In the last post on this topic, I ended with saying how it ultimately becomes the submissive's responsibility to "weed out" the bad Dom/mes.
This isn't necessarily fair, of course, but the fact remains that there is no government without the consent of the governed, as it were. And it creates a problem because for many submissives being choosy feels wrong, feels Dom/mey, or like topping from the bottom. (I'm excluding where the obvious choice must be made -- where things are clearly unsafe/insane/illegal.)
There is a very delicate balance between being sensible and holding out for a certain set of ideals and being a subbie princess or a total do-me sub. I don't have any magic answers for how that balance is achieved.
I've noted before that over time, submissives become, without necessarily trying to, connoisseurs of Dominance. The intelligent submissive can pretty much instantly recognize the weak Dom/me from the strong One. This fairly well insulates them from the proliferation of bad Dom/mes, because experienced submissives can spot/avoid them or are in committed 1-on-1 relationships, making the issue more of less irrelevant for them.
It is the inexperienced, or too trusting, or too automatically submissive who are more at risk. Thus, for Me, this is an important issue because I take it as a given that in any "community," whether that community is a physical one or one of shared interest(s), the most vulnerable are to be protected to the extent that such is possible.
Back to the magic answers or lack thereof. The submissive, I think, has to draw in his/her mind the distinction between courtesy and respect. Courtesy is a surface form of respect. In any community, courtesy allows strangers to interact, each observing certain norms that facilitate communication. which either leads to the deeper thing, true respect, or stays on that surface level. Courtesy is the general respect we accord each other as human beings; Respect is based on a deeper appreciation of the specific person.
So, drawing an example from the virtual community of IRC, you can call Him "Sir," and it doesn't mean anything other than a recognition that the Person in question has self-identified as Dominant. you can serve Him a drink. you can be "nice" in some hard to define but commonly-recognized way. Now, if said Person demonstrates in various ways that He isn't really Dominant, or is lacking in any number of other ways, then one's relationship with that Person never moves beyond the surface. If enough submissives reacted to said Person the same way, He would either develop into a different kind of Person, or leave the community. In either case, the community is strengthened, and the submissive has held out for an ideal but done so without acting "unsubmissively."
It's not the total answer, but it is a good start.
2 comments:
"Courtesy" is "Respect" made manifest; whilst "Respect" is the genesis of true and hearfelt courtesy. (Or is that too circular by half?)`
i think education is the best way to protect the most vulnerable of the community --
i am a slave (my Owner prefers the terminology of Master or Owner and slave to Dominant and submissive). i have been on the kneeling side of the collar for as long as i've understood what the collar was. that does not mean that i am obligated to serve, respect or otherwise kowtow to any self-identified Dominant/Top/Master.
those girls coming into the community as new folks wanting to learn have to learn that they can establish those lines for themselves. they need to be taught and to see examples of women who are submissive in nature but who are capable of taking care of themselves in those situations where a questionable Dominant comes into play. when i first found this community -- i didn't know that it was ok for me to make that distinction. it took some bad decisions and a lot of self-affirmation for me to learn that it doesn't make me a bad slave because i choose who is on the receiving end of my submission. i don't feel it makes me a subbie-princess or any other derogatory term. it makes me aware of myself and what i want.
not only do girls need to know that its ok to have that line of demarkation in their thoughts -- but they need to be taught how to express it in a way that isn't being a brat or hateful. some girls i know find that in humor and gentle let downs and some are a bit more pointed but still polite. even some of the rude ones -- i can't fault their opinions, only the manner they choose to express it.
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