm picky. I'd say that for every non-fiction post that ends up published, I think of 12 and actually start 6. That's partially because of 1., above, but mostly because in the non-fiction area I really do strive for a certain economy. The goal being to preserve the power of each individual idea by keeping them relatively "scarce."
3. I need to stay in this arena. I could write all sorts of posts about politics, technology, etc., but again I want/need this blog to be about sex, Dominance, submission, etc.
I wrote last week that I wanted the three main "features" -- essays, fiction, and slices of life -- to be in more or less equal proportion. I'm beginning to understand that while it might end up that way over the long haul, in the shorter term one or two of those is going to predominate over the other(s), until it changes around again.
YouTube Tuesday (Plus 1): At Least It Hasn't Been Outsourced
Tonight's offering is a cute little piece about the first day on the job for a supposed "YouTube Customer Care" representative.
Yesterday devolved into the day from hell . . . and YouTube Tuesday was one of a few casualties.
Yesterday devolved into the day from hell . . . and YouTube Tuesday was one of a few casualties.
Update
1. Still smoke-free! It's just about a month now. To be honest, I don't feel markedly better, or even different. But I'm glad I did it. And yes, I was (sadly) right about one thing. People STINK, and when you don't smoke you're completely open to exactly how much people stink. I am seriously considering carrying little department store spritz bottles with Me.
2. Daily visits to the blog hit a low about a month ago, coinciding with the latter stages of the long Lenora X story. Visits at that time were down to about 110 daily. Lately they are back up and in fact higher than ever, verging on 150 a day. I attribute this largely to adding a number of links to the link list . . . and, wonderfully, I got a bunch of links in return without any actual link-whoring! But I won't let serendipity throw Me off course -- link-whoring can and must continue.
3. The girls are fine, and their usual wonderful selves. They are a continual source of pride, joy, and inspiration to Me. I gladly repeat Myself to say that I love them, so incredibly much.
4. Judging by the comments and allowing for the typical ratio of readers to commenters, the erotic fiction seems well-received. Which is nice. I am not sure exactly how long and where "The Taking of anni" will go; contrary to usual practice I just sort of tossed Part I out there without having any grand plan in mind. The little snapshots of Miss and anni will continue at least for a bit . . .
5. I have another Lenora X story forming, and a more structured D/s-type story on the horizon as well. And the one "mini-erotica" post I did is the first of hopefully many; I enjoy the short-short form. With the long stories it's a matter of time, and "spacing" -- as I was explaining to someone recently, I find that when I'm doing a story it's difficult to stop and do normal blog posts. And I don't want this to become strictly a fiction blog. My goal is to have the three main things in the title banner -- essays, fiction, and slices of life -- is more or less equal balance. It's a work in a progress.
6. I hope that everyone out there is doing well and blessed with all the love and happiness that is possible in life. KAHTATUS.
P.S. Please don't make Me write another pathetic post about how no one e-mails Me! I'm certainly not above it but I'd really rather not. Do your part!
Believing
I read a lot of blogs. I see at least some of the thoughts of many different people (all more or less in the very big tent that is sex/D-s/BDSM/spanko blogs).
And I read a lot of what could be construed as "cries for help."
I won't quote or link them here . . . anyone who reads enough blogs in this arena knows what I'm talking about.
Sometimes the cry for help is couched strongly in terms of "help is the last thing I need." The tone of these entries is basically "I'm fucked up and I like it."
Sometimes the cry for help is in the obliviousness of the author. S/he will describe hideously self-destructive behavior in a matter-of-fact, seemingly clueless, way. One reads it and feels as though the question "cry for help?" would be met with a sincere blank stare.
Sometimes the author understands quite readily that s/he needs help, but is resigned to being the way s/he is. Occasionally the author will post an entry where s/he allows a little glimpse into the real problem, the sadness and loneliness of his or her life, and then quickly and emphatically negates that in the next post, revelling in the fabulousness of it all.
There's a hundred different flavors. Reading it all, I end up at the same place, over and over: How much to believe?
Perhaps it's more of an issue for Me than for most people, because, on some deep level, I've come to realize that I want and need to believe that it's all true. Not because I want there to be actually be so many miserable people out there, but because I want (need) this place, the blogoshpere, to be about people reaching out, working their way through the issue(s) in their lives, with other people reading about it, caring, and offering through the anonymous distance of cyberspace their concern, their understanding . . .
My way of dealing with this is to act as though it is all true. There are a few cases where the blog author openly states that not everything presented is factual; those are obvious exceptions. But when people are writing about their lives, in the absence of any reason to not believe, I take it as the real thing.
Understand, I am not going around trying to "help people," at least not in the sense of suggesting they need help, or any other sort of intrusive or presumptuous action(s). I realize that what I read in someone's blog is at best part of the story, even if what's presented is 100% factual. If something I read makes Me think of a similar situation or experience, I offer My thoughts in the form of a comment or e-mail, in as unobtrusive a way as I can.
No, "believing" isn't for their benefit, directly . . . ultimately it's for Mine. Since it's what I need to believe it has value for Me in and of itself.
Before you start thinking that I'm a candidate for some professional help, let Me be clear. I understand completely that I might well be hopelessly deluded. My believing, My wanting to offer (mostly) silent support, My offering the brief word of encouragement here and there, etc., is Me offering Me, as I believe we all are.
If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I accept that. And being wrong will totally have been worth it.
KAHTATUS.
And I read a lot of what could be construed as "cries for help."
I won't quote or link them here . . . anyone who reads enough blogs in this arena knows what I'm talking about.
Sometimes the cry for help is couched strongly in terms of "help is the last thing I need." The tone of these entries is basically "I'm fucked up and I like it."
Sometimes the cry for help is in the obliviousness of the author. S/he will describe hideously self-destructive behavior in a matter-of-fact, seemingly clueless, way. One reads it and feels as though the question "cry for help?" would be met with a sincere blank stare.
Sometimes the author understands quite readily that s/he needs help, but is resigned to being the way s/he is. Occasionally the author will post an entry where s/he allows a little glimpse into the real problem, the sadness and loneliness of his or her life, and then quickly and emphatically negates that in the next post, revelling in the fabulousness of it all.
There's a hundred different flavors. Reading it all, I end up at the same place, over and over: How much to believe?
Perhaps it's more of an issue for Me than for most people, because, on some deep level, I've come to realize that I want and need to believe that it's all true. Not because I want there to be actually be so many miserable people out there, but because I want (need) this place, the blogoshpere, to be about people reaching out, working their way through the issue(s) in their lives, with other people reading about it, caring, and offering through the anonymous distance of cyberspace their concern, their understanding . . .
My way of dealing with this is to act as though it is all true. There are a few cases where the blog author openly states that not everything presented is factual; those are obvious exceptions. But when people are writing about their lives, in the absence of any reason to not believe, I take it as the real thing.
Understand, I am not going around trying to "help people," at least not in the sense of suggesting they need help, or any other sort of intrusive or presumptuous action(s). I realize that what I read in someone's blog is at best part of the story, even if what's presented is 100% factual. If something I read makes Me think of a similar situation or experience, I offer My thoughts in the form of a comment or e-mail, in as unobtrusive a way as I can.
No, "believing" isn't for their benefit, directly . . . ultimately it's for Mine. Since it's what I need to believe it has value for Me in and of itself.
Before you start thinking that I'm a candidate for some professional help, let Me be clear. I understand completely that I might well be hopelessly deluded. My believing, My wanting to offer (mostly) silent support, My offering the brief word of encouragement here and there, etc., is Me offering Me, as I believe we all are.
If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I accept that. And being wrong will totally have been worth it.
KAHTATUS.
More On That Personality Test
Yesterday I posted the results of a personality test I took. You can read all the details of the results in that post, but one item did get Me thinking.
The results showed that I exhibited "low authoritarianism."
That seems a little odd for a Domme. Doesn't it?
Dictionary.com defines authoritarian as follows:
–noun
OK, toss out #2. But #'s 1 and 3 . . .
"favoring complete obedience or subjection to authority as opposed to individual freedom."
"exercising complete or almost complete control over the will of another or of others."
On the face of it, that seems exactly what happens in an archetypal D/s relationship. One "exercises control over the will of another". One "favors complete obedience." "Individual freedom" is not highly valued in a submissive as an abstract goal (and, to be honest, is usually not actively sought by the submissive).
But of course, this isn't Gor or some other idealized existence. In matters of two people, there truly is "no government without the consent of the governed." And while I appreciate the simplicity of simple absolutes, I understand that to Dominate a real person calls for a whole mix of skills and behaviors.
And it turns out that the farther you go along the path with someone, the better you know each other, authoritarianism becomes increasingly less necessary in that mix of skills on a day to day basis. It is of course still needed at that times when the Dominant has to "put the hammer down" but as a rule the submissive over time develops a level of respect for the Dominant suh that His or Her "authority" is just . . . there, always present but rarely if ever mentioned or thought about because it's no longer necessary to invoke it.
And for the submissive, the state I seek to bring about for My girls is the state where the full nature of the paradox becomes not only apparent but the operating principle in their lives: Namely, that the less freedom they aspire to have, the more actual freedom they end up having. This is a very difficult point to get across, but in My experience the most effective way to do so is to rarely talk about it, but rather have them experience it. My "authority," in the end, is difficult to define yet it is unquestionably there. As is their freedom. And the growth of each stimulates the growth of the other.
The results showed that I exhibited "low authoritarianism."
That seems a little odd for a Domme. Doesn't it?
Dictionary.com defines authoritarian as follows:
| 1. | favoring complete obedience or subjection to authority as opposed to individual freedom: authoritarian principles; authoritarian attitudes. |
| 2. | of or pertaining to a governmental or political system, principle, or practice in which individual freedom is held as completely subordinate to the power or authority of the state, centered either in one person or a small group that is not constitutionally accountable to the people. |
| 3. | exercising complete or almost complete control over the will of another or of others: an authoritarian parent. |
| 4. | a person who favors or acts according to authoritarian principles. |
OK, toss out #2. But #'s 1 and 3 . . .
"favoring complete obedience or subjection to authority as opposed to individual freedom."
"exercising complete or almost complete control over the will of another or of others."
On the face of it, that seems exactly what happens in an archetypal D/s relationship. One "exercises control over the will of another". One "favors complete obedience." "Individual freedom" is not highly valued in a submissive as an abstract goal (and, to be honest, is usually not actively sought by the submissive).
But of course, this isn't Gor or some other idealized existence. In matters of two people, there truly is "no government without the consent of the governed." And while I appreciate the simplicity of simple absolutes, I understand that to Dominate a real person calls for a whole mix of skills and behaviors.
And it turns out that the farther you go along the path with someone, the better you know each other, authoritarianism becomes increasingly less necessary in that mix of skills on a day to day basis. It is of course still needed at that times when the Dominant has to "put the hammer down" but as a rule the submissive over time develops a level of respect for the Dominant suh that His or Her "authority" is just . . . there, always present but rarely if ever mentioned or thought about because it's no longer necessary to invoke it.
And for the submissive, the state I seek to bring about for My girls is the state where the full nature of the paradox becomes not only apparent but the operating principle in their lives: Namely, that the less freedom they aspire to have, the more actual freedom they end up having. This is a very difficult point to get across, but in My experience the most effective way to do so is to rarely talk about it, but rather have them experience it. My "authority," in the end, is difficult to define yet it is unquestionably there. As is their freedom. And the growth of each stimulates the growth of the other.
