This past post on the subject of the "known" isn't totally about the known . . . hopefully it serves as a good bridge to disucssing further aspects of the spiritual side of things.
I was reminded today of a "song" by the performance artist Laurie Anderson. "Language is a Virus." (I assume she got the gist of the idea from the writings of William Burroughs, who wrote about language being "a virus from outer space.")
Anyway, in Anderson's piece there is the line:
"paradise is exactly like where you are right now only much much better."
Now, that's . . . supposed to be an ironic joke, I suppose. But it encapsualtes the very difficulty or writing about this subject . . . namely, the tautological, reflexive nature of language, and more insidiously, thought, since we think mostly in words.
Since we reinforce the shell by talking to ourselves, and at the same time, get all this wonderful (and not so wonderful) feedback from the shell, also expressed in words (even if not spoken), it's nearly imposisble to examine the shell for what it is without getting wrapped up in the reflexive nature of the examination process.
Put more simply, since the shell is convinced that is it "real" and "everything," it's extraordinarily difficult to even conceive of the notion that the shell is actually an agreed-upon interpretation of reality, not reality in and of iteself.
So, to steal a phrase, "Knowedge is independent of language." Language really is, in some ways, a virus. Although calling it a virus disregards the useful and necessary aspects of language. A "mutation" perhaps is a better term.
But I digress (another trap the "virus" sucks us into). If knowledge truly can be independent of language . . . what can we do with that?
The short answer is "precious little." At least at first.
The long answer is the beginning of the unknown.
What a girl (or boy) wants
Englishman wrote:
"To be most effective with ones submissive, it must be essential to know the desires and wants of the slave/sub concerned, one would imagine. This done, one can deal with each in a bespoke manner. How do you suggest one finds out the predilections of the subject under consideration?"
Let Me say this about that:
1. By fully exploring the known. See the five long posts on that subject (there is a sixth in that series on the way, but I'm having trouble formulating it in a clear manner. Of course that assumes that the first five are "clear," by no means a settled question LOL).
2. By enforcing the idea to the submissive that his or her desires are owned, as are all other parts of the submissive. This takes some doing. As I've written earlier, many subs (females, particularly, it seems) have a tendancy to be want to be "too good," to hold back their desires for fear of seeming selfish or un-sub-like in some way. The only way to break through this is with frequent reminders/probing from the Dominant (but see the disclaimer of sorts that immediately follows).
3. By the Dominant realizing that at a certain point, the submissive wants what the Dominant wants. I have said, with regard to My girls, that "the less I care about what they want the more they like it." While that's somewhat flip, there's an important truth in there. Again, to hammer on a favorite theme, subs want to submit. As they grow (and again, this doesn't apply to everyone) more and more of their fulfillment does actually come from serving/pleasing the Other. It's important for the Dominant to learn all of the sub's desires to the extent that S/He can, but equally important to remember that there is a point of diminishing returns in that kind of research. As sorceress put it, prosaically but very accurately, one of the joys of being submissive is "not having to think stuff up." Don't fall into the trap of needing to know if every single thing is responding to some heretofore unexpressed desire in the submissive.
4. By watching/listening. submissives often reveal much more in their casual interactions than in one-on-one conversations with the Dom/me.
"To be most effective with ones submissive, it must be essential to know the desires and wants of the slave/sub concerned, one would imagine. This done, one can deal with each in a bespoke manner. How do you suggest one finds out the predilections of the subject under consideration?"
Let Me say this about that:
1. By fully exploring the known. See the five long posts on that subject (there is a sixth in that series on the way, but I'm having trouble formulating it in a clear manner. Of course that assumes that the first five are "clear," by no means a settled question LOL).
2. By enforcing the idea to the submissive that his or her desires are owned, as are all other parts of the submissive. This takes some doing. As I've written earlier, many subs (females, particularly, it seems) have a tendancy to be want to be "too good," to hold back their desires for fear of seeming selfish or un-sub-like in some way. The only way to break through this is with frequent reminders/probing from the Dominant (but see the disclaimer of sorts that immediately follows).
3. By the Dominant realizing that at a certain point, the submissive wants what the Dominant wants. I have said, with regard to My girls, that "the less I care about what they want the more they like it." While that's somewhat flip, there's an important truth in there. Again, to hammer on a favorite theme, subs want to submit. As they grow (and again, this doesn't apply to everyone) more and more of their fulfillment does actually come from serving/pleasing the Other. It's important for the Dominant to learn all of the sub's desires to the extent that S/He can, but equally important to remember that there is a point of diminishing returns in that kind of research. As sorceress put it, prosaically but very accurately, one of the joys of being submissive is "not having to think stuff up." Don't fall into the trap of needing to know if every single thing is responding to some heretofore unexpressed desire in the submissive.
4. By watching/listening. submissives often reveal much more in their casual interactions than in one-on-one conversations with the Dom/me.
Popping in on the non-spiritual: What kind of submission?
saratoga's most recent post ends with the following questions:
"Does it matter to a Domina which type of submission She has been offered? Does the type of submission change the nature of Her Dominance?"
I hate to say it but the answer of course is "yes and no."
I've written before about how love is either a complicating factor (the "older" type of theory of D/s) or a necessary ingredient to a truly deep and fulfilling D.s relationship (My theory of D/s, and others').
The "love thing" or lack thereof largely determines the answers to saratoga's questions. When One is in love with the submissive One is more likely to take the longer-term view. Consider two different situations: One in which a Dom/me has a sub that He or She plays with on a regular basis, but where there is no emotional attachment in either direction. The other in which a Dom/me and a sub are involved in a committed, emotionally-attached relationship.
In the first situation the Dominant is going to be less likely to accept aspects of submission that are "around the margins," i. e., things that S/he is not necessarily really greared towards receiving from a submissive. Additionally, the first situation is more likely to run afoul of the natural ebb and flow of life, e. g., fluctuating sex drives, biological imperatives, periods of ill health, etc. In that situation the Dom/me and sub are more likely to be geared to a "100%" experience, given that the interaction is perforce limited in scope and limited by time. This is a major reason why these regular "hook-up" type D/s situations often fizzle out over time -- mismatched expectations and wildly varying results.
In the second situation, the Dom/me has (another one of My pet themes) the luxury of time. The little stupid things that happen in life take on less importance in the D./s scheme of things, because there is always four hours from now, there is tomorrow, there is next week, etc. Both parties knowing this creates a different mindset.
And having time and love means that the Dom/me has the opportunity to "weed out" the aspects of submission that are non-conforming with what S/He wants. The long-term view allows the Dom/me to "accept" in the short term certain things that S/He intends to alter/eradicate as time goes on.
