New links: Vivienne's Sex Carnival . . . Spanking Blog . . . Cease Resistance: Spanking Ree
I've been a little remiss in adding links . . . sometimes the blog housekeeping, like any kind of housekeeping, falls behind. I think I'm caught up now.
There's a great scene towards the end of Annie Hall where Woody Allen is walking around the streets of Manhattan, musing about the end of his relationship with Annie, and on love and relationships in general. He relates an old joke in the process:
Patient: Doctor, I need help. My brother thinks he's a chicken!
Psychiatrist: How long has he thought this?
Patient: About 10 years.
Psychiatrist: And you're just coming to me now?
Patient: Well, we need the eggs.
Allen goes on to say how that joke sort of sums up relationships -- they're crazy and often painful but we keep at them becasue well, we "need the eggs."
It's lke that in D/s, too. And, as with seemingly everything else in this sphere, things are stronger, deeper, more intense. I have known a few (a very few) who've gone back to being vanilla after having been involved in D/s. From what I can tell, even for those who are "happy" in that arena, there is an esssential thing that's missing. And it's not a good sex life, or at least, not a sex life. The thing that's missing is the emotional/mental charge, the soul-filling thing that responding on a more or less constant basis to a need that is beyond sex, beyond emotion, beyond thought, creates in us. The thing that can't truly be explained to someone who doesn't feel similarly, even if rationally one can give another the flavor of it.
One can take a vacation from it. And for many that is often a necessary thing. One can . . . be "less" intense in it, from time to time. One can even leave it behind, and heaven knows there are times when that might seem appealing to many. But one can't leave it behind without leaving behind a part of one's self that, in the end, needs to be there.
"I wanted only to try to live my life in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult?" -Hermann Hesse, "Damien"
It's a Wonderful Life
Wow, almost a week since I last posted.
Nothing's wrong, per se . . . My wrist is still bothering Me a bit so I've been trying to eliminate some of the "extra" typing. In addition to that there haven't been a wealth of topics that I've felt strongly enough about to post on.
So it's a good time to talk about life stuff.
Which, I'd sad to say, is singularly unexciting. I do get envious at times, reading some blogs: "Wow, what a night! The plane from Monaco landed, and I went directly to the play party at Chez Flogger, then to the after-play play party at M's dungeon, and rolled in around 4AM barely remembering my own name. Woke up at noon still surrounded by 12 horny subs so started all over again . . . "
I don't even care if a lot of it's made-up. It's fun to read about!
Alas, that's not My life. . . . Mine is more like: "Sat in traffic for 40 minutes on the way home from work. Was too tired to think about cooking so stopped at KFC to grab some dinner. I think My left rear tire pressure is a little low. The person in line in front of Me smelled faintly of diesel fuel."
And so it goes. Work is good, if pretty hectic these days. The girls are wonderful, as always; My only issue there is that I never feel I have enough time to spend with them, collectively, and especially individually. As often happens in the Northeast, we seem to have gone from proto-spring directly into summer -- it's hot here. But I'm not complaining; when it was February I couldn't wait for May.
Hope everyone's doing well and at peace with things, both the good and the not-so-good. Everything, (like not having much of import to blog about) happens for a reason.
More soon. Kisses and hugs to all the usual suspects.
Communication: Mis-, and Otherwise
Was reading rivka's latest post and in it she talks about going through a period with her Master lately where miscommuncation seems rampant, constant. I know how that is; I think everyone who's ever been in any D/s relationship knows how it is, and understands how frustrating and painful it can be.
I do wish I had the magic answer, for My own sake as much as for everyone else's. But of course there is none; since miscommunication results from an errenous assumption on one or both parts it's almost impossible to know about beforehand. The erreneous assumptions only come to light (usually) after there's been a blow-up. In the eventually calm discussion that follows, finally both parties understand that what they thought was not what was being said/understood.
So no magic answer. But a few observations:
1. I personally put more onus on the Dominant in making sure that there are no miscommuncations. Since the Dominant controls the agenda, S/he the greater opportunity and responsibility for avoiding errors in understanding.
2. Both parties have to shed any lazy thought process and be sure that they have not only thought "what if?" but have voiced it, and heard and understood the reply. Assumptions typcially are an enticing mental shortcut. I takes a measure of discipline and training on both parts to avoid filling in the blanks prematurely.
3. rivka asked, "Would a good sub/slave never question her Master's motives?" I'd phrase it another way. Motives? No. If you are questioining the Dom/me's motives, then you are probably with the wrong Dom/me. The submissive however, can and should ask about behavior, actions, strategy, and tactics. But the converse is that the Dom/me should recognize when the questions are of a nature concerning "mundane" things: clarifications of rules, basic expectations, etc., and be prepared to answer fully and take the time to make sure that no uncertainty remains.
4. When all else fails, one has to fall back one what one knows of the O/other. If something seems uncharactertic of the person, it's almost always a case of corssed signals somewhere. Stop. Breathe. Remember that. And start the calm conversation before the blow-up.
I do wish I had the magic answer, for My own sake as much as for everyone else's. But of course there is none; since miscommunication results from an errenous assumption on one or both parts it's almost impossible to know about beforehand. The erreneous assumptions only come to light (usually) after there's been a blow-up. In the eventually calm discussion that follows, finally both parties understand that what they thought was not what was being said/understood.