YouTube Tuesday: A Classic, Deconstructed
Tonight's clip is the video of Devo's rendition of the Rolling Stones' classic "Satisfaction."
I look at this version as basically a "political" statement. It's not painting facial hair on the Mona Lisa, its creating a second painting below the original showing the model naked from the waist down. (For even more extreme "desecration" seek out the cover of "Satisfaction" by San Francisco art-rock freaksters The Residents).
It challenges without mocking, it defies without defiling. It walks some crazy line, somehow. It's art.
And it rocks.
I look at this version as basically a "political" statement. It's not painting facial hair on the Mona Lisa, its creating a second painting below the original showing the model naked from the waist down. (For even more extreme "desecration" seek out the cover of "Satisfaction" by San Francisco art-rock freaksters The Residents).
It challenges without mocking, it defies without defiling. It walks some crazy line, somehow. It's art.
And it rocks.
I Am An Amimated Idealist
I found this on a blog (unfortunately I can't remember which one or I'd glad give credit) . . . one of these personality test things. My results are as follows:
According to this test . . .
As an IDEALIST, you are distinctive for your integration of confidence, imagination, willingness to explore, and desire for competence over style.
You have a strong capacity to comprehend the inner workings of things, finding new ideas and innovative insights to feed your curious nature.
You are quite comfortable in the realm of abstract thought. You don't need a practical solution to every one of life's questions.
You are comfortable with the decisions you make in life. You don't need to second-guess yourself, or seek a lot of opinions before you make up your mind.
You enjoy the routines that you have created in your life, and don't feel the need to shake things up just for the sake of change.
You generally succeed at what you do, and others would describe you as successful.
It is important to you that products be efficient – looking good has to come second to working well.
You aren't the kind of person who needs to collect stylish items in an attempt to create an attractive environment – you know that what matters most is function, not style.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.
You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.
Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.
Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.
You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.
You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.
You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.
Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!
In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
I guess that's mostly accurate . . . . there's a few things I could quibble with, but, anyway it's a dun exercise and the test uses some clever little scaling things in certain sections (whether this is for greater accuracy or to take one's mind off the fact that you're being asked the same thing in different ways, I'm not sure.)
So . . . what are you?
According to this test . . .
As an IDEALIST, you are distinctive for your integration of confidence, imagination, willingness to explore, and desire for competence over style.
You have a strong capacity to comprehend the inner workings of things, finding new ideas and innovative insights to feed your curious nature.
You are quite comfortable in the realm of abstract thought. You don't need a practical solution to every one of life's questions.
You are comfortable with the decisions you make in life. You don't need to second-guess yourself, or seek a lot of opinions before you make up your mind.
You enjoy the routines that you have created in your life, and don't feel the need to shake things up just for the sake of change.
You generally succeed at what you do, and others would describe you as successful.
It is important to you that products be efficient – looking good has to come second to working well.
You aren't the kind of person who needs to collect stylish items in an attempt to create an attractive environment – you know that what matters most is function, not style.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.
You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.
Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.
Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.
You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.
You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.
You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.
Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!
In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
I guess that's mostly accurate . . . . there's a few things I could quibble with, but, anyway it's a dun exercise and the test uses some clever little scaling things in certain sections (whether this is for greater accuracy or to take one's mind off the fact that you're being asked the same thing in different ways, I'm not sure.)
So . . . what are you?
Lists, Etc.
spring wrote:
"I hate those smarmy lists like 'what a real dom is/isn't,' and 'guides for a true/natural submissive,' and 'natural submissives vs bedroom submissives' or 'submissives vs slaves' discussions.
They seem ok on the surface, like nice little guidelines to aim for, but when you really think about it, it's just another list of what a 'true' dom/sub is, and if you're not doing/acting what's on the list, then you're not 'there/real/doing it the right way.' "
This whole subject is really tricky and there have been endless debates about it whether there is a need or a force to any standards. I end up differentiating it as follows:
If there is a community, then there is some legitimacy to the concept of standards, norms, etc. If there is no community (or one is not a part of any community) then it is a totally one on one endeavor and standards and norms and terms like "true" submissive, etc., have no particular meaning.
Note that the community in question can be virtual. Since few people live in Gorean communes, The Other World Kingdom, The Estate, or The Femdom Ranch and Basket Weaving Cooperative, the notion of in-person community for most is severely limited. That's both a good and a bad thing. Since people feel invincible in what feels like the total anonymity of on-line, personality traits tend to get magnified. (For whatever reason the bad ones seem to get magnified more.) The norms that regulate in-person conduct are absent; in an arena like D/s that's emotionally charged to begin with that's especially dangerous, potentially.
So what about those lists, in this largely community-free existence?
I think spring had it right with her first impression: they are just nice little guidelines. Often when someone is writing about a topic that he or she is passionate about, the writing can take on a preachy, or dictatorial, or condescending tone.
But if one can separate out the tone, the passion, the incredible excitement that someone often feels after discovering the thing that makes his or her secret desire suddenly, magically seem OK, then honestly more often than not what you have is a bunch of motherhood and apple pie nice little guidelines. Common-sense things to aspire to.
A Ferrari and a Yugo require very different levels and kinds of maintenance, but both are capable of doing 60 in a 25 mph zone, and it's an equally bad idea for both. The speed limit sign doesn't offend us because it has no tone. If the sign said "if you were a truly good driver you'd be doing 25" the underlying message might be the same but there would be a lot of pissed-off drivers and nervous pedestrians.
"I hate those smarmy lists like 'what a real dom is/isn't,' and 'guides for a true/natural submissive,' and 'natural submissives vs bedroom submissives' or 'submissives vs slaves' discussions.
They seem ok on the surface, like nice little guidelines to aim for, but when you really think about it, it's just another list of what a 'true' dom/sub is, and if you're not doing/acting what's on the list, then you're not 'there/real/doing it the right way.' "
This whole subject is really tricky and there have been endless debates about it whether there is a need or a force to any standards. I end up differentiating it as follows:
If there is a community, then there is some legitimacy to the concept of standards, norms, etc. If there is no community (or one is not a part of any community) then it is a totally one on one endeavor and standards and norms and terms like "true" submissive, etc., have no particular meaning.
Note that the community in question can be virtual. Since few people live in Gorean communes, The Other World Kingdom, The Estate, or The Femdom Ranch and Basket Weaving Cooperative, the notion of in-person community for most is severely limited. That's both a good and a bad thing. Since people feel invincible in what feels like the total anonymity of on-line, personality traits tend to get magnified. (For whatever reason the bad ones seem to get magnified more.) The norms that regulate in-person conduct are absent; in an arena like D/s that's emotionally charged to begin with that's especially dangerous, potentially.
So what about those lists, in this largely community-free existence?
I think spring had it right with her first impression: they are just nice little guidelines. Often when someone is writing about a topic that he or she is passionate about, the writing can take on a preachy, or dictatorial, or condescending tone.
But if one can separate out the tone, the passion, the incredible excitement that someone often feels after discovering the thing that makes his or her secret desire suddenly, magically seem OK, then honestly more often than not what you have is a bunch of motherhood and apple pie nice little guidelines. Common-sense things to aspire to.
A Ferrari and a Yugo require very different levels and kinds of maintenance, but both are capable of doing 60 in a 25 mph zone, and it's an equally bad idea for both. The speed limit sign doesn't offend us because it has no tone. If the sign said "if you were a truly good driver you'd be doing 25" the underlying message might be the same but there would be a lot of pissed-off drivers and nervous pedestrians.
YouTube Tuesday: Sin City/Club Slut
One of My favorite things about youtube and its ilk is that they provide a forum for people to create and share the music videos that should have been officially made but never were.
Tonight's selection is a perfect example: Clips from the deeply flawed but engrossing film Sin City paired with the song "Club Slut" by Hot Action Cop.
It's a match made in . . . hmm, well, you get the idea . . .
Tonight's selection is a perfect example: Clips from the deeply flawed but engrossing film Sin City paired with the song "Club Slut" by Hot Action Cop.
It's a match made in . . . hmm, well, you get the idea . . .
Being yourself . . . yikes!
sprialsubmissive wrote:
"But what happens when the persona that you're asked to show is simply...yourself? From the beginning of our relationship, Sir has said that he only wants me to be who I truly am with him, that there is nothing I have to hide, nothing I have to craft. This has proven more difficult than it would seem."
This touches on one of the inherent paradoxes of D/s. I talk to My girls, often, about how there is a real "freedom" in their situation. The freedom to not have to decide. The freedom to focus on the one thing that matters at any given moment. The freedom to fail.
All that adds up to the freedom to be themselves. And as spiralsubmissive wrote above, that's not so easy. Especially when it's required.
In normal daily life, we have certain "versions" of ourselves that we show the world. It's necessary, of course. In order to get along in society, hold down a job, etc., we have to filter and buffer certain parts of ourselves. We usually have multiple configurations for various situations: one for work, one for family, one for acquaintances, one for close friends. For many of us perhaps that "close friends" version is very close to the "real" us.
In a D/s relationship, both parties, but especially the submissive, really need to work hard at doing exactly the opposite: that is, being totally ourselves. Being the real us, all the time.
That's not only difficult, it's scary. As I've written before, a Dominant often has to deal with His or Her submissive trying to be "too good," that is, not being him or herself out of a desire not to trouble the Dom/me with what are perceived to be petty issues, or not wanting to disappoint the Dom/me by backsliding on something that the Dom/me might think has been resolved, etc. The net result is the submissive ends up just using another "version" of him or herself, just like for work or Thanksgiving Dinner with the family.
And that, at least for Me, won't do. It bears repeating: Ownership, real ownership, is owning the whole, real person. Including everything -- the fears, the neuroses, the doubts, along with all the good things, too. I work to be strong enough to want that. one who is owned by Me must arrive at being strong enough to offer all that, and just that, all the time. I can't envision relationship D/s that could work any other way.
As spiralsubmissive wrote: " . . . that there is nothing I have to hide, nothing I have to craft." It is, one one level, just what it sounds like -- a license to be one's true self. And on that level it's a wondrous, powerful gift. But it is also like a magic spell that once cast can't be uncast, that transports both submissive and Dominant to a place where there is nothing to come between them. It is magical, but very difficult. And once glimpsed, once understood for what it really is . . . it means that nothing is the same, ever.
"But what happens when the persona that you're asked to show is simply...yourself? From the beginning of our relationship, Sir has said that he only wants me to be who I truly am with him, that there is nothing I have to hide, nothing I have to craft. This has proven more difficult than it would seem."
This touches on one of the inherent paradoxes of D/s. I talk to My girls, often, about how there is a real "freedom" in their situation. The freedom to not have to decide. The freedom to focus on the one thing that matters at any given moment. The freedom to fail.
All that adds up to the freedom to be themselves. And as spiralsubmissive wrote above, that's not so easy. Especially when it's required.
In normal daily life, we have certain "versions" of ourselves that we show the world. It's necessary, of course. In order to get along in society, hold down a job, etc., we have to filter and buffer certain parts of ourselves. We usually have multiple configurations for various situations: one for work, one for family, one for acquaintances, one for close friends. For many of us perhaps that "close friends" version is very close to the "real" us.