Of course few of us, in either role, are totally "plastic." That is, we can change to a certain degree. Often that's a huge change, but at a certain point most will run up against a hard limit, and I don't mean a given activity. A hard limit in the sense that one changes and changes but certain things simply will always be there. Especially when those things are chemical, like sex drive. A submissive might be able to address his or her sex drive to a great extent, to re-channel it into the satisfaction gained from serving and pleasing, etc. Up to that point where there is a chemical imperative, and then, well, something's gotta give. Just as in vanilla relationships, in D/s mismatched people often fall in love with each other. It's made more difficult when one party by definition has less power (real or perceived) to alter his or her situation.
So, back to saratoga's questions: "Does it matter to a Domina which type of submission She has been offered? Does the type of submission change the nature of Her Dominance?"
It always matters. What She does with it, or doesn't, depends on a whole laundry list of variables.
"Does it matter to a Domina which type of submission She has been offered? Does the type of submission change the nature of Her Dominance?"
I hate to say it but the answer of course is "yes and no."
I've written before about how love is either a complicating factor (the "older" type of theory of D/s) or a necessary ingredient to a truly deep and fulfilling D.s relationship (My theory of D/s, and others').
The "love thing" or lack thereof largely determines the answers to saratoga's questions. When One is in love with the submissive One is more likely to take the longer-term view. Consider two different situations: One in which a Dom/me has a sub that He or She plays with on a regular basis, but where there is no emotional attachment in either direction. The other in which a Dom/me and a sub are involved in a committed, emotionally-attached relationship.
In the first situation the Dominant is going to be less likely to accept aspects of submission that are "around the margins," i. e., things that S/he is not necessarily really greared towards receiving from a submissive. Additionally, the first situation is more likely to run afoul of the natural ebb and flow of life, e. g., fluctuating sex drives, biological imperatives, periods of ill health, etc. In that situation the Dom/me and sub are more likely to be geared to a "100%" experience, given that the interaction is perforce limited in scope and limited by time. This is a major reason why these regular "hook-up" type D/s situations often fizzle out over time -- mismatched expectations and wildly varying results.
In the second situation, the Dom/me has (another one of My pet themes) the luxury of time. The little stupid things that happen in life take on less importance in the D./s scheme of things, because there is always four hours from now, there is tomorrow, there is next week, etc. Both parties knowing this creates a different mindset.
And having time and love means that the Dom/me has the opportunity to "weed out" the aspects of submission that are non-conforming with what S/He wants. The long-term view allows the Dom/me to "accept" in the short term certain things that S/He intends to alter/eradicate as time goes on.
Of course few of us, in either role, are totally "plastic." That is, we can change to a certain degree. Often that's a huge change, but at a certain point most will run up against a hard limit, and I don't mean a given activity. A hard limit in the sense that one changes and changes but certain things simply will always be there. Especially when those things are chemical, like sex drive. A submissive might be able to address his or her sex drive to a great extent, to re-channel it into the satisfaction gained from serving and pleasing, etc. Up to that point where there is a chemical imperative, and then, well, something's gotta give. Just as in vanilla relationships, in D/s mismatched people often fall in love with each other. It's made more difficult when one party by definition has less power (real or perceived) to alter his or her situation.
So, back to saratoga's questions: "Does it matter to a Domina which type of submission She has been offered? Does the type of submission change the nature of Her Dominance?"
It always matters. What She does with it, or doesn't, depends on a whole laundry list of variables.
Spiritual Aspects, Part 5: Fully Exploring the Known (5)
I can't believe I took two days off from posting here. I feel like a failure LOL.
Anyway, I left off talking about talking vs. doing/perceiving. And how difficult it is for anyone to just do and feel without obsessively exploring what those feelings and actions mean.
The most effective way is another one of those "tricks that's not really a trick." And it is as simple and as complicated as this:
Acting as if.
At the somplest level, it's just what it says. Not planning to be/do a certain thing, a certain way, but simply "pretending," if you will, that the desired state of affiars already exists and acting accordingly.
That this works is truly a mystical thing. There is no rational explanation for it.
We are geared to thinking from the bottom up, usually. Let's say the goal, in broad strategic terms, is to "be a better submissive." (Let's assume for the moment that what that actually means has been defined for the person by his or her Master/Mistress.) Most people would have one of two ways of proceeding:
1. One type of person would think about (perhaps even write down) all the things that make up "a better subnmissive" and then think about how to go about achieving them. Essentially a "to-do list" approach.
2. The other type of person is going to be completely befuddled by the sheer magnitude of the task and probably not achieve much unless very clear and specific direction is supplied every step of the way by the Dom/me.
I chose a somewhat bad example becasue no task for a submissive should ever be left at such a broad strategic level, but it turns out that the submissives in group #2 are perhaps actually closer to achieving the goal without even knowing it.
That's because neither apporach works as well as acting as if. That is, the only way to proceed is to essentially lie to one's self, if one needs to use that word. One assumes that one is alreasy a "better submissive," and if one is faithful to it, one's actions fall into line, by a process so subtle that the effects will be startling when one stops and looks back after some time has passed. The reason I say that the #2 type submissives above are closer is because they are more likely to accept the command to "act as if" with less questioning, and thus it will be more effective, especially in the short term.
I fully ackonowledge how ridiculous this concept might sound. It is lying to one's self, in a way. It denies reality. To those concerns, I offer the following:
It is lying to the shell. It is denying the primacy of the shell.
The reason that the to-do list approach achieves only limited success is that the very process of making a list, of taking that inventory, feeds the shell, which, while it is the source of the potential to improve, is also the source of the problem. One's "list," one's approach, can't help but reflect some of the things that the list is trying to correct.
What acting as if does, if applied consistently and faithfully is to break that reflexive cycle of reinforcing the shell. But it is very difficult; becasue it is a "trick," a trick one's plays on one's self, divorcing one's self from that knowledge is a constant struggle. But over time the shell becomes more flexible and fluid, allowing for the Dom/me to more easily guide the process of exploring, and eventually, cracking the shell. At a certain point the exploration of the known is essentially complete; one comes to the realization that what has known and taken for granted all one's life is the actually an order that we, through our own "magical" powers, have imposed on what is actually complete chaos. That what we "are" is something that we have woven from incomprehenisble raw materials and as such is as potentially fluid and magical as those raw materials. And, even more amazingly, it is an order that we all have somehow come to agree on. This is a profound, devastating revelation; I know that My words here can't possibly do it justice.
At that point, (actually it's not quite so sequential, things are happening on multiple tracks simultaneously) one can approach the unknown with the proper bearing and respect, more prepared for what lies there.
