swan recently wrote:
"I know that I long for "companions" on this path. When I get lonely, frightened, confused, lost... I wish there were others who could see what I am seeing, hear the voices in my head, speak to my heart with wisdom and experience and calm. I wish there were mentors and guides. That is the one thing that I have longed to find as long as I have written in the online universe. Those people are as rare as hen's teeth."
I'm sure many share or have shared swan's feelings on this, perhaps more strongly at times than at others.
And while finding someone who sees that one sees or "hears the voices" in one's head has to be exceedingly rare, in My experience, companions are lot easier to come by.
The first impulse, and it's certainly a sensible and useful one, is to be wary . . . . there are a lot of players and bozos out there. Potential stalkers, too. There are people who gravitate to D/s, esepcially on-line, for the wrong reasons. And obviously one needs to have enough radar to avoid those people.
The obvious evil types avoided, there's a large segment of people who are perfectly nice, apparently sane, but simply, well, not very dynamic. It's not a matter of intelligence -- I've met tons of very smart, very boring people on-line. Some people simply aren't particularly insightful, creative, funny, or sexy. Sometimes just it's the combination of two people that isn't right. For whatever reason, one will encounter a lot of people who one can be friendly with, but with whom friendship will never develop.
In the remaining small segment are the potential friends, companions, mentors, or guides. And here is where many people, I find, cut themselves off from the possibilities. The title of this post refers to the old joke (Groucho Marx?), chacterizing a person who "wouldn't join any club that would have him as a member." I find we do that a lot. Why does another person go down somehow in our estimation when it's apparent they want to be friends with us?
Now there are friends and there are friends. Perhaps no one will ever be in one's head to the degree swan wrote about, but there's a continuum there, that stretches from a person who one can casually talk about one's day with to a very trusted friend/mentor/guide, someone who understands and truly helps one navigate the complexities of this lifestyle. But it has to start somewhere. I think that often we're too picky, sometimes from fear, from the lingering pain of bad past experiences, or simply from holding others to an imposisble standard that we, perhaps unconsciously, are also holding ourselves to.
Mentoring/Guiding is more complex, especially for a submissive, since the mentor in question will almost always be a Dominant, and there can be a confusion of feelings there as the mentoring process (perforce) delves into sensitive, edgy areas. I consider Myself to have been a mentor to several people, in varying degrees, and in My experience finding a mentor is mostly a matter of dumb luck. Dumb luck and being open to the possibility that one might actually find one.
So consider that simple posisbility that the club that wants you as a member really really likes you, and that liking you is a rational, normal thing, since you have lots of good qualities and should be liked.
What a concept!
Housecleaning Successful
Finally updated the link list to remove dead links and adjust a couple of URLs where people had moved.
On a few entries, I've added the phrase "not updated recently" after the name . . . these blogs haven't been updated in 3 months or so . . . I'll remove them the next time I update the link list if there's no updates by then.
Newest Links (I think I've isolated them all): Art Through Service . . . Destiny and Her Pet Chance . . . Fit to be Tied . . . Notes on an Unremarkable Life . . . Pleaseletme's Progress . . .
OK . . . time for My toal veg-out weekend to resume . . . few things in life are better than absolutely nothing that has to be done.
On a few entries, I've added the phrase "not updated recently" after the name . . . these blogs haven't been updated in 3 months or so . . . I'll remove them the next time I update the link list if there's no updates by then.
Newest Links (I think I've isolated them all): Art Through Service . . . Destiny and Her Pet Chance . . . Fit to be Tied . . . Notes on an Unremarkable Life . . . Pleaseletme's Progress . . .
OK . . . time for My toal veg-out weekend to resume . . . few things in life are better than absolutely nothing that has to be done.
A Familiar Theme
Sometimes an idea for a post will occur to Me, but then I'll decide against it, on the basis that "I've already written about that before." But in thinking on it, I realize that:
1. Certain ideas bear repeating.
2. The nature of this ever-rolling medium means that anything not on the current front page more or less never happened.
So, in the spirit of repeating something that bears repeating . . .
I was talking to a girl the other night. she was talking about a certain area in D/s that frequently gives her trouble as a submissive. And that had to do with her unease when she feels out of control. This is a common problem area, in My experience. Few submissives are a blank canvas, and truthfully, as a Dominant I wouldn't want that -- personally I can't image D/s being much fun without the unqiue contributions of the submissive.
But as with so much in this lifestyle there's a fine line. And it's not always clear where that line is. What some Dominants might see as playful, creative, or funny, Others might see as Toppy, bratty, or disrespectful. It's not easy for the submissive to always know when to "contribute uniqueness" and when to let go and just "be good." And the submissive, no matter how strong his or her desire to please, still has his or her own motivations, things that he or she responds to especially strongly. Those compulsions can be nearly irresistible. Add physical restraint and/or sexual excitement and/or teasing, humilation, etc., and the submissive often finds him- or herself in a sitaution that can feel impossible, even scary, sometimes.
Here's where I haul out the previously-discussed idea: The submissive, in the end, has only one thing to worry about controlling: the quality and completeness of his or her effort. Because that is the only thing the submissive can ever be sure about. And, importantly, pursued correctly, there is a great comfort in that. It is a clear, easily understood goal. An unwavering direction.
The tough part of course is that while the statement is simple, the execution is far from simple. The reason it's so difficult is that really focusing on that requires a change in one's basic orientation. A change from acting from the standpoint of holding on to acting from the standpoint of letting go.
This is very difficult since it goes against much of what we've been taught throughout our lives. Every fiber of our being tells us to hold on. Being "submissive" generally is no antidote to those poisonous thoughts. The bad news, interestingly enough, is the same as the good news: There is no way to "practice" it -- it starts as a mater of "Acting as If" consistently (another old post) and over time becomes a change in basic orientation. The reason I say that that's equally bad and good news is that it's not as if anyone's "missing out" -- it is what it is, and thus is universally and equally embraceable. (And of course universally and equally unattainable, viewed the other way.)
The final "proof" is that every time I talk to a submissive about this issue, they always end up feeling that the times when they have attained the "control" they felt they needed, they invariably feel bad about it.
Hm.
Waste of energy.
Makes you feel bad.
Illusory.
That's the trifecta. Try another way.
1. Certain ideas bear repeating.
2. The nature of this ever-rolling medium means that anything not on the current front page more or less never happened.
So, in the spirit of repeating something that bears repeating . . .
I was talking to a girl the other night. she was talking about a certain area in D/s that frequently gives her trouble as a submissive. And that had to do with her unease when she feels out of control. This is a common problem area, in My experience. Few submissives are a blank canvas, and truthfully, as a Dominant I wouldn't want that -- personally I can't image D/s being much fun without the unqiue contributions of the submissive.
But as with so much in this lifestyle there's a fine line. And it's not always clear where that line is. What some Dominants might see as playful, creative, or funny, Others might see as Toppy, bratty, or disrespectful. It's not easy for the submissive to always know when to "contribute uniqueness" and when to let go and just "be good." And the submissive, no matter how strong his or her desire to please, still has his or her own motivations, things that he or she responds to especially strongly. Those compulsions can be nearly irresistible. Add physical restraint and/or sexual excitement and/or teasing, humilation, etc., and the submissive often finds him- or herself in a sitaution that can feel impossible, even scary, sometimes.
Here's where I haul out the previously-discussed idea: The submissive, in the end, has only one thing to worry about controlling: the quality and completeness of his or her effort. Because that is the only thing the submissive can ever be sure about. And, importantly, pursued correctly, there is a great comfort in that. It is a clear, easily understood goal. An unwavering direction.
The tough part of course is that while the statement is simple, the execution is far from simple. The reason it's so difficult is that really focusing on that requires a change in one's basic orientation. A change from acting from the standpoint of holding on to acting from the standpoint of letting go.
This is very difficult since it goes against much of what we've been taught throughout our lives. Every fiber of our being tells us to hold on. Being "submissive" generally is no antidote to those poisonous thoughts. The bad news, interestingly enough, is the same as the good news: There is no way to "practice" it -- it starts as a mater of "Acting as If" consistently (another old post) and over time becomes a change in basic orientation. The reason I say that that's equally bad and good news is that it's not as if anyone's "missing out" -- it is what it is, and thus is universally and equally embraceable. (And of course universally and equally unattainable, viewed the other way.)
The final "proof" is that every time I talk to a submissive about this issue, they always end up feeling that the times when they have attained the "control" they felt they needed, they invariably feel bad about it.
Hm.
Waste of energy.
Makes you feel bad.
Illusory.
That's the trifecta. Try another way.
The Place Is A Mess . . .
I know I'm behind on the housekeeping stuff. There's new links over there -- I added them but forgot to note that they're there in a post. Now I'm not totally sure which ones they were.
And I know some of the links over there are dead, and some of the blogs linked to have apparently been apparently abandoned. One or two, I think, have moved to new URLs . . . if your blog is one of those in that latter cateory, please leave a comment or drop Me a line and let Me know the new address and I'll change the link.
Well, as with real housework, hopefully the weekend will be the time to catch up.
And I know some of the links over there are dead, and some of the blogs linked to have apparently been apparently abandoned. One or two, I think, have moved to new URLs . . . if your blog is one of those in that latter cateory, please leave a comment or drop Me a line and let Me know the new address and I'll change the link.
Well, as with real housework, hopefully the weekend will be the time to catch up.
YouTube Tuesday: More Alike Than Different?
I'm always amazed by how we're all so different. So different that even a notion of "community" becomes hard to define and harder still to hold on to in practice.
And yet, every so often something reminds Me that we're alike in so many ways. This video, for whatever reason, reminded Me of that today and made Me smile. Your mileage can and most likely will vary . . .
And yet, every so often something reminds Me that we're alike in so many ways. This video, for whatever reason, reminded Me of that today and made Me smile. Your mileage can and most likely will vary . . .
Back . . .
Back from vacation -- it was fun but it's great to be back. Thanks to those who have read and commented in My absence . . . I'll start catching up on things tomorrow. Hope everyone's had a wonderful week . . . byeee for now . . .
Standards
Some recent conversations with saratoga and reading various blog posts have got Me thinking about the whole concept of "standards" in D/s.
Specifically: Is it all so unqiue and personal that there is no point in trying to define/pursue standards of any kind?
The "uniqueness" argument for Me is the most compelling one mitigating against the existence of practical standards. No two Dom/mes are going to be alike, either in what They want or how They want it, exactly. That's simply a fact, and that fact argues strongly against there being any realistic common standard, against any set of "norms" that One might seek to generally "train" a submissive to that is not One's own.
The "growing and learning each other argument" I feel is weak. A Dom/me and a sub will have a million things to learn about each other once together in a relationship, regardless of how much or how little formalized "training" the sub may or may not have had at the hands of Another. One could even argue that the more experiences the submissive has had, of whatever kind, create the opportunity for a richer learning experience once in a relatoinship with an Owner.
But the strength of the uniqueness argument more than makes up for the weakness of the growing and learning argument. But perhaps there is another way around this.
I posed Myself the following question: "If there was a 'boot camp' for submissives, what would it consist of?" This is important becasue if that question can be answered, intuitively, without pouring a ton of analysis into it, then that fact creates a sort of emprical reductio ad absurdum disproof of the hypothesis that standards are not possible. And if they are possible, then it's a very short distance to "desireable" and "achieveable," and at least in the neighborhood of "enforceable."
So, what would subbie "boot camp" consist of? I think it's fairly clear that the sexual stuff, by and large, isn't worth training for. Aside from a very basic knowledge of anatomy, and certain basic aspepcts of physical training, the uniqueness monster is way too formidable to make "How to Eat Pussy" a worthwhile "class." In the non-sexual arena . . . I can see where a sub knowing how to make a bed or fold a T-shirt is a useful thing, or knowing that fabric softener doesn't go in the pot roast, etc. But do those really require a formalized "training?" They are more or less average adult skills (to varying degrees, of course). And, since there is no government without the consent of the governed and no "school" without a minimally engaged student body, I find it hard to imagine "subbie school" that consisted of "how to iron" and "the handling of delicate washables" a very rewarding educational experience for the typcial submissive. (As saratoga has writen, learning those things at the behest of one's Owner, however, is a totally different thing.)
So, no "subbie boot camp" cirriculum immediately and convincingly suggests itself. No help there, and that lack of such lends a bit more support to the "no standards" argument.
The "light," as it were, in this muddle, is a two-part sort of answer. And that is:
In a 1-on-1 situation, there is comparatively little value to a submissive having been trained by Another (little value to the current Owner and thus by extension to the submissive). But, where (if?) there is or could be a community, then standards and training can have significant value.
Why? Because any community runs more smoothly where there are agreed-upon (or least assented-to) norms. These norms define interactions between people who don't know each other intimately and allow all parties to function with at least surface safety and harmony.