In a D/s relationship, both parties, but especially the submissive, really need to work hard at doing exactly the opposite: that is, being totally ourselves. Being the real us, all the time.
That's not only difficult, it's scary. As I've written before, a Dominant often has to deal with His or Her submissive trying to be "too good," that is, not being him or herself out of a desire not to trouble the Dom/me with what are perceived to be petty issues, or not wanting to disappoint the Dom/me by backsliding on something that the Dom/me might think has been resolved, etc. The net result is the submissive ends up just using another "version" of him or herself, just like for work or Thanksgiving Dinner with the family.
And that, at least for Me, won't do. It bears repeating: Ownership, real ownership, is owning the whole, real person. Including everything -- the fears, the neuroses, the doubts, along with all the good things, too. I work to be strong enough to want that. one who is owned by Me must arrive at being strong enough to offer all that, and just that, all the time. I can't envision relationship D/s that could work any other way.
As spiralsubmissive wrote: " . . . that there is nothing I have to hide, nothing I have to craft." It is, one one level, just what it sounds like -- a license to be one's true self. And on that level it's a wondrous, powerful gift. But it is also like a magic spell that once cast can't be uncast, that transports both submissive and Dominant to a place where there is nothing to come between them. It is magical, but very difficult. And once glimpsed, once understood for what it really is . . . it means that nothing is the same, ever.
Change Is Evil, But . . .
After much messing around, and thanks to tasha's help and patience and brilliance, as you can see the design's been changed. Let Me know what you think . . .
Thanks again, tasha . . . kissssssssssssss
Thanks again, tasha . . . kissssssssssssss
Patience / Housekeeping notes
lil pig wrote:
"Honestly...it is difficult being so solitary right now.
i will certainly get past it, and i certainly understand that it is not in my best interest to rush and be hasty...yet that does not take away the difficulty factor.
While i need, crave, and expect to be owned again...at the same time i feel myself terrified of the possibility. And truthfully...i can not give you an exact reason for my fear. i have ideas of why that feeling is there, but truly i am not sure if those ideas are the correct reasons behind the fearfulness.
i find myself skimming my toes on the edge of Dominant waters here and there...then i pull back and think to myself..."no, not yet"...but the thought, ideals, and desire never leave. Eventually, the dipping of a toe will end and i will dive in.
i know how well i serve...not to blow my own horn too much; but really i am a good slave. i devote myself fully, and i work very hard and love being capable and pleasurable property. i am also a smart cookie, who understands the need for my own pro activity, strength, and self sufficientness. Even though i feel a little needy and off balance now...i am not a needy owned slave."
I left her an encouraging comment to the effect that 1) it will happen when it's supposed to, and 2) the waiting is, in and of itself, potentially rewarding.
Waiting is an aspect of all our lives and admittedly it pretty much sucks. It throws us off when we weren't expecting to have to wait. I have a day full of errands planned. I expect the post office to be in and out but end up having to wait; there goes My carefully-thought-out schedule. Or I'm running late for an appointment and every damn light is red. Then when I finally get there the elevator takes forever to come and ends up having to stop at every floor between the lobby and My floor.
While the "trivial" waiting like that can be annoying (and, I realize now, it was often a source of many "unnecessary" cigarettes I smoked), I have the ability to look at the size of the line and come up with an expectation of X number of minutes of waiting time, and in fact coming up with a reasonable expectation is important to making the wait more manageable.
But when there's no way to know how long the wait will be, and when what we are waiting for is something we long for, need, crave, something that speaks to the deepest promptings of our nature, the stakes are so much higher. And it's a waiting that never goes away until it's over. We might not feel it acutely every minute of every day, but it is always there, and the slightest prompt -- one line of a blog, a picture, a sound, a gesture, anything can bring the intensity of our craving crashing back to us.
So, where do I come off saying that such waiting can be almost as rewarding as the (hoped for) end result of the waiting? Am I really saying that standing there watching the timer while the cookies bake can be as much fun as eating the cookies?
If the first part of what I commented to lil pig is correct, i.e., that it will happen when it's supposed to, then the second part, that the waiting itself can be rewarding, more or less has to be true. The difficult part is accepting the first condition.
If one considers that statement "it will happen when it's supposed to happen," and assume for the moment that that is true, there are two basic possible reactions. One, inaction. One does nothing, since the statement implies that our actions can't influence the outcome anyway. Inaction eventually leads to depression and despair, though, as feelings of powerlessness overwhelm our desire to do anything. We end up closed off, isolated. Difficult to be with and ultimately, difficult to love.
The second possible reaction is patience. Patience is not inaction. Patience is a sort of "active waiting," in which we understand that we can not force the action, as it were, because we know that it will happen when it must happen, but at the same time we don't lapse into inaction and despair. A quiet but unshakable certainty informs our actions because we have the knowledge that it will happen and the understanding that the waiting, this interim period, is in and of itself a integral part of the process.
What differentiates one reaction from the other?
Time to haul out one of My favorite chestnuts. The thing that allows for true patience is the ability to let go. If we can let go of the expectation, if we can shed that feeling that our craving and need creates some justification for itself, and at the same time let go of the opposite urge to give up and feel deserving of nothing, we can arrive, eventually, at real patience. We are creatures conditioned to hold on; in our undifferentiated clinging desire we latch onto and jealousy guard the most damaging things, along with the good things. As long as we continue to do that, waiting for what we need the most is going to feel like a never-ending post office line, and that will crush and contort anyone's spirit.
"Honestly...it is difficult being so solitary right now.
i will certainly get past it, and i certainly understand that it is not in my best interest to rush and be hasty...yet that does not take away the difficulty factor.
While i need, crave, and expect to be owned again...at the same time i feel myself terrified of the possibility. And truthfully...i can not give you an exact reason for my fear. i have ideas of why that feeling is there, but truly i am not sure if those ideas are the correct reasons behind the fearfulness.
i find myself skimming my toes on the edge of Dominant waters here and there...then i pull back and think to myself..."no, not yet"...but the thought, ideals, and desire never leave. Eventually, the dipping of a toe will end and i will dive in.
i know how well i serve...not to blow my own horn too much; but really i am a good slave. i devote myself fully, and i work very hard and love being capable and pleasurable property. i am also a smart cookie, who understands the need for my own pro activity, strength, and self sufficientness. Even though i feel a little needy and off balance now...i am not a needy owned slave."
I left her an encouraging comment to the effect that 1) it will happen when it's supposed to, and 2) the waiting is, in and of itself, potentially rewarding.
Waiting is an aspect of all our lives and admittedly it pretty much sucks. It throws us off when we weren't expecting to have to wait. I have a day full of errands planned. I expect the post office to be in and out but end up having to wait; there goes My carefully-thought-out schedule. Or I'm running late for an appointment and every damn light is red. Then when I finally get there the elevator takes forever to come and ends up having to stop at every floor between the lobby and My floor.
While the "trivial" waiting like that can be annoying (and, I realize now, it was often a source of many "unnecessary" cigarettes I smoked), I have the ability to look at the size of the line and come up with an expectation of X number of minutes of waiting time, and in fact coming up with a reasonable expectation is important to making the wait more manageable.
But when there's no way to know how long the wait will be, and when what we are waiting for is something we long for, need, crave, something that speaks to the deepest promptings of our nature, the stakes are so much higher. And it's a waiting that never goes away until it's over. We might not feel it acutely every minute of every day, but it is always there, and the slightest prompt -- one line of a blog, a picture, a sound, a gesture, anything can bring the intensity of our craving crashing back to us.
So, where do I come off saying that such waiting can be almost as rewarding as the (hoped for) end result of the waiting? Am I really saying that standing there watching the timer while the cookies bake can be as much fun as eating the cookies?
If the first part of what I commented to lil pig is correct, i.e., that it will happen when it's supposed to, then the second part, that the waiting itself can be rewarding, more or less has to be true. The difficult part is accepting the first condition.
If one considers that statement "it will happen when it's supposed to happen," and assume for the moment that that is true, there are two basic possible reactions. One, inaction. One does nothing, since the statement implies that our actions can't influence the outcome anyway. Inaction eventually leads to depression and despair, though, as feelings of powerlessness overwhelm our desire to do anything. We end up closed off, isolated. Difficult to be with and ultimately, difficult to love.
The second possible reaction is patience. Patience is not inaction. Patience is a sort of "active waiting," in which we understand that we can not force the action, as it were, because we know that it will happen when it must happen, but at the same time we don't lapse into inaction and despair. A quiet but unshakable certainty informs our actions because we have the knowledge that it will happen and the understanding that the waiting, this interim period, is in and of itself a integral part of the process.
What differentiates one reaction from the other?
Time to haul out one of My favorite chestnuts. The thing that allows for true patience is the ability to let go. If we can let go of the expectation, if we can shed that feeling that our craving and need creates some justification for itself, and at the same time let go of the opposite urge to give up and feel deserving of nothing, we can arrive, eventually, at real patience. We are creatures conditioned to hold on; in our undifferentiated clinging desire we latch onto and jealousy guard the most damaging things, along with the good things. As long as we continue to do that, waiting for what we need the most is going to feel like a never-ending post office line, and that will crush and contort anyone's spirit.
~~~~~~~~
1. I've added some blogs to the link list and fixed a link or two that had changed. I"m still out scouring, looking for more links to add and beginning the somewhat tedious but ultimately rewarding process of link-whoring.
2. Tomorrow will be two weeks smoke free! I am, slowly, starting to feel like a non-smoker. The other day at work I joked to two smoking co-workers that their "second-hand smoke was killing Me." I promise never to be that kind of non-smoker.
3. As always, KAHTATUS.
2. Tomorrow will be two weeks smoke free! I am, slowly, starting to feel like a non-smoker. The other day at work I joked to two smoking co-workers that their "second-hand smoke was killing Me." I promise never to be that kind of non-smoker.
3. As always, KAHTATUS.
Pride, Bitchiness, and Balance
desiree wrote:
"Pride - As in, how do you know you have to much of it? When are you being unreasonable and just stubborn? Where’s that line between a healthy dose of self respect and just fucking being a bitch? And how in the hell do you know when you passed it? And having passed into the realm of The Bitch, is that a bad thing?"
There's a lot packed into those few lines.
In practical terms, I don't think it's always possible to know. But in general a good rule of thumb is: One person often is wrong, two people can easily be wrong, three people are wrong close to half the time, but four or more people are right most of the time. Meaning, if everyone thinks you're an unreasonable, stubborn, arrogant bitch, then you probably are one. Of course if you are one you most likely don't consider what others think often enough to even pose the question. So if you have enough perspective to pose the question then you pretty much aren't an unreasonable, stubborn, arrogant bitch.
In terms of D/s, it's complicated.
1. For the submissive, the opinion of "Everyone" matters a lot less than the opinion of One in particular. It's little comfort if everyone thinks you're great but your Owner seems to constantly have difficulty with you. And that may be a sign that 1) you're not with the right Person, or 2) you're not in the right flavor of the lifestyle.
2. Being a good submissive is a tremendous balancing act. The submissive does need a very healthy sense of pride and self-respect in order to fully, freely submit. Without sounding too much like a self-help book cliche, there has to be strong, deep reserve of something inside to draw from. At the same time being unreasonable and stubborn aren't going to work either, for obvious reasons. Finding and maintaining that middle ground is one of the most difficult things for a submissive and too often I think Dom/mes are not conscious enough of how difficult that balancing act is.
