IRC BDSM 101

I spend a lot of time in a BDSM chatroom, and I run it. In the spirit of providing a public service, here's some helpful hints for those considering venturing into the world of BDSM on-line.


1. A Rose is a rose is a rose, but shit still stinks. Meaning, choose your name carefully.

A. Trolling nicks like HOT_10inches_4U, i_luv_cum_salad, cbt-boy22, etc., aren't going to cut it. One hopes to have fun but at the same time not be taken as a complete moron on first sight.

B. Don't get too serious/intense/dramatic with your name. A name like MasterOfAllISurvey, TheaterOfDeath, DivaUltraSupreme, etc., will induce a lot of eye-rolling and a lot of skepticism. Lighten up -- it's a chatroom, not Judgement Day.

C. One might take a name like one of those above as a joke, but that's a potenitally risky strategy. Text chat is the flattest of all media -- the words on the screen take on ultimate importance, since tone of voice, body language, and visual cues are absent. The best course is to pick a name that represents the real you.

D. Similiarly, I've see people use nicks that they seek to "live down," like total_brat_NY or ThoughtlessBastard. Again, it's generally not advisable. On-line first impressions are more or less indelible; a lot of people won't want to know you based solely on that. Fair? No. The way it is? Yes.


2. People care about your problems -- once they know you a little. Sometimes I see people pop into a room for the very first time and immediately launch into a deeply personal/very intense conversation with the total strangers in the room. Here's a handy guide: Cancer, mental illness, and evil people chasing you are not good ice-breakers. Most people hearing a tales like that, cold, will assume you are a complete fraud, doing research on a term paper, or just insufferably rude.


3. You don't have to jump in with both feet, but you do to have get somewhere near the pool. My room tends to be a friendly place -- when people come in we say hello. No one expects a new visitor in a strange place to carry the conversational weight, and even an action like "withdrawn_girl slips in and finds a quet corner" isn't a problem (although you might be gently encouraged to come out of said corner and join the conversation). But at a certain point, lurking is a dead end -- others can only get to know you to the extent that you let that happen. Some channels will kick people for "parking" (idling) too long; I as a rule don't, although after an hour or so I might draw a chalk outline around your fallen body and call in the Medical Examiner.


4. Your body is beautiful. Really. Sometimes, submisives, especially, find themselves in a position to describe themselves . . . this aids others in getting an image of you. Some things to bear in mind.

A. Guys: The average penis size, erect, is 6.5 inches (and that's towards the high end of average). Embellish a little but keep it semi-real. The average IQ is 100. You don't have a 200 IQ and you don't have a 13-inch dong. If you actually are a freak of nature like that, say 8 inches so it's believeable and lament in your private moments that true artists are never recognized in their own time.

B. Girls: OK, I get it. You actually are the one woman on-line who's 5' 11",120, 36C-22-34. with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and flawless skin. Throw in some little defect to make it seem semi-real ("i have a lot of freckles" might be ok) . . . and if you really are that perfect, console yourself with the knowledge of how good you have it. (Bitch.)


5. Careful where you step. It's said that strangers should never talk about sex, religion, or politics. Well, given that this is a BDSM chatroom, "sex" tends to come up a lot. But politics are religion are best kept well clear of. The less well one knows a given collection of people the "safer" the conversational topics should be.


6. Stream of consciousness worked for James Joyce; you ain't him. Sometimes a guest will be seemingly wrapped up in his or her personal monolouge, sending posts out scattershot with no regard as to whether they're germane or even being minimally acknowledged. This is rude, annoying, and shows a complete lack of undestanding of the most basic conversational norms.


7. It's not fair. Simply put, you don't get to piss off the Ops and live to tell about it. You might not like it, it might offend some deep-seated sense of fair play that you have. All I can say about that is: Tough Darts. Now, sometimes there are people who attempt to intentionally piss off an Op to see how long it will take them to get kicked, or something. As entertainment, this is right up there with putting your tongue on a steel door in the wintertime. It's juvenile. You're better than that, even if you don't realize it yet.


8. It's not fair, Part 2. Many rooms have a set of "rules," either on their website or available while in the room. It's always a good idea to read these. It will not only help you decide if the room you're in is the right one for you, it will also prevent you from giving offense out of ignorance of what are generally simple straightforward things.


9. They're there to help. In most rooms, you'll find the Ops knowledgeable and helpful. Usually they can make your visit more enjoyable and positive.


10. It's an adult place. Congrats on cracking the NetNanny password. But please, if you're not 18, don't come around.

There's lots more to say but that's the end of the Public Service Announcement. Have fun and be careful out there.


Housekeeping note: New Link, The Naked Eye. This guy's thing is photographing naked people (with their knowledge/consent). I don't see too much cross-audience between that blog and this one, but it's a big tent here at #TEPB; he links to Me (thanks), so there you have it.