Expectations Part 2 (Slight Reprise)

A follow-up to the "Expectations" post (which, I note, was apparently so incisive and powerful that all potential commenters were stunned into silence LOL).

I ended that post by noting that the follower(s) end up more or less where the Leader leads. That simple fact has big implications, and ends up being a root cause of why many D/s relationships go awry.

Simply put -- a Leader must have some idea of where S/he wants to go. This is so obvious as to be almost embarrassing to set down in print, but from what I've seen, it's something that needs to be written/thought about.

Much of the joy of submission lies in being able to assume (or know, ideally) that one doesn't have to think about the overall direction of things. One of the biggest, most comforting things there is for a submissive to give up is the worrying/thinking about the "direction" stuff. But the sub can't be comfortable in letting go of that if his or her assumptions about not having to worry about it are constantly being disarranged by a Dominant Who seems unsure of what S/he wants, or seems to constantly change what S/he wants. The effect on the submissive is devastating, often.

Some of this is simply a lack of communication, or a lack of clarity in communcation caused by an imperfect meshing of styles or the difficulty on One or the other's part to think/express thoughts clearly. The former is usually worked out over time as the the parties acclimate to each other; the latter is less readily solveable, typcially. In either case the situation takes a lot of hard work.

More serious is when constantly changing desires on the part of the Dom/me are masking a real desire to be out of the situation. (Dom/mes are no better at breaking things off than anyone else, dirty little secret, and often worse since Our egos are invested in a very deep way.) Or, most seriously, changing desires are a reflection of personal instablity on a basic level. In that case the submissive should run, not walk, to the nearest exit.

The good Dom/me expresses exactly what S/he wants from the submissive, and is willing to explain it multiple times and multiple ways if necessary. What S/he wants is in line with His or Her desires, and plan, for the now and for the future. At the same time, S/he doesn't allow the "goal" to become a trap that limits one or both parties.

Simple, huh?

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Looks like the photo upload is working correctly again. Maybe it was just Me . . . I was pretty tired last night.

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