3. The balancing act isn't limited to submissives. I've written before about the humility that a Dom/me needs in order to lead well. It's so easy, being adored and worshipped, being the object of love and devotion and submission, to lose perspective and start to "believe One's own press clippings." Down that road lays disaster. At the same time, being "too nice" is just as poisonous.
4. D/s interactions are subject to aggressive norming behaviors. Meaning, there is a process of natural selection that goes on. In this field of endeavor often it's immediately apparent whether one is going to "click" with another -- often a two minute exchange that amounts to "what's your kink(s)?" is sufficient. The good part of this is that people tend to end up with who they should end up with and are comfy with; the bad part is that it leads to a certain judgmental outlook, which is ironic in an arena where everyone loves to talk about "tolerance." But in terms of pride, bithciness, etc., the system is highly efficient at putting together those with the biggest "bitch" factor and those with the highest tolerance/appreciation for that bitchiness (and conversely, those on the other end of that scale tend to find each other as well). Mismatches of this type tend to be short-lived.
"Pride - As in, how do you know you have to much of it? When are you being unreasonable and just stubborn? Where’s that line between a healthy dose of self respect and just fucking being a bitch? And how in the hell do you know when you passed it? And having passed into the realm of The Bitch, is that a bad thing?"
There's a lot packed into those few lines.
In practical terms, I don't think it's always possible to know. But in general a good rule of thumb is: One person often is wrong, two people can easily be wrong, three people are wrong close to half the time, but four or more people are right most of the time. Meaning, if everyone thinks you're an unreasonable, stubborn, arrogant bitch, then you probably are one. Of course if you are one you most likely don't consider what others think often enough to even pose the question. So if you have enough perspective to pose the question then you pretty much aren't an unreasonable, stubborn, arrogant bitch.
In terms of D/s, it's complicated.
1. For the submissive, the opinion of "Everyone" matters a lot less than the opinion of One in particular. It's little comfort if everyone thinks you're great but your Owner seems to constantly have difficulty with you. And that may be a sign that 1) you're not with the right Person, or 2) you're not in the right flavor of the lifestyle.
2. Being a good submissive is a tremendous balancing act. The submissive does need a very healthy sense of pride and self-respect in order to fully, freely submit. Without sounding too much like a self-help book cliche, there has to be strong, deep reserve of something inside to draw from. At the same time being unreasonable and stubborn aren't going to work either, for obvious reasons. Finding and maintaining that middle ground is one of the most difficult things for a submissive and too often I think Dom/mes are not conscious enough of how difficult that balancing act is.
3. The balancing act isn't limited to submissives. I've written before about the humility that a Dom/me needs in order to lead well. It's so easy, being adored and worshipped, being the object of love and devotion and submission, to lose perspective and start to "believe One's own press clippings." Down that road lays disaster. At the same time, being "too nice" is just as poisonous.
4. D/s interactions are subject to aggressive norming behaviors. Meaning, there is a process of natural selection that goes on. In this field of endeavor often it's immediately apparent whether one is going to "click" with another -- often a two minute exchange that amounts to "what's your kink(s)?" is sufficient. The good part of this is that people tend to end up with who they should end up with and are comfy with; the bad part is that it leads to a certain judgmental outlook, which is ironic in an arena where everyone loves to talk about "tolerance." But in terms of pride, bithciness, etc., the system is highly efficient at putting together those with the biggest "bitch" factor and those with the highest tolerance/appreciation for that bitchiness (and conversely, those on the other end of that scale tend to find each other as well). Mismatches of this type tend to be short-lived.
Acting As If (Again . . . Still . . . Always . . . Forever)
Some time ago I wrote about the concept of acting as if as an aspect of "fully exploring the known," which I see as a precursor to any true exploration of the unknown, i. e., spiritual matters.
But to confine acting as if to that arena does a disservice to a very useful and necessary part of a submissive's behavioral makeup.
For something so simple, acting as if is hard to explain. I have on multiple occasions attempted to explain the concept, both to My girls and to others. I would rate My own success in conveying what I am trying to convey at about 50-55%. And since I can objectively say that I'm good at explaining, I must conclude that the difficulty lies largely in the concept itself.
But I have to take into account that perhaps I just haven't yet hit on the right way to put it. Thank goodness life allows for 1,843 attempts. As the saying goes, the 1843rd time is the charm!
OK. Here's a definition for acting as if:
Acting as if is a method for bringing about desired changes in personality, habits, etc., that is based on actions, not on thoughts and plans or desire to change. One simply acts as though the desired future state already exists and over time said state does become reality.
I'm not going to issue the 112 disclaimers that I conceivably could issue about the above statement. I am not talking about diving headlong into a delusional state, stalking the object of one's affection, pretending that one is the Queen of England, ignoring one's own or someone else's hard limits, doing anything illegal, you get the idea please tell Me you get the idea if you don't get the idea read this paragraph over and over and over until you do please thank you thank you very much whew.
What I am talking about are the situations that constantly come up, both in normal vanilla relationships and with amazing regularity in D/s relationships. The areas where the submissive is up against some blockage in his or her movement along the path. Not a limit, per se, but something that s/he is having trouble with. Often these are issues of consistency or completeness, inability to "remember" certain things, etc.
The typical way to approach this is to apologize, then to "think about it." This is preceded by a promise to "work on it." Then one goes off and "thinks about it," presumably to be followed in relatively short order by the "working on it."
The apology and the promise, 95% of the time, are genuine, as is the desire to improve. The "working on it" entails genuine sincere effort.
And yet, more then 95% of the time . . . it's not successful.
The reason that is is because we are captive to our own reflexive thought processes. That is, there is no way to "think about it" or "work on it" without engaging all the things (whatever they may ultimately be) that are holding us back from performing better in the first place.
Ideally, acting as if breaks through all that. One doesn't promise to do better. One does, and it ends up being better.
There is no way to talk about it without making it sound overly simple. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth -- it's the opposite of simple, even if it does involve simple base concepts. One does, in effect, trick one's self . . . one does turn off the thinking/analyzing part. One . . . lets go (another pet concept of Mine) of something very close to ourselves, in a very real way. And that is not at all easy or simple.
But acting as if is composed of simple units.
1. Simplify. Boil a submissive's existence down to the simplest three words. Serve. Please. Obey. Faithfully applied, that covers 99.9% of the D/s stuff (note we are not talking about normal daily vanilla life here).
2. Be Open. Do not commit to embracing a huge change in how you do things overnight, but at least leave yourself open to the possibility that there is another way -- a way not only not tried but likely not even conceived of to this point.
3. Put the cart before the horse. Start at the end -- that is, instead of trying to design a way of remembering to do X every day, do X today. After you do X, smile for a moment at your success, then do X tomorrow. Rinse. Repeat.
4. There are no big or small things. I talk to My girls often about this point. I tell them that all they do serves Me. And on that basis, all things they do are equal, because what is the same about them is much more important than the ways in which they might differ. The effect of thinking about all actions on this basis is that acting as if over time permeates one's approach to everything, and not only becomes easier to apply but also more effective. This approach also brings the proper consistency to one's thoughts and words and replaces the cycle of think/plan/try/fail/self-criticize/apologize with true self-respect as one's stockpile of tiny successes constantly grows in the background.
Acting as if works in this context because it recognizes and respects the paradoxes and difficulties of a D/s relationship, and instead of trying to apply typical responses and thought patterns to those difficulties, seeks to address them with an approach that succeeds by tackling that enormity with minuscule but absolutely consistent steps.
But to confine acting as if to that arena does a disservice to a very useful and necessary part of a submissive's behavioral makeup.
For something so simple, acting as if is hard to explain. I have on multiple occasions attempted to explain the concept, both to My girls and to others. I would rate My own success in conveying what I am trying to convey at about 50-55%. And since I can objectively say that I'm good at explaining, I must conclude that the difficulty lies largely in the concept itself.
But I have to take into account that perhaps I just haven't yet hit on the right way to put it. Thank goodness life allows for 1,843 attempts. As the saying goes, the 1843rd time is the charm!
OK. Here's a definition for acting as if:
Acting as if is a method for bringing about desired changes in personality, habits, etc., that is based on actions, not on thoughts and plans or desire to change. One simply acts as though the desired future state already exists and over time said state does become reality.
I'm not going to issue the 112 disclaimers that I conceivably could issue about the above statement. I am not talking about diving headlong into a delusional state, stalking the object of one's affection, pretending that one is the Queen of England, ignoring one's own or someone else's hard limits, doing anything illegal, you get the idea please tell Me you get the idea if you don't get the idea read this paragraph over and over and over until you do please thank you thank you very much whew.
What I am talking about are the situations that constantly come up, both in normal vanilla relationships and with amazing regularity in D/s relationships. The areas where the submissive is up against some blockage in his or her movement along the path. Not a limit, per se, but something that s/he is having trouble with. Often these are issues of consistency or completeness, inability to "remember" certain things, etc.
The typical way to approach this is to apologize, then to "think about it." This is preceded by a promise to "work on it." Then one goes off and "thinks about it," presumably to be followed in relatively short order by the "working on it."
The apology and the promise, 95% of the time, are genuine, as is the desire to improve. The "working on it" entails genuine sincere effort.
And yet, more then 95% of the time . . . it's not successful.
The reason that is is because we are captive to our own reflexive thought processes. That is, there is no way to "think about it" or "work on it" without engaging all the things (whatever they may ultimately be) that are holding us back from performing better in the first place.
Ideally, acting as if breaks through all that. One doesn't promise to do better. One does, and it ends up being better.
There is no way to talk about it without making it sound overly simple. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth -- it's the opposite of simple, even if it does involve simple base concepts. One does, in effect, trick one's self . . . one does turn off the thinking/analyzing part. One . . . lets go (another pet concept of Mine) of something very close to ourselves, in a very real way. And that is not at all easy or simple.
But acting as if is composed of simple units.
1. Simplify. Boil a submissive's existence down to the simplest three words. Serve. Please. Obey. Faithfully applied, that covers 99.9% of the D/s stuff (note we are not talking about normal daily vanilla life here).
2. Be Open. Do not commit to embracing a huge change in how you do things overnight, but at least leave yourself open to the possibility that there is another way -- a way not only not tried but likely not even conceived of to this point.
3. Put the cart before the horse. Start at the end -- that is, instead of trying to design a way of remembering to do X every day, do X today. After you do X, smile for a moment at your success, then do X tomorrow. Rinse. Repeat.
4. There are no big or small things. I talk to My girls often about this point. I tell them that all they do serves Me. And on that basis, all things they do are equal, because what is the same about them is much more important than the ways in which they might differ. The effect of thinking about all actions on this basis is that acting as if over time permeates one's approach to everything, and not only becomes easier to apply but also more effective. This approach also brings the proper consistency to one's thoughts and words and replaces the cycle of think/plan/try/fail/self-criticize/apologize with true self-respect as one's stockpile of tiny successes constantly grows in the background.
Acting as if works in this context because it recognizes and respects the paradoxes and difficulties of a D/s relationship, and instead of trying to apply typical responses and thought patterns to those difficulties, seeks to address them with an approach that succeeds by tackling that enormity with minuscule but absolutely consistent steps.