Our daily vanilla lives are full of them, many of which we have never explicitly been taught and don't think about but which we know instantly and expect others to also. Example. You are waiting for a elevator. The doors open. There is one other person you don't know, already in the elevator. You enter the elevator and push your button. Now, everyone knows you don't stand six inches from the other person. You don't stand facing the other person. You don't sit down. Etc., etc. There are probably 50 "rules" about riding elevators that we all know intimately without ever having been taught them.
Now, elevators are fairly simple. As the interactions get more complex, it's necessary to write them down, analyze them, and undertake specialized training in order to understand them. We all know that "a deal's a deal," but there are lawyers who specialize in contracts because "deals" in the modern world can take on a complexity far beyond what our native "knowledge" of them can encompass. Society reognizes that complexity by not letting those who haven't passed the bar exam practice contract law.
D/s is, similarly, a highly complex set of interactions (again, this is a community setting we're discussing here -- whether such community does or can exist is a separate question). The norms are going to differ greatly in such a setting (perhaps submisisves kneel in elevators in this community?) and complexity and difference from what one's accustomed to are two strong arguments for formalized training.
It's a small thing to have salvaged from the whole issue, because D/s communities are rare, of course. For Me it was important, though, becasue while I endorse the "big tent," and judge no one's kink, etc., I do worry about any field of endeavor where the practice becomes so unique, so esoteric, so "roll your own" that there is no commonality at all.
Interestingly enough, on-line is the closest thing there is for most people to a D/s community. What norms I seek and enforce in that arena (and why) is the subject of another post.
Specifically: Is it all so unqiue and personal that there is no point in trying to define/pursue standards of any kind?
The "uniqueness" argument for Me is the most compelling one mitigating against the existence of practical standards. No two Dom/mes are going to be alike, either in what They want or how They want it, exactly. That's simply a fact, and that fact argues strongly against there being any realistic common standard, against any set of "norms" that One might seek to generally "train" a submissive to that is not One's own.
The "growing and learning each other argument" I feel is weak. A Dom/me and a sub will have a million things to learn about each other once together in a relationship, regardless of how much or how little formalized "training" the sub may or may not have had at the hands of Another. One could even argue that the more experiences the submissive has had, of whatever kind, create the opportunity for a richer learning experience once in a relatoinship with an Owner.
But the strength of the uniqueness argument more than makes up for the weakness of the growing and learning argument. But perhaps there is another way around this.
I posed Myself the following question: "If there was a 'boot camp' for submissives, what would it consist of?" This is important becasue if that question can be answered, intuitively, without pouring a ton of analysis into it, then that fact creates a sort of emprical reductio ad absurdum disproof of the hypothesis that standards are not possible. And if they are possible, then it's a very short distance to "desireable" and "achieveable," and at least in the neighborhood of "enforceable."
So, what would subbie "boot camp" consist of? I think it's fairly clear that the sexual stuff, by and large, isn't worth training for. Aside from a very basic knowledge of anatomy, and certain basic aspepcts of physical training, the uniqueness monster is way too formidable to make "How to Eat Pussy" a worthwhile "class." In the non-sexual arena . . . I can see where a sub knowing how to make a bed or fold a T-shirt is a useful thing, or knowing that fabric softener doesn't go in the pot roast, etc. But do those really require a formalized "training?" They are more or less average adult skills (to varying degrees, of course). And, since there is no government without the consent of the governed and no "school" without a minimally engaged student body, I find it hard to imagine "subbie school" that consisted of "how to iron" and "the handling of delicate washables" a very rewarding educational experience for the typcial submissive. (As saratoga has writen, learning those things at the behest of one's Owner, however, is a totally different thing.)
So, no "subbie boot camp" cirriculum immediately and convincingly suggests itself. No help there, and that lack of such lends a bit more support to the "no standards" argument.
The "light," as it were, in this muddle, is a two-part sort of answer. And that is:
In a 1-on-1 situation, there is comparatively little value to a submissive having been trained by Another (little value to the current Owner and thus by extension to the submissive). But, where (if?) there is or could be a community, then standards and training can have significant value.
Why? Because any community runs more smoothly where there are agreed-upon (or least assented-to) norms. These norms define interactions between people who don't know each other intimately and allow all parties to function with at least surface safety and harmony.
Our daily vanilla lives are full of them, many of which we have never explicitly been taught and don't think about but which we know instantly and expect others to also. Example. You are waiting for a elevator. The doors open. There is one other person you don't know, already in the elevator. You enter the elevator and push your button. Now, everyone knows you don't stand six inches from the other person. You don't stand facing the other person. You don't sit down. Etc., etc. There are probably 50 "rules" about riding elevators that we all know intimately without ever having been taught them.
Now, elevators are fairly simple. As the interactions get more complex, it's necessary to write them down, analyze them, and undertake specialized training in order to understand them. We all know that "a deal's a deal," but there are lawyers who specialize in contracts because "deals" in the modern world can take on a complexity far beyond what our native "knowledge" of them can encompass. Society reognizes that complexity by not letting those who haven't passed the bar exam practice contract law.
D/s is, similarly, a highly complex set of interactions (again, this is a community setting we're discussing here -- whether such community does or can exist is a separate question). The norms are going to differ greatly in such a setting (perhaps submisisves kneel in elevators in this community?) and complexity and difference from what one's accustomed to are two strong arguments for formalized training.
It's a small thing to have salvaged from the whole issue, because D/s communities are rare, of course. For Me it was important, though, becasue while I endorse the "big tent," and judge no one's kink, etc., I do worry about any field of endeavor where the practice becomes so unique, so esoteric, so "roll your own" that there is no commonality at all.
Interestingly enough, on-line is the closest thing there is for most people to a D/s community. What norms I seek and enforce in that arena (and why) is the subject of another post.
YouTube Tuesday: Extraordinary
Remember when music videos didn't have to be $3 million mini-movies? Or the time when music videos existed for some reason other than as promotional tool for some other form of entertainment?
Today's youtube Tuesday feature is an alternate version of "Extraordinary" by Liz Phair. This is an alternate version -- a black-and-white low budget rendering of Liz just well . . . singing her song. The "official" video is largely a promo for the movie "Raising Helen," and while it has some cool effects and such, there's something about one of one's favorite songs, simply rendered, no bogus story line, no movie tie-in, no 3-week location shoots or cameos by various and sundry B-list celebrities, that can't be beat.
This video is simple, and like the song, simply extraordinary.
Today's youtube Tuesday feature is an alternate version of "Extraordinary" by Liz Phair. This is an alternate version -- a black-and-white low budget rendering of Liz just well . . . singing her song. The "official" video is largely a promo for the movie "Raising Helen," and while it has some cool effects and such, there's something about one of one's favorite songs, simply rendered, no bogus story line, no movie tie-in, no 3-week location shoots or cameos by various and sundry B-list celebrities, that can't be beat.
This video is simple, and like the song, simply extraordinary.
About Pain, Part 1
saratoga has a nice recent post about pain play. Some semi-rambling thoughts on the subject.
I'll start out by saying that I don't "get" sadism. That is, I derive no particular thrill from the infliction of pain in and of itself. But that said, pain play has a lot going for it in My mind, still.
Pain, for Me, is a gateway -- in those moments when the submissive is focused on taking all that she can, on taking as much as she thinks I want to give, something magical can happen. The submissive (and Me, by extension) can move beyond the here and now -- her into what some call "subspace" and Me into "Topspace," for lack of better words. At those moments, it can become a communion between Owner and owned that, as a true voyage into the unknown, is more encompassing, deeper, than seems rationally possible.
In terms I've used in earlier posts about the spiritual side of things, pain is, for Me, another way of "cracking the shell" . . . or opening it further. And as such its value can't be underestimated. Which tool(s) get used when is a function of the circumstance, time, and the individual personalities and quirks of the people involved.
Given that, a true pain slut is not going to find Me very satisfying. Once it becomes obvious to Me that the submissive is chasing her own singular desire ahead of the shared, guided goal, that's the end of the pain I'm dispensing (at least the physical kind). Note that I am not condemning anyone here -- we all need what we need and I support anyone's sane and considerate efforts to get that. Being with a pain slut makes Me feel like a ProDomme, and that's something I'd rather not feel like (especially for free! :) )
I should also differentiate punishment from pain play. A number of spanking-oriented blogs seem to use the terms interchangibly. That's understandable, given the orientation of those blogs. But for Me, the two are inherently different:
Pain Play is 1) the discretionary use of pain by Me as a means to addressing the deeper connection between Owner and owned, or 2) serves a non-corrective "educational" purpose.
Punishment is the direct expression of My displeasure. It involves pain but there is no "pleasure" involved in the dispensing or receiving of it.
I think My girls can attest that it's unmistakeable which is which, when. (I should add that I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to punish them.)
More another time.
I'll start out by saying that I don't "get" sadism. That is, I derive no particular thrill from the infliction of pain in and of itself. But that said, pain play has a lot going for it in My mind, still.
Pain, for Me, is a gateway -- in those moments when the submissive is focused on taking all that she can, on taking as much as she thinks I want to give, something magical can happen. The submissive (and Me, by extension) can move beyond the here and now -- her into what some call "subspace" and Me into "Topspace," for lack of better words. At those moments, it can become a communion between Owner and owned that, as a true voyage into the unknown, is more encompassing, deeper, than seems rationally possible.
In terms I've used in earlier posts about the spiritual side of things, pain is, for Me, another way of "cracking the shell" . . . or opening it further. And as such its value can't be underestimated. Which tool(s) get used when is a function of the circumstance, time, and the individual personalities and quirks of the people involved.
Given that, a true pain slut is not going to find Me very satisfying. Once it becomes obvious to Me that the submissive is chasing her own singular desire ahead of the shared, guided goal, that's the end of the pain I'm dispensing (at least the physical kind). Note that I am not condemning anyone here -- we all need what we need and I support anyone's sane and considerate efforts to get that. Being with a pain slut makes Me feel like a ProDomme, and that's something I'd rather not feel like (especially for free! :) )
I should also differentiate punishment from pain play. A number of spanking-oriented blogs seem to use the terms interchangibly. That's understandable, given the orientation of those blogs. But for Me, the two are inherently different:
Pain Play is 1) the discretionary use of pain by Me as a means to addressing the deeper connection between Owner and owned, or 2) serves a non-corrective "educational" purpose.
Punishment is the direct expression of My displeasure. It involves pain but there is no "pleasure" involved in the dispensing or receiving of it.
I think My girls can attest that it's unmistakeable which is which, when. (I should add that I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to punish them.)
More another time.
YouTube Tuesday: Ritual
This week's installment of youtube Tuesday is from paperlillies, a young British woman. This video is a sped-up clip of her putting on and then taking off heavy makeup, inspired to try a geisha-type look by Memoirs of a Geisha.
There is something oddly compelling, and even more oddly, relaxing about this short video. Perhaps it's the music. Somehow, the sped-up motion doesn't feel cartoony, as fast motion video often does. But it ends up being a fascinating peek inside another's world, a tiny slice of life that reveals nothing, per se, but somehow the viewer comes away with something. An amazing little piece of work. Enjoy . . .
There is something oddly compelling, and even more oddly, relaxing about this short video. Perhaps it's the music. Somehow, the sped-up motion doesn't feel cartoony, as fast motion video often does. But it ends up being a fascinating peek inside another's world, a tiny slice of life that reveals nothing, per se, but somehow the viewer comes away with something. An amazing little piece of work. Enjoy . . .
Who I Never Knew
I came upon a blog today that consists entirely of the following single post:
I deleted it and then I felt bad, but deleting it was symbolic I suppose.
Talking here about my hopes and dreams was just leaving me frustrated. No point on dwelling on something you can never have.
So I've decided I have to try and move on. To try and bury my hopes and dreams. To try and live as that grey creature in that grey world from before I let myself dream. I don't see that I have any choice.
I just wanted to thank the nice people who offered me their kindness and friendship. I do appreciate it more than you know.
It's at times like this that I realize that this massive soup of information, emotion, experience, intellect, opinion, whining, nastiness, joy, hope, love, and rampant PMS that is the BlogVerse includes not only the known (those we've come to "know" in some sense through their words here), the unknown (those we don't know yet), but also the unknowable -- those we will never know, not because they didn't give us the chance, but because they winked out, a little star in the sky one night, suddenly gone the next.
Now this isn't necessarily an earth-shattering insight, to be sure . . . but it stays with Me. In a real sense I "miss" what I've never had to the chance to know (or at least the chance to figure out if I wanted to know). Silly, perhaps, but there you have it.
As for the actual "blog" itself, I've talked before about "What's Left Behind," and how I don't think it's raelly possible to, as she (I'm guessing the author is female) put it, to "live as that grey creature in that grey world from before I let myself dream." There's no putting the toothpaste back into the tube. Perhaps, for her, putting it all aside is a necessary step, something that has to happen right now . . . I personally choose to believe that that's the case.