So no magic answer. But a few observations:
1. I personally put more onus on the Dominant in making sure that there are no miscommuncations. Since the Dominant controls the agenda, S/he the greater opportunity and responsibility for avoiding errors in understanding.
2. Both parties have to shed any lazy thought process and be sure that they have not only thought "what if?" but have voiced it, and heard and understood the reply. Assumptions typcially are an enticing mental shortcut. I takes a measure of discipline and training on both parts to avoid filling in the blanks prematurely.
3. rivka asked, "Would a good sub/slave never question her Master's motives?" I'd phrase it another way. Motives? No. If you are questioining the Dom/me's motives, then you are probably with the wrong Dom/me. The submissive however, can and should ask about behavior, actions, strategy, and tactics. But the converse is that the Dom/me should
4. When all else fails, one has to fall back one what one knows of the O/other. If something seems uncharactertic of the person, it's almost always a case of corssed signals somewhere. Stop. Breathe. Remember that. And start the calm conversation before the blow-up.
Odds and ends
No pressing topic to post on today.
1. New link: Designing Intimacy.
2. Comment moderation. I haven't wanted to turn this on -- I know how much I hate typing those dumb letters in -- but this morning there 38 new comments on various posts here, all of them apparently auto-generated. I haven't deleted them becasue they were all positive LOL. But I will have to turn on moderation if it continues to happen.
1. New link: Designing Intimacy.
2. Comment moderation. I haven't wanted to turn this on -- I know how much I hate typing those dumb letters in -- but this morning there 38 new comments on various posts here, all of them apparently auto-generated. I haven't deleted them becasue they were all positive LOL. But I will have to turn on moderation if it continues to happen.
Feeling . . . Great
Moods. I get them. I don't write about them a lot. But I'm as moody as the next Domme. Well, maybe not that moody but you get the idea.It so happens that today I'm in a great mood. I feel, well . . . like Me. I sometimes forget to stop and realize that's a great way to feel.
Time to go enjoy said wonderful mood.
It's All Bouncing Around in There, Somewhere
I was just reading a blog and the girl who writes it talks about messing up a task she was given to perform. (I won't say which blog/post, as I normally would, as it's My policy not to offer a direct opinion on how Another handles His or Her subs unless asked (especially when I am possessed of lmited informatoin), and My comments here could be constued as doing that if I identified the parties I was referring to. The blog post in question is simply a jumping-off point for Me to discuss what I feel are important themes. Whew. End of disclaimer.)
The girl in question, while feeling bad about having messed up the task, is also confused, becasue the task was couched in such terms so as to make it seemingly in contradiction to other dicta her Master had previously issued.
Of course, only reading her side of the story, it's hard to know for sure. But assuming that her rendering/understanding of events is accurate, I can see from where her confusion springs. Essentially, she found herself in a place where performing the task, as she understood it in the light of her Master's statements, would put her in conflict with a preciously-stated wish/order of His.
And this points up a sometihng that happens often. As Dominants, We sometimes lose sight of the fact that by and large submissives remember everything We tell them. Even when We might not think they are listening, even when We think, or even know, that the totality of a given lesosn hasn't been absorbed, at the very least, in My experience, the words have at least been heard. And they are stored away in there somewhere. And while that is overall a good and desireable thing, it can bring to light unintended contradictions when more words are added to the mass as time goes on.
It reminds Me of a boss I use to have. When busniess was good, he would say things like "errors of action are better than errors of inaction," "make something happen," etc. When business was bad, he would say things like "you're not paid to think," and the like. I often found Myself almost completely paralyzed in that job, not knowing whether a trip to his office was going to be a pat on the back for taking the bull by the horns or a ream-out for overstepping My authority. (LOL as if MY authority could be "overstepped!" Ha!)
It happens all the time in D/s. We impart boatloads of information to our submismsives, both by what We say, how We say it, when We say it, etc. And it's all getting recorded, with varying degress of accuracy over time. And the submissive will attempt to act/follow based on the totality of what s/he's heard/absorbed. If the totality of all that is a mish-mash of apparently contradictory things, the submissive is going to be unhappy, the Dom/me is going to be unhappy, and there's going to be a lot of punishments handed out with not much real improvement seen.
So we're back to the three C's: Consistency, Communcation, and Care.
Consistency: The Dom/me's message and bearing should be as consistent as humanly possible. Know what Your way is, and work hard to articulate it clearly. Don't punish in anger; be Master/Mistress of Your own emotions first. Examine Your own statements and actions against the standard of consistency.
Communication: As clear as One might think One is being, the opprotunities for misunderstanding, especially in something as emotionally encomapssing as D/s, and laden with potenitally difficult concepts, are everywhere. Be on the lookout for all of these. And comunication obviously goes both ways -- it's important for the Dom/me to make sure that the submissive feels comfortable bringing things to Him or Her. Which is all about --
Care: A submissive is not a machine. s/he needs to be able to struggle, even to fail, and know that in the end it can be all right. Only the Dom/me can give the submissive that calm certainity of knowing it can be all right, that the journey proceeds with destination unchanged regardless of the occaisional sidestep or stumble.