YouTube Tuesday: My Day Was . . . Monstrous!
It was one of those days where I really just wanted to destroy stuff. And it wasn't anything to do with nicotine withdrawal -- that part really is pretty much over. It wasn't hormonal. It was just . . . one of those days where the best recourse at any given moment, the only way to be heard, understood, appreciated, was via the random destruction of inanimate objects.
But of course you can't do that. It's in the not-so-fine print in the Employee Handbook.
But when I got home and I knew what youtube Tuesday needed to be tonight.
The Best Japanese Import Ever!!!
GODZILLA!!!!!!!!
(Oh, and a great Blue Oyster Cult song too.)
OK, I'm feeling much better now.
But of course you can't do that. It's in the not-so-fine print in the Employee Handbook.
But when I got home and I knew what youtube Tuesday needed to be tonight.
The Best Japanese Import Ever!!!
GODZILLA!!!!!!!!
(Oh, and a great Blue Oyster Cult song too.)
OK, I'm feeling much better now.
Temporary Things
alena wrote:
"Sometimes I need to be reminded, to know that I can mess up... that I can disappoint Her. Sometimes it's helpful to realize that there is a difference between pushing, and taking advantage."
There is a trap that submissives can fall into, even experienced ones. That trap is the feeling that mistakes are forever. Many Dom/mes unwittingly play into this perception -- the more intense a Dominant is, the better S/he is at expressing His or Her emotions, the more strongly the submissive is going feel the expression of displeasure.
It's helpful to bear in mind that:
1. Disappointment is temporary.
2. But so is being pleased.
Which is wonderful and terrible both at once, really. Because while it implies that there is no mistake that can't be overcome, it also implies that there's no . . . "completion," no end to the process. And while that latter fact is almost trivial in its obviousness, it can feel like a heavy weight on the submissive's shoulders at times. But as with everything else, it balances out -- there are times when the fact that "disappointment is temporary" will fill the submissive with joy and relief. And so:
3. There is no perfection but there is always redemption.
The Dom/me's part in this is to be the Keeper of the Perspective (the "KOP," conveniently enough!). For the submissive, it's not just "power" that's surrendered; if his or her submission is deep enough, perspective in large measure gets given over as well. Being the KOP means that the Dom/me has numbers 1-3 above in mind, all the time, and is leading in such a way that the submissive is being pushed/challenged/kept sharp while at the same time not allowed to fall into the trap of thinking that mistakes are forever.
Just like a good cop, a good KOP never uses His or Her power in anger. The KOP's actions are measured, sharply drawn, and strictly limited to the particular situation at hand. And, just as a cop has some discretion to let the offender off with a warning, the good KOP takes everything in account before deciding among laughter, lecture, penance, or punishment within the constraints of an overall consistent approach.
Redemption is that sturdy net below you as you walk a high wire across a canyon so wide there is no seeing the other side. Knowing the net is there gives you the courage to keep inching along.
"Sometimes I need to be reminded, to know that I can mess up... that I can disappoint Her. Sometimes it's helpful to realize that there is a difference between pushing, and taking advantage."
There is a trap that submissives can fall into, even experienced ones. That trap is the feeling that mistakes are forever. Many Dom/mes unwittingly play into this perception -- the more intense a Dominant is, the better S/he is at expressing His or Her emotions, the more strongly the submissive is going feel the expression of displeasure.
It's helpful to bear in mind that:
1. Disappointment is temporary.
2. But so is being pleased.
Which is wonderful and terrible both at once, really. Because while it implies that there is no mistake that can't be overcome, it also implies that there's no . . . "completion," no end to the process. And while that latter fact is almost trivial in its obviousness, it can feel like a heavy weight on the submissive's shoulders at times. But as with everything else, it balances out -- there are times when the fact that "disappointment is temporary" will fill the submissive with joy and relief. And so:
3. There is no perfection but there is always redemption.
The Dom/me's part in this is to be the Keeper of the Perspective (the "KOP," conveniently enough!). For the submissive, it's not just "power" that's surrendered; if his or her submission is deep enough, perspective in large measure gets given over as well. Being the KOP means that the Dom/me has numbers 1-3 above in mind, all the time, and is leading in such a way that the submissive is being pushed/challenged/kept sharp while at the same time not allowed to fall into the trap of thinking that mistakes are forever.
Just like a good cop, a good KOP never uses His or Her power in anger. The KOP's actions are measured, sharply drawn, and strictly limited to the particular situation at hand. And, just as a cop has some discretion to let the offender off with a warning, the good KOP takes everything in account before deciding among laughter, lecture, penance, or punishment within the constraints of an overall consistent approach.
Redemption is that sturdy net below you as you walk a high wire across a canyon so wide there is no seeing the other side. Knowing the net is there gives you the courage to keep inching along.
Housekeeping, Etc.
Now that the lonnnnnnng Lenora X story is finally done, I can get to some updates I've been meaning to do.
1. I removed the dead links. And along those lines, I get an error when I try to access Katja Minx's blog, sadomasokitten. Does anyone know if that blog has poofed, or is that just a temporary error?
2. A few blogs seem to have ceased, and others announced that they ceased. Those blogs I moved into a new section, called "Emeritus." The difference between putting blogs in this section and removing them completely is that the Emeritus blogs left their content up.
3. I'm behind on My blog reading, way behind. And further behind on exploring new links so that I can grow My link list as Ithreatened promised to do a couple weeks ago. I know everyone's anxious -- TEPB is all about finding masses of high-quality links and shamelessly whoring sharing them with My readers.
4. Still smoke-free! And I haven't killed any one, caused Myself grievous bodily harm, or committed any willful acts of property damage. Thanks to My girls for their support during this time . . . it's meant the world to Me.
5. Have a great weekend. KAHTATUS.
1. I removed the dead links. And along those lines, I get an error when I try to access Katja Minx's blog, sadomasokitten. Does anyone know if that blog has poofed, or is that just a temporary error?
2. A few blogs seem to have ceased, and others announced that they ceased. Those blogs I moved into a new section, called "Emeritus." The difference between putting blogs in this section and removing them completely is that the Emeritus blogs left their content up.
3. I'm behind on My blog reading, way behind. And further behind on exploring new links so that I can grow My link list as I
4. Still smoke-free! And I haven't killed any one, caused Myself grievous bodily harm, or committed any willful acts of property damage. Thanks to My girls for their support during this time . . . it's meant the world to Me.
5. Have a great weekend. KAHTATUS.
YouTube Tuesday: "Twin Peaks"
Let's Talk About Smoking
It's Day 8 of the plan to quit smoking, and the second day without any cigarettes at all, having stepped down sharply over the first 6 days.
Perversely enough, I've found that talking about smoking seems to help rather than make it more difficult.
So, some random observations:
1. What is it with these women (it's always women) who are able to only smoke during Happy Hour? Everyone's been at Happy Hour with one of these girls -- they smoke 17 cigarettes (all bummed of course) over four hours of drinking, then go back to their normal non-smoking lives and don't smoke again until two months later at Happy Hour again. WTF? Someone explain that one to Me. If I wasn't smoking, then smoked that many cigarettes in one night, I'd wake up addicted and pick right up the next day. Sigh.
2. There is one gigantic drawback to quitting smoking. And that is this: People Stink. When you smoke habitually, it dulls your sense of smell to some degree. Only when you stop smoking do you realize that not being able to smell everything all the time is actually a blessing. It's a nasty stinky smelly world out there -- a smoking habit provides a nice little buffer, one that you don't appreciate until it's gone.
3. A little research tells Me that in the early 1960s, a pack of cigarettes and a gallon of gas cost just about the same: 28 cents. There is something quietly romantic about that little factoid.
4. To be honest, I will miss smoking a lot. I understand all the reasons there are to quit, and I know that quitting is absolutely the right thing to do. But I was never a social smoker. I wasn't someone who smoked to have something in My hand. I love it. Certain cigarettes . . . that first one in the morning, the one after a good meal, the one after great sex . . . they're soooooo good. There's no describing them. They can make smoking the moral equivalent of shooting heroin, they can tax it half out of existence, they can restrict it and restrict it and restrict it, they can marginalize smokers all they want, but a lot of people smoke and keep smoking not solely because they're addicted.
5. I do worry about what happens when the pointy-heads do finally make smoking illegal. There are three big issues I see:
A. How will government make up the lost tax revenue? Be prepared to pay a lot more in gasoline and alcohol taxes.
B. Prohibition transformed organized crime groups from local crews that operated neighborhood by neighborhood into global powerhouses who were then able to increase their wealth geometrically again with narcotics. In more recent times the War on Drugs has enriched the cartels beyond anyone's wildest dreams. It's Rule #1: Supply appears in response to demand. Making cigarettes illegal doesn't lessen the demand, and there are plenty of people willing to supply them without having to worry about legal restrictions, quality control, etc. And then the government gets no tax revenues and still has the health-care costs.
C. The tobacco industry employs a lot of Americans. I don't know if the international market will be enough to keep the US tobacco industry going. It's important to remember that even industries we don't like contribute greatly to the economy.
6. OK, very quick very corny very necessary pep talk. If you think you can't quit -- you absolutely can. I know I can, and I am. You can too. Really. I don't have any magic answers but anyone who wants to know how I'm going about it can e-mail and I'll gladly share.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I needed that.
(My tanks to tasha for helping Me develop some of the ideas in this post.) KAHTATUS.
Perversely enough, I've found that talking about smoking seems to help rather than make it more difficult.
So, some random observations:
1. What is it with these women (it's always women) who are able to only smoke during Happy Hour? Everyone's been at Happy Hour with one of these girls -- they smoke 17 cigarettes (all bummed of course) over four hours of drinking, then go back to their normal non-smoking lives and don't smoke again until two months later at Happy Hour again. WTF? Someone explain that one to Me. If I wasn't smoking, then smoked that many cigarettes in one night, I'd wake up addicted and pick right up the next day. Sigh.
2. There is one gigantic drawback to quitting smoking. And that is this: People Stink. When you smoke habitually, it dulls your sense of smell to some degree. Only when you stop smoking do you realize that not being able to smell everything all the time is actually a blessing. It's a nasty stinky smelly world out there -- a smoking habit provides a nice little buffer, one that you don't appreciate until it's gone.
3. A little research tells Me that in the early 1960s, a pack of cigarettes and a gallon of gas cost just about the same: 28 cents. There is something quietly romantic about that little factoid.
4. To be honest, I will miss smoking a lot. I understand all the reasons there are to quit, and I know that quitting is absolutely the right thing to do. But I was never a social smoker. I wasn't someone who smoked to have something in My hand. I love it. Certain cigarettes . . . that first one in the morning, the one after a good meal, the one after great sex . . . they're soooooo good. There's no describing them. They can make smoking the moral equivalent of shooting heroin, they can tax it half out of existence, they can restrict it and restrict it and restrict it, they can marginalize smokers all they want, but a lot of people smoke and keep smoking not solely because they're addicted.