And, in the spirit of "lessons are everywhere," I stop and realize that even the words that almost no one reads have an impact, that they matter, in some way . . . we are often caught up in a quest to understand how they matter, when the wisest course, to Me, seems to be to work at being content with the knowledge that they do matter, and to not need constant tangible evidence of such to hold onto that knowledge. Not an easy task . . .
Whoever you are, whoever you were, might have been . . . what you will be is really all that matters now. Perhaps next time I will have the chance to know you.
"I didnt mean to take up all your sweet time
I'll give it right back to ya one of these days
I said I didnt mean to take up all your sweet time
I'll give it right back one of these days
If I dont meet you no more in this world then
Ill meet ya in the next one
And dont be late
Dont be late . . . "
--Jimi Hendrix, "Voodoo Child"
* * *
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I had a blog about submission and spanking
with about 60 or so posts and lots of lovely comments from nice people.I deleted it and then I felt bad, but deleting it was symbolic I suppose.
Talking here about my hopes and dreams was just leaving me frustrated. No point on dwelling on something you can never have.
So I've decided I have to try and move on. To try and bury my hopes and dreams. To try and live as that grey creature in that grey world from before I let myself dream. I don't see that I have any choice.
I just wanted to thank the nice people who offered me their kindness and friendship. I do appreciate it more than you know.
* * *
It's at times like this that I realize that this massive soup of information, emotion, experience, intellect, opinion, whining, nastiness, joy, hope, love, and rampant PMS that is the BlogVerse includes not only the known (those we've come to "know" in some sense through their words here), the unknown (those we don't know yet), but also the unknowable -- those we will never know, not because they didn't give us the chance, but because they winked out, a little star in the sky one night, suddenly gone the next.
Now this isn't necessarily an earth-shattering insight, to be sure . . . but it stays with Me. In a real sense I "miss" what I've never had to the chance to know (or at least the chance to figure out if I wanted to know). Silly, perhaps, but there you have it.
As for the actual "blog" itself, I've talked before about "What's Left Behind," and how I don't think it's raelly possible to, as she (I'm guessing the author is female) put it, to "live as that grey creature in that grey world from before I let myself dream." There's no putting the toothpaste back into the tube. Perhaps, for her, putting it all aside is a necessary step, something that has to happen right now . . . I personally choose to believe that that's the case.
And, in the spirit of "lessons are everywhere," I stop and realize that even the words that almost no one reads have an impact, that they matter, in some way . . . we are often caught up in a quest to understand how they matter, when the wisest course, to Me, seems to be to work at being content with the knowledge that they do matter, and to not need constant tangible evidence of such to hold onto that knowledge. Not an easy task . . .
Whoever you are, whoever you were, might have been . . . what you will be is really all that matters now. Perhaps next time I will have the chance to know you.
"I didnt mean to take up all your sweet time
I'll give it right back to ya one of these days
I said I didnt mean to take up all your sweet time
I'll give it right back one of these days
If I dont meet you no more in this world then
Ill meet ya in the next one
And dont be late
Dont be late . . . "
--Jimi Hendrix, "Voodoo Child"
New Link
New Link: Mistress Sky. She was kind enough to mention that She enjoyed My little foray into detective fiction. That's good enough for me.
* * *
Nothing very important or thought-provoking suggests itself. It's a hot, lazy weekend. I hope all are well.
YouTube Tuesday: BDSM Video Blogging
This week's installment of youtube Tuesday presents alyssium, a submissive girl who's posted more than 50 videos to youtube. In this video she addresses various qeustions she received from viewers and talks about some personal preferences.
I love this series not necessarily for the content, per se, (although alyssium does in other videos dispense some very good common sense and BDSM-related safety information) but because it shows another way in which things like youtube are so valuable: Here is a girl with a story to tell, and that story is going to be important/interesting to some people. It's nothing one will ever see on big-dollar TV (while the content certainly wouldn't scare off HBO, it's just not "sexy" enough), and yet, it's something a lot of people should see, might want to see. And, wonderfully . . . there it is. And here it is.
I love this series not necessarily for the content, per se, (although alyssium does in other videos dispense some very good common sense and BDSM-related safety information) but because it shows another way in which things like youtube are so valuable: Here is a girl with a story to tell, and that story is going to be important/interesting to some people. It's nothing one will ever see on big-dollar TV (while the content certainly wouldn't scare off HBO, it's just not "sexy" enough), and yet, it's something a lot of people should see, might want to see. And, wonderfully . . . there it is. And here it is.
* * *
New Link: Mistress Nahemah. Very much worth a look. And thanks to Nahemah for picking up the youtube Tuesday habit.
A Reminder
I got an e-mail from saratoga this morning in which he shared some comments he'd received from a reader of his blog. he was sharing the comments with Me because he was astounded, pleasantly so, at the degree to which his blog seems to have had a very real influence in changing this particular reader's life.
It was a good reminder to get. Often, I fall into the trap of wondering if anyone's out there. I've written before about how what I think is a very heady, deep, rich, post will garner no comments and a little fluff piece or a picture will get several. saratoga's e-mail reminds Me that the power exists in the ability to put one's thoughts out there and have them instantly accessible all over the world, and not necessarily in the feedback one gets. There is an "iceberg" effect . . . some readers will comment or e-mail, but that doesn't mean that those who don't comment weren't touched, made to think, etc. And that latter group is the much larger contingent.
Spritual Aspects, Part 9: On Seeking
[Note: I had to turn on the word verification thing for comments after 52 spam comments yesterday. I have to wonder . . . does the insurance industry endorse the practice of generating leads by sapmming blogs?]
swan wrote yesteray, very eloquently, about (among other things) "seeking." From her post:
"I've come to sense that maybe, my path is quieter than some. Maybe it is similar to something that happened to my spiritual walk a few years back:
For years, I'd seen myself as a "spiritual seeker." Then one day, I came to understand that I'd gotten hooked on the SEEKING. I started to notice that it no longer mattered what I was looking for, it was the act of seeking that was driving me... I began to wonder if there would come a point in the spiritual questing when I might FIND whatever IT was, and if, at that point, it would be appropriate to QUIT seeking. That realization seemed to quiet my heart, spiritually, and settle me into a place that ended much of the frantic looking for truth that had preceeded it."
There is an important truth for Me swan's statements above. But I need to backtrack a little bit in order to really discuss it clearly.
I take the following statements as axioms. I certainly can't "prove" them to anyone else's satisfaction. But for Me the following are basic truths. How and why that is . . . is well, another story, a long one.
1. There is an underlying order to the universe that extends beyond what is discoverable by rational/scientific means.
2. The "mundane" world that we see and interact with on a daily basis is a relfection of a part of that underlying order. That is, the world we see/feel/smell/touch/think about is a partial image of that order, not the order itself. And that image is affected/distorted by our perceptions of it.
3. There is a value in seeking to know/understand what that order is.
4. Understanding that order implies the possibility of moving beyond certain boundries that we have come to accept as final and unalterable.
Given all that, the desire to seek can be (one might argue should be) overwhelming. And often it is. And, as swan wrote about above, it feels really good. And that it feels really good is both the hook, and, often, the downfall.
Because what I've found is that when our thoughts and actions become addictive/obsessive, one is pushed further from the thing one was trying to understand, even when the thing sought is in and of itself beautiful, positive, uplifting, powerful, all-encomapssing, and amazing.
What a cruel irony! Why should this be so?
Well, part of it has to do with Axiom #2, above. If our perceptions can affect/distort the "surface order," then it's not that much of a stretch to say that those perceptions in large part create and maintain the surface order. If our thoughts and perceptions nourish the thing that's masking the thing we are truly seeking, then thinking about it more makes the obstacle(s) to true understanding bigger. The "quieter path" swan writes of is the essence of the way, the slow, almost imperceptibly advancing way, towards that bigger understanding.
Another aspect is just, well . . . human nature. We are creatures of action, at base. We are trained from birth to affect our surroundings, not just to be in them. (Not to veer off into Venus and Mars territory, but it's worth noting that while the two sexes typcially are conditioned to take different kinds of actions in the world, what unites the sexes -- being creatures of action -- is far greater than what divides them.) So, to "just be" is not a natural or comfortable sensation for most people. And, it should be said, in the long run, not productive to arriving at that deeper understanding anyway. But the compulsion to act, again, often feeds the thing that's hiding the underlying order from us.
So there's a fine line. One must seek, and what is sought, in this realm, is the single most important thing one can hope to discover. But the seeking can't become an end in of itself, else we will find ourselves inexorably, subtly pushed away from where we thought we were going. Where exactly is that fine line? I can confidently say that I have absoluely no idea. Hopefully knowing that there is a line will enable Me to someday find it.
Thanks, swan, for an inspiring post at a time when it was much needed.
swan wrote yesteray, very eloquently, about (among other things) "seeking." From her post:
"I've come to sense that maybe, my path is quieter than some. Maybe it is similar to something that happened to my spiritual walk a few years back:
For years, I'd seen myself as a "spiritual seeker." Then one day, I came to understand that I'd gotten hooked on the SEEKING. I started to notice that it no longer mattered what I was looking for, it was the act of seeking that was driving me... I began to wonder if there would come a point in the spiritual questing when I might FIND whatever IT was, and if, at that point, it would be appropriate to QUIT seeking. That realization seemed to quiet my heart, spiritually, and settle me into a place that ended much of the frantic looking for truth that had preceeded it."
There is an important truth for Me swan's statements above. But I need to backtrack a little bit in order to really discuss it clearly.
I take the following statements as axioms. I certainly can't "prove" them to anyone else's satisfaction. But for Me the following are basic truths. How and why that is . . . is well, another story, a long one.
1. There is an underlying order to the universe that extends beyond what is discoverable by rational/scientific means.
2. The "mundane" world that we see and interact with on a daily basis is a relfection of a part of that underlying order. That is, the world we see/feel/smell/touch/think about is a partial image of that order, not the order itself. And that image is affected/distorted by our perceptions of it.
3. There is a value in seeking to know/understand what that order is.
4. Understanding that order implies the possibility of moving beyond certain boundries that we have come to accept as final and unalterable.
Given all that, the desire to seek can be (one might argue should be) overwhelming. And often it is. And, as swan wrote about above, it feels really good. And that it feels really good is both the hook, and, often, the downfall.
Because what I've found is that when our thoughts and actions become addictive/obsessive, one is pushed further from the thing one was trying to understand, even when the thing sought is in and of itself beautiful, positive, uplifting, powerful, all-encomapssing, and amazing.
What a cruel irony! Why should this be so?
Well, part of it has to do with Axiom #2, above. If our perceptions can affect/distort the "surface order," then it's not that much of a stretch to say that those perceptions in large part create and maintain the surface order. If our thoughts and perceptions nourish the thing that's masking the thing we are truly seeking, then thinking about it more makes the obstacle(s) to true understanding bigger. The "quieter path" swan writes of is the essence of the way, the slow, almost imperceptibly advancing way, towards that bigger understanding.
Another aspect is just, well . . . human nature. We are creatures of action, at base. We are trained from birth to affect our surroundings, not just to be in them. (Not to veer off into Venus and Mars territory, but it's worth noting that while the two sexes typcially are conditioned to take different kinds of actions in the world, what unites the sexes -- being creatures of action -- is far greater than what divides them.) So, to "just be" is not a natural or comfortable sensation for most people. And, it should be said, in the long run, not productive to arriving at that deeper understanding anyway. But the compulsion to act, again, often feeds the thing that's hiding the underlying order from us.
So there's a fine line. One must seek, and what is sought, in this realm, is the single most important thing one can hope to discover. But the seeking can't become an end in of itself, else we will find ourselves inexorably, subtly pushed away from where we thought we were going. Where exactly is that fine line? I can confidently say that I have absoluely no idea. Hopefully knowing that there is a line will enable Me to someday find it.
Thanks, swan, for an inspiring post at a time when it was much needed.
A New Thing
I enjoy the way that certain ideas have proliferated in blogville. Half-Naked Tuesday, for example, seems very popular in the sex-related blogging arena.
Well, posting half or partially naked photos of Myself on here is not My idea of a good time, but I am feeling left out. So My idea is . . .
Youtube Tuesday. Every Tuesday, I'll pick a videio on youtube that I enjoy and would like to share here, and I'll embed it. It won't necessarily be sex or D/s-related -- just something that I think is cool/funny/insightful whatever.
If other bloggers think youtube Tuesday is a good idea, by all means, pick up the habit.
For the inaugural entry -- a very cute, very well done live-action remake of the opening sequence of The Simpsons.
Well, posting half or partially naked photos of Myself on here is not My idea of a good time, but I am feeling left out. So My idea is . . .