The girl in question, while feeling bad about having messed up the task, is also confused, becasue the task was couched in such terms so as to make it seemingly in contradiction to other dicta her Master had previously issued.
Of course, only reading her side of the story, it's hard to know for sure. But assuming that her rendering/understanding of events is accurate, I can see from where her confusion springs. Essentially, she found herself in a place where performing the task, as she understood it in the light of her Master's statements, would put her in conflict with a preciously-stated wish/order of His.
And this points up a sometihng that happens often. As Dominants, We sometimes lose sight of the fact that by and large submissives remember everything We tell them. Even when We might not think they are listening, even when We think, or even know, that the totality of a given lesosn hasn't been absorbed, at the very least, in My experience, the words have at least been heard. And they are stored away in there somewhere. And while that is overall a good and desireable thing, it can bring to light unintended contradictions when more words are added to the mass as time goes on.
It reminds Me of a boss I use to have. When busniess was good, he would say things like "errors of action are better than errors of inaction," "make something happen," etc. When business was bad, he would say things like "you're not paid to think," and the like. I often found Myself almost completely paralyzed in that job, not knowing whether a trip to his office was going to be a pat on the back for taking the bull by the horns or a ream-out for overstepping My authority. (LOL as if MY authority could be "overstepped!" Ha!)
It happens all the time in D/s. We impart boatloads of information to our submismsives, both by what We say, how We say it, when We say it, etc. And it's all getting recorded, with varying degress of accuracy over time. And the submissive will attempt to act/follow based on the totality of what s/he's heard/absorbed. If the totality of all that is a mish-mash of apparently contradictory things, the submissive is going to be unhappy, the Dom/me is going to be unhappy, and there's going to be a lot of punishments handed out with not much real improvement seen.
So we're back to the three C's: Consistency, Communcation, and Care.
Consistency: The Dom/me's message and bearing should be as consistent as humanly possible. Know what Your way is, and work hard to articulate it clearly. Don't punish in anger; be Master/Mistress of Your own emotions first. Examine Your own statements and actions against the standard of consistency.
Communication: As clear as One might think One is being, the opprotunities for misunderstanding, especially in something as emotionally encomapssing as D/s, and laden with potenitally difficult concepts, are everywhere. Be on the lookout for all of these. And comunication obviously goes both ways -- it's important for the Dom/me to make sure that the submissive feels comfortable bringing things to Him or Her. Which is all about --
Care: A submissive is not a machine. s/he needs to be able to struggle, even to fail, and know that in the end it can be all right. Only the Dom/me can give the submissive that calm certainity of knowing it can be all right, that the journey proceeds with destination unchanged regardless of the occaisional sidestep or stumble.
More fun with sitemeter
The javascript version of sitemeter gives one all sorts of fun information about visitors to the blog.
One thing it does it show what people searched on to reach the blog if they came from a search page. Most of the time people who end up here by searching have entered a search term such as "submissive," "slave," etc.
Today, some unfortunate soul was obviously looking for recipe ideas and searched on "pot roast" and ended up here (thanks to a recent post of Mine entitled "You Can't Rush the Pot Roast"). Now, that post I like to think had some helpful information in it, but had nothing to do with pot roast, per se. Apologies to the "pot roast" searcher.
Another thing that sitemeter tells Me is what browser people use to access these pages. Those numbers are a bit interesting:
IE has about 73% of the traffic, Firefox about 18%. Nothing too surprising there, but I was shocked to see that 3% of the traffic comes from people still using Netscape. Who knew there was still even a Netscape browser?
Sitemeter also lets me know what operating system people use. The thing that struck Me there is that there Windows 98 still has a 4% share and the ultra-crappy Windows ME still has 2%. If those numbers are close to an accurate sampling of people's PCs out there, Microsoft is leaving a lot of money on the table. And a surprising (to Me) showing by Windows 2000 with 11%.
Geographically, 60% of My traffic comes from the US, 18% from the UK, 7% from Canada. Italy has 3%, the Netherlands andNorway, 2% each. Ireland, Indonesia, France, Spain, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium, Korea, and Indonesia 1% each.
New Link: Madeline in the Mirror. Worth checking out.
I admit there is a perverse glee in looking at the sitemeter results and finding a site linked to Mine that I didn't know about previously.
Happy weekend to all.
Crossed Signals
saratoga wrote about "context" in his most recent post. In this real-time Turkish bazaar of ideas, people are constantly opining, replying, dashing off compliments and bombs and every manner of verbal expression at a dizzying pace. Signals routinely get crossed; I'm haggling over the price of the brass elephant, but you're extolling the virtues of the Taj Mahal snow-gobe.
One would think that in real life it would be easier. But life, much as My cell phone company would like to disagree in their promos, is still basically "analog" when it comes to person on person.
So while the number of signals in real life can be less than here in networld, the richness (i. e., complexity) of them is proportionally greater. Thus the opportunities for crossed signals are just as great, and unfortunately, the implications are more serious since the stakes are generally much higher.
And in D/s, which in previous posts I've called a magnifying glass, the stakes are high indeed.
Both in saratoga's post (and in freya's reply to a post of Mine) an important idea is touched upon. Namely, that while we all somehow expect and understand that the submissive does not go into things fully formed, we often don't allow for the possibility that the Dom/me, as well, doesn't necessarily have everything figured out ahead of time.