5. I do worry about what happens when the pointy-heads do finally make smoking illegal. There are three big issues I see:
A. How will government make up the lost tax revenue? Be prepared to pay a lot more in gasoline and alcohol taxes.
B. Prohibition transformed organized crime groups from local crews that operated neighborhood by neighborhood into global powerhouses who were then able to increase their wealth geometrically again with narcotics. In more recent times the War on Drugs has enriched the cartels beyond anyone's wildest dreams. It's Rule #1: Supply appears in response to demand. Making cigarettes illegal doesn't lessen the demand, and there are plenty of people willing to supply them without having to worry about legal restrictions, quality control, etc. And then the government gets no tax revenues and still has the health-care costs.
C. The tobacco industry employs a lot of Americans. I don't know if the international market will be enough to keep the US tobacco industry going. It's important to remember that even industries we don't like contribute greatly to the economy.
6. OK, very quick very corny very necessary pep talk. If you think you can't quit -- you absolutely can. I know I can, and I am. You can too. Really. I don't have any magic answers but anyone who wants to know how I'm going about it can e-mail and I'll gladly share.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I needed that.
(My tanks to tasha for helping Me develop some of the ideas in this post.) KAHTATUS.
Brief (Errr . . . ) Update
1. Big News! For Me, anyway . . . I am into My fifth day of quitting smoking. From close to a pack a day down to three cigarettes yesterday, and today might very well be the "zero" day.
I'm not too cranky, considering. The biggest problems have been the wanting to eat everything in sight and having My sleep/wake cycle completely thrown off. But, it's all temporary and all for the best.
2. The current Lenora X story rolls on . . . with luck (and better alertness) another episode will get posted this weekend. Once again, My thanks to tasha for doing such s great job on the fiction web page. Oh, and yes, will get the older Lenora X stories posted there too . . . soon.
3. I haven't been posting a lot aside from detective story chapters lately, and that's mainly because nothing much inspires Me of late in the D/s theory and philosophy arena. It's odd, but it happens from time to time . . . last night, I surfed blogs for over an hour, starting with My link list and going far afield, reading a lot of posts and comments . . . and finding nothing vaguely inspiring. I don't think it's any sudden decrease in the insightfulness or creativity of My fellow bloggers; it's just that . . . "stuff happens." In the meantime, thankfully, there are the Lenora X stories.
4. I, along with many others, note with sadness the passing of Freya's House of Dreams. I wasn't terribly surprised, I have to admit. Freya's wonderful blog was showing the signs of impending cessation -- her entries had become intermittent, and had a perfunctory feeling about them. I wish her all the best in her endeavors, and will miss her writing there tremendously.
5. OK, I've come to the realization that link-whoring in and of itself it not enough. In looking around at other blogs, and seeing how popular some are, I've come to the conclusion that in addition to consistent and faithful link-whoring, there is an aspect of unselfishness required, and that unselfishness is reflected in having a B.A.L.L. (Big-Assed Link List). Yes, you heard Me right -- maintaining a huge list of links regardless of whether they link back to you or not.
Karmically, it's the right thing to do. Plus, some people just will never link back, either because they don't read their e-mail, they can't be bothered to mess with their template, they don't know how to change their template or are afraid to, since it was done for the person by his or her geek friend.
And it looks mega-cool. And, a lot of links are gong to get reciprocated (and this is difficult for Me to say) without one's link-whoring to get them.
So My goal now is to have a B.A.L.L. That, applied with consistent link-whoring and a few other techniques (to be discussed/revealed in future entries) should have Me well on My way to blog stardom in no time!
6. More soon. As always, My girls please and thrill Me no end . . . I am lucky and blessed to have them. I love you, so much. Here's to the (smoke-free) future.
I'm not too cranky, considering. The biggest problems have been the wanting to eat everything in sight and having My sleep/wake cycle completely thrown off. But, it's all temporary and all for the best.
2. The current Lenora X story rolls on . . . with luck (and better alertness) another episode will get posted this weekend. Once again, My thanks to tasha for doing such s great job on the fiction web page. Oh, and yes, will get the older Lenora X stories posted there too . . . soon.
3. I haven't been posting a lot aside from detective story chapters lately, and that's mainly because nothing much inspires Me of late in the D/s theory and philosophy arena. It's odd, but it happens from time to time . . . last night, I surfed blogs for over an hour, starting with My link list and going far afield, reading a lot of posts and comments . . . and finding nothing vaguely inspiring. I don't think it's any sudden decrease in the insightfulness or creativity of My fellow bloggers; it's just that . . . "stuff happens." In the meantime, thankfully, there are the Lenora X stories.
4. I, along with many others, note with sadness the passing of Freya's House of Dreams. I wasn't terribly surprised, I have to admit. Freya's wonderful blog was showing the signs of impending cessation -- her entries had become intermittent, and had a perfunctory feeling about them. I wish her all the best in her endeavors, and will miss her writing there tremendously.
5. OK, I've come to the realization that link-whoring in and of itself it not enough. In looking around at other blogs, and seeing how popular some are, I've come to the conclusion that in addition to consistent and faithful link-whoring, there is an aspect of unselfishness required, and that unselfishness is reflected in having a B.A.L.L. (Big-Assed Link List). Yes, you heard Me right -- maintaining a huge list of links regardless of whether they link back to you or not.
Karmically, it's the right thing to do. Plus, some people just will never link back, either because they don't read their e-mail, they can't be bothered to mess with their template, they don't know how to change their template or are afraid to, since it was done for the person by his or her geek friend.
And it looks mega-cool. And, a lot of links are gong to get reciprocated (and this is difficult for Me to say) without one's link-whoring to get them.
So My goal now is to have a B.A.L.L. That, applied with consistent link-whoring and a few other techniques (to be discussed/revealed in future entries) should have Me well on My way to blog stardom in no time!
6. More soon. As always, My girls please and thrill Me no end . . . I am lucky and blessed to have them. I love you, so much. Here's to the (smoke-free) future.
YouTube Tuesday: IBlinds
Tonight's clip postulates a future household product based on the interface between your IPod and your window blinds.
Hey, it could happen . . . but don't forget . . .
IBlinds won't work with just any windows, or with just any house, for that matter. IBlinds can only work with IPortals (the word "Windows" was troublesome) as part of the IHouse Live Integration Environmental Design (LIED).
LIED, of course, is not compatible with standard electrical, water, furniture, carpeting, telephone, or broadband hookups. But all are available as add-on accessories. Due to licensing restrictions water and electricity are only authorized for use in one room at a time, although additional licenses are available for purchase on-line or at your nearest Apple Store.
LIED comes with a 6-month warranty, but for warranty service the entire IHouse must be packed up (a box will be provided) and returned to Apple. Note that occupants, pets, heirlooms, and photos of Christmas 2002 should not be sent as they will not be returned.
Enjoy the video, and enjoy the future.
Hey, it could happen . . . but don't forget . . .
IBlinds won't work with just any windows, or with just any house, for that matter. IBlinds can only work with IPortals (the word "Windows" was troublesome) as part of the IHouse Live Integration Environmental Design (LIED).
LIED, of course, is not compatible with standard electrical, water, furniture, carpeting, telephone, or broadband hookups. But all are available as add-on accessories. Due to licensing restrictions water and electricity are only authorized for use in one room at a time, although additional licenses are available for purchase on-line or at your nearest Apple Store.
LIED comes with a 6-month warranty, but for warranty service the entire IHouse must be packed up (a box will be provided) and returned to Apple. Note that occupants, pets, heirlooms, and photos of Christmas 2002 should not be sent as they will not be returned.
Enjoy the video, and enjoy the future.
YouTube Tuesday: Spinal Tap
Tonight's entry is a clip from the brilliant "mockumentary" This Is Spinal Tap, which purports to chronicle the fall and redemption of a band of legendary British Rockers.
In this clip, the band talks about the sucession of drummers that the band has lost to freak accidents and bizarre happenings. I'm not sure what made Me think of Spinal Tap tonight, but I was delighted to find several clips from the movie on youtube.
If you haven't seen it, go rent This Is Spinal Tap right away. It does a tremendous job of hilariously lampooning the pomposity that was arena rock, yet ends up doing do with more than a little love. It's funny and ultimately poignant (well, almost).
In this clip, the band talks about the sucession of drummers that the band has lost to freak accidents and bizarre happenings. I'm not sure what made Me think of Spinal Tap tonight, but I was delighted to find several clips from the movie on youtube.
If you haven't seen it, go rent This Is Spinal Tap right away. It does a tremendous job of hilariously lampooning the pomposity that was arena rock, yet ends up doing do with more than a little love. It's funny and ultimately poignant (well, almost).
Where You Are Is Where You Belong (For Now)
Lady Janon wrote:
"As for me, pet has done a good job of chronicling all of our exploits. I can feel her, the real Domme, lurking beneath a surface, like a tiger behind a thin pane of glass. I just have to figure out how to break through. She paces back and forth, waiting, watching, wanting.
But the thin glass was a steel fortress months ago, so we've definitely come forward. And that is good."
Reading that made Me think of one of the "lectures" I've given My girls, oh, once or 200 times now. Namely, that we are, pretty much, exactly where we should be, at the moment. That simple statement, almost inane in its obviousness, is much more profound than it seems at first glance.
In D/s, perhaps more than in any other field of human endeavor, there's a tendency to worry about where we are versus where we've come to believe we should be. I am not sure if that is because the Internet has made so many people's adventures/stories/philosophies available to a wide readership, or to some factor inherent in the pursuit of D/s. Perhaps an arena where one party by definition gives up control to a greater or lesser degree and wants to be dictated to creates a natural self-imposed competition against some perceived ideal. I honestly don't understand all the underlying dynamics there.
Aspiring to an ideal isn't a bad thing in and of itself, of course. The submissive, hopefully, is geared towards "improving" him- or herself in his or her service and submission to the Dominant. And, certainly, while I can understand and even endorse the idea that there is some objective standard to be aspired to, however loosely defined, in the end each D/s relationship ends up being shaped by individual desires/history/limits etc.
And if that's the case, then we truly are right where we must be at any given moment. We can hardly be otherwise. Where the problems come in, as I see it, are in three areas:
1. Being happy with the fact that we are where we must be right now.
2. Understanding that temporary sidetracks and missteps are just that, temporary.
3. Realizing that the Dominant and the submissive won't always be at the same state of acceptance of the current place they find themselves.
And this is where Lady Janon's quote above struck Me. I would say that the "real Domme" is already there. It's Her. Now. And that "real Domme" incorporates all the perceived hesitancy, the watching, waiting, and wanting . . . along with everything else that makes Her, Her. That makes us all what we are.
Does that imply that things never can or will change? Not at all. We are all on a continuum in this. We move along it, how and when we can, sometimes prodded to act, to move, by forces unnameable and incomprehensible, sometimes urged by those same forces to slow down, to consolidate, to ponder. One state has no less "realness" than the other. For Dominants, especially perceptive ones, it can be especially difficult since often We can feel, strongly, the submissives' desires to be pushed, challenged. And I know from personal experience the guilt that can accompany those feelings.
For Me, only a deep acceptance that I am where I must be, right now, and that My girls are too, gives Me the confidence, the calmness that I need to be Me. All of Me.
"As for me, pet has done a good job of chronicling all of our exploits. I can feel her, the real Domme, lurking beneath a surface, like a tiger behind a thin pane of glass. I just have to figure out how to break through. She paces back and forth, waiting, watching, wanting.
But the thin glass was a steel fortress months ago, so we've definitely come forward. And that is good."