Youtube Tuesday. Every Tuesday, I'll pick a videio on youtube that I enjoy and would like to share here, and I'll embed it. It won't necessarily be sex or D/s-related -- just something that I think is cool/funny/insightful whatever.
If other bloggers think youtube Tuesday is a good idea, by all means, pick up the habit.
For the inaugural entry -- a very cute, very well done live-action remake of the opening sequence of The Simpsons.
Intimacy
I just read a post on Avah's blog about intimacy, and how elusive it seems to be for her.
For Me, this is perhaps the single biggest, most irresistable draw of D/s -- the intimacy. Both the physical intimacy and the emotional/spiritual intimacy. And most importantly, how they mix.
Physically, D/s can open certain doors of intimacy that vanilla sex can't. Because the physical aspects of D/s, while they almost always do encompass sex at times, include so much more. And not just pain, this is an important point (the intimacy of pain is another entire post on its own). Not all D/s relationships include a lot of pain play. But the physical aspects aside from pain -- how it feels to kneel, for instance. How it feels to practice the kneeling posture that the Other finds most pleasing, the actual physical sensations one feels as one's muscles and limbs slowly conform and begin to remember how to arrange themselves, can be a silent intimacy of incredible power. Or perhaps the submissive is simply doing something at the behest of the other that is physical -- working out, washing the car, straining on tiptoes to dust a high shelf -- there is the potential in any of those acts and many others to feel a deep physical intimacy with the Other, even if the Other is not physically present at the time.
And of course that physical intimacy can't and doesn't exist in a vacuum. The mind is engaged as one practices one's kneel, as one plans and executes assigned activities. There is a true dialouge between mind and body at those times -- the submissive frame of mind drives the body to be as perfect as it can in completion of what it has been assigned to do, and the body in turn drives the mind as the physical sensations push the mind deeper. A drop of salty sweat runs down your face and into your mouth as you wash the car on a warm July morning, and you can taste your submission in that tiny sensation. The taste of intimacy.
This isn't to imply that it's easy. There are a million things that can distract one, not all of them controllable. Sometimes washing the car is just washing to car. That struggle to make it feel like more, to remember that it's more, is the essence of D/s for the submissive, and like all struggles there will be fits and starts.
When the submissive is serving more directly, it can be much easier. Rubbing the other's feet, for instance, can be a powerful intimacy -- the physical sensations, the multi-sensory interchange as One progressively relaxes more and more and the other falls deeper into the act of simple service, drive each other, and the results can border on the orgasmic, both phyisically and emotionally.
Intimacy can be hard to define, and elusive. In a strong D/s relationship, it is always just in the background; the tiniest, seemingly trivial thing can make it suddenly explode from the background and fill both parties with a glow that's impossible to describe in words.
For Me, this is perhaps the single biggest, most irresistable draw of D/s -- the intimacy. Both the physical intimacy and the emotional/spiritual intimacy. And most importantly, how they mix.
Physically, D/s can open certain doors of intimacy that vanilla sex can't. Because the physical aspects of D/s, while they almost always do encompass sex at times, include so much more. And not just pain, this is an important point (the intimacy of pain is another entire post on its own). Not all D/s relationships include a lot of pain play. But the physical aspects aside from pain -- how it feels to kneel, for instance. How it feels to practice the kneeling posture that the Other finds most pleasing, the actual physical sensations one feels as one's muscles and limbs slowly conform and begin to remember how to arrange themselves, can be a silent intimacy of incredible power. Or perhaps the submissive is simply doing something at the behest of the other that is physical -- working out, washing the car, straining on tiptoes to dust a high shelf -- there is the potential in any of those acts and many others to feel a deep physical intimacy with the Other, even if the Other is not physically present at the time.
And of course that physical intimacy can't and doesn't exist in a vacuum. The mind is engaged as one practices one's kneel, as one plans and executes assigned activities. There is a true dialouge between mind and body at those times -- the submissive frame of mind drives the body to be as perfect as it can in completion of what it has been assigned to do, and the body in turn drives the mind as the physical sensations push the mind deeper. A drop of salty sweat runs down your face and into your mouth as you wash the car on a warm July morning, and you can taste your submission in that tiny sensation. The taste of intimacy.
This isn't to imply that it's easy. There are a million things that can distract one, not all of them controllable. Sometimes washing the car is just washing to car. That struggle to make it feel like more, to remember that it's more, is the essence of D/s for the submissive, and like all struggles there will be fits and starts.
When the submissive is serving more directly, it can be much easier. Rubbing the other's feet, for instance, can be a powerful intimacy -- the physical sensations, the multi-sensory interchange as One progressively relaxes more and more and the other falls deeper into the act of simple service, drive each other, and the results can border on the orgasmic, both phyisically and emotionally.
Intimacy can be hard to define, and elusive. In a strong D/s relationship, it is always just in the background; the tiniest, seemingly trivial thing can make it suddenly explode from the background and fill both parties with a glow that's impossible to describe in words.
IRC BDSM 101
I spend a lot of time in a BDSM chatroom, and I run it. In the spirit of providing a public service, here's some helpful hints for those considering venturing into the world of BDSM on-line.
1. A Rose is a rose is a rose, but shit still stinks. Meaning, choose your name carefully.
A. Trolling nicks like HOT_10inches_4U, i_luv_cum_salad, cbt-boy22, etc., aren't going to cut it. One hopes to have fun but at the same time not be taken as a complete moron on first sight.
B. Don't get too serious/intense/dramatic with your name. A name like MasterOfAllISurvey, TheaterOfDeath, DivaUltraSupreme, etc., will induce a lot of eye-rolling and a lot of skepticism. Lighten up -- it's a chatroom, not Judgement Day.
C. One might take a name like one of those above as a joke, but that's a potenitally risky strategy. Text chat is the flattest of all media -- the words on the screen take on ultimate importance, since tone of voice, body language, and visual cues are absent. The best course is to pick a name that represents the real you.
D. Similiarly, I've see people use nicks that they seek to "live down," like total_brat_NY or ThoughtlessBastard. Again, it's generally not advisable. On-line first impressions are more or less indelible; a lot of people won't want to know you based solely on that. Fair? No. The way it is? Yes.
2. People care about your problems -- once they know you a little. Sometimes I see people pop into a room for the very first time and immediately launch into a deeply personal/very intense conversation with the total strangers in the room. Here's a handy guide: Cancer, mental illness, and evil people chasing you are not good ice-breakers. Most people hearing a tales like that, cold, will assume you are a complete fraud, doing research on a term paper, or just insufferably rude.
3. You don't have to jump in with both feet, but you do to have get somewhere near the pool. My room tends to be a friendly place -- when people come in we say hello. No one expects a new visitor in a strange place to carry the conversational weight, and even an action like "withdrawn_girl slips in and finds a quet corner" isn't a problem (although you might be gently encouraged to come out of said corner and join the conversation). But at a certain point, lurking is a dead end -- others can only get to know you to the extent that you let that happen. Some channels will kick people for "parking" (idling) too long; I as a rule don't, although after an hour or so I might draw a chalk outline around your fallen body and call in the Medical Examiner.
4. Your body is beautiful. Really. Sometimes, submisives, especially, find themselves in a position to describe themselves . . . this aids others in getting an image of you. Some things to bear in mind.
A. Guys: The average penis size, erect, is 6.5 inches (and that's towards the high end of average). Embellish a little but keep it semi-real. The average IQ is 100. You don't have a 200 IQ and you don't have a 13-inch dong. If you actually are a freak of nature like that, say 8 inches so it's believeable and lament in your private moments that true artists are never recognized in their own time.
B. Girls: OK, I get it. You actually are the one woman on-line who's 5' 11",120, 36C-22-34. with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and flawless skin. Throw in some little defect to make it seem semi-real ("i have a lot of freckles" might be ok) . . . and if you really are that perfect, console yourself with the knowledge of how good you have it. (Bitch.)
5. Careful where you step. It's said that strangers should never talk about sex, religion, or politics. Well, given that this is a BDSM chatroom, "sex" tends to come up a lot. But politics are religion are best kept well clear of. The less well one knows a given collection of people the "safer" the conversational topics should be.
6. Stream of consciousness worked for James Joyce; you ain't him. Sometimes a guest will be seemingly wrapped up in his or her personal monolouge, sending posts out scattershot with no regard as to whether they're germane or even being minimally acknowledged. This is rude, annoying, and shows a complete lack of undestanding of the most basic conversational norms.
7. It's not fair. Simply put, you don't get to piss off the Ops and live to tell about it. You might not like it, it might offend some deep-seated sense of fair play that you have. All I can say about that is: Tough Darts. Now, sometimes there are people who attempt to intentionally piss off an Op to see how long it will take them to get kicked, or something. As entertainment, this is right up there with putting your tongue on a steel door in the wintertime. It's juvenile. You're better than that, even if you don't realize it yet.
8. It's not fair, Part 2. Many rooms have a set of "rules," either on their website or available while in the room. It's always a good idea to read these. It will not only help you decide if the room you're in is the right one for you, it will also prevent you from giving offense out of ignorance of what are generally simple straightforward things.
9. They're there to help. In most rooms, you'll find the Ops knowledgeable and helpful. Usually they can make your visit more enjoyable and positive.
10. It's an adult place. Congrats on cracking the NetNanny password. But please, if you're not 18, don't come around.
There's lots more to say but that's the end of the Public Service Announcement. Have fun and be careful out there.
Housekeeping note: New Link, The Naked Eye. This guy's thing is photographing naked people (with their knowledge/consent). I don't see too much cross-audience between that blog and this one, but it's a big tent here at #TEPB; he links to Me (thanks), so there you have it.
1. A Rose is a rose is a rose, but shit still stinks. Meaning, choose your name carefully.
A. Trolling nicks like HOT_10inches_4U, i_luv_cum_salad, cbt-boy22, etc., aren't going to cut it. One hopes to have fun but at the same time not be taken as a complete moron on first sight.
B. Don't get too serious/intense/dramatic with your name. A name like MasterOfAllISurvey, TheaterOfDeath, DivaUltraSupreme, etc., will induce a lot of eye-rolling and a lot of skepticism. Lighten up -- it's a chatroom, not Judgement Day.
C. One might take a name like one of those above as a joke, but that's a potenitally risky strategy. Text chat is the flattest of all media -- the words on the screen take on ultimate importance, since tone of voice, body language, and visual cues are absent. The best course is to pick a name that represents the real you.
D. Similiarly, I've see people use nicks that they seek to "live down," like total_brat_NY or ThoughtlessBastard. Again, it's generally not advisable. On-line first impressions are more or less indelible; a lot of people won't want to know you based solely on that. Fair? No. The way it is? Yes.
2. People care about your problems -- once they know you a little. Sometimes I see people pop into a room for the very first time and immediately launch into a deeply personal/very intense conversation with the total strangers in the room. Here's a handy guide: Cancer, mental illness, and evil people chasing you are not good ice-breakers. Most people hearing a tales like that, cold, will assume you are a complete fraud, doing research on a term paper, or just insufferably rude.
3. You don't have to jump in with both feet, but you do to have get somewhere near the pool. My room tends to be a friendly place -- when people come in we say hello. No one expects a new visitor in a strange place to carry the conversational weight, and even an action like "withdrawn_girl slips in and finds a quet corner" isn't a problem (although you might be gently encouraged to come out of said corner and join the conversation). But at a certain point, lurking is a dead end -- others can only get to know you to the extent that you let that happen. Some channels will kick people for "parking" (idling) too long; I as a rule don't, although after an hour or so I might draw a chalk outline around your fallen body and call in the Medical Examiner.
4. Your body is beautiful. Really. Sometimes, submisives, especially, find themselves in a position to describe themselves . . . this aids others in getting an image of you. Some things to bear in mind.
A. Guys: The average penis size, erect, is 6.5 inches (and that's towards the high end of average). Embellish a little but keep it semi-real. The average IQ is 100. You don't have a 200 IQ and you don't have a 13-inch dong. If you actually are a freak of nature like that, say 8 inches so it's believeable and lament in your private moments that true artists are never recognized in their own time.
B. Girls: OK, I get it. You actually are the one woman on-line who's 5' 11",120, 36C-22-34. with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and flawless skin. Throw in some little defect to make it seem semi-real ("i have a lot of freckles" might be ok) . . . and if you really are that perfect, console yourself with the knowledge of how good you have it. (Bitch.)
5. Careful where you step. It's said that strangers should never talk about sex, religion, or politics. Well, given that this is a BDSM chatroom, "sex" tends to come up a lot. But politics are religion are best kept well clear of. The less well one knows a given collection of people the "safer" the conversational topics should be.
