The End?

I was reading poiesia's blog just now, and she was talking about that horrible falling of crashing, of feeling as though she was at the "end" of the journey, that she had somehow reached what felt like a dead end in her exploration of submission.

I've written here, more than once, about My feeling that there is no "final step," no "end" for a submissive or for a Dominant. That's me speaking in ideal terms. The reality is that there is a whole continuum of submission and Dominance; each of us reflects that to greater or lesser degrees. For each person there is a what I call a comfort point and an ultimate settling point.

The comfort point, by definition, feels good. For some, the comfort point is all that's sought, and one never moves beyond it. And happily so. I endorse that fully. Arriving at real happiness is much more important than adhering to any theoretical principles.

Many others though, while they enjoy the comfort point, sense that there is something beyond it. Something in them seeks that "something beyond," and they, not always consciously, seek out Those who are more likely to push them, to show them that place beyond. And, for that kind of submissive, the comfort spot eventually moves along the continuum, and establishes itself in a new place. And the cycle repeats itself -- the submissive senses a longing, still, and seeks out what lies beyond. Or s/he doesnt.

This process repeats itself over and over until the comfort point and the settling point become one and the same. Now, the question arises, and it's really the crux of the matter: How does one know when one's found the settling point?

The short but 100% accurate answer is: you know you've reached the settling point when it feels good. Uncomplicatedly good, with no lingering doubts, no wistful wondering what's around the next bend. It's not the "end" of the journey. I liken it to building one's dream house. There is a point where there are no more nails to drive and it's time to actually live in the dream house.

The converse, however, is the most important thing. If it feels bad, if you find yourself still with that restless churning in some undefined part of you, then it's not over. And it's vitally important to understand that.

Because what happens often is that the submissive finds him or herself between comfort points. The submissive abandons one too soon, or it pushed from it, without knowing exactly where the next comfort point is. That can feel very much like a free fall, and not a pleasant one. At times like that it's difficult, if not impossible, to stop and realize that one's not really falling; one's just searching around in the dark for a safe place to step.

My advice remains constant, if not exactly awe-inspiring. Stop. Breathe. Don't think so much. Take the deepest breath you know how to, and think only about the string of tiny victories behind you, the beautifully-laid stones that have supported your steps to this point. Marvel at that a moment. Take as long as you need in that place, until it starts to feel like a comfort. At some point after that, there will be a little surge of energy, and one turns again, ready, if not necessarily confident, about searching in the darkness for that next smooth stone to step on.