This is a tricky area. The question naturally arises, "well, why should i submit to someone if they don't have it all figured out?" And it's a reasonable question, if we're talking about true submission, i. e., surrender. What the submissive gives up is real and valuable. Part of the joy of submission is the quiet constant certainty that the driver knows the way, as it were. Conversely, there is a haunting but very real feeling of dread that's created when one feels as though the driver really doesn't know the way, or even the destination.
The answer to Me lies in understanding that the Dominant should have a strategy. What the Dom/me will not necessarily have at every moment is the exact tactical steps that will be taken to achieve said strategy. It's a crucial difference. I call this the "process and details" thing. The Dom/me has a process. S/he articulates it, or parts of it, in line with His or Her wishes and the bent of His or Ner nature. But in any case the process is firmly fixed in mind. It is essentially immutable, since it expresses what the Dom/me wants, in some "ultimate" way. It is the refined vision of His or Her dominance, of what S/He wants in a submissive.
The details though are subject to adjustment based on a large number of variables. The good Dom/me is flexible, knowing that flexibiliy is stregnth, not weakness. There are always many ways to advance the process. At times, even the best Dom/me will have to try several or many different things until something works. S/he must be prepared to sometimes explain this, to admit mistakes, etc. It's tedious, often boring, sometimes even painful. But necessary.
The point being that while the submissive should expect his or her Owner to know the destination, s/he shouldn't expect Him or Her to know the name, population, and founding date of every little town on the route.
Once again, it's lame and boring to say, but it's true: More communication means less crossed signals.
One would think that in real life it would be easier. But life, much as My cell phone company would like to disagree in their promos, is still basically "analog" when it comes to person on person.
So while the number of signals in real life can be less than here in networld, the richness (i. e., complexity) of them is proportionally greater. Thus the opportunities for crossed signals are just as great, and unfortunately, the implications are more serious since the stakes are generally much higher.
And in D/s, which in previous posts I've called a magnifying glass, the stakes are high indeed.
Both in saratoga's post (and in freya's reply to a post of Mine) an important idea is touched upon. Namely, that while we all somehow expect and understand that the submissive does not go into things fully formed, we often don't allow for the possibility that the Dom/me, as well, doesn't necessarily have everything figured out ahead of time.
This is a tricky area. The question naturally arises, "well, why should i submit to someone if they don't have it all figured out?" And it's a reasonable question, if we're talking about true submission, i. e., surrender. What the submissive gives up is real and valuable. Part of the joy of submission is the quiet constant certainty that the driver knows the way, as it were. Conversely, there is a haunting but very real feeling of dread that's created when one feels as though the driver really doesn't know the way, or even the destination.
The answer to Me lies in understanding that the Dominant should have a strategy. What the Dom/me will not necessarily have at every moment is the exact tactical steps that will be taken to achieve said strategy. It's a crucial difference. I call this the "process and details" thing. The Dom/me has a process. S/he articulates it, or parts of it, in line with His or Her wishes and the bent of His or Ner nature. But in any case the process is firmly fixed in mind. It is essentially immutable, since it expresses what the Dom/me wants, in some "ultimate" way. It is the refined vision of His or Her dominance, of what S/He wants in a submissive.
The details though are subject to adjustment based on a large number of variables. The good Dom/me is flexible, knowing that flexibiliy is stregnth, not weakness. There are always many ways to advance the process. At times, even the best Dom/me will have to try several or many different things until something works. S/he must be prepared to sometimes explain this, to admit mistakes, etc. It's tedious, often boring, sometimes even painful. But necessary.
The point being that while the submissive should expect his or her Owner to know the destination, s/he shouldn't expect Him or Her to know the name, population, and founding date of every little town on the route.
Once again, it's lame and boring to say, but it's true: More communication means less crossed signals.
Stop Me Before I Think Again!
freya commented on My most recent post (that was inspired by a recent post of hers) that she "tends to overthink things."
It's an area where many submissives get hung up. The temptation is overwhleming at times -- D/s brings things out in a person that make the mind reel. But when the reeling subsides one's left with a huge load of stuff that one feels compelled to analyze.
And the smarter, the more thoughtful one is, the greater the temptation and the more involved and consuming the thinking/analyzing often become.
This isn't all bad of course. A certain amount of analysis/introspection is necessary; we can't learn certain things and correct certain mistakes without it. But introspection is like Vitamin A -- necessary for proper functioning but toxic in overly large doses.
What I've observed is this:
1. Excessive introspection thrives in a vacuum. We have a need to fill that space. And in this is the Dominant's role is key -- by communicating, actually often overcommunicating, the Dom/me can help the submissive stay focused on experiencing and doing what s/he knows to be right as opposed to dwelling on what-ifs, abstractions, and perceived issues.
2. Minimize the negative. When you do wrong, admit it to yourself, but don't wallow in that knowledge. For whatever reason, human beings seem programmed to more readily accept negative things about ourselves than positive or even neutral ones. If we could look at both compliments and slights, from without and from within as being equal, in that they are both simply things that are trying to stick to us, then perhaps they'd have an equal chance of doing so and a result we'd be a much more emotionally balanced and ultimately happy race.