6. Stream of consciousness worked for James Joyce; you ain't him. Sometimes a guest will be seemingly wrapped up in his or her personal monolouge, sending posts out scattershot with no regard as to whether they're germane or even being minimally acknowledged. This is rude, annoying, and shows a complete lack of undestanding of the most basic conversational norms.
7. It's not fair. Simply put, you don't get to piss off the Ops and live to tell about it. You might not like it, it might offend some deep-seated sense of fair play that you have. All I can say about that is: Tough Darts. Now, sometimes there are people who attempt to intentionally piss off an Op to see how long it will take them to get kicked, or something. As entertainment, this is right up there with putting your tongue on a steel door in the wintertime. It's juvenile. You're better than that, even if you don't realize it yet.
8. It's not fair, Part 2. Many rooms have a set of "rules," either on their website or available while in the room. It's always a good idea to read these. It will not only help you decide if the room you're in is the right one for you, it will also prevent you from giving offense out of ignorance of what are generally simple straightforward things.
9. They're there to help. In most rooms, you'll find the Ops knowledgeable and helpful. Usually they can make your visit more enjoyable and positive.
10. It's an adult place. Congrats on cracking the NetNanny password. But please, if you're not 18, don't come around.
There's lots more to say but that's the end of the Public Service Announcement. Have fun and be careful out there.
Housekeeping note: New Link, The Naked Eye. This guy's thing is photographing naked people (with their knowledge/consent). I don't see too much cross-audience between that blog and this one, but it's a big tent here at #TEPB; he links to Me (thanks), so there you have it.
New Link
sub french joins the pantheon of links. I found out that she was linked to Me via sitemeter. Again, if anyone out there is linked to Me and you're not listed over there (--->) please let Me know and you too can enjoy the luxuriously decadent feeling of being linked to from The #Enchanted Palms Blog.
Also, I got a mention on something called The BDSM Library, which, from what I can tell is a BDSM message board. I do plan to explore it further and I'll let you know if I find much of value there.
In other news, life goes on. Work is work -- it sucks in more or less equal measure to the times it feels rewarding (talking to other people I guess I should be grateful for that ratio). storm and iris are wonderful and beautiful and sexy as ever, and every day I marvel at their submission, their devotion, their ability to make Me laugh, to make Me feel better, and to make Me feel lucky and blessed every day to have them. I love them so much.
More soon . . .
Also, I got a mention on something called The BDSM Library, which, from what I can tell is a BDSM message board. I do plan to explore it further and I'll let you know if I find much of value there.
In other news, life goes on. Work is work -- it sucks in more or less equal measure to the times it feels rewarding (talking to other people I guess I should be grateful for that ratio). storm and iris are wonderful and beautiful and sexy as ever, and every day I marvel at their submission, their devotion, their ability to make Me laugh, to make Me feel better, and to make Me feel lucky and blessed every day to have them. I love them so much.More soon . . .
YouTube: Everybody Is A Star
I'm often late to the game but I usually end up with a decent seat (I guess I absorbed something all those times My father bribed Yankee Stadium ushers to let us move down to the box seats).
youtube has got My attention. For those as behind the curve as I am, youtube is like a video version of Photobucket. You sign up (free), then upload your videos.
Browsing around youtube you find all sorts of things. Video blogs, ridiculous stunts, Diet Coke and Mentos (go see for yourself), rants, people dancing, people acting stupid, clips from TV shows, music videos, bondage clips, sporting events, people praising their friends and dissing their rivals, politcial opinions, and on and on and on. And it's all searchable (a mixed blessing since many uploaders have added lots of non-apropos tags, so most searches are going to return a lot of irrelevant results).
The qaulity (picture quality and content quality) varies wildly of course. There are videos shot from cell phones, digital cameras, webcams, camcorders, TV captures. And, as in any unrestricted marketplace of creativity, there are plenty of people whose lack of anything meaningful to say doesn't stop them from putting it out there. There are youtube stars, youtube groupies, youtube addicts, youtube haters, and everything in between. I've seen stupid 3-second clips of people laughing like idiots, as in "I can't belive we're doing this!" But I've also seen a brilliant adaptation of Van Halen's "Right Now" video, based on anime characters. I've seen sophmoric excuses to say dirty words on the internet, but I've seen some very talented video manipulations, too, people showing real talent and creativity.
No discussion of this would be complete with mention of the "c" word. (That's copyright -- get your minds out of the gutter! Sheesh!) From what I gather, yuotube doesn't prevent you from uploading something that might be subject to copyright. But if/when the rights holder says take it down, they take it down. Simple enough. And what I'm hoping happens is that commercial interests see that there is more value to their material being out there on youtube and being seen for "free" then there is in enforcing a copyright for the sake of enforcing it. Case in point -- the other night I watched the full-length version of the video of "Girls on Film" by Duran Duran on youtube. Now, I don't know about you, but I haven't thought about Duran Duran in a very long time. I'm not rushing out to order a Duran Duran CD from Amazon or to buy some tracks from Napster or iTunes, but I'm a lot more likely to than I was two days ago.
Now, as for the other "c" words (re-engage those dirty minds). From what I can tell there is no actual porn on youtube, but there are some pretty decent bondage clips . . . foot and boot worship clips, some femdom videos, and a lots of various fetish clips. And how knows what else, really? I've only begun to scratch the surface of search terms I might try. (To access videos that have been flagged as mature content, you do have to sign up, but the signup requires no personal information other than a date of birth (hint: don't you use your real one, just make sure it makes you old enough to watch adult stuff)).
youtube isn't unique, I know. There is google video and I'm sure lots of other similar sites. I'm not endorsing youtube and have no affiliation with any of their advertisers. youtube just happens to be the site that was mentioned to Me in the context of this phenomenon and it's where I've been looking.
I see youtube as potentially furthering a slowly but steadily building revolution -- the changeover from passive viewing, where one consumes content created by well-financed entities and distributed in proprietary fashion by other well-financed entities, to a more active scenario in which content creation and distribution become one integrated low-level acitivity. I can make a video and 30 minutes from now it can be viewable, theoeretically, by millions of people without regard to where they live or who their cable company is (or isn't). There will be fits and starts and for sure there is a lot of garbage out there -- but again, it's slowly getting to the point where "amateur" content can approach professional production values, and with no advertisers to please/worry about, no censors, and no dsitribution network to be beholden to, the sky's the limit. The disintermediated future looks bright indeed.
The following is the tribute to "Right Now" video I mentined above. Brilliant work. Kudos to the creators of it and to youtube.
Oh. Did I forget to mention that youtube makes it really easy to embed video clips in your blog/website?
youtube has got My attention. For those as behind the curve as I am, youtube is like a video version of Photobucket. You sign up (free), then upload your videos.
Browsing around youtube you find all sorts of things. Video blogs, ridiculous stunts, Diet Coke and Mentos (go see for yourself), rants, people dancing, people acting stupid, clips from TV shows, music videos, bondage clips, sporting events, people praising their friends and dissing their rivals, politcial opinions, and on and on and on. And it's all searchable (a mixed blessing since many uploaders have added lots of non-apropos tags, so most searches are going to return a lot of irrelevant results).
The qaulity (picture quality and content quality) varies wildly of course. There are videos shot from cell phones, digital cameras, webcams, camcorders, TV captures. And, as in any unrestricted marketplace of creativity, there are plenty of people whose lack of anything meaningful to say doesn't stop them from putting it out there. There are youtube stars, youtube groupies, youtube addicts, youtube haters, and everything in between. I've seen stupid 3-second clips of people laughing like idiots, as in "I can't belive we're doing this!" But I've also seen a brilliant adaptation of Van Halen's "Right Now" video, based on anime characters. I've seen sophmoric excuses to say dirty words on the internet, but I've seen some very talented video manipulations, too, people showing real talent and creativity.
No discussion of this would be complete with mention of the "c" word. (That's copyright -- get your minds out of the gutter! Sheesh!) From what I gather, yuotube doesn't prevent you from uploading something that might be subject to copyright. But if/when the rights holder says take it down, they take it down. Simple enough. And what I'm hoping happens is that commercial interests see that there is more value to their material being out there on youtube and being seen for "free" then there is in enforcing a copyright for the sake of enforcing it. Case in point -- the other night I watched the full-length version of the video of "Girls on Film" by Duran Duran on youtube. Now, I don't know about you, but I haven't thought about Duran Duran in a very long time. I'm not rushing out to order a Duran Duran CD from Amazon or to buy some tracks from Napster or iTunes, but I'm a lot more likely to than I was two days ago.
Now, as for the other "c" words (re-engage those dirty minds). From what I can tell there is no actual porn on youtube, but there are some pretty decent bondage clips . . . foot and boot worship clips, some femdom videos, and a lots of various fetish clips. And how knows what else, really? I've only begun to scratch the surface of search terms I might try. (To access videos that have been flagged as mature content, you do have to sign up, but the signup requires no personal information other than a date of birth (hint: don't you use your real one, just make sure it makes you old enough to watch adult stuff)).
youtube isn't unique, I know. There is google video and I'm sure lots of other similar sites. I'm not endorsing youtube and have no affiliation with any of their advertisers. youtube just happens to be the site that was mentioned to Me in the context of this phenomenon and it's where I've been looking.
I see youtube as potentially furthering a slowly but steadily building revolution -- the changeover from passive viewing, where one consumes content created by well-financed entities and distributed in proprietary fashion by other well-financed entities, to a more active scenario in which content creation and distribution become one integrated low-level acitivity. I can make a video and 30 minutes from now it can be viewable, theoeretically, by millions of people without regard to where they live or who their cable company is (or isn't). There will be fits and starts and for sure there is a lot of garbage out there -- but again, it's slowly getting to the point where "amateur" content can approach professional production values, and with no advertisers to please/worry about, no censors, and no dsitribution network to be beholden to, the sky's the limit. The disintermediated future looks bright indeed.
The following is the tribute to "Right Now" video I mentined above. Brilliant work. Kudos to the creators of it and to youtube.
Oh. Did I forget to mention that youtube makes it really easy to embed video clips in your blog/website?
I Get Letters . . .
Well, actually . . . I don't. Unless you count e-mails promising bigger breasts, weight loss, hot girls on their webcams, lower mortgage rates, a great career being a secret shopper, savings on insurance, etc. And my personal favorites, the ones with a subject line in a foreign language and with an attachment. Yeah . . . I'm so opening those. Not.
But it would be nice to get some letters. I envy people with satisfying and rich non-spam e-mail lives.
I actually did get a nice e-mail today. nina, of Lazy Geisha, e-mailed Me! I was sooooo psyched. The subject line was full of promise -- "Hi!" it read. Quickly I opened the meesage, already enjoying My new meaningful e-mail and speculating about all the wonderufl exhanges yet to come. Heart racing, I read:
Hi there!
I just wanted to let you know that I've bought my own domain and have moved my journal. I noticed that you were linking my old space and was wondering if I could ask you to update your link to my new space. I've added your link to my blogroll and am looking forward to continuing to grow in my new home. Thanks so much!
xoxo,
nina
the lazy geisha
Well, OK, I have to admit I was a little crestfallen. But I bucked up and replied:
nina:
Hi. Thanks for letting Me know about the out of date link . . . I'll change it as soon as Blogger comes back from its maintenance outage tonight. Hope all is going well for you.
Lenora
I thought it was just right -- not too gushy, or anything . . . (I had typed out "Hi!!!!! want to be My best e-mail friend ever????" but edited that out before I sent the message. I think that might've been a bit too much.)
So I sent it off, and when Blogger came back . . . fixed the link to nina's wonderful blog. Which is here, btw . . . by all means check it out.
Anyway . . . that's that.
---------UPDATE--------UPDATE--------UPDATE--------UPDATE---------
OMG OMG OMG!!! Just As I'm blogging this, I get another e-mail!!!!! Yayyyyyy!!
Hi Lenora!
Thank You so much! I really appreciate it! Sorry to hear that Blogger is acting up again. I do love your journal!
I'm doing quite well, just trying to get settled into my new home. And how are you?
Thank you again!
nina
OK, gotta run . . . I have an e-mail to respond to! . . . . byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee . . .
But it would be nice to get some letters. I envy people with satisfying and rich non-spam e-mail lives.
I actually did get a nice e-mail today. nina, of Lazy Geisha, e-mailed Me! I was sooooo psyched. The subject line was full of promise -- "Hi!" it read. Quickly I opened the meesage, already enjoying My new meaningful e-mail and speculating about all the wonderufl exhanges yet to come. Heart racing, I read:
Hi there!
I just wanted to let you know that I've bought my own domain and have moved my journal. I noticed that you were linking my old space and was wondering if I could ask you to update your link to my new space. I've added your link to my blogroll and am looking forward to continuing to grow in my new home. Thanks so much!
xoxo,
nina
the lazy geisha
Well, OK, I have to admit I was a little crestfallen. But I bucked up and replied:
nina:
Hi. Thanks for letting Me know about the out of date link . . . I'll change it as soon as Blogger comes back from its maintenance outage tonight. Hope all is going well for you.