Anyway, I left off talking about talking vs. doing/perceiving. And how difficult it is for anyone to just do and feel without obsessively exploring what those feelings and actions mean.
The most effective way is another one of those "tricks that's not really a trick." And it is as simple and as complicated as this:
Acting as if.
At the somplest level, it's just what it says. Not planning to be/do a certain thing, a certain way, but simply "pretending," if you will, that the desired state of affiars already exists and acting accordingly.
That this works is truly a mystical thing. There is no rational explanation for it.
We are geared to thinking from the bottom up, usually. Let's say the goal, in broad strategic terms, is to "be a better submissive." (Let's assume for the moment that what that actually means has been defined for the person by his or her Master/Mistress.) Most people would have one of two ways of proceeding:
1. One type of person would think about (perhaps even write down) all the things that make up "a better subnmissive" and then think about how to go about achieving them. Essentially a "to-do list" approach.
2. The other type of person is going to be completely befuddled by the sheer magnitude of the task and probably not achieve much unless very clear and specific direction is supplied every step of the way by the Dom/me.
I chose a somewhat bad example becasue no task for a submissive should ever be left at such a broad strategic level, but it turns out that the submissives in group #2 are perhaps actually closer to achieving the goal without even knowing it.
That's because neither apporach works as well as acting as if. That is, the only way to proceed is to essentially lie to one's self, if one needs to use that word. One assumes that one is alreasy a "better submissive," and if one is faithful to it, one's actions fall into line, by a process so subtle that the effects will be startling when one stops and looks back after some time has passed. The reason I say that the #2 type submissives above are closer is because they are more likely to accept the command to "act as if" with less questioning, and thus it will be more effective, especially in the short term.
I fully ackonowledge how ridiculous this concept might sound. It is lying to one's self, in a way. It denies reality. To those concerns, I offer the following:
It is lying to the shell. It is denying the primacy of the shell.
The reason that the to-do list approach achieves only limited success is that the very process of making a list, of taking that inventory, feeds the shell, which, while it is the source of the potential to improve, is also the source of the problem. One's "list," one's approach, can't help but reflect some of the things that the list is trying to correct.
What acting as if does, if applied consistently and faithfully is to break that reflexive cycle of reinforcing the shell. But it is very difficult; becasue it is a "trick," a trick one's plays on one's self, divorcing one's self from that knowledge is a constant struggle. But over time the shell becomes more flexible and fluid, allowing for the Dom/me to more easily guide the process of exploring, and eventually, cracking the shell. At a certain point the exploration of the known is essentially complete; one comes to the realization that what has known and taken for granted all one's life is the actually an order that we, through our own "magical" powers, have imposed on what is actually complete chaos. That what we "are" is something that we have woven from incomprehenisble raw materials and as such is as potentially fluid and magical as those raw materials. And, even more amazingly, it is an order that we all have somehow come to agree on. This is a profound, devastating revelation; I know that My words here can't possibly do it justice.
At that point, (actually it's not quite so sequential, things are happening on multiple tracks simultaneously) one can approach the unknown with the proper bearing and respect, more prepared for what lies there.
Spiritual Aspects, Part 4: Fully Exploring the Known (4)
Fully exploring the known isn't just talking. My previous three posts on this subject more than likely have left that impression. But, if excessive intorspection is to be avoided, there's a lot more perceiving and a lot less thinking that needs to go on.
And talking, almost invariably, feeds the introspection cycle. That is why this whole area is so tricky. The Dominant has to talk, obviously, and, depending upon personal style, seomtimes talk a lot. But ideally the submissive listens, really listens, takes what s/he hears to heart, but doesn't dwell on what's s/he's heard.
This is crucial. Because the shell is composed of our perception of the world. We continually bolster the shell with our habitual patterns of thought and introspection. That is why introspection rarely leads to change, even though it seems like the path to change -- the crazy, very difficult-to-handle thing is that introspection, over and above a certin healthy point, hardens the things we think we want to change. Even when that introsepction is negative (perhaps especially when it's negative.)
An almost trivial example: Suppose one eats too much. There is a healthy point in saying to one's self "I eat too much." Beyond that point, one's engaged in a deadly game with one's self wherein that mantra, "I eat too much," isn't a call to change but a reinforcement of the things causing one to eat too much.
So the Dom/me has to be careful, and has to be very perceptive to be able to see when the submissive is truly setting the stage for change, or lapsing into a self-perpetuating cycle of damaging introspection.
That's where the non-talking part becomes paramount. To move the submissive from an orientation of thought to one of perception. To feel, without attempting to explain or analyze those feelings. I am not talking about subspace or anything like that. What we call subspace (and Top-space) are part of the unknown, and not germane to this discussion. I am talking about learning to appreciate the simple, known feelings, both sexual and otherwise, without feeling
compelled to assign verbal values to them.
That is a daunting task. More next time.
And talking, almost invariably, feeds the introspection cycle. That is why this whole area is so tricky. The Dominant has to talk, obviously, and, depending upon personal style, seomtimes talk a lot. But ideally the submissive listens, really listens, takes what s/he hears to heart, but doesn't dwell on what's s/he's heard.
This is crucial. Because the shell is composed of our perception of the world. We continually bolster the shell with our habitual patterns of thought and introspection. That is why introspection rarely leads to change, even though it seems like the path to change -- the crazy, very difficult-to-handle thing is that introspection, over and above a certin healthy point, hardens the things we think we want to change. Even when that introsepction is negative (perhaps especially when it's negative.)
An almost trivial example: Suppose one eats too much. There is a healthy point in saying to one's self "I eat too much." Beyond that point, one's engaged in a deadly game with one's self wherein that mantra, "I eat too much," isn't a call to change but a reinforcement of the things causing one to eat too much.
So the Dom/me has to be careful, and has to be very perceptive to be able to see when the submissive is truly setting the stage for change, or lapsing into a self-perpetuating cycle of damaging introspection.
That's where the non-talking part becomes paramount. To move the submissive from an orientation of thought to one of perception. To feel, without attempting to explain or analyze those feelings. I am not talking about subspace or anything like that. What we call subspace (and Top-space) are part of the unknown, and not germane to this discussion. I am talking about learning to appreciate the simple, known feelings, both sexual and otherwise, without feeling
compelled to assign verbal values to them.
That is a daunting task. More next time.
Regrouping
Regrouping a bit after those long dense posts introducing the spritual aspect. My health is still not great -- nothing debilitating, but it does make it hard to to summon the energy necessary for the kind of posts I've been writing lately. (The baseball blog is sooooo much easier to write.)
Hope all are well. More soon.