3. Stop. Breathe. So often we race to the place of comfort inside. By "comfort" I mean the patterns of self-perception that's we've developed over a lifetime. A little pause. the proverbial counting to 10, works wonders. In that moment, there is the chance that the reality of statement #2 above can seep in a little bit. And as with everything, it can become a habit, just as one's usual way of reacting/processing has become.
4. Engage the mind and body in other things. Not just at the moment of pain/anger, but as an ongoing thing integrated into one's life. It doesn't matter what it is. Exercise, finger painting, Sodoku puzzles, reading a complicated essay, anything that is consuming will do. Mix them up if need be so that you stay interested/engaged. Use it break a mold. Be different from the "you" you're used to, simply by doing something on a regular basis you don't normally do. you may find that that "you" isn't so compelled to endlessly dwell on things.
5. "Render to Caesar . . . " There's a lot of things that one's Master/Mistress should deal with. Give those up, eagerly, joyfully. Dump them in His or Her lap, where they belong. And let them stay there.
6. When in doubt, simplify. Serve. Please. Obey. Refocus on performing the simplest tasks absolutely perfectly. The peaceful moments created by being able to do that are of more value than a mountain of introspection.
It's an area where many submissives get hung up. The temptation is overwhleming at times -- D/s brings things out in a person that make the mind reel. But when the reeling subsides one's left with a huge load of stuff that one feels compelled to analyze.
And the smarter, the more thoughtful one is, the greater the temptation and the more involved and consuming the thinking/analyzing often become.
This isn't all bad of course. A certain amount of analysis/introspection is necessary; we can't learn certain things and correct certain mistakes without it. But introspection is like Vitamin A -- necessary for proper functioning but toxic in overly large doses.
What I've observed is this:
1. Excessive introspection thrives in a vacuum. We have a need to fill that space. And in this is the Dominant's role is key -- by communicating, actually often overcommunicating, the Dom/me can help the submissive stay focused on experiencing and doing what s/he knows to be right as opposed to dwelling on what-ifs, abstractions, and perceived issues.
2. Minimize the negative. When you do wrong, admit it to yourself, but don't wallow in that knowledge. For whatever reason, human beings seem programmed to more readily accept negative things about ourselves than positive or even neutral ones. If we could look at both compliments and slights, from without and from within as being equal, in that they are both simply things that are trying to stick to us, then perhaps they'd have an equal chance of doing so and a result we'd be a much more emotionally balanced and ultimately happy race.
3. Stop. Breathe. So often we race to the place of comfort inside. By "comfort" I mean the patterns of self-perception that's we've developed over a lifetime. A little pause. the proverbial counting to 10, works wonders. In that moment, there is the chance that the reality of statement #2 above can seep in a little bit. And as with everything, it can become a habit, just as one's usual way of reacting/processing has become.
4. Engage the mind and body in other things. Not just at the moment of pain/anger, but as an ongoing thing integrated into one's life. It doesn't matter what it is. Exercise, finger painting, Sodoku puzzles, reading a complicated essay, anything that is consuming will do. Mix them up if need be so that you stay interested/engaged. Use it break a mold. Be different from the "you" you're used to, simply by doing something on a regular basis you don't normally do. you may find that that "you" isn't so compelled to endlessly dwell on things.
5. "Render to Caesar . . . " There's a lot of things that one's Master/Mistress should deal with. Give those up, eagerly, joyfully. Dump them in His or Her lap, where they belong. And let them stay there.
6. When in doubt, simplify. Serve. Please. Obey. Refocus on performing the simplest tasks absolutely perfectly. The peaceful moments created by being able to do that are of more value than a mountain of introspection.
You Can't Rush the Pot Roast
The following paragraph ends a recent post on freya's excellent blog:
"Later as he's fucking me, I simply let go. I say whatever comes up and bubbles from my throat. I feel what comes to me. I let go of context and let myself be. Funny that it took so long to find liberation in submission."
freya's last line stuck with Me. I've written before about how I see that submissoin is ultimately, and, (potentially) completely liberating.
And it does "take so long." It shouldn't be peculiar that it takes so long. But we are a results-oriented lot, and as such there's a tendancy to view everything but the perfect desired end result as inadequate, somehow empty, wrong.
Of course it just isn't so. We all move, in Dominance or submission, in response to a million variables and stimuli. The side-steps, the back steps, and even the running from the room screaming are all natural responses and arguably normal responses. And we end up where we end up, when we're supposed to end up there. And, very importantly, our understanding of "there" changes with time and experience.
I often say to My girls that submission is liberatiing, and I've said it maybe 1,832 times. When I said it the first time, they understood it. When I said it 10 months ago, they understood it, but in a totally different, deeper way. When I say it today, their understanding is deeper still. That rich understanding couldn't have happened two years ago, or last August, or three weeks ago. It's a function of the totality of time and process and their constant devoted efforts to understand. They are exactly where they should be in their understanding because they are where they have to be. It's sort of like an old axiom of project management: you can't have a baby in one month by recruiting nine women. There is no short route to the long haul.
