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"I am concerned not only for my husband's limits in our relationship. I must insure that I don't cross any of my own limits in trying to please him."
What I dind't go into in that post, and what Candace's comment leads Me into is the fact that for many, over time, the line can and does move. Especially in relationship D/s this is true. As well as two people might know each other, even after X years of monogomous vanilla cohabitation, delving into D/s can (but doesn't always) lead to what I'll call exponential submission. The levels of vulnerability, on the one side, and power, on the other, that can be invoked in D/s create levels of trust, of silent knowing, that aren't rationally explicable and in My experience have no even close analog in any form of vanilla interaction.
And when exponential submission is achieved, lines and limits can expand, move, change, and snap. In the case of Candace and Her husband, I have no idea what the limits might be at this point. But presumably there are some -- cuckoldry? golden play? "forced" bi? Certain levels of pain? Could be anything. But whatever those lines may currently lie, the potential exists that they won't always lie where they currently do. And moving them is something to be sought after, in the context of a loving interaction, not simply for the sake of moving them, but in pursuit of the complete expression of the deepest nature of both parties -- i.e., all of you is for all of Me, and importantly, all of Me is for all of you.
How does this happen? How does the Dom/me foster the development of exponential submission?
I see several critical factors.
1. Vision. The Dom/me knows what S/He wants -- now, and going forward. S/He may not know every single detail, S/He may not realize everyting that is possible in time, but S/He has a clear idea of where S/He wants to go, where the other is to be led.
2. Acceptance. The Dom/me accepts where the lines currently are. Not with complacency or with resignation, but with the understanding that the submissive is being subjected to a process, and that that process is open-ended, with the potential for sidesteps, missteps, and His or Her own errors along the way. In other words, the Dom/me understands that there is--
3. Time. There's too many variables in human nature and in life to be able to put changes of this magnitude on a schedule. This isn't 28-day rehab; it's a lifetime effort, where the Dom/me understands the nature of the time available, and is perceptive enough (and this is often trial and error, at times) to know when and how to push, when to ease off the accelerator a bit, etc. All within the overall context of the long-range vision, the process.
4. Understanding the submissive mindset. Time for Me to haul out a favorite old maxim of Mine: subs want to submit. In a relationship, where there is love and devotion in addition to the sexual/play aspects, the more the Dom/me wants, the more the submissive wants to give. I'd go as far as to say "the more the submissive needs to give." One of the most difficult aspects of Dominance, especially starting out, is not only grasping but internalizing and acting upon the submissive's strong desire to actually submit.
5. Communication. Perhaps the most important aspect of creating exponential submission. The Dom/me doesn't necessarily articulate every detail of the process to the submissive, doesn't have to talk about concepts like exponential submission and the like. But S/He lets the submissive know that the submissive can (and should) express all his or her fears, reservatiions, wants, needs, likes, dislikes, limits, don't-go-theres, complaints, pet peeves, etc. Not so that the Dom/me can necessarily cater to them, but so that S/He can completely understand the submissive, and so that the submissive a) gets used to giving it all up, and b) can feel the ultimate trust and safety that letting all those things go engenders. Over time, trust and devotion overcome everything else, and a dam breaks, for B/both, and a sort of perpetual motion machine of deepening submission and Dominance develops. There is no more thrilling, fulfillig thing one can feel.
14 comments:
"with the potential for sidestpes (sic), missteps, and His or Her own errors"
Elise Sutton's old web site had, under the rubric "Real Life Experiences", a report from one women about such a misstep - it led to PTSD for her husband, his loss of job and income, and his return to his parent's home. He refuses to speak to his wife. Elise Sutton opined that PTSD could be successfuly treated by a professional.
That's certainly not the sort of misstep I was talking about. An error of that magnitude goes beyond the "normal" sort of mistakes a Dom/me might make and calls into question the sanity and stability of one or both parties.
D/s can be emotionally dangerous; the way it exposes and magnifies things we often work hard to keep inside makes it so. If one or both parties is unbalanced in some way, or if the relationship has serious flaws to begin with, D/s can be a recipe for disaster.