Spiritual Aspects, Part 3: Fully Exploring the Known (3)
One runs into a very simple and obvious truth when one starts to consider how a Dominant conducts the deep examination of "the known." And that truth is that it's difficult if not impossible to lead another somewhere one hasn't already gone Him- or Herself.
This truth is reflected in popular maxims like "One can't Master another until one has Mastered One's self." While I could quibble at length that the issue is not one of Mastery but of simply completing a process (meaning that the "result" of said process is less important than the effort of having done the process faithfully and fully), the basic sentiment is accurate. One can't expect to lead another through a long, tedious, sometimes painful process of self-discovery until One has done the same for One's self (or had it done for them).
This isn't a question of "fairness." It's a question of the submissive's being able to completely trust the Dominant, meaning:
The submissive can't and shouldn't trust the Dominant to lead him or her through the most challenging terrain without at least some inkling that the Dominant has tried it Him- or Herself. And the Dom/me's not having done so will be readily apparent, because the Dom/me's lack of confidence and uncertainty will show through very quickly. It's the nature of the process -- it is merciless, both for Leader and follower.
And what exactly is that process? The easiest, most glib description might be "the process of figuring out why we are the way we are." And while that is a huge topic, (devalued as it might be by decades of talk-show charlatans), the process I'm talking about is more encompassing. Both because it includes more . . . and includes less.
Another riddle? Perhaps. The process includes more because it deals not only with feelings. It deals also with our basic perceptions. It attempts to treat as separate units things that we have never even considered might be separable.
But the process includes less because it takes into account the following crucial concept: Introspection, beyond a certain point, is counterproductive. While, clearly, introspection is unavoidable and often necessary, it reaches a point of diminishing returns fairly quickly, becasue, and this is the crux of the matter, and is the essence of exploring the known: we have used introspection all our lives to reinforce the boundries of the shell. Introspection feeds and strenghtens the shell; it is the feedback loop that continually reaffirms to us that we've "got it right." At a certain point one has to break that pattern. There is no true valuable exploration of the known without addressing the function of the cycle of introspection and working to disrupt it and reassign introsepction back to its proper place in beings. That proper place is somewhere down the steps; not on the throne where most of us have it placed.
Importantly, I should point out that intorspection is not limited to a long, drawn out, often depressive mental recounting of mostly negative things. It's not simply what we often call "being sensitive," or "brooding." The poison of being overly introspective applies equally to the positive as well as the negative. Thinking we're great is at least as damaging as thinking we're worthless. Both are equal, because both serve to reinforce and harden the shell and bury us farther in our own cycles.
It seems so overwhleming that one could certinaly question the wisdom of even starting such a process. I undersand that, truly. Ane there is no good answer other than that the potential payoff is gigantic, even in light of the massive effort. One simnply realizes, on day, and just . . . starts. One leads One's self through it; One emerges so strong that sometimes others practically must follow, driven by feelings they can't articulate, by glimpses of something for which there are no words. And for Me, and Mine, that's enough. In fact, it's everything.
This truth is reflected in popular maxims like "One can't Master another until one has Mastered One's self." While I could quibble at length that the issue is not one of Mastery but of simply completing a process (meaning that the "result" of said process is less important than the effort of having done the process faithfully and fully), the basic sentiment is accurate. One can't expect to lead another through a long, tedious, sometimes painful process of self-discovery until One has done the same for One's self (or had it done for them).
This isn't a question of "fairness." It's a question of the submissive's being able to completely trust the Dominant, meaning:
The submissive can't and shouldn't trust the Dominant to lead him or her through the most challenging terrain without at least some inkling that the Dominant has tried it Him- or Herself. And the Dom/me's not having done so will be readily apparent, because the Dom/me's lack of confidence and uncertainty will show through very quickly. It's the nature of the process -- it is merciless, both for Leader and follower.
And what exactly is that process? The easiest, most glib description might be "the process of figuring out why we are the way we are." And while that is a huge topic, (devalued as it might be by decades of talk-show charlatans), the process I'm talking about is more encompassing. Both because it includes more . . . and includes less.
Another riddle? Perhaps. The process includes more because it deals not only with feelings. It deals also with our basic perceptions. It attempts to treat as separate units things that we have never even considered might be separable.
But the process includes less because it takes into account the following crucial concept: Introspection, beyond a certain point, is counterproductive. While, clearly, introspection is unavoidable and often necessary, it reaches a point of diminishing returns fairly quickly, becasue, and this is the crux of the matter, and is the essence of exploring the known: we have used introspection all our lives to reinforce the boundries of the shell. Introspection feeds and strenghtens the shell; it is the feedback loop that continually reaffirms to us that we've "got it right." At a certain point one has to break that pattern. There is no true valuable exploration of the known without addressing the function of the cycle of introspection and working to disrupt it and reassign introsepction back to its proper place in beings. That proper place is somewhere down the steps; not on the throne where most of us have it placed.
Importantly, I should point out that intorspection is not limited to a long, drawn out, often depressive mental recounting of mostly negative things. It's not simply what we often call "being sensitive," or "brooding." The poison of being overly introspective applies equally to the positive as well as the negative. Thinking we're great is at least as damaging as thinking we're worthless. Both are equal, because both serve to reinforce and harden the shell and bury us farther in our own cycles.
It seems so overwhleming that one could certinaly question the wisdom of even starting such a process. I undersand that, truly. Ane there is no good answer other than that the potential payoff is gigantic, even in light of the massive effort. One simnply realizes, on day, and just . . . starts. One leads One's self through it; One emerges so strong that sometimes others practically must follow, driven by feelings they can't articulate, by glimpses of something for which there are no words. And for Me, and Mine, that's enough. In fact, it's everything.
Spring Break
A beautiful, very warm day today -- it must've been 75. Spring is settling in . . . the forcythias have exploded, the dogwoods are getting ready to bloom. The trees are tenatively budding; driving home I saw a wild turkey, looking slim but ready to pile on the pounds, pecking at seeds while a fat woodchuck soaked in the sunshine nearby.
A good day to remember and soak in the simple marvels that surround us, all the time. Today I was actually almost glad for the nightly traffic jam . . . it gave Me a few minutes to really appreciate the beauty of the world waking up, renewing itself.
Posting about the heavy metaphysical stuff seems almost foolish after the drive home tonight. It's important to remember that there are times to think and times to simply revel in the simple magnificence of spring.
A good day to remember and soak in the simple marvels that surround us, all the time. Today I was actually almost glad for the nightly traffic jam . . . it gave Me a few minutes to really appreciate the beauty of the world waking up, renewing itself.
