jocelyn wrote in her blog about struggling with being submissive enough, and feeling, as a result of her perceived failure to do so, that her husband wasn't acting as Dominant.
This is one of those conundrums that continually crops up in D/s.
The answer, from My personal "handbook" is straightforward, if not necessarily satisfying:
The submissive doesn't get to define what constitutes "submission."
While I have no doubt of the absolute accuracy of that statement, I recognize the complications.
1. The submissive's submissive feelings, are, to varying degrees, based on his or her own ideas of what submissioin is. The inner compulsion that leads one to explore submission in the first place is most often based on powerful (if largely repressed) feelings.
So it's almost unavoidable that the submissive comes into it with his or her own preconceptions of what submission is.
2. Responding to/acting on those submissive feelings . . . feels good. Thus there is a disincentive to break out of certain patterns.
3. When a romantic non-D/s relationship has existed prior to one partner becoming submissive, it's ever more difficult, as certain norms have established themselves. Such norms are not always easily dispensed with, particularly for the Dominant.
How to deal with those complications?
The same way that the wise Dom/me deals with all aspects of D/s: With a combination of insight, understanding, and consistency.
Insight. D/s is a very complicated subject, intellectually. This is easy to lose sight of becasue 1) the feelings invovled are so intense, and 2) many people's initial interest in D/s is/was sexually based/fueled.
So it's incumbent upon the Dom/me to continually explain and re-explain certain concepts. (Which is it's own complication -- the not-so-secret secret is that being Dom/me doesn't magically endow One with insight and the ability to articulate that insight.) The good Dom/me needs to push Him/Herself to improve His or Her ability to explain, because the submissive's ultimate well-being and growth depend on the Dom/me's ability to communicate, and to be creative in seeking alternative methods of explaining difficult or non-obvious concepts.
Understanding. A lot of Dom/mes aren't good talkers; the sad fact is that even more aren't good listeners. The Dom/me must create and reinforce an enviornment where the submissive truly understands that in the appropriate forum, he or she can say anything, can bring up any subject. The submissive is willingly giving up a big piece of what we've all been brought up to understand is a vitally important, highly personal, and unique part of his or her identity: his or her control over his/her own person.
That is incredibly difficult, and not sustainable without sidesteps, missteps and even the occasional back-step. The Dom/me has to be able to recognize this, and to understand it (not just tolerate it). To be patient enough to know that it's temporary, smart enough to understand that it's necessary, open enough to encourage discussion of it, and strong enough to stay on the path Him/Herself. Which leads right to . . .
Consistency. In the end, the most powerful thing a Domme can do is to remain consistent. S/he sees. Explains. Undesrstands that things will sometimes go awry. But S/He continually, unwaveringly holds out for the what S/He wants and expects, in word, in thought, in action.
Consistency is calming. It reassures the submissive without a word that his or trust is not misplaced. Consistency is comforting. The submissive is able to know, eithout thinking about it, that his or her Owner is there, solidly. Consistency is freeing. Freed of worries about stability and trust, the submissive can really let go and begin to move farther, deeper along the path.
In an environment where the Dom/me practices insight, understanding, and consistency, the submissive will eventually, of his or her own accord, see that defining submission in his or her own terms (and worrying about the results on his or her own) is simply a beginning step, like training wheels on a bicycle -- it gets you able to simulate riding a bike. But just as no one goes back to training wheels once they learn how to ride without them, once the urge to define submission for one's self has been shed, it will seem, looking back, as a fond memory, but no longer an item of active consideration or usefulness.
3 comments:
Wise words, which I shall prescribe for my submissive to read.
very eloquent Lenora. I can speak from experience that, when the three components of which you write are present, submission can be defined, as it ideally should be, in the Dominant's terms.
It's almost like a mathematical situation of force vectors. If the Domina does not, in fact, exert sufficient force, the submissive will supplant/fill in that lack of force with his/her own idea of Dominance, to which to submit.
And then there is style. As a submissive, one is, I believe, well-advised to seek, as a Domme mentor reminds me, shared style priorities. It's almost impossible to submit to a person whose idea of Dominance, as expressed through her training, or play/lifestyle, just isn't the submissive's cup of tea. E.g., a painslut probably isn't going to thrive with a service Dominant. Never mind growth, if there isn't some initial area of commonality, the odds are just much lower for a happy, mutually-fulfilling D/s relationship in that sort of case.
Wow, can't add much more to what the other commentors have already said, but I do want to say this: I hope you never stop writing Lenora. Your words amaze and inspire me.
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