Lenora
I thought it was just right -- not too gushy, or anything . . . (I had typed out "Hi!!!!! want to be My best e-mail friend ever????" but edited that out before I sent the message. I think that might've been a bit too much.)
So I sent it off, and when Blogger came back . . . fixed the link to nina's wonderful blog. Which is here, btw . . . by all means check it out.
Anyway . . . that's that.
---------UPDATE--------UPDATE--------UPDATE--------UPDATE---------
OMG OMG OMG!!! Just As I'm blogging this, I get another e-mail!!!!! Yayyyyyy!!
Hi Lenora!
Thank You so much! I really appreciate it! Sorry to hear that Blogger is acting up again. I do love your journal!
I'm doing quite well, just trying to get settled into my new home. And how are you?
Thank you again!
nina
OK, gotta run . . . I have an e-mail to respond to! . . . . byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee . . .
Miscellany
Link confusion: For a long time I've had a link to a blog by Goddess Aradia, entitled "Goddess Aradia," straightforwardly enough. But there's another blog, also by Goddess Aradia, entitled "The Realm of Goddess Aradia." These aren't the same two people (it seems clear), and I'm not sure which one I thought I was linking to. "Goddess Aradia" hasn't been updated since April, so perhaps it's fallen by the wayside. In any event, I've added the link to The Realm of Goddess Aradia.
Normalcy: Adjusting to the loss of sorceress hasn't been so easy . . . but I am doing all right. That she and I have talked, and do talk, regularly, has been a big help. And the good wishes and concern and support expressed here and elsewhere have been a big help too. My thanks to everyone.
Sitemeter/State of the Blog: Nearing 12,000 visits now, with a pretty steady average of 75-100 visits, most days. Thanks to all My readers.
Overall, I'm pretty happy with the blog . . . it's always a struggle to balance the theoretical/think posts with the more slice of life things, becasue, well, not that much happens to Me (kidding! really!) . . . honestly, there are so many talented and funny writers who that sort of thing so well, I'm better off plowing a different field.
Normalcy: Adjusting to the loss of sorceress hasn't been so easy . . . but I am doing all right. That she and I have talked, and do talk, regularly, has been a big help. And the good wishes and concern and support expressed here and elsewhere have been a big help too. My thanks to everyone.
Sitemeter/State of the Blog: Nearing 12,000 visits now, with a pretty steady average of 75-100 visits, most days. Thanks to all My readers.
Overall, I'm pretty happy with the blog . . . it's always a struggle to balance the theoretical/think posts with the more slice of life things, becasue, well, not that much happens to Me (kidding! really!) . . . honestly, there are so many talented and funny writers who that sort of thing so well, I'm better off plowing a different field.
On Labels and Such
Lady Julia recently wrote:
"Earlier tonight, I read a comment in which someone was explaining what a "genuine submissive" would do in a particular situation. The crux of the statement was, if you're a genuine well-trained submissive, you won't be that effected by your own orgasm.
First of all, whenever I read the phrase "a real submissive" (a real Domme, etc) or something similiar, I want to bang my head on something hard. Well, actually, I want to bang someone else's head on something hard ;) (Now you know I'm just kidding ... sort of). Frequently I'll hear people in the D/s, LFA (Loving Female Authority), BDSM lifestyles profess they think the vanilla world should loosen up and be more open-minded to alternative ways of looking at things - yet often they are just as quick to create a different but equally constrictive box within the lifestyle. Is there such a thing as a "real" Domme or a "real" submissive? If there is, I want to know who set the definition :) "
Well, let Me say this about that.
I am a guilty party here, I suppose, since I do frequently make a distinction between a fetishist, and a "true" submissive. Why do I engage in this apparently egregious behavior?
It's not to create a box, at least not in the negative sense. But some . . . personal blog background is necessary here for this to make sense.
This blog is not a "reportage" or "erotica" type of blog. While I find those often interesting (many are well-written, exciting, funny, and genuinely erotic), I'm after something different here (presumably everyone's open-mindedness allows for that LOL). And in order to that, to write about D/s the way I write about it, it's necessary to attempt to define certain things, to make certain distinctions.
And here is the crux of the matter: These defintions and distinctions are not made to judge, constrict, denigrate, belittle, or marginalize any person or any person's definition of themselves or of their relationship/situation. They are made solely so that there is some basis on which to construct rational arguments and foster further comment based on more-or-less agreed-upon terms.
The words "more or less agreed upon" are the key there. I do not expect to create be-all and end-all defintions of certian terms. That would be a futile effort, and certainly reasonable people can and will disagree. But, certain terms can and should carry a meaning that is more or less commonly understood. An example.
Consider two people. Person A's D/s life consists of going to fetish clubs and getting flogged by strangers or relative strangers. Person A is perfectly sane, happy, and satisfied with his or her activities and overall situation. Person B is a live-in submissive in a long-term relationship with his or her Dom/me, and serves both sexually and non-sexually. Person B is also sane, happy, etc.
Now, without judging anyone's kink, and respecting Person A's choices in life, it's simply silly to assert that there is no qualitative difference in the D/s lives of Person A and Person B. They can be categorized, not for the purposes of dehumanizing them, but simply for the purpose of being able to discuss those qualitative differences. And there is value in being able to discuss those. Now, to Me, I'm not uncomfy with referring to Person A as a pain slut and Person B as a "true" submissive -- becasue I use those terms non-judgementally, and because most people can appreciate the qualitative difference, even if they might quibble with the exact terms of the labels used. They intuitively understand the overall accuracy of the term without necessarily buying into every item of what the laundry list for those terms might be.
Perhaps the problem lies in the word "true" or "genuine." We have come to a point in our society where complimenting one person/group is somehow seen as implicity denigrating all other people/groups who were not explicitly complimented. While I can understand that that's the way things tend to be now, I have to say that's simply a lazy thought process at work. The words "genuine" and "true" have an inherently positive implication -- in our relentlessly self-esteem driven society, apparently anyone not referred to in such a manner feels justifed in taking that as a slight. OK, I think it's a silly way to go through life, but I use the term "true submissive" because most people get the intended sense from it when I use it, and I don't want to spend the time trying to think up an alternative.
Anyway, that's My take on it. I judge no one's kink (the obvious despicable stuff --again we all know what those are -- aside). But I do need to able to draw distinctions, when said dinstinctions are accurate, useful, and engender more/better dicussion and understanding.
"Earlier tonight, I read a comment in which someone was explaining what a "genuine submissive" would do in a particular situation. The crux of the statement was, if you're a genuine well-trained submissive, you won't be that effected by your own orgasm.
First of all, whenever I read the phrase "a real submissive" (a real Domme, etc) or something similiar, I want to bang my head on something hard. Well, actually, I want to bang someone else's head on something hard ;) (Now you know I'm just kidding ... sort of). Frequently I'll hear people in the D/s, LFA (Loving Female Authority), BDSM lifestyles profess they think the vanilla world should loosen up and be more open-minded to alternative ways of looking at things - yet often they are just as quick to create a different but equally constrictive box within the lifestyle. Is there such a thing as a "real" Domme or a "real" submissive? If there is, I want to know who set the definition :) "
Well, let Me say this about that.
I am a guilty party here, I suppose, since I do frequently make a distinction between a fetishist, and a "true" submissive. Why do I engage in this apparently egregious behavior?
It's not to create a box, at least not in the negative sense. But some . . . personal blog background is necessary here for this to make sense.
This blog is not a "reportage" or "erotica" type of blog. While I find those often interesting (many are well-written, exciting, funny, and genuinely erotic), I'm after something different here (presumably everyone's open-mindedness allows for that LOL). And in order to that, to write about D/s the way I write about it, it's necessary to attempt to define certain things, to make certain distinctions.
And here is the crux of the matter: These defintions and distinctions are not made to judge, constrict, denigrate, belittle, or marginalize any person or any person's definition of themselves or of their relationship/situation. They are made solely so that there is some basis on which to construct rational arguments and foster further comment based on more-or-less agreed-upon terms.
The words "more or less agreed upon" are the key there. I do not expect to create be-all and end-all defintions of certian terms. That would be a futile effort, and certainly reasonable people can and will disagree. But, certain terms can and should carry a meaning that is more or less commonly understood. An example.
Consider two people. Person A's D/s life consists of going to fetish clubs and getting flogged by strangers or relative strangers. Person A is perfectly sane, happy, and satisfied with his or her activities and overall situation. Person B is a live-in submissive in a long-term relationship with his or her Dom/me, and serves both sexually and non-sexually. Person B is also sane, happy, etc.
Now, without judging anyone's kink, and respecting Person A's choices in life, it's simply silly to assert that there is no qualitative difference in the D/s lives of Person A and Person B. They can be categorized, not for the purposes of dehumanizing them, but simply for the purpose of being able to discuss those qualitative differences. And there is value in being able to discuss those. Now, to Me, I'm not uncomfy with referring to Person A as a pain slut and Person B as a "true" submissive -- becasue I use those terms non-judgementally, and because most people can appreciate the qualitative difference, even if they might quibble with the exact terms of the labels used. They intuitively understand the overall accuracy of the term without necessarily buying into every item of what the laundry list for those terms might be.
Perhaps the problem lies in the word "true" or "genuine." We have come to a point in our society where complimenting one person/group is somehow seen as implicity denigrating all other people/groups who were not explicitly complimented. While I can understand that that's the way things tend to be now, I have to say that's simply a lazy thought process at work. The words "genuine" and "true" have an inherently positive implication -- in our relentlessly self-esteem driven society, apparently anyone not referred to in such a manner feels justifed in taking that as a slight. OK, I think it's a silly way to go through life, but I use the term "true submissive" because most people get the intended sense from it when I use it, and I don't want to spend the time trying to think up an alternative.
Anyway, that's My take on it. I judge no one's kink (the obvious despicable stuff --again we all know what those are -- aside). But I do need to able to draw distinctions, when said dinstinctions are accurate, useful, and engender more/better dicussion and understanding.
Exponential Submission
New Link: Under Her Spell
Candace commented recently on My post about "Finding the Line." She wrote, in part:
"I am concerned not only for my husband's limits in our relationship. I must insure that I don't cross any of my own limits in trying to please him."
What I dind't go into in that post, and what Candace's comment leads Me into is the fact that for many, over time, the line can and does move. Especially in relationship D/s this is true. As well as two people might know each other, even after X years of monogomous vanilla cohabitation, delving into D/s can (but doesn't always) lead to what I'll call exponential submission. The levels of vulnerability, on the one side, and power, on the other, that can be invoked in D/s create levels of trust, of silent knowing, that aren't rationally explicable and in My experience have no even close analog in any form of vanilla interaction.
And when exponential submission is achieved, lines and limits can expand, move, change, and snap. In the case of Candace and Her husband, I have no idea what the limits might be at this point. But presumably there are some -- cuckoldry? golden play? "forced" bi? Certain levels of pain? Could be anything. But whatever those lines may currently lie, the potential exists that they won't always lie where they currently do. And moving them is something to be sought after, in the context of a loving interaction, not simply for the sake of moving them, but in pursuit of the complete expression of the deepest nature of both parties -- i.e., all of you is for all of Me, and importantly, all of Me is for all of you.
How does this happen? How does the Dom/me foster the development of exponential submission?
I see several critical factors.
1. Vision. The Dom/me knows what S/He wants -- now, and going forward. S/He may not know every single detail, S/He may not realize everyting that is possible in time, but S/He has a clear idea of where S/He wants to go, where the other is to be led.
2. Acceptance. The Dom/me accepts where the lines currently are. Not with complacency or with resignation, but with the understanding that the submissive is being subjected to a process, and that that process is open-ended, with the potential for sidesteps, missteps, and His or Her own errors along the way. In other words, the Dom/me understands that there is--
3. Time. There's too many variables in human nature and in life to be able to put changes of this magnitude on a schedule. This isn't 28-day rehab; it's a lifetime effort, where the Dom/me understands the nature of the time available, and is perceptive enough (and this is often trial and error, at times) to know when and how to push, when to ease off the accelerator a bit, etc. All within the overall context of the long-range vision, the process.
4. Understanding the submissive mindset. Time for Me to haul out a favorite old maxim of Mine: subs want to submit. In a relationship, where there is love and devotion in addition to the sexual/play aspects, the more the Dom/me wants, the more the submissive wants to give. I'd go as far as to say "the more the submissive needs to give." One of the most difficult aspects of Dominance, especially starting out, is not only grasping but internalizing and acting upon the submissive's strong desire to actually submit.