Where I think many submissives (and their Owners) go wrong is in glossing over or even lamenting that fact rather than celebrating it. Again, I'm hammering on a favorite theme here, but it's so important: Focus on the process and the product will take care of itself. It happens so slowly, if done right, that one barely notices until one has the moment when something sparks us to look back, and the distance travelled is suddenly, readily apparent. Savor the process, the time invested, the way one savors the magic of pot roast: Time and some care transform a tough piece of meat in something magically flavorful and tender. And while the transformation and the final flavor are remarkable, one shouldn't overlook the wonderful aroma that slowly builds and permeates the house for hours while it's cooking and fires our hunger slowly, inexorably.
It takes a long time. And how wonderful it is that it does.
"Later as he's fucking me, I simply let go. I say whatever comes up and bubbles from my throat. I feel what comes to me. I let go of context and let myself be. Funny that it took so long to find liberation in submission."
freya's last line stuck with Me. I've written before about how I see that submissoin is ultimately, and, (potentially) completely liberating.
And it does "take so long." It shouldn't be peculiar that it takes so long. But we are a results-oriented lot, and as such there's a tendancy to view everything but the perfect desired end result as inadequate, somehow empty, wrong.
Of course it just isn't so. We all move, in Dominance or submission, in response to a million variables and stimuli. The side-steps, the back steps, and even the running from the room screaming are all natural responses and arguably normal responses. And we end up where we end up, when we're supposed to end up there. And, very importantly, our understanding of "there" changes with time and experience.
I often say to My girls that submission is liberatiing, and I've said it maybe 1,832 times. When I said it the first time, they understood it. When I said it 10 months ago, they understood it, but in a totally different, deeper way. When I say it today, their understanding is deeper still. That rich understanding couldn't have happened two years ago, or last August, or three weeks ago. It's a function of the totality of time and process and their constant devoted efforts to understand. They are exactly where they should be in their understanding because they are where they have to be. It's sort of like an old axiom of project management: you can't have a baby in one month by recruiting nine women. There is no short route to the long haul.
Where I think many submissives (and their Owners) go wrong is in glossing over or even lamenting that fact rather than celebrating it. Again, I'm hammering on a favorite theme here, but it's so important: Focus on the process and the product will take care of itself. It happens so slowly, if done right, that one barely notices until one has the moment when something sparks us to look back, and the distance travelled is suddenly, readily apparent. Savor the process, the time invested, the way one savors the magic of pot roast: Time and some care transform a tough piece of meat in something magically flavorful and tender. And while the transformation and the final flavor are remarkable, one shouldn't overlook the wonderful aroma that slowly builds and permeates the house for hours while it's cooking and fires our hunger slowly, inexorably.
It takes a long time. And how wonderful it is that it does.
Look What I Found Under the Seat Cushions!
I recently changed from the regular version of sitemeter to the javascript version. What I discovered, among other things, is a few sites that link to Mine that I didn't know about. Since I'm of the conviction that one good link deserves another, I've added them to My link list (over there ----> on the sidebar).
If you are linked to Me, and I'm not linked to you, let Me know via a comment or an e-mail and I'll return the favor (commercial sites excepted). I try to pick up all the links from sitemeter hits but I might have missed some, or no one's come here yet from your link to Me. Thanks.
Surrender
Her, of the blog Pussy Worship, recently posted a comment on this post from saratoga's blog. In part, Her wrote:
"On the surface, asking someone to submit to you is utterly ridiculous. I mean, in no walk of life can I expect someone, at all times, to serve me and my needs. The request itself is the most disrespectful thing I can do to a person I love.
UNLESS
He wants it too. There's the rub, the sticky wicket so to speak. I fall back again and again in the trap of doubt. Does he really want this? This is not pet, but my own doubts rather than anything he does. What if he gets hurt because he only thinks he wants it? What if he is only wanting this to make me happy? And isn't that the same thing."
This encapsulates what many will feel when D/s moves into a relationship context, when love (or strong affection) is involved.
1. In life, we all "submit." When you stop at a stop sign, you are submitting to the authority of the state (and to common sense). We submit to the IRS, our bosses, etc. But those with a submissive nature don't just "submit," they surrender. (Ideally.) There is a depth, a richness, to surrender that is far beyond simply submitting. Consider the "player" type sub who goes to an S&M club solo, hoping to get flogged or peed on or made to wear his underwear on his head or whatever. He is "submitting" in a sense but there is no surrender there, no giving up of anything essential or long-lasting.
2. In a committed D/s relationship, if the parties want more than the thrill of kinky sex, submission must evolve into surrender. And surrender is inherently different, becasue it cuts across the "what the sub wants" stuff. If s/he wants to surrender, worries over specific activities largely disappear, and with them should also disappear the doubts of the Dominant about where s/he "wants this."
3. What if s/he only thinks she watns it? OK, I'll allow that that can happen. I have known submissives who want to submit but not really surrender. Sometimes they overreach, but they only do that once, and quickly find their proper niche. I don't think that a submissive in a committed relationship is going to very often be thinking s/he wanted something but really doesn't unless the Dom/me in question loses His or Her mind or has been intentionally deceptive about His or Her intentions all along.