Reading that made Me think of one of the "lectures" I've given My girls, oh, once or 200 times now. Namely, that we are, pretty much, exactly where we should be, at the moment. That simple statement, almost inane in its obviousness, is much more profound than it seems at first glance.
In D/s, perhaps more than in any other field of human endeavor, there's a tendency to worry about where we are versus where we've come to believe we should be. I am not sure if that is because the Internet has made so many people's adventures/stories/philosophies available to a wide readership, or to some factor inherent in the pursuit of D/s. Perhaps an arena where one party by definition gives up control to a greater or lesser degree and wants to be dictated to creates a natural self-imposed competition against some perceived ideal. I honestly don't understand all the underlying dynamics there.
Aspiring to an ideal isn't a bad thing in and of itself, of course. The submissive, hopefully, is geared towards "improving" him- or herself in his or her service and submission to the Dominant. And, certainly, while I can understand and even endorse the idea that there is some objective standard to be aspired to, however loosely defined, in the end each D/s relationship ends up being shaped by individual desires/history/limits etc.
And if that's the case, then we truly are right where we must be at any given moment. We can hardly be otherwise. Where the problems come in, as I see it, are in three areas:
1. Being happy with the fact that we are where we must be right now.
2. Understanding that temporary sidetracks and missteps are just that, temporary.
3. Realizing that the Dominant and the submissive won't always be at the same state of acceptance of the current place they find themselves.
And this is where Lady Janon's quote above struck Me. I would say that the "real Domme" is already there. It's Her. Now. And that "real Domme" incorporates all the perceived hesitancy, the watching, waiting, and wanting . . . along with everything else that makes Her, Her. That makes us all what we are.
Does that imply that things never can or will change? Not at all. We are all on a continuum in this. We move along it, how and when we can, sometimes prodded to act, to move, by forces unnameable and incomprehensible, sometimes urged by those same forces to slow down, to consolidate, to ponder. One state has no less "realness" than the other. For Dominants, especially perceptive ones, it can be especially difficult since often We can feel, strongly, the submissives' desires to be pushed, challenged. And I know from personal experience the guilt that can accompany those feelings.
For Me, only a deep acceptance that I am where I must be, right now, and that My girls are too, gives Me the confidence, the calmness that I need to be Me. All of Me.
A Simple Thing
Last week, I was talking to a girl and the subject got around to what had gone wrong between her and her former Mistress. One statement in her answer stuck with Me:
"i don't know -- She never seemed happy with me, was always displeased . . . "
That response got Me to thinking about how sometimes the smallest of things can have a huge impact. I don't know the girl's former Mistress, and I don't even know the girl all that well. What I do know of her is a polite, sweet, respectful girl. Not the sort of submissive with whom most Dommes would be "displeased" on a regular basis.
Now, perhaps the former Mistress had some very significant personal issues. Or maybe She simply lost sight of one of those simple things. In this case, one of the simplest of all: Being happy. And remembering to express that happiness.
D/s engages the emotions and the intellect, in numerous complex ways. As such it's easy to get caught up in that. And while that's often necessary -- a good Dom/me is always thinking, evaluating, considering -- it's just as necessary to stop and just take a deep breath and savor what it feels like to be the recipient of sincere submission and effort. We don't do it nearly often enough.
And, it feels to Me that We express that feeling to the other even more rarely. This is especially difficult because many submissives will not say that they need to hear it, because they are trying to be "good," or don't want to be perceived as overly needy. Thus the onus falls on the Dom/me to remember that the feedback, and not just the "corrective" feedback, is essential to the long-term emotional health of the submissive, and as a result to the health of the relationship as a whole.
It's so smiple . . . so almost corny, maybe, that We often let it slide. But so incredibly valuable. That very basic expression of One's overall happiness with the other: "you're a good girl (boy). you please Me well." Feeling it, expressing it, and hearing it, never gets old.
"i don't know -- She never seemed happy with me, was always displeased . . . "
That response got Me to thinking about how sometimes the smallest of things can have a huge impact. I don't know the girl's former Mistress, and I don't even know the girl all that well. What I do know of her is a polite, sweet, respectful girl. Not the sort of submissive with whom most Dommes would be "displeased" on a regular basis.
Now, perhaps the former Mistress had some very significant personal issues. Or maybe She simply lost sight of one of those simple things. In this case, one of the simplest of all: Being happy. And remembering to express that happiness.
D/s engages the emotions and the intellect, in numerous complex ways. As such it's easy to get caught up in that. And while that's often necessary -- a good Dom/me is always thinking, evaluating, considering -- it's just as necessary to stop and just take a deep breath and savor what it feels like to be the recipient of sincere submission and effort. We don't do it nearly often enough.
And, it feels to Me that We express that feeling to the other even more rarely. This is especially difficult because many submissives will not say that they need to hear it, because they are trying to be "good," or don't want to be perceived as overly needy. Thus the onus falls on the Dom/me to remember that the feedback, and not just the "corrective" feedback, is essential to the long-term emotional health of the submissive, and as a result to the health of the relationship as a whole.
It's so smiple . . . so almost corny, maybe, that We often let it slide. But so incredibly valuable. That very basic expression of One's overall happiness with the other: "you're a good girl (boy). you please Me well." Feeling it, expressing it, and hearing it, never gets old.
YouTube Tuesday: Anarchy in the UK
Tonight's clip: "Anarchy in the UK" by the Sex Pistols.
I certainly won't aruge that the Sex Pistols had any actual identifiable political leanings. They were a carefully manipulated and guided creation of Malcolm McClaren; "Anarchy" as a marketing concept -- one has to appreacite the irony there.
But sometimes, a thing takes on a life of its own, supercedes the designs of its creator(s), and becomes something entirely else. Did this song, or the Sex Pistols, bring about anything close to "Anarchy in the UK?" Obviously not. John Lydon became a pretty minor rock star. Sid Vicious died a lurid but in the end rather prosaic death. And yet, the Sex Pistols did come to represent the leading edge of something that changed rock music around definitively. And this song remains a powerful statement, even if the message is untenable, impossible, and inherently negative, and despite the fact that its genesis was driven by the classic music business motive: money.
I certainly won't aruge that the Sex Pistols had any actual identifiable political leanings. They were a carefully manipulated and guided creation of Malcolm McClaren; "Anarchy" as a marketing concept -- one has to appreacite the irony there.
But sometimes, a thing takes on a life of its own, supercedes the designs of its creator(s), and becomes something entirely else. Did this song, or the Sex Pistols, bring about anything close to "Anarchy in the UK?" Obviously not. John Lydon became a pretty minor rock star. Sid Vicious died a lurid but in the end rather prosaic death. And yet, the Sex Pistols did come to represent the leading edge of something that changed rock music around definitively. And this song remains a powerful statement, even if the message is untenable, impossible, and inherently negative, and despite the fact that its genesis was driven by the classic music business motive: money.
The Last Bit of Holiday Pie
The slice of life stuff.
It was a fun, not overly hectic holiday season. The extra time off from work was a welcome respite (the work situation, without going into much detail, is about to enter a difficult phase. I knew this before the holidays so I was grateful for the extra downtime before entering what promises to be a challenging stretch).
As is not My norm, I attended a New Year's Eve party. Which was a lot more fun than I'd anticipated. As a rule I hate New Year's Eve parties -- the forced joviality makes My skin crawl. But this party was a pleasant surprise . . . small enough to not be overwhleming, a lively but not out of control atmosphere, the chance to reconnect with some people I hadn't seen in a while and to meet a couple some new people. Plus, I looked great! (People said that before they got loaded, so I'm taking it as true). Getting dressed up for something other than work, a wedding, or a funeral, is fun. One forgets sometimes.
The past couple of months, up until about two weeks ago, was sort of a "down" period for Me. Physically I hadn't been feeling so wonderful, and over time that has an emotional/spiritual effect. Worse, I think it affected the girls to varying degrees. I am feeling much better lately, and I can feel that that's reflected in how I act. I see the positive effects in My girls, too. So that's a win-win-win-win. The constancy of their love and submission was a big factor in helping Me deal with the "down" period. When I tell people how lucky, how blessed, I am to have them, I can't be any more sincere. I only wish I had more and better words to express how I feel about them.
State of the Blog . . .
Tomorrow marks one year since I started this. I've had just shy of 38,000 visitors. Not overwhleming numbers, and certianly I'm no "blog star," but I'm happy with how things have progressed. I know of late that the adventures of Lenora X have dominated the entries. That's not neccessarily for lack of other things to write about, but more the fact that I have to go where I'm inspired, and right now the Domme Detective is where that is.
I guess I wouldn't mind more traffic but I just haven't had the time to get out there and link-whore properly. Maybe soon I'll work on that.
A couple of new links . . . Mimi's Place, and Miss Fran. mimi is a self-described "service-oriented non-masochistic bottom" who writes with a refreshing candor. Miss Fran is a Domme Who's pretty much just starting out. Both worth a look.
I am getting semi-bored with YouTube Tuesday. Some Tuesdays it feels like a chore. Not good. I may expand My range of sites I get videos from, or make it a more randomly-occurring feature.
I hope everyone had a wonderful and joyous holiday season and I wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2007, in every sense. I'd also like to issue a sort of mass delurk invitation: Please, take a moment and leave a comment, if you read but never drop a line.
More soon. KAHTATUS. (That's -- "kisses and hugs to all the usual suspects"; I'd gotten a couple of questions about what KAHTATUS was.)
It was a fun, not overly hectic holiday season. The extra time off from work was a welcome respite (the work situation, without going into much detail, is about to enter a difficult phase. I knew this before the holidays so I was grateful for the extra downtime before entering what promises to be a challenging stretch).
As is not My norm, I attended a New Year's Eve party. Which was a lot more fun than I'd anticipated. As a rule I hate New Year's Eve parties -- the forced joviality makes My skin crawl. But this party was a pleasant surprise . . . small enough to not be overwhleming, a lively but not out of control atmosphere, the chance to reconnect with some people I hadn't seen in a while and to meet a couple some new people. Plus, I looked great! (People said that before they got loaded, so I'm taking it as true). Getting dressed up for something other than work, a wedding, or a funeral, is fun. One forgets sometimes.
The past couple of months, up until about two weeks ago, was sort of a "down" period for Me. Physically I hadn't been feeling so wonderful, and over time that has an emotional/spiritual effect. Worse, I think it affected the girls to varying degrees. I am feeling much better lately, and I can feel that that's reflected in how I act. I see the positive effects in My girls, too. So that's a win-win-win-win. The constancy of their love and submission was a big factor in helping Me deal with the "down" period. When I tell people how lucky, how blessed, I am to have them, I can't be any more sincere. I only wish I had more and better words to express how I feel about them.
State of the Blog . . .
Tomorrow marks one year since I started this. I've had just shy of 38,000 visitors. Not overwhleming numbers, and certianly I'm no "blog star," but I'm happy with how things have progressed. I know of late that the adventures of Lenora X have dominated the entries. That's not neccessarily for lack of other things to write about, but more the fact that I have to go where I'm inspired, and right now the Domme Detective is where that is.
I guess I wouldn't mind more traffic but I just haven't had the time to get out there and link-whore properly. Maybe soon I'll work on that.