5. Communication. Perhaps the most important aspect of creating exponential submission. The Dom/me doesn't necessarily articulate every detail of the process to the submissive, doesn't have to talk about concepts like exponential submission and the like. But S/He lets the submissive know that the submissive can (and should) express all his or her fears, reservatiions, wants, needs, likes, dislikes, limits, don't-go-theres, complaints, pet peeves, etc. Not so that the Dom/me can necessarily cater to them, but so that S/He can completely understand the submissive, and so that the submissive a) gets used to giving it all up, and b) can feel the ultimate trust and safety that letting all those things go engenders. Over time, trust and devotion overcome everything else, and a dam breaks, for B/both, and a sort of perpetual motion machine of deepening submission and Dominance develops. There is no more thrilling, fulfillig thing one can feel.
* * * * *
"I am concerned not only for my husband's limits in our relationship. I must insure that I don't cross any of my own limits in trying to please him."
What I dind't go into in that post, and what Candace's comment leads Me into is the fact that for many, over time, the line can and does move. Especially in relationship D/s this is true. As well as two people might know each other, even after X years of monogomous vanilla cohabitation, delving into D/s can (but doesn't always) lead to what I'll call exponential submission. The levels of vulnerability, on the one side, and power, on the other, that can be invoked in D/s create levels of trust, of silent knowing, that aren't rationally explicable and in My experience have no even close analog in any form of vanilla interaction.
And when exponential submission is achieved, lines and limits can expand, move, change, and snap. In the case of Candace and Her husband, I have no idea what the limits might be at this point. But presumably there are some -- cuckoldry? golden play? "forced" bi? Certain levels of pain? Could be anything. But whatever those lines may currently lie, the potential exists that they won't always lie where they currently do. And moving them is something to be sought after, in the context of a loving interaction, not simply for the sake of moving them, but in pursuit of the complete expression of the deepest nature of both parties -- i.e., all of you is for all of Me, and importantly, all of Me is for all of you.
How does this happen? How does the Dom/me foster the development of exponential submission?
I see several critical factors.
1. Vision. The Dom/me knows what S/He wants -- now, and going forward. S/He may not know every single detail, S/He may not realize everyting that is possible in time, but S/He has a clear idea of where S/He wants to go, where the other is to be led.
2. Acceptance. The Dom/me accepts where the lines currently are. Not with complacency or with resignation, but with the understanding that the submissive is being subjected to a process, and that that process is open-ended, with the potential for sidesteps, missteps, and His or Her own errors along the way. In other words, the Dom/me understands that there is--
3. Time. There's too many variables in human nature and in life to be able to put changes of this magnitude on a schedule. This isn't 28-day rehab; it's a lifetime effort, where the Dom/me understands the nature of the time available, and is perceptive enough (and this is often trial and error, at times) to know when and how to push, when to ease off the accelerator a bit, etc. All within the overall context of the long-range vision, the process.
4. Understanding the submissive mindset. Time for Me to haul out a favorite old maxim of Mine: subs want to submit. In a relationship, where there is love and devotion in addition to the sexual/play aspects, the more the Dom/me wants, the more the submissive wants to give. I'd go as far as to say "the more the submissive needs to give." One of the most difficult aspects of Dominance, especially starting out, is not only grasping but internalizing and acting upon the submissive's strong desire to actually submit.
5. Communication. Perhaps the most important aspect of creating exponential submission. The Dom/me doesn't necessarily articulate every detail of the process to the submissive, doesn't have to talk about concepts like exponential submission and the like. But S/He lets the submissive know that the submissive can (and should) express all his or her fears, reservatiions, wants, needs, likes, dislikes, limits, don't-go-theres, complaints, pet peeves, etc. Not so that the Dom/me can necessarily cater to them, but so that S/He can completely understand the submissive, and so that the submissive a) gets used to giving it all up, and b) can feel the ultimate trust and safety that letting all those things go engenders. Over time, trust and devotion overcome everything else, and a dam breaks, for B/both, and a sort of perpetual motion machine of deepening submission and Dominance develops. There is no more thrilling, fulfillig thing one can feel.
Spiritual Aspects, Part 8: Another Meditation
An old story, exact origins unknown.
There was a man who was wandering the countryside, down on his luck. Penniless and illiterate, his prospects seemed dim. But he was a very clever man, despite his lack of formal education.
The man came to a small hamlet in a mountain valley. All of the residents of this town were, like the man, illiterate, but not nearly so clever. The man saw his opportunity.
He passed himself off as being educated and literate. The illiterate townspeople were thrilled and honored to have him in their midst. They came to him for advice, to settle disputes, to soak up his wisdom. Soon he was made mayor.
One hot summer day the man was making a speech to the populace in the town square. He had some sheets of paper with words printed on them in fornt of him, to make it appear that he was "reading" from a speech he had "written." The townspeople listened, rapt, to his insightful and wise oratory.
As luck would have it, though, this particular day there was a stranger passing through the town. This stranger, much to our hero's dismay, actually did know how to read. And the stranger noticed that the mayor's "speech" was upside-down on the podium!
The stranger exposed the mayor as a charlatan, telling the people, "Look! The paper's upside down! He's a fraud -- he's as illiterate as all of you!"
Now a less clever man would probably have ended up tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail. But our hero was no ordinary illiterate. Completely unfuffled, he scoffed in response, "If one knows how to read, why should it matter if the paper is upside down or right-side-up?"
The townspeople were once again enthralled with their mayor's intelligence and wisdom and immediately set upon the stranger and chased him from the town.
There was a man who was wandering the countryside, down on his luck. Penniless and illiterate, his prospects seemed dim. But he was a very clever man, despite his lack of formal education.
The man came to a small hamlet in a mountain valley. All of the residents of this town were, like the man, illiterate, but not nearly so clever. The man saw his opportunity.
He passed himself off as being educated and literate. The illiterate townspeople were thrilled and honored to have him in their midst. They came to him for advice, to settle disputes, to soak up his wisdom. Soon he was made mayor.
One hot summer day the man was making a speech to the populace in the town square. He had some sheets of paper with words printed on them in fornt of him, to make it appear that he was "reading" from a speech he had "written." The townspeople listened, rapt, to his insightful and wise oratory.
As luck would have it, though, this particular day there was a stranger passing through the town. This stranger, much to our hero's dismay, actually did know how to read. And the stranger noticed that the mayor's "speech" was upside-down on the podium!
The stranger exposed the mayor as a charlatan, telling the people, "Look! The paper's upside down! He's a fraud -- he's as illiterate as all of you!"
Now a less clever man would probably have ended up tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail. But our hero was no ordinary illiterate. Completely unfuffled, he scoffed in response, "If one knows how to read, why should it matter if the paper is upside down or right-side-up?"
The townspeople were once again enthralled with their mayor's intelligence and wisdom and immediately set upon the stranger and chased him from the town.
Loss, Sadness, Ego, and Lessons Learned
It is with the most profound sadness that I inform you all that My beloved girl sorceress is no longer Mine. The sense of loss I feel is deep and consuming. It is very much as though a part of Me has gone with her. It is at times like this that I find it very difficult indeed to follow My own advice. There is nothing but tears, emptiness, a longing that can't be fulfilled. An empty collar and a broken lock. The emptiness all around silenty mocks Me.
sorceress was not released becasue she displeased Me, or dishonored Me, or anything of that nature. she begged her release because what she is can not be denied, and she could not continue as Mine as a result. I granted her release because I saw that too, and saw this moment coming. I love her too much to ever hold her back, and becasue what must be, must be.
And that's where ego comes in. I saw this coming, could feel it. But, even to the end I felt as though there was something I could do. I felt as though My power, My love, My insight, really could conquer all. I don't mind admitting that folly; a good Dominant needs a healthy ego (and then some). To be reminded of one's own limitations in the face of the motive force of the universe, i. e., things that must happen, doesn't diminish Me. In the end it will strengthen Me, and bring Me closer and more into harmony with that motive force.
As lessons go, the value will far outweigh the pain. As soon as I can stem the tears.
Thank you, sorceress, for all you did for Me, for all you tried to do, with all of you. For serving and pleasing Me so well and loving Me without fear, without question, without reservation. For embracing your slavery and plunging yourself into trying to learn and understand everything, even when you were provided with the merest hint of a hint as to what the thing to be learned was. For being a wondereful supportive loivng sister to storm and iris.
The magic in you shines -- and even through My tears I can acknowledge that it shines brighter than it did before we met, yes, because of Me and because of your deep love and devotion and submission. I have no doubt that that magic will shine brighter still as you make your way forward along the path that awaits you.
Thank you, from the bottom of My heart. I love you so much. Fly high and far.
"I wonder what she is doing at this hour
my Andean and sweet Rita
of reeds and wild cherry trees.
Now that this weariness chokes me, and blood dozes off
this lazy brandy inside me.
I wonder what she is doing with those hands
that in attitude of penitence
used to iron starchy whiteness
in the afternoons;
Now that the rain is taking away my desire to go on.
I wonder what has become of her skirt with lace
of her toils, of her walk;
of her scent of spring sugar cane from that place.
She must be at the door,
gazing at a fast-moving cloud.
A wild bird on the tile roof will let out a call;
And shivering she will say at last, "Jesus, it's cold!"
--Cesar Vallejo
New Links
New links: Dirty Prom Queen . . . Cama De Casa (in Spanish) . . . Woman Rules Roost . . . Joyscape . . . Lazy Geisha
Just a reminder -- if you're linked to Me and I'm not linked to you, let Me know and I'll add a link to you.
Just a reminder -- if you're linked to Me and I'm not linked to you, let Me know and I'll add a link to you.
Spiritual Aspects, Part 7: Approaching The Unknown
I've been having trouble addressing this topic for a while now. I left off the series of Fully Exploring The Known posts by saying that "knowlege is independent of language." Well, that's great, but it by defintion doesn't leave much to write about. [Not that that will stop Me, of course.]
One way to apporach things that are very difficult to talk about becasue of the tautological nature of knowledge and human thought is to, for lack of a better word, "meditate" on certain thoughts, ideas, etc. Not with the goal of extracting "meaning" from them, necessarily, but to clear one's mind and just let the words wash over. Several times. One often finds that going forward, "meaning" presents itself, often much later, almost surreptitiously, when one is engaged in doing/thinking/talking about something else entirely.
There is no way to explain what I refer to as The Unknown. By its very nature it is opaque to rational explanation. It can be experienced and described, but only in its effects, not in its underlying nature. In some ways it is like the best poetry in that regard -- if can affect us in startling, inexplicable ways. So it seems appropriate for the first meditation to be on one of My favorite passages from poetry.
One way to apporach things that are very difficult to talk about becasue of the tautological nature of knowledge and human thought is to, for lack of a better word, "meditate" on certain thoughts, ideas, etc. Not with the goal of extracting "meaning" from them, necessarily, but to clear one's mind and just let the words wash over. Several times. One often finds that going forward, "meaning" presents itself, often much later, almost surreptitiously, when one is engaged in doing/thinking/talking about something else entirely.
There is no way to explain what I refer to as The Unknown. By its very nature it is opaque to rational explanation. It can be experienced and described, but only in its effects, not in its underlying nature. In some ways it is like the best poetry in that regard -- if can affect us in startling, inexplicable ways. So it seems appropriate for the first meditation to be on one of My favorite passages from poetry.
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
--From "Four Quartets" by T. S. Eliot
What Is Kink?
I've seen over the past few months a number of posts on the above question in many different blogs.
I certainly can't answer it in any definitive, satisfying way. But others, sometimes without meaning to, might have shed some light on it.
"Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken." --Old Joke
"I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description [hardcore pornogrpahy] and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it." --Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart
"Hipness is -- What it is!
Sometimes hipness is, what it ain't." --Tower of Power, "What is Hip?"
"We classify anything that isn't quite regular hardcore or softcore, and isn't already classed under Bondage content, as being 'kink' content. Examples of such might be a foot fetish title, or a Urination title, or anything that focuses on a sub-set interest." -- www.weblegal.com
"Call me kinky, I don't mind. I AM kinky -- if you mean different from the lie we're sold as the norm. At 42, I'm celebrating a quarter century of making love with many different people, many different ways." --Loraine Hutchins
"Kink is a term used to refer to unconventional sexual practices such as bondage, domination and submission, and sadomasochism (known collectively as BDSM), and sexual fetishism." --Wikipedia
"Sex and kink are like apple pie and ice-cream. They taste good separately, but they taste even better together." --girlphoria.com
"I'm a man - I'm a goddess
I'm a man - I'm a hooker
I'm a man - I'm a blue movie
I'm a man - I'm a slut
I'm a man - I'm YOUR babe
I'm a man - I'm a dream divine . . . " --Berlin, "Sex"
"Whip me! Beat me! make me write bad checks!" --Old joke
"Lindsey Butler - 'How could anyone have sex on a stick? It sounds so painful.'
