Perfection and Reassurance

The other night I ended up having essentially the same conversation with both iris and natasha, independent of each other. Tonight, I found a couple of comments on the "Struggle" post, that fit, in a way, with the subject of those parallel conversations. Not surprisingly the subject was an important one.

Perfection. And Reassurace.

I've never met a submissive who at some point didn't think/worry that s/he "wasn't good enough." For some it's a fleeting thought, brought on by the submissive's natural and intense devotion to his or her Owner. For others it's almost a syndrome . . . they're unable to move past the point of feeling "not good enough" and they return to it again and again, trapping themselves in a poisonous thought pattern and depriving the Other of all of themselves.

In talking to My girls on this subject, I set for them a simple definition of perfection.

Perfection is doing the thing you are doing at this moment perfectly. Then doing the next thing perfectly. If the thing being done is too "big" to do perfectly, break it down for yourself into small enough pieces so that each piece can be done perfectly.

I used the image that a submissive "builds" perfection . . . by creating a necklace of tiny perfect stones. When one is totally immersed in finding and placing the current stone, the issue that the necklace is infinite in length loses its debilitating force.

Perfection is not some massive plan with 15,893 steps and sub-steps. It's one thing, done perfectly. Then the next.

I find that this is the only way a submissive can approach the issue of perfection that doesn't lead to feelings of failure and depression. And for the Dominant as well, perfection approached in this way allows the Dominant to see, note, and reward progress without falling into the traps of expecting too much or settling for too little.

So where does reassurance come in?

Commenting on the "Struggle" post, this girl wrote (in part):

"Yet on one hand that (needing reassurance) seems childish, doesn't it? it is something i try to come to understand..."

And Englishman wrote in response:

"Surely this girl is missing a point here? Do not all subs need reassurance, given constantly?"

Again, this girl echoes the feeling I hear from many submissives . . . that needing reassurance is somehow evidence that the submissive is not moving fast enough, not trusting enough, that s/he is somehow missing something fundamental and important.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The endeavor to be a "perfect" submissive, even under My simplified definition, is horrendously difficult. There are going to be times when the submissive simply feels as though it's all too much, or that it's too big: The limitless nature of submission can sometimes come crashing home to a submissive with a force that can make the strongest person doubt if s/he has what it takes.

And this is where the Dominant has to be at His or Her best -- reassuring without coddling, correcting without berating, understanding without condoning -- knowing when to push a little more and when to let her just have a good cry.

Perfection requires not only the submissive to see perfection for what it truly is; it requires a Dominant to understand that as well, and to be able to remind the submissive of that.