A couple of new links . . . Mimi's Place, and Miss Fran. mimi is a self-described "service-oriented non-masochistic bottom" who writes with a refreshing candor. Miss Fran is a Domme Who's pretty much just starting out. Both worth a look.
I am getting semi-bored with YouTube Tuesday. Some Tuesdays it feels like a chore. Not good. I may expand My range of sites I get videos from, or make it a more randomly-occurring feature.
I hope everyone had a wonderful and joyous holiday season and I wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2007, in every sense. I'd also like to issue a sort of mass delurk invitation: Please, take a moment and leave a comment, if you read but never drop a line.
More soon. KAHTATUS. (That's -- "kisses and hugs to all the usual suspects"; I'd gotten a couple of questions about what KAHTATUS was.)
YouTube Tuesday: Multiplication Without Math
Tonight's video clip illustrates a neat trick for multiplying two numbers together that requires no actual math. Not exactly practical, necessarily, but fascinating . . . and strangely compelling.
YouTube Tuesday: Holiday Charity Appeal
A cute little takeoff on the heartfelt holiday charity pitch. And a well-known Holywood bimbo type shows at least a little sense of humor about her own image and the roots of her "fame."
Hope . . . And Change
This time of year gets Me thinking a lot about those things that the season is at least theoretically about: Joy, Peace, and Hope. Less comforting sometimes, to think about is the aspect of Change, which is a part of this season, too.
Below is quoted a favorite poem of Mine, The Journey of the Magi, by T. S. Eliot. Eliot's take on the birth of Christ, from the Magi's point of view, isn't exactly Hallmark Card material. But for Me this poem encapsulates the "Change" aspect of the season.
A Happy Holiday season to all . . . with all that the season entails.
'A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.'
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.
Below is quoted a favorite poem of Mine, The Journey of the Magi, by T. S. Eliot. Eliot's take on the birth of Christ, from the Magi's point of view, isn't exactly Hallmark Card material. But for Me this poem encapsulates the "Change" aspect of the season.
A Happy Holiday season to all . . . with all that the season entails.
'A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.'
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.
Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water-mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.
All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.
You Don't Say
I've written a number of times about the importance of communcaition between Dominant and submissive. But there are times, in D/s, and especially in life, when silence truly is golden.
I'm not talking about those very intense moments of subspace, or Topspace. Words are unnecessary and in any event inadeqaute at those times. Nor am I takking about those times, and every Dom/me and sub has had them, where one just knows that discretion is the better part of valor (or obedience). I'm talking about times when it's simply not necessary to say anything, or, more to the point, to say a particular thing.
I am fond of saying to My girls that "I notice everything." And I think they would concur that I pretty much do. But I only express a small fraction of what I notice. And not only with them; that behavior carries over into other interactions, both in D/s spheres and in daily life.
Certainly it pertains here in the blogosphere. I read a lot of blogs. I comment rarely, and I blog on a small percentage of things that I might blog about.
Why?
The big aspect, for Me, is that it's a matter of control. Control starts with controlling One's own responses. People say and write a lot of things. Often those things could be responded to. But part of Me being Me, and feeling good about Myself, is remembering that other people's negaitvity diminishes them, not Me. When I don't respond, I feel stronger, not because I was the "bigger person," but becasue I'm reminded that I've held onto the one thing that is truly, immutably, totally Mine -- self-control. What others do, and how they do it . . . well, that's on them, for good or ill, ultimately. But watching what I say and how I say it makes Me feel good.
When communcation was almost exclusively one on one, there were natural buffers, unspoken norms that constrained behavior and choice of words, tone, etc. And there were natural constraints on the length of interactions, often. In the net age where there is "anonymity" and asynchronicity all bets are off. In a medum of immediacy and essentially universal access, the goal seems to be to not only say whatever you like however you want to, but also to say absolutely everything that one might be thinking/have thought. I think that overall we are worse off as a result.
And there is no hierarchy of intelligence here. In fact, the smart people are the worst offenders, since, well, being smart, they tend to have more to say.
And speaking of which . . . I've said more than enough already. KAHTATUS.
I'm not talking about those very intense moments of subspace, or Topspace. Words are unnecessary and in any event inadeqaute at those times. Nor am I takking about those times, and every Dom/me and sub has had them, where one just knows that discretion is the better part of valor (or obedience). I'm talking about times when it's simply not necessary to say anything, or, more to the point, to say a particular thing.
I am fond of saying to My girls that "I notice everything." And I think they would concur that I pretty much do. But I only express a small fraction of what I notice. And not only with them; that behavior carries over into other interactions, both in D/s spheres and in daily life.
Certainly it pertains here in the blogosphere. I read a lot of blogs. I comment rarely, and I blog on a small percentage of things that I might blog about.
Why?
The big aspect, for Me, is that it's a matter of control. Control starts with controlling One's own responses. People say and write a lot of things. Often those things could be responded to. But part of Me being Me, and feeling good about Myself, is remembering that other people's negaitvity diminishes them, not Me. When I don't respond, I feel stronger, not because I was the "bigger person," but becasue I'm reminded that I've held onto the one thing that is truly, immutably, totally Mine -- self-control. What others do, and how they do it . . . well, that's on them, for good or ill, ultimately. But watching what I say and how I say it makes Me feel good.
When communcation was almost exclusively one on one, there were natural buffers, unspoken norms that constrained behavior and choice of words, tone, etc. And there were natural constraints on the length of interactions, often. In the net age where there is "anonymity" and asynchronicity all bets are off. In a medum of immediacy and essentially universal access, the goal seems to be to not only say whatever you like however you want to, but also to say absolutely everything that one might be thinking/have thought. I think that overall we are worse off as a result.
And there is no hierarchy of intelligence here. In fact, the smart people are the worst offenders, since, well, being smart, they tend to have more to say.
And speaking of which . . . I've said more than enough already. KAHTATUS.
YouTube Tuesday: Once In A Lifetime
Perhaps My favorite song of any genre of any era. Rarely does a piece of music hit every nerve -- muscial, spritiual, intellectual, physical. When I hear this song I feel it, in every part of Me. Yes, I know this is a shortened version (I assume at the behest of MTV), but the live versions don't do it for Me the same way.
YouTube Tuesday: Totally Wrong, But What The Hell?
I admit to being pretty uninspired tonight in My search for a youtube Tuesday clip.
But when in doubt, Kylie Minogue barely dressed is a pretty good choice. This clip is a lingerie commercial (not shown in the US as far as I know) . . . a mechanical bull, an old lady, a rather lame joke. Doesn't sound promising but as commericals go, but . . . somehow it all works. The music is "Main Offender" by The Hives.
But when in doubt, Kylie Minogue barely dressed is a pretty good choice. This clip is a lingerie commercial (not shown in the US as far as I know) . . . a mechanical bull, an old lady, a rather lame joke. Doesn't sound promising but as commericals go, but . . . somehow it all works. The music is "Main Offender" by The Hives.
New Link/Progress Report
I discovered, thanks to technorati, that I'm linked to from the fabulous Myths and Metawhores. So in accordance with long-standing #TEPB policy, they've been added to the link list. Thanks, and glad to reciprocate . . .
Part 5 of the current Lenora X story is in the works . . . it's taking a bit longer than I'd intended but it's coming along . . .
More soon . . . hope all are well and happy . . . KAHTATUS (kissses and hugs to all the usual suspects).
Part 5 of the current Lenora X story is in the works . . . it's taking a bit longer than I'd intended but it's coming along . . .
More soon . . . hope all are well and happy . . . KAHTATUS (kissses and hugs to all the usual suspects).
YouTube Tuesday: Fashion, Baby!
Tonight's clip is from a fetish fashion show held a couple of months ago in Atalnta by Buckle magazine.
What I like particularly about this clip is that unlike a "straight" fashioin show, the crowd is really into it. At most fashion shows there's nothing going on in the audience except some murmurs and the scribbing of notes by reporters. At this show, the crowd is totally alive, screaming, hollering, making the fashion show an event in and of itself, as opposed to a traditional fashion show which feels much more like an extended introduction to a thing. This show feels like the thing itself.
Also, about midway through, it appears as though one of the models starts to fall off of her platform heels, but she makes a neat move and saves it, making it look at though it's part of the dance and sort of corkscrews herself down to the floor.
Some cool clothes, too. Hmmm . . . think that blue number with the butterflies on it is a bit too much for the office?
What I like particularly about this clip is that unlike a "straight" fashioin show, the crowd is really into it. At most fashion shows there's nothing going on in the audience except some murmurs and the scribbing of notes by reporters. At this show, the crowd is totally alive, screaming, hollering, making the fashion show an event in and of itself, as opposed to a traditional fashion show which feels much more like an extended introduction to a thing. This show feels like the thing itself.
Also, about midway through, it appears as though one of the models starts to fall off of her platform heels, but she makes a neat move and saves it, making it look at though it's part of the dance and sort of corkscrews herself down to the floor.
Some cool clothes, too. Hmmm . . . think that blue number with the butterflies on it is a bit too much for the office?
Tagged!
nina tagged Me . . . the meme in in question is to reveal "six weird things about Me."
Well . . . hmmm. Weird is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose, but here goes.
1. I am deathly afraid of horses. I have no idea why, or how, but I always have been. I can't recall any bad experience.
2. I hate mustard. About to the point of physical revulsion.
3. The stupider something is, the funnier I think it is. Jay and Silent Bob may be the funiest film ever made. Or maybe Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
4. In college I was that person who lobbied for anchovies on the pizza.
5. I have never ever tattled on another person. Even as a child.
6. While I do not believe in reincarnation, I do believe that I'd have been much better off having lived in the 1940s.
OK . . . I'm supposed to tag SIX people? . . . well, in keeping with My inability to follow rules not of My own creation, I tag two people . . . this girl and taylor . . .
Well . . . hmmm. Weird is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose, but here goes.
1. I am deathly afraid of horses. I have no idea why, or how, but I always have been. I can't recall any bad experience.
2. I hate mustard. About to the point of physical revulsion.
3. The stupider something is, the funnier I think it is. Jay and Silent Bob may be the funiest film ever made. Or maybe Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
4. In college I was that person who lobbied for anchovies on the pizza.
5. I have never ever tattled on another person. Even as a child.
6. While I do not believe in reincarnation, I do believe that I'd have been much better off having lived in the 1940s.
OK . . . I'm supposed to tag SIX people? . . . well, in keeping with My inability to follow rules not of My own creation, I tag two people . . . this girl and taylor . . .
New Link . . .
A few things this week caught My eye, courtesy of sitemeter.
1. I'm linked to from a Femdom blog that's entirely in Spanish, Las Mujeres Mandan . . . true to the finest link-whore tradition, I'm adding them to the linklist. Any readers fluent in Spanish who might happen to visit there can let Me know if it's any good.
2. My blog was mentioned in a post on a Polish Femdom message board.
3. Just about half of My traffic (48%) comes from outside the US.
Cool.
1. I'm linked to from a Femdom blog that's entirely in Spanish, Las Mujeres Mandan . . . true to the finest link-whore tradition, I'm adding them to the linklist. Any readers fluent in Spanish who might happen to visit there can let Me know if it's any good.
2. My blog was mentioned in a post on a Polish Femdom message board.
3. Just about half of My traffic (48%) comes from outside the US.
Cool.
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