Lydia Hu - 'I dunno, but in Minnesota, everything is on a stick.' " -- from Lindsey's funny quotes from college(2003-2004)
Glad I could clear this up for everyone. :)
I certainly can't answer it in any definitive, satisfying way. But others, sometimes without meaning to, might have shed some light on it.
"Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken." --Old Joke
"I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description [hardcore pornogrpahy] and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it." --Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart
"Hipness is -- What it is!
Sometimes hipness is, what it ain't." --Tower of Power, "What is Hip?"
"We classify anything that isn't quite regular hardcore or softcore, and isn't already classed under Bondage content, as being 'kink' content. Examples of such might be a foot fetish title, or a Urination title, or anything that focuses on a sub-set interest." -- www.weblegal.com
"Call me kinky, I don't mind. I AM kinky -- if you mean different from the lie we're sold as the norm. At 42, I'm celebrating a quarter century of making love with many different people, many different ways." --Loraine Hutchins
"Kink is a term used to refer to unconventional sexual practices such as bondage, domination and submission, and sadomasochism (known collectively as BDSM), and sexual fetishism." --Wikipedia
"Sex and kink are like apple pie and ice-cream. They taste good separately, but they taste even better together." --girlphoria.com
"I'm a man - I'm a goddess
I'm a man - I'm a hooker
I'm a man - I'm a blue movie
I'm a man - I'm a slut
I'm a man - I'm YOUR babe
I'm a man - I'm a dream divine . . . " --Berlin, "Sex"
"Whip me! Beat me! make me write bad checks!" --Old joke
"Lindsey Butler - 'How could anyone have sex on a stick? It sounds so painful.'
Lydia Hu - 'I dunno, but in Minnesota, everything is on a stick.' " -- from Lindsey's funny quotes from college(2003-2004)
Glad I could clear this up for everyone. :)
Purple Sparks
freya, in her excellent blog, recently posted the following:
" . . . I subscribe to several sites that do writing prompts of either words or longer ideas, questions, etc. Today's writing prompt - "write about the color of hunger"
freya goes on to write about what the color of hunger is, for her -- and as always, she writes really well about sex and desire. The woman could probably wirte a grocery list that would be thrillingly erotic. (Not a challenge, freya, but feel free to try LOL.)
And that phrase got Me thinking on what the color of hunger is for Me -- and it didn't take long for the answer to emerge.
Hunger is purple. Not a wimpy, pinky purple, but a deep rich involving purple. Purple is the color of sacrifice. It oozes out out of My girls like purple blood -- it isn't sexual, per se, although desire is a big part of it. It's the hunger of them to serve, to please, to be and to do and to give everything to Me, to sacrifice. And it shines and shimmers in Me, when I feel it from them, it ignites the magic between us and everything is filled with purple sparks; the air crackles with the force of it when I reach inside that purple mass and rip out everything I want. And the softer purple glow that fills everything in the aftermath . . . the low humm where contentment at having served (and having been served) well mixed with the knowledge that there is always more to be taken (and to take).
Thanks, freya, for a wonderful inspiration today.
" . . . I subscribe to several sites that do writing prompts of either words or longer ideas, questions, etc. Today's writing prompt - "write about the color of hunger"
freya goes on to write about what the color of hunger is, for her -- and as always, she writes really well about sex and desire. The woman could probably wirte a grocery list that would be thrillingly erotic. (Not a challenge, freya, but feel free to try LOL.)
And that phrase got Me thinking on what the color of hunger is for Me -- and it didn't take long for the answer to emerge.
Hunger is purple. Not a wimpy, pinky purple, but a deep rich involving purple. Purple is the color of sacrifice. It oozes out out of My girls like purple blood -- it isn't sexual, per se, although desire is a big part of it. It's the hunger of them to serve, to please, to be and to do and to give everything to Me, to sacrifice. And it shines and shimmers in Me, when I feel it from them, it ignites the magic between us and everything is filled with purple sparks; the air crackles with the force of it when I reach inside that purple mass and rip out everything I want. And the softer purple glow that fills everything in the aftermath . . . the low humm where contentment at having served (and having been served) well mixed with the knowledge that there is always more to be taken (and to take).
Thanks, freya, for a wonderful inspiration today.
All Part of the Inventory
Today was a generally crummy day. Work was long, busy, frustrating. I felt tired from the moment I got there and things simply drifted downhill from there. Everyone and everything seemed to annoy Me, for no particularly good reason.
Finally getting home didn't improve My mood much. There was nothing I felt like eating. Blogger was moving very slowly (it took about ten tries to load this page).
It's the sort of day where the ultimate end of it, one's head laying on the pillow and abandoning everything to the respite of sleep, seems like the best and only improvement.
But of course it's only 7PM, and though I could probably force Myself to sleep now, doing so would be disastrous -- I'd be wide awake at 2:30AM and that would turn tomorrow into a nightmare.
Sitting here, the Orville Reddenbacher lookailke on TV droning on in the background about eharmony's 1,392 dimensions of compatibility or whatever it is, I get to thinking about bad days, and how they have their place. In the inventory of life, the simple cliched truth is that days like today when taken as part of the mass, help form the baseline of life. The baseline from which the great days, the moments of elation, the absolutely fantastic parts of life, spring up and stand out. And that very amplitude above the baseline is a big part of what makes the great days great.
So in the end it's a day to file away under "crummy," close the drawer and smile. Another bad day bites the dust. My overall odds have improved by a tiny bit going forward. Cool.
Finally getting home didn't improve My mood much. There was nothing I felt like eating. Blogger was moving very slowly (it took about ten tries to load this page).
It's the sort of day where the ultimate end of it, one's head laying on the pillow and abandoning everything to the respite of sleep, seems like the best and only improvement.
But of course it's only 7PM, and though I could probably force Myself to sleep now, doing so would be disastrous -- I'd be wide awake at 2:30AM and that would turn tomorrow into a nightmare.
Sitting here, the Orville Reddenbacher lookailke on TV droning on in the background about eharmony's 1,392 dimensions of compatibility or whatever it is, I get to thinking about bad days, and how they have their place. In the inventory of life, the simple cliched truth is that days like today when taken as part of the mass, help form the baseline of life. The baseline from which the great days, the moments of elation, the absolutely fantastic parts of life, spring up and stand out. And that very amplitude above the baseline is a big part of what makes the great days great.
So in the end it's a day to file away under "crummy," close the drawer and smile. Another bad day bites the dust. My overall odds have improved by a tiny bit going forward. Cool.
What's Left Behind (Part 2)
One of My little conundra that I frequently annoy the girls (and others) with goes as follows:
We are what we let go of, not what we hold onto.
I was thinking about this in light of My previous post, in which I talked about how some people leave D/s behind, sometimes permanently. And right in that word "permanently" is the crux of the matter, and the "proof" of the seemingly nonsensical statement above.
It's our nature to cling. Physically, emotionally, mentally. We cling to people, to things, and to ideas. We cling to the past -- sometimes perversely the worse it was the more we cling to it. And perhaps more than anything else we cling to our own idea of ourselves, and again from what I often see the worse that self-image is the more tenaciously it's clung to.
Where it gets very contorted is that we've lost perspective on the fact that that idea of ourselves is largely the accumulation and processing of the perceptions, thoughts, words, and judgments of others. What we have come to think that we are turns out to be largely "foreign matter" that's become part of "us" -- part of what I've called "the shell" in My posts about Fully Exploring the Known (see the April archives page).
Thus what I see as a large part of success in personal terms, both in daily life and in D/s, has to do with moving from the orientation of holding on to the orientation of letting go. The struggle is to identify what's become a part of us that never belonged there, and to slowly, systematically evaluate it -- possibly with the goal of eradicating it. But it turns out that realizing that foreign matter in the shell for what it is deprives it of its power anyway, so eradicating it becomes a moot point, often.
That is what I mean when I say that we are what we let go of, not what we hold on to. A recognition that the change in orientation needs to take place and a committment to that process.
So what's all that got to do with why people leave D/s and their reasons for doing so? A few things.
1. There is the "surface" issue, the "society" thing. D/s is not a mainstream pursuit -- there is, as cliched as it is, societal disapproval by and large and the emotional baggage that accompanies that. It's not to be dismissed as a factor that makes D/s more stressful than it otherwise should be. And "stress" is, in essence, a massive infestation of foreign matter into the shell. It makes us question our choices, our path, and usually not in a good way. The pressure of being "closeted," as it were, is more than many people can take. For others, the stress of being "open" is even worse. In times of stress we will cling more to the familiar, the stuff that feels like "us," even when it will go against what we know we want/need. It takes a "letting go" on a massive scale in order to minimize that kind of stress.
2. There are at times overridingly important realities. Age, children, work, health, safety, etc. At times there is a strictly practical choice, a sacrifice, that needs to be made. It's a cruel reality that we sometimes are forced to choose between what we are and what we have to be. That choice is above and beyond this discussion, except that I'll simply point out that it's important to be sure that one is choosing based on absolute necessities and not making the convenient, less painful in the short term, choice.
3. The pain that I've seen in people who've left D/s is not from having let go of D/s, it's from clinging to the idea that D/s was something they could get along without. Many people, and again this is part #1, above, actually do think that they are involved in a pursuit that is "perverted," abnormal. (And not in the kinky fun way). Decades of parents and teachers and preachers and talk-show idiots and sensationalized media have warped our ideas of sex and interpersonal relations to a degree that I'm amazed at the number of people who actually feel good about what they are. It's so easy to revert, to cling back to what will "work," even though in the long run that ends up hurting a lot more.
We truly are what we let go of, because only by letting go of what doesn't belong can we see and understand exactly those few things that we should, above all else, hold onto.
We are what we let go of, not what we hold onto.
I was thinking about this in light of My previous post, in which I talked about how some people leave D/s behind, sometimes permanently. And right in that word "permanently" is the crux of the matter, and the "proof" of the seemingly nonsensical statement above.
It's our nature to cling. Physically, emotionally, mentally. We cling to people, to things, and to ideas. We cling to the past -- sometimes perversely the worse it was the more we cling to it. And perhaps more than anything else we cling to our own idea of ourselves, and again from what I often see the worse that self-image is the more tenaciously it's clung to.
Where it gets very contorted is that we've lost perspective on the fact that that idea of ourselves is largely the accumulation and processing of the perceptions, thoughts, words, and judgments of others. What we have come to think that we are turns out to be largely "foreign matter" that's become part of "us" -- part of what I've called "the shell" in My posts about Fully Exploring the Known (see the April archives page).
Thus what I see as a large part of success in personal terms, both in daily life and in D/s, has to do with moving from the orientation of holding on to the orientation of letting go. The struggle is to identify what's become a part of us that never belonged there, and to slowly, systematically evaluate it -- possibly with the goal of eradicating it. But it turns out that realizing that foreign matter in the shell for what it is deprives it of its power anyway, so eradicating it becomes a moot point, often.
That is what I mean when I say that we are what we let go of, not what we hold on to. A recognition that the change in orientation needs to take place and a committment to that process.
So what's all that got to do with why people leave D/s and their reasons for doing so? A few things.
1. There is the "surface" issue, the "society" thing. D/s is not a mainstream pursuit -- there is, as cliched as it is, societal disapproval by and large and the emotional baggage that accompanies that. It's not to be dismissed as a factor that makes D/s more stressful than it otherwise should be. And "stress" is, in essence, a massive infestation of foreign matter into the shell. It makes us question our choices, our path, and usually not in a good way. The pressure of being "closeted," as it were, is more than many people can take. For others, the stress of being "open" is even worse. In times of stress we will cling more to the familiar, the stuff that feels like "us," even when it will go against what we know we want/need. It takes a "letting go" on a massive scale in order to minimize that kind of stress.
2. There are at times overridingly important realities. Age, children, work, health, safety, etc. At times there is a strictly practical choice, a sacrifice, that needs to be made. It's a cruel reality that we sometimes are forced to choose between what we are and what we have to be. That choice is above and beyond this discussion, except that I'll simply point out that it's important to be sure that one is choosing based on absolute necessities and not making the convenient, less painful in the short term, choice.
3. The pain that I've seen in people who've left D/s is not from having let go of D/s, it's from clinging to the idea that D/s was something they could get along without. Many people, and again this is part #1, above, actually do think that they are involved in a pursuit that is "perverted," abnormal. (And not in the kinky fun way). Decades of parents and teachers and preachers and talk-show idiots and sensationalized media have warped our ideas of sex and interpersonal relations to a degree that I'm amazed at the number of people who actually feel good about what they are. It's so easy to revert, to cling back to what will "work," even though in the long run that ends up hurting a lot more.
We truly are what we let go of, because only by letting go of what doesn't belong can we see and understand exactly those few things that we should, above all else, hold onto.
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