Communication: Mis-, and Otherwise

Was reading rivka's latest post and in it she talks about going through a period with her Master lately where miscommuncation seems rampant, constant. I know how that is; I think everyone who's ever been in any D/s relationship knows how it is, and understands how frustrating and painful it can be.

I do wish I had the magic answer, for My own sake as much as for everyone else's. But of course there is none; since miscommunication results from an errenous assumption on one or both parts it's almost impossible to know about beforehand. The erreneous assumptions only come to light (usually) after there's been a blow-up. In the eventually calm discussion that follows, finally both parties understand that what they thought was not what was being said/understood.

So no magic answer. But a few observations:

1. I personally put more onus on the Dominant in making sure that there are no miscommuncations. Since the Dominant controls the agenda, S/he the greater opportunity and responsibility for avoiding errors in understanding.

2. Both parties have to shed any lazy thought process and be sure that they have not only thought "what if?" but have voiced it, and heard and understood the reply. Assumptions typcially are an enticing mental shortcut. I takes a measure of discipline and training on both parts to avoid filling in the blanks prematurely.

3. rivka asked, "Would a good sub/slave never question her Master's motives?" I'd phrase it another way. Motives? No. If you are questioining the Dom/me's motives, then you are probably with the wrong Dom/me. The submissive however, can and should ask about behavior, actions, strategy, and tactics. But the converse is that the Dom/me should recognize when the questions are of a nature concerning "mundane" things: clarifications of rules, basic expectations, etc., and be prepared to answer fully and take the time to make sure that no uncertainty remains.

4. When all else fails, one has to fall back one what one knows of the O/other. If something seems uncharactertic of the person, it's almost always a case of corssed signals somewhere. Stop. Breathe. Remember that. And start the calm conversation before the blow-up.