Posting about the heavy metaphysical stuff seems almost foolish after the drive home tonight. It's important to remember that there are times to think and times to simply revel in the simple magnificence of spring.
Spiritual Aspects, Part 2: Fully Exploring the Known (2)
I left off mentioning a process. A process that we've all been through and one that is very difficult to examine because it has been happening/is happening to us as we are trying to examine it, leaving us without the necessary objectivity to evaluate the process critically.
"Socialization" is one way to describe this process, although that's an incomplete description. Because while we have all been socialized, obviously, and having been socialized has created who we are to a large extent, the process I'm talking about it is more encompassing than socialization.
From birth, our perceptions are molded by the adults around us. There is, to state it in its most primitive form, an "idea" about the world that all functioning adults more or less share on a very low level. This isn't an idea about human relations, or politics, or good and evil, per se, but rather an idea about the very basic physical nature of the world around us. Perforce, we inheirit that idea, of obviously, we need to. Some of this "idea" we figure out on our own (we could stub a toe and not need anyone to tell us it hurts), but most of it is force-fed to us by the adults we interact with as infants and children.
Obviously this is a normal, natural, and necessary process. And once we have mastered that basic idea of the world, we're able to interact with the physcial world in more complex ways, as out greater understanding of the idea procceds apace with our increasing physical capabilities. We understand on some level that it's ok to pick up the apple but not to pick up the burning stick long before we are able to physically execute either action with repeatable precision.
All this would be pretty simple if that were the extent of it. But nothing in human interaction is so simple. Because along with the useful information, we're also being fed an entire additional set of assumptions about the world. These are spritual, intellectual, etc., in nature. Some are harmless, some are incredibly damaging, but most fall into some middle category of being harmful or helpful in such subtle ways that over time we fail to notice their effects the vast majority of the time.
The end result of all this conditioning is what I've called the "shell." Over a long time, the assumptions we've internalized make up this shell.
And this is where I will perhaps "lose" a number of people. The shell does not only affect our emotions -- it dictates our perception of the world, on all levels, from the mundane to the absolutely magical. And the ability to craft our early experiences and perceptions into a solid, workable shell is not mundane at all, but rather an incredible, magical feat -- it represents the construction of order from pure chaos.
The shell has one primary aim above all others: self-preservation. Since the shell has "learned" that it is "everything," any "damage" to the shell is damage of the most serious order. This is a beneifical phenomenon, of course, in the largest sense -- it keeps most of us sane over the long haul, and buttresses us against the stresses and strains of daily life.
But if the shell is our perception of "everything," then there can be no real change, no actual learning, without the Teacher (Dom/me) working to crack that shell, to introduce the idea that the boundries we've drawn for ourselves are in fact arbitrary, and as artifical as any circle in the sand is. That it has its unique current configuration is the result of the randomness of birth and socialization and circumstance.
Given that, it's incumbent upon the Dom/me to help the submissive explore every aspect of that shell. One doesn't go about trying to crack/expand the shell without knowing everything possible about it. To do otherwise would be like going about a home renovation project by knocking down walls at random, without knowing which ones are load-bearing walls; disaster surely looms.
This exploration calls upon the Dom/me to be patient, understanding, clever, and creative. The process of attempting to see the shell for what it is, and to attempt to see how it works in the submissive's life and emotions will be met with resistance and fear, both active and passive. It is hard, draining work. But it is so worthwhile, and absolutely necessary. Without this hard and often tedious work up front, both parties end up frustrated, confused, angry -- the Dom/me eventually seems unduly arbitrary or harsh, and the submissive finds him or herself "snapping back" for no apparent reason.
Next time I'll talk about how the Dom/me goes about guiding this exploration.
"Socialization" is one way to describe this process, although that's an incomplete description. Because while we have all been socialized, obviously, and having been socialized has created who we are to a large extent, the process I'm talking about it is more encompassing than socialization.
From birth, our perceptions are molded by the adults around us. There is, to state it in its most primitive form, an "idea" about the world that all functioning adults more or less share on a very low level. This isn't an idea about human relations, or politics, or good and evil, per se, but rather an idea about the very basic physical nature of the world around us. Perforce, we inheirit that idea, of obviously, we need to. Some of this "idea" we figure out on our own (we could stub a toe and not need anyone to tell us it hurts), but most of it is force-fed to us by the adults we interact with as infants and children.
Obviously this is a normal, natural, and necessary process. And once we have mastered that basic idea of the world, we're able to interact with the physcial world in more complex ways, as out greater understanding of the idea procceds apace with our increasing physical capabilities. We understand on some level that it's ok to pick up the apple but not to pick up the burning stick long before we are able to physically execute either action with repeatable precision.
All this would be pretty simple if that were the extent of it. But nothing in human interaction is so simple. Because along with the useful information, we're also being fed an entire additional set of assumptions about the world. These are spritual, intellectual, etc., in nature. Some are harmless, some are incredibly damaging, but most fall into some middle category of being harmful or helpful in such subtle ways that over time we fail to notice their effects the vast majority of the time.
The end result of all this conditioning is what I've called the "shell." Over a long time, the assumptions we've internalized make up this shell.
And this is where I will perhaps "lose" a number of people. The shell does not only affect our emotions -- it dictates our perception of the world, on all levels, from the mundane to the absolutely magical. And the ability to craft our early experiences and perceptions into a solid, workable shell is not mundane at all, but rather an incredible, magical feat -- it represents the construction of order from pure chaos.
The shell has one primary aim above all others: self-preservation. Since the shell has "learned" that it is "everything," any "damage" to the shell is damage of the most serious order. This is a beneifical phenomenon, of course, in the largest sense -- it keeps most of us sane over the long haul, and buttresses us against the stresses and strains of daily life.
But if the shell is our perception of "everything," then there can be no real change, no actual learning, without the Teacher (Dom/me) working to crack that shell, to introduce the idea that the boundries we've drawn for ourselves are in fact arbitrary, and as artifical as any circle in the sand is. That it has its unique current configuration is the result of the randomness of birth and socialization and circumstance.
Given that, it's incumbent upon the Dom/me to help the submissive explore every aspect of that shell. One doesn't go about trying to crack/expand the shell without knowing everything possible about it. To do otherwise would be like going about a home renovation project by knocking down walls at random, without knowing which ones are load-bearing walls; disaster surely looms.
This exploration calls upon the Dom/me to be patient, understanding, clever, and creative. The process of attempting to see the shell for what it is, and to attempt to see how it works in the submissive's life and emotions will be met with resistance and fear, both active and passive. It is hard, draining work. But it is so worthwhile, and absolutely necessary. Without this hard and often tedious work up front, both parties end up frustrated, confused, angry -- the Dom/me eventually seems unduly arbitrary or harsh, and the submissive finds him or herself "snapping back" for no apparent reason.
