Surrender

Her, of the blog Pussy Worship, recently posted a comment on this post from saratoga's blog. In part, Her wrote:

"On the surface, asking someone to submit to you is utterly ridiculous. I mean, in no walk of life can I expect someone, at all times, to serve me and my needs. The request itself is the most disrespectful thing I can do to a person I love.

UNLESS

He wants it too. There's the rub, the sticky wicket so to speak. I fall back again and again in the trap of doubt. Does he really want this? This is not pet, but my own doubts rather than anything he does. What if he gets hurt because he only thinks he wants it? What if he is only wanting this to make me happy? And isn't that the same thing."

This encapsulates what many will feel when D/s moves into a relationship context, when love (or strong affection) is involved.

1. In life, we all "submit." When you stop at a stop sign, you are submitting to the authority of the state (and to common sense). We submit to the IRS, our bosses, etc. But those with a submissive nature don't just "submit," they surrender. (Ideally.) There is a depth, a richness, to surrender that is far beyond simply submitting. Consider the "player" type sub who goes to an S&M club solo, hoping to get flogged or peed on or made to wear his underwear on his head or whatever. He is "submitting" in a sense but there is no surrender there, no giving up of anything essential or long-lasting.

2. In a committed D/s relationship, if the parties want more than the thrill of kinky sex, submission must evolve into surrender. And surrender is inherently different, becasue it cuts across the "what the sub wants" stuff. If s/he wants to surrender, worries over specific activities largely disappear, and with them should also disappear the doubts of the Dominant about where s/he "wants this."

3. What if s/he only thinks she watns it? OK, I'll allow that that can happen. I have known submissives who want to submit but not really surrender. Sometimes they overreach, but they only do that once, and quickly find their proper niche. I don't think that a submissive in a committed relationship is going to very often be thinking s/he wanted something but really doesn't unless the Dom/me in question loses His or Her mind or has been intentionally deceptive about His or Her intentions all along.

4. I've written before about love in D/s, and how it can complicate things at times. Certain emotions will always assert themselves. There is no real Dom/me who doesn't sometimes worry, or have concerns, etc. And while overthinking for a submissive can be bad, for a Dominant it can be absolutely deadly. What most submissives want, particualry those who have surrendered, more than anything, is to feel the will, the desires, of the Other. Strongly. Of course everyone has their little fetishes, unique turn-ons, etc. And playing on those will often produce perhaps a momentarily stronger reaction than some other things might. But in the end, the exciting part of it isn't the red scarf or the pearls or the boots or the moose leather flogger (assuming we're not talking about a clincial fetishist, who typically is not "submissive at all and never "surrenders" in the sense I'm talking about here), it's the thrill of not knowing, then experiencing, what the Other will do, how S/He will mold the submissive's wants and needs and desires, how S/He will make the submissive feel His or Her power and control.

So we end up resolving Her's paradox with another paradox: The less you obsess over how much the submissive "wants this," the more the submissive "wants this."

And, really . . . how cool is that, for B/both?