A continuation. As before, I am painting with a broad brush here, somewhat, so don't take it personally. No one can say anything that applies to everyone on a topic like this. I am writing from My own observations, which, not while not scientific, are still probably right. So there!
1. One fairly obvious thing that I've seen is that male submissives often retain that male sense of entitlement, despite their submissive role. This sounds all bad, but actually isn't. See, men are really good at expressing what they want. And that is a very handy thing for a Dominant. I always want to know what My slaves want. Again, not because I am going to cater to those desires, but so that both parties understand Who Owns What. And desires, though less tangible perhaps, are part of that. Holding back one's desires is walling off a piece of one's self from one's Owner . . . and that just won't do. A man's ability to say what he's desirous of often makes a Dominant's task easier.
Girls, on the other hand, often will, in an effort to be "good," hold back a lot of their wants, afraid of being seen as too needy, or topping from the bottom, etc. As I explained above, nothing could be further from the truth. It takes a long process of explaining, coaxing, ordering (which really doesn't work that well in this area), etc., to get most girls to open up about that.
Now, there are girls (and some boys, too, I'm guessing) who really have pushed their own "wants" down to the point where there is, in effect, nothing to express. Their desire really is charged by what the Other wants. It can take a long time to figure out that this is where a submissive is coming from (maybe that's just Me LOL) . . . with a submissive like this, trying to draw out her "desires" is going to be mutually frustrating for both parties.
Another situation is more prosaic, but no less real. As sorceress once said to Me . . . "the good part about being submissive is not having to think about what to do." Sounds funny, but it masks an important truth. As I've said previously, subs want to submit. Expressing desires can feel a lot like exercising control; saying what one wants to happen is a fist step towards making that happen (in one's thinking). Again, the Dominant will have to be patient and creative in getting the point across that the expression of desire and the fulfillment of desire are not necessarily related. Which leads Me right to another situation:
The submissive who holds onto her desires as a way of exerting control. This is not topping from the bottom, which I define as a purely manipulative activity. The submissive who doesn't voice her desires typically is looking for safety . . . for the perception of safety that such control seems to provide. This is an area where female and males will often differ greatly . . . females, for obvious and non-obvious reasons, are much more likely to be concerned with safety. Not physical safety, but emotional safety. Desires held onto are desires that can't hurt you, the thinking seems to go. This situation can be a real challenge; to get across the point that the only truly "safe" course of action is to let go what's held onto and give it over to one's Owner can be a very long process.
2. The other night a female submissive was talking to Me about something that a Dom did (didn't do, really) during a scene that upset her. As often happens, little pearls are found in these random conversations. I ended up telling her that what happens TO a submissive is not always ABOUT the submissive.
This is an area boys might have a more difficult time understanding than girls, I'm not sure. Or, I should say, males and females will struggle with different aspects of this. While a male might have trouble NOT thinking of himself as the focus, a girl will often take on burdens that aren't hers to carry. In the above situation, the Dom in question was just having a bad day, got distracted, etc. There was no sinister intent. It's difficult, especially mid-scene, when one feels vulnerable, to stop and take that deep breath and remember that one is there for The Other. That often, remaining focused and attentive has to be its own reward.
A difficult thing. Where the good Dominant can make this easier is in that old bugaboo, communication, again. Letting the submissive know, clearly, what is and isn't about him/her. boys and girls will often need this explained to them in very different terms.
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