Next time I'll talk about how the Dom/me goes about guiding this exploration.
REALLY feeling better, finally (I hope).
Obvioulsy my "feeeling better" post the other day was premature; Last night was a total waste, I basically did nothing but sleep and semi-sleep. The couple hours of wakefulness I had I spent with the girls. More here soon.
Spiritual Aspects, Part 1: Fully Exploring the Known (1)
I write last time about how addressing the spiritual aspect of D/s, for Me, starts with a complete exploration of the known, the commonplace, the seemingly mundane.
The reason I take this approach is that what we think is commonplace actually isn't commonplace or simple at all; becasue it's become routine we have assigned to a less important place in our minds, especailly when we think about it in comparison to the unkown/spiritual, which we regard (rightly) as mysterious and magical. In short, familiarity breeds, if not contempt, at least disinterest.
But it turns out that what we are, in the everyday, mundane, familiar sense, is the product of just as mysterious and magical process. That we are largely not aware of that fact doesn't matter. One thing that the Dom/me must do, in order to guide the other to the unknown, if to first help the submissive realize that this mysterious process has taken place. Of course, that presupposes that the Dom/me is aware of this fact, too . . . by no means a given.
And what exactly do I mean by all this, anyway? What is this "process" that's taken place, and what does it mean to "fully explore the known?"
It means a thorough examination/discovery of who we are, and why we are/act the way we are/act. This can be tedious. More often on top of that it's scary, and extrmeemly uncomfortable. And not always a lot of fun for the Dom/me, either.
Given all that, why bother? More soon.
The reason I take this approach is that what we think is commonplace actually isn't commonplace or simple at all; becasue it's become routine we have assigned to a less important place in our minds, especailly when we think about it in comparison to the unkown/spiritual, which we regard (rightly) as mysterious and magical. In short, familiarity breeds, if not contempt, at least disinterest.
But it turns out that what we are, in the everyday, mundane, familiar sense, is the product of just as mysterious and magical process. That we are largely not aware of that fact doesn't matter. One thing that the Dom/me must do, in order to guide the other to the unknown, if to first help the submissive realize that this mysterious process has taken place. Of course, that presupposes that the Dom/me is aware of this fact, too . . . by no means a given.
And what exactly do I mean by all this, anyway? What is this "process" that's taken place, and what does it mean to "fully explore the known?"
It means a thorough examination/discovery of who we are, and why we are/act the way we are/act. This can be tedious. More often on top of that it's scary, and extrmeemly uncomfortable. And not always a lot of fun for the Dom/me, either.
Given all that, why bother? More soon.
The Spiritual Aspects, an Introduction
I've hinted at and talked around some of the "spritual" underpinnings of My way of going about D/s in a few entries. I haven't addressed them directly because 1) they are difficult to write about coherently, 2) concrete examples by definition aren't there, 3) I doubt it would be of much value to the most readers, given how personal and unique and deeply held these things are for everyone, and 4) one often ends up sounding like one is talking in circles about two paragraphs in.
But there are things that perhaps have some broad appeal/value.
One is that I see D/s as uniquely spiritual, in a way that few other human endeavors are, because is touches upon the barrier between what we present and waht we really are but hold to ourselves. It pushes hard on that barrier. Over time, most of us have found ways to make that barrier either very hard, but brittle, or flexible but highly resilient. In either situation, to press, crack, break that barrier creates profound, execpected effects. One of which is a glimpse of the unthinkably large arena that is human possibility, something in us that blazes and soars when freed from that necessary but limiting barrier.
D/s also pushes on the natural barrier between what is physical and what is spiritual. Which is a not as good of saying that is gets to the heart of the matter -- the complete exploration of the known, the venture into the unknown, and the realization, fully, that the only true barrier is the unknowable. (Am I talking in circles yet? You were warned LOL.)
That full exploration of the known, is paradoxically one of the most exciting, challenging, rearranging, scary, thrilling, mind-blowing experiences there is. It seems mundane, especially when compared one is consumed with the unknown and all the romance and fear that looms there, so seemingly close, when in reality exploring the known in all its complexities is just as powerful (and necesary) a step as any other.
How and why that is, and in fact must be so, is another installment.
But there are things that perhaps have some broad appeal/value.
One is that I see D/s as uniquely spiritual, in a way that few other human endeavors are, because is touches upon the barrier between what we present and waht we really are but hold to ourselves. It pushes hard on that barrier. Over time, most of us have found ways to make that barrier either very hard, but brittle, or flexible but highly resilient. In either situation, to press, crack, break that barrier creates profound, execpected effects. One of which is a glimpse of the unthinkably large arena that is human possibility, something in us that blazes and soars when freed from that necessary but limiting barrier.
D/s also pushes on the natural barrier between what is physical and what is spiritual. Which is a not as good of saying that is gets to the heart of the matter -- the complete exploration of the known, the venture into the unknown, and the realization, fully, that the only true barrier is the unknowable. (Am I talking in circles yet? You were warned LOL.)
That full exploration of the known, is paradoxically one of the most exciting, challenging, rearranging, scary, thrilling, mind-blowing experiences there is. It seems mundane, especially when compared one is consumed with the unknown and all the romance and fear that looms there, so seemingly close, when in reality exploring the known in all its complexities is just as powerful (and necesary) a step as any other.
How and why that is, and in fact must be so, is another installment.
Feeling Better/The Limits of Power
The work week has ground to its merciful conclusion, that cold, thankfully, seems to have been short-lived. I had a wonderful night last night -- storm and I celebrated our 2-year anniversary, iris is home from her trip. Life is good.
Was reading this girl's most recent entry. she talks about receiving some very disturbing news and feeling despondent and shell-shocked. Then, she talked with her Master, and it helped,a great deal. To quote her:
"Didn't change my circumstances, but He helped to build up my morale and my emotions to tackle what lies before me."
There is a great lesson in there for Dominants, one easily overlooked.
Our power over those We own can at times seem limitless. When the submissive pours it all out, when s/he reaches down and gives Us everything that is in there and lays it at Our feet, it's difficult not to get caught up in how incredibly good and powerful that feels. And it should. Heck, it's a big part of what we're all in this for-- that electric, magical connection, that indescribable current that flows between Owner and owned at certain times and fills every corner of U/us with the glow of pure pleasure and contentment.
But as with all wonderful experiences (Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie comes to mind), there is a [ptential price to be paid. The same thing that makes Us feel so powerful and wonderful and wise can obscure Our rational sense of limits. Unchecked that leads to the Dom/me becoming little more than an egomanical control-freak. And egomanical control freaks inspire a lot of emotions; unfortunately love and submission are not among them.