4. I've written before about love in D/s, and how it can complicate things at times. Certain emotions will always assert themselves. There is no real Dom/me who doesn't sometimes worry, or have concerns, etc. And while overthinking for a submissive can be bad, for a Dominant it can be absolutely deadly. What most submissives want, particualry those who have surrendered, more than anything, is to feel the will, the desires, of the Other. Strongly. Of course everyone has their little fetishes, unique turn-ons, etc. And playing on those will often produce perhaps a momentarily stronger reaction than some other things might. But in the end, the exciting part of it isn't the red scarf or the pearls or the boots or the moose leather flogger (assuming we're not talking about a clincial fetishist, who typically is not "submissive at all and never "surrenders" in the sense I'm talking about here), it's the thrill of not knowing, then experiencing, what the Other will do, how S/He will mold the submissive's wants and needs and desires, how S/He will make the submissive feel His or Her power and control.
So we end up resolving Her's paradox with another paradox: The less you obsess over how much the submissive "wants this," the more the submissive "wants this."
And, really . . . how cool is that, for B/both?
"On the surface, asking someone to submit to you is utterly ridiculous. I mean, in no walk of life can I expect someone, at all times, to serve me and my needs. The request itself is the most disrespectful thing I can do to a person I love.
UNLESS
He wants it too. There's the rub, the sticky wicket so to speak. I fall back again and again in the trap of doubt. Does he really want this? This is not pet, but my own doubts rather than anything he does. What if he gets hurt because he only thinks he wants it? What if he is only wanting this to make me happy? And isn't that the same thing."
This encapsulates what many will feel when D/s moves into a relationship context, when love (or strong affection) is involved.
1. In life, we all "submit." When you stop at a stop sign, you are submitting to the authority of the state (and to common sense). We submit to the IRS, our bosses, etc. But those with a submissive nature don't just "submit," they surrender. (Ideally.) There is a depth, a richness, to surrender that is far beyond simply submitting. Consider the "player" type sub who goes to an S&M club solo, hoping to get flogged or peed on or made to wear his underwear on his head or whatever. He is "submitting" in a sense but there is no surrender there, no giving up of anything essential or long-lasting.
2. In a committed D/s relationship, if the parties want more than the thrill of kinky sex, submission must evolve into surrender. And surrender is inherently different, becasue it cuts across the "what the sub wants" stuff. If s/he wants to surrender, worries over specific activities largely disappear, and with them should also disappear the doubts of the Dominant about where s/he "wants this."
3. What if s/he only thinks she watns it? OK, I'll allow that that can happen. I have known submissives who want to submit but not really surrender. Sometimes they overreach, but they only do that once, and quickly find their proper niche. I don't think that a submissive in a committed relationship is going to very often be thinking s/he wanted something but really doesn't unless the Dom/me in question loses His or Her mind or has been intentionally deceptive about His or Her intentions all along.
4. I've written before about love in D/s, and how it can complicate things at times. Certain emotions will always assert themselves. There is no real Dom/me who doesn't sometimes worry, or have concerns, etc. And while overthinking for a submissive can be bad, for a Dominant it can be absolutely deadly. What most submissives want, particualry those who have surrendered, more than anything, is to feel the will, the desires, of the Other. Strongly. Of course everyone has their little fetishes, unique turn-ons, etc. And playing on those will often produce perhaps a momentarily stronger reaction than some other things might. But in the end, the exciting part of it isn't the red scarf or the pearls or the boots or the moose leather flogger (assuming we're not talking about a clincial fetishist, who typically is not "submissive at all and never "surrenders" in the sense I'm talking about here), it's the thrill of not knowing, then experiencing, what the Other will do, how S/He will mold the submissive's wants and needs and desires, how S/He will make the submissive feel His or Her power and control.
So we end up resolving Her's paradox with another paradox: The less you obsess over how much the submissive "wants this," the more the submissive "wants this."
And, really . . . how cool is that, for B/both?
How good do you have to be?
I was talking with a submissive last night and he related an incident with a former Domme of his.
The details aren't overly important; suffice it to say that She said something to him that hit him wrong; that came off, to him, as well, not very Domme-like.
I suggested to him that that might have been an opportunity to grow in his submission, in that there were multiple ways Her comment could've been taken, and searching for those multiple ways could be seen in and of itself as an exercise in submission.
And that got Me to thinking: How good does a submissive have to be? Should s/he be better than his or her Master/Mistress?
Meaning . . . since none of use are perfect, in any D/s relationship that encompasses more than random intermittent play there are going to be missteps. It's easy for a submissive to slip into thinking that the Other is omniscient, and more or less infallible. But, My favorite phrase -- stuff happens. And what's the submissive's obligation there?
I'm of two minds about it. I do like to think that there is, within the multi-flavored world of D/s, a certain absolute standard. Some few things that are aximoatic in this lifestyle. So any submissive should at the very least be focused on and stay true to those axioms regardless of his or her Owner's occaisional mistakes. The end result of that might be a submissive being "better" than his or her Owner actually needs him or her to be.
Then there is the inevitable "but." Namely, that what matters most for the submissive should be conforming to his or her Owner's wishes. And if that's the absoslute "absolute," then the logical consequence of that is that a submissive only has to be as good as his or her Owner requires.
Well, I hate being of two minds about anything for long, so I come down on the side of the first approach. While the submissve obviously needs to be motivated by what his or her Owner desires/requires, s/he also has to have an inner voice that fuels submission, a voice that guides the submissive even when the Other has a little mental vacation (or is physically unavailable, etc.).