Candace: D/s can be highly transformative and often is. But in every relationship there is a structure, and that structure is provided by the overall likes and desires of the Dominant. If You don't like "X," whatever X may be, then X simply isn't on the menu. If You like X, and X is a line/limit for Tom, then it's a matter of time, communication, etc. -- and that either moves things to a point where X is now a part of things, or the acceptance that X can't be . . . perhaps for now, perhaps for ever.
"If You don't like "X," whatever X may be, then X simply isn't on the menu"
Is there room for love in such an absolute position?
anonymous: My comment was addressing Candace's concern -- "I am concerned not only for my husband's limits in our relationship. I must insure that I don't cross any of my own limits in trying to please him."
The point being that for the Dom/me, setting lines and limits it much easier since well, the Dom/me's in charge.
As for love, it's an integral part of what I want D/s to be. If you look back through the archives you'll find numerous posts and references (as well as in the very post we're discussing) to the role of love in D/s.
The word "like" was used: "If I don't like it, then it won't be on the menu." My wife doen't like German food, even though she is German, but I do. Once and a while she cooks, or allows me to cook, something German, and I know that she does so because she loves me. (I know, I know - we're not talking about food, but the example from my own life came immediatley to mind, probably because of the word "menu")
I think you might have inadvertently hit upon a very good definition of a true submissive. The true submissive enjoys (actually enjoys, not resigns him- or herself to) catering to the Dominant's taste in food more than s/he enjoys making and eating German food.
But s/he doesn't start out at that place; s/he arrives at it over time (or doesn't, of course -- nothing's for certain in these matters). And that really is all that this post is about -- that things (can) change, and for both parties, the idea of themselves can and often does change, too.
wow. Lenora, this 'anon' guy sure gets around. sort of like a viral infection in a close community.
you'd think by now, he'd actually log in with an identity. but that might imply some positive thoughts, rather than random negative shots at a wide sprectrum of blogs.
The idea that we should eat German food comes from my wife. She asks me if I would like to have Grünkohl for dinner. I know that she prefers other foods - should I lie to her and say "No"? I prefer to tell the truth, and say "Yes, but I know you don't like Grünkohl. Perhaps we should have something else" She then says, "No, pick up the Grünkohl on your way home, and some Mettwurst,also."
Please tell me where I have erred, so that I can correct my failings and become a "true submissive"
Lenora, I often wonder if I shouldn't just write some of what you say over my bed, so I can remember :)
"he wants to submit, he wants to submit..."
Tough stuff, you challenge me and I appreciate that.
I struggle with the issues of "does he want to, or is he resigned" all the time! Despite his assurances, sometimes his own desires run deep and giving up control is so very hard, even if desired.
Sigh, I guess it is my mantra--he wants to submit, he wants to submit...
anon: I used the example about the food (I thought, in a lighthearted way) becasue it was one that you'd brought up and the analogy was more or less apt. It appears I misunderstood the German food deal in your household -- sorry; in any event My analogy, in My experience, fits.
As for the last part of your comment -- who said, or for that matter, implied that you've "erred" in some way? I certainly have no idea what "failngs" you might or might not have, and obviously I have no way of knowing whether you are a submissive at all, "true" or otherwise. And in any case I wouldn't point the failings of specific others out or comment on them here; that's not what this blog is about.
Her: Thanks. From what I read on Your blog You seem to be handling that issue and others pretty well.
Where do you see any bargaining in the dialog with my wife? Where did I say that I only like German food? I enjoy eating any of the foods which my wife enjoys eating - my taste are catholic in that area. If she decides that we are going to eat Grünkohl, I see that as a sign of her love for me. Should I say to her, as we sit down to eat,
"I'm not going to enjoy this, because I know you don't like Grünkohl"?
Perhaps my wife derives satisfaction
- or even joy - from the idea that she has performed a small sacrifice
for someone she loves. I've heard
that some mothers do things like that, and my wife is a mother.
(The kids left the house years ago.
If they were still at home, then
there would be no Grünkohl. They
dislike German food much more than
my wife does)
anon: Perhaps I was overly colloquial (or perhaps you were a shade too literal-minded, or both) . . . the word "deal" I meant in the sense of "situation," not to imply that any bargaining has taken place.
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