The less extreme example is where the Dom/me temporariloy loses sight of the fact that Our impact, even on those we love, or own, is often limited. There are certain things in life that We can't change, or change for another. And that is a painful realization to come to grips with.
But, like this girl's Master, what We can do, is "help[ed] to build up my morale and my emotions to tackle what lies before me." We can change how the submissive views the situation. We can help him or her to look at things in a different way that doesn't seem so horrible. Even if the change in outlook/spirits on the submissive's part is temporary, it's valuable, because it not only suggests the possiblity of another way, but also reinforces the empathy and care that Owner shows for owned. And that value of the latter can hardly be measured.
Thus the limits of power, while difficult to always remember, and sometimes humbling to experience, are in the end something to be celebrated. Becasue when One does bear them in mind, and still is able to help the other, in an important way, One feels One's own power, real, effective, loving, caring, power, even more acutely. And that kind of power is the essence of true Dominance, to Me.
Was reading this girl's most recent entry. she talks about receiving some very disturbing news and feeling despondent and shell-shocked. Then, she talked with her Master, and it helped,a great deal. To quote her:
"Didn't change my circumstances, but He helped to build up my morale and my emotions to tackle what lies before me."
There is a great lesson in there for Dominants, one easily overlooked.
Our power over those We own can at times seem limitless. When the submissive pours it all out, when s/he reaches down and gives Us everything that is in there and lays it at Our feet, it's difficult not to get caught up in how incredibly good and powerful that feels. And it should. Heck, it's a big part of what we're all in this for-- that electric, magical connection, that indescribable current that flows between Owner and owned at certain times and fills every corner of U/us with the glow of pure pleasure and contentment.
But as with all wonderful experiences (Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie comes to mind), there is a [ptential price to be paid. The same thing that makes Us feel so powerful and wonderful and wise can obscure Our rational sense of limits. Unchecked that leads to the Dom/me becoming little more than an egomanical control-freak. And egomanical control freaks inspire a lot of emotions; unfortunately love and submission are not among them.
The less extreme example is where the Dom/me temporariloy loses sight of the fact that Our impact, even on those we love, or own, is often limited. There are certain things in life that We can't change, or change for another. And that is a painful realization to come to grips with.
But, like this girl's Master, what We can do, is "help[ed] to build up my morale and my emotions to tackle what lies before me." We can change how the submissive views the situation. We can help him or her to look at things in a different way that doesn't seem so horrible. Even if the change in outlook/spirits on the submissive's part is temporary, it's valuable, because it not only suggests the possiblity of another way, but also reinforces the empathy and care that Owner shows for owned. And that value of the latter can hardly be measured.
Thus the limits of power, while difficult to always remember, and sometimes humbling to experience, are in the end something to be celebrated. Becasue when One does bear them in mind, and still is able to help the other, in an important way, One feels One's own power, real, effective, loving, caring, power, even more acutely. And that kind of power is the essence of true Dominance, to Me.
Happy Anniversary!
Feeling a bit better today, thankfully. Not 100% yet but "ambulatory" is an important prescursor of "dazzling."
Today is another anniversary -- it marks two years for storm and Me. Thank you for all the wonderful times these past two years, storm . . . and for all that you are and do. I love you.
Today is another anniversary -- it marks two years for storm and Me. Thank you for all the wonderful times these past two years, storm . . . and for all that you are and do. I love you.
Achoo!
I've caught one of those change-of-seasons colds. The only thing that seems to help is rest, followed by rest, followed by some more rest.
More blogging when I'm better. Hope everyone's well.
More blogging when I'm better. Hope everyone's well.
On Being Tired
It was a tiring day today, and driving home, I had a typcial "tired" reaction to things. When you're tired, little things get magnified. Every red light I came upon suddenly seemed sinister somehow, instead of an innocent accident of timing. My fellow drivers, who I admit I have little patience for at the best of times, seemed to be driving even worse than usual tonight. There seemed to be higher than normal number of a-hole pedestrians darting across roads, looking first optional. Getting home felt like the end of a boxig match more than the end of a drive. I arrived home punchy, irritiable, and pretty much "done."
What's this got to do with D/s?
D/s, takes more energy than any other form of human endeavor I've encountered. On the face of it, this seems wrong. It should be that discovering, exploring, being that you truly are should be an energizing, uplifting thing, shouldn't it? It shouldn't make one tired.
The answer is a definite "yes and no."
Yes, it is uplifting and energizing. I've felt in this lifestyle the most indescribable, wonderful things. There are times when My energy does feel boundless; My girls I know have felt that too. I've seen it in others, many times. It's what should happen, and often does. The times when one is really feeling the beauty and depth of D/s, from either side, are truly stunning, and the word "tired" never comes into play.
But the "no" part of the answer stems from the fact that being successful in D/s (however one's going to define "success") is, ultimately the product of long, hard, often tedious work. Long conversations, seemingly simple lessons repeated, re-explained, over and over, in different ways. Lots of practice. Very draining introspection, as one contemplates the journey so far and asks one's self any number of pertinent, difficult questions.
It's all that tedious stuff that largely makes the amazing wonderful stuff possible. As a result, it's important to:
1. Remember that, and don't slack off on putting the time in. Oddly enough, I find that Dom/mes are more likely to blow off the less exciting stuff, as a rule.
2. Take the energy required into acocunt, and be willing to give yourself a break at those times when you feel drained. D/s in, ultiamately, for both parties, a re-making, a re-arranging of some very basic things in us. That requires tremendous amounts of energy; don't beat yourself up when you don't have that energy; stuff happens. In D/s it happens more frequently and more intensely.
What's this got to do with D/s?
D/s, takes more energy than any other form of human endeavor I've encountered. On the face of it, this seems wrong. It should be that discovering, exploring, being that you truly are should be an energizing, uplifting thing, shouldn't it? It shouldn't make one tired.
The answer is a definite "yes and no."
Yes, it is uplifting and energizing. I've felt in this lifestyle the most indescribable, wonderful things. There are times when My energy does feel boundless; My girls I know have felt that too. I've seen it in others, many times. It's what should happen, and often does. The times when one is really feeling the beauty and depth of D/s, from either side, are truly stunning, and the word "tired" never comes into play.
But the "no" part of the answer stems from the fact that being successful in D/s (however one's going to define "success") is, ultimately the product of long, hard, often tedious work. Long conversations, seemingly simple lessons repeated, re-explained, over and over, in different ways. Lots of practice. Very draining introspection, as one contemplates the journey so far and asks one's self any number of pertinent, difficult questions.