This (as everything seems to) rounds Me back to a few of my favorite themes:
1. Communication. This is an isue that needs to be discussed frequently. When the submissive isn't sure about how to proceed, it's almost always because of a lack of clearly-expressed guidance from the Other. The submissive also needs to know that s/he can take this kind of issue to the Other and know what it won't be perceived as a challenge, or a criticism of the Other's leadership.
2. The humility of the Dom/me. For a lot of Dom/mes, the words "I fucked up" are very difficult to say. Even when both parties know that's what happened. Being able to express that, and hopefully explain it, eases the sitaution and makes the Dom/me stronger, not weaker. And makes the Dom/me easier for the submissive to follow and learn from.
3. Not everything that happens to a submissive is about the submissive. When the Other makes a misstep, it's not necessarily becasue S/he is a weak Dom/me, or doesn't care, or doesn't really know the submissive after all this time. A million things at in play in our minds and hearts all the time; We want to think We're omniscient and infallible, trust Me . . . but it just ain't so. And there are 1,000 reasons why the wrong note gets hit from time to time. Precious few of them are sinister or relationship-threatening. It's healthy to take a pause and remember that.
So, how good do you have to be? As good as you know you should be, regardless of whether you're being actively "watched" or not. And good enough to realize that your Owner needs to know that it's something you struggle with, if you do.
The details aren't overly important; suffice it to say that She said something to him that hit him wrong; that came off, to him, as well, not very Domme-like.
I suggested to him that that might have been an opportunity to grow in his submission, in that there were multiple ways Her comment could've been taken, and searching for those multiple ways could be seen in and of itself as an exercise in submission.
And that got Me to thinking: How good does a submissive have to be? Should s/he be better than his or her Master/Mistress?
Meaning . . . since none of use are perfect, in any D/s relationship that encompasses more than random intermittent play there are going to be missteps. It's easy for a submissive to slip into thinking that the Other is omniscient, and more or less infallible. But, My favorite phrase -- stuff happens. And what's the submissive's obligation there?
I'm of two minds about it. I do like to think that there is, within the multi-flavored world of D/s, a certain absolute standard. Some few things that are aximoatic in this lifestyle. So any submissive should at the very least be focused on and stay true to those axioms regardless of his or her Owner's occaisional mistakes. The end result of that might be a submissive being "better" than his or her Owner actually needs him or her to be.
Then there is the inevitable "but." Namely, that what matters most for the submissive should be conforming to his or her Owner's wishes. And if that's the absoslute "absolute," then the logical consequence of that is that a submissive only has to be as good as his or her Owner requires.
Well, I hate being of two minds about anything for long, so I come down on the side of the first approach. While the submissve obviously needs to be motivated by what his or her Owner desires/requires, s/he also has to have an inner voice that fuels submission, a voice that guides the submissive even when the Other has a little mental vacation (or is physically unavailable, etc.).
This (as everything seems to) rounds Me back to a few of my favorite themes:
1. Communication. This is an isue that needs to be discussed frequently. When the submissive isn't sure about how to proceed, it's almost always because of a lack of clearly-expressed guidance from the Other. The submissive also needs to know that s/he can take this kind of issue to the Other and know what it won't be perceived as a challenge, or a criticism of the Other's leadership.
2. The humility of the Dom/me. For a lot of Dom/mes, the words "I fucked up" are very difficult to say. Even when both parties know that's what happened. Being able to express that, and hopefully explain it, eases the sitaution and makes the Dom/me stronger, not weaker. And makes the Dom/me easier for the submissive to follow and learn from.
3. Not everything that happens to a submissive is about the submissive. When the Other makes a misstep, it's not necessarily becasue S/he is a weak Dom/me, or doesn't care, or doesn't really know the submissive after all this time. A million things at in play in our minds and hearts all the time; We want to think We're omniscient and infallible, trust Me . . . but it just ain't so. And there are 1,000 reasons why the wrong note gets hit from time to time. Precious few of them are sinister or relationship-threatening. It's healthy to take a pause and remember that.
So, how good do you have to be? As good as you know you should be, regardless of whether you're being actively "watched" or not. And good enough to realize that your Owner needs to know that it's something you struggle with, if you do.
Tipping the scales a bit.
The blog's been a little "out of balance" lately, in the sense that I strive for a mix of the "theoretical" and various and sundry stuff about day to day life, what I'm going through, etc. Lately the scales have been tipped way towards the theoretical, mainly because once I got going on the "Fully Exploring the Known" series it was hard to break that train of thought, as the topic for Me is consuming in a way that's difficult to describe.
Anyway, swinging the scales back a little bit the other way:
I've been good, generally. Had a longish bout of sickness (a cold that seemed to hang on forever), but that's passed now and things are back to normal, health-wise. Work is crazy and demanding but vaguely fulfilling. (Quitting time on Friday is still the best part of the week, however.)
The girls are wonderful. One thing I've neglected to write here lately is how incredibly well they serve and please Me, and how lucky, how blessed I feel that they are in My life.
The room is more popular than ever, with all the good and bad that that entails. More people means more nonsense, more drama, but overall the room's popularity is a reflection of the fact that we have a very good core group of people, and that people who visit are going to find a fun, friendly, helpful place, where D/s is more than kinky sex.
I hope all are well and happy. Oh, and it's this girl's birthday! Drop by and wish her a happy one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)