It's all that tedious stuff that largely makes the amazing wonderful stuff possible. As a result, it's important to:
1. Remember that, and don't slack off on putting the time in. Oddly enough, I find that Dom/mes are more likely to blow off the less exciting stuff, as a rule.
2. Take the energy required into acocunt, and be willing to give yourself a break at those times when you feel drained. D/s in, ultiamately, for both parties, a re-making, a re-arranging of some very basic things in us. That requires tremendous amounts of energy; don't beat yourself up when you don't have that energy; stuff happens. In D/s it happens more frequently and more intensely.
Opening Day . . .
It's Opening Day for baseball, so I really do have to post something to the baseball blog today. Getting the template beyond the default will be a longer process . . . bear with the drab appearance for now, please.
I added saratoga's blog to my list of links. he just started his D/s blog . . . I urge everyone to check it out "and get in on the ground floor" as it were. saratoga is a very smart and articulate guy; I'm sure he'll have lots of interest to say there.
I added saratoga's blog to my list of links. he just started his D/s blog . . . I urge everyone to check it out "and get in on the ground floor" as it were. saratoga is a very smart and articulate guy; I'm sure he'll have lots of interest to say there.
D/s is like a job . . . and that's a good thing
I jokingly remarked to someone in the course of this busy weekend, "I can't wait to get back to work on Monday so I can finally relax."
Like many oft-repeated jokes there's more than a grain of truth in that one. And that got Me to thinking about how work is often less stressful than the other parts of life.
And I think that happens because at work:
1. Expectations are typically much clearer.
2. Short-term outcomes are much more controllable.
(In fact, if one's job doesn't have those two attributes to a reasonable degree it's almost a sure bet that one's job in a source of great stress.)
I've written a lot about how D/s is a magnifying glass of emotions, and thus, overall more difficult than vanilla. But in this aspect, D/s is (or should be) actually easier. Because like most jobs, in a D/s relationship:
1. Expectations are typically much clearer. Just as in the job category, consider the situation in the absence of this in a D/s relationship. I've seen many very devoted, dedicated submissives thrown off the track, sometimes to the point of leaving the lifestyle entirely, because they've been with a one or a series of weak, indecisive, mercurial Dominants. In the absence of clear expectations, clearly stated and re-stated, the submissive can feel set adrift, because the sub's anchor is the certainty that they at least know the "right" thing to do, regardless of whether they actually achieve it in a given situation. Not doing it right, as it were, is something that one can accept and practice and correct, but only if the "right thing to do" isn't a moving target.
For the Dom/me, having clear expectations and expressing them helps ensure that the Dominant will get the best from the submissive, and fuels that magical, oh-so-exciting process by which Dominance and submission feed and boost each other.
2. Short-term outcomes are much more controllable. All of us, to varying extents have some long-term plans/hopes/expectations/goals, etc. Having these, aside from being more or less a given of human nature, also gives us some feeling of "control," some sense of not feeling completely at the mercy of random inscrutable forces. In reality, though, our actual control diminishes in massively inverse proportion to time moving forward from the moment.
It's in the short term where our control over the outcome is maximized. This is an important principle for the submissive, as it helps him or her to not overthink, to remember that "growth" for a submissive is in reality a string of tiny successes. Conversely, it's up to the Dominant to help the submissive bear that in mind by setting things up so that the string of small victories is more possible, and, importantly, easy to see and appreciate.
This is not to say that the Dominant shouldn't have a long-term plan, goals, etc. Nor should the submissive lose sight of that goal that's out there in the far distance somewhere. But it's important for both to remember that control, in the larger sense, is an illusion; to remember that we do what we can, one thing at a time. Far from being a source of frustration, that should be a source of satisfaction for the Dominant and the submissive both.
P. S. I was remiss, in the course of this crazy weekend, to not post on Friday that Friday marked the 2-year anniversary of sorceress being Mine. Thank you, My wonderful girl, for all that you are and do . . . owning you is a pleasure, a joy, and a thrill, always. I love you.
Like many oft-repeated jokes there's more than a grain of truth in that one. And that got Me to thinking about how work is often less stressful than the other parts of life.
And I think that happens because at work:
1. Expectations are typically much clearer.
2. Short-term outcomes are much more controllable.
(In fact, if one's job doesn't have those two attributes to a reasonable degree it's almost a sure bet that one's job in a source of great stress.)
I've written a lot about how D/s is a magnifying glass of emotions, and thus, overall more difficult than vanilla. But in this aspect, D/s is (or should be) actually easier. Because like most jobs, in a D/s relationship:
1. Expectations are typically much clearer. Just as in the job category, consider the situation in the absence of this in a D/s relationship. I've seen many very devoted, dedicated submissives thrown off the track, sometimes to the point of leaving the lifestyle entirely, because they've been with a one or a series of weak, indecisive, mercurial Dominants. In the absence of clear expectations, clearly stated and re-stated, the submissive can feel set adrift, because the sub's anchor is the certainty that they at least know the "right" thing to do, regardless of whether they actually achieve it in a given situation. Not doing it right, as it were, is something that one can accept and practice and correct, but only if the "right thing to do" isn't a moving target.
For the Dom/me, having clear expectations and expressing them helps ensure that the Dominant will get the best from the submissive, and fuels that magical, oh-so-exciting process by which Dominance and submission feed and boost each other.
2. Short-term outcomes are much more controllable. All of us, to varying extents have some long-term plans/hopes/expectations/goals, etc. Having these, aside from being more or less a given of human nature, also gives us some feeling of "control," some sense of not feeling completely at the mercy of random inscrutable forces. In reality, though, our actual control diminishes in massively inverse proportion to time moving forward from the moment.
It's in the short term where our control over the outcome is maximized. This is an important principle for the submissive, as it helps him or her to not overthink, to remember that "growth" for a submissive is in reality a string of tiny successes. Conversely, it's up to the Dominant to help the submissive bear that in mind by setting things up so that the string of small victories is more possible, and, importantly, easy to see and appreciate.
This is not to say that the Dominant shouldn't have a long-term plan, goals, etc. Nor should the submissive lose sight of that goal that's out there in the far distance somewhere. But it's important for both to remember that control, in the larger sense, is an illusion; to remember that we do what we can, one thing at a time. Far from being a source of frustration, that should be a source of satisfaction for the Dominant and the submissive both.
P. S. I was remiss, in the course of this crazy weekend, to not post on Friday that Friday marked the 2-year anniversary of sorceress being Mine. Thank you, My wonderful girl, for all that you are and do . . . owning you is a pleasure, a joy, and a thrill, always. I love you.
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