One of the most difficult things for a Dominant to deal with is when the slave(s) in question wants to be so good that s/he holds back important things.
After some intense play today, iris said told Me that she "really needed that." I pointed out that it's important for her to tell Me what she needs/wants on a regular basis, becasue, contrary to what she might think, I am not actually a mind-reader. And, I pointed out that doing that was an important step in deepening her submission.
iris told Me that she couldn't quite see how doing that could deepen her submission, and that it "goes against everything i think should be right." To her, it feels like topping from the bottom. This, among the very submissive, devoted person, is a common thought pattern. And it's easy to see why and how those thoughts develop.
I told iris that there was a short and longer answer to her concerns.
The short answer goes as follows:
1. I want it.
2. Given that I want it, her doing it by definition deepens her submission.
As is often the case, the short answer, while 100% correct, isn't necessarily satisfying or edifying.
The longer answer goes something like this:
1. If I am to totally own her, then I must own her desires, etc., as well.
2. And since I really am NOT a mind-reader, I can't own what I don't know about.
3. In answer to the topping from the bottom consideration, it's important to understand that Me knowing what she wants doesn't mean that I am going to do it, or do it exactly how she might think/expect/want.
4. Even though it feels contrary to what a "good slave" does, it's a very important step. And that I understand the level of difficulty involved, and that I understand that progress will be in fits and starts, and that no deep change can or will happen in a short time.
The longer answer helped some, I think. It often does.
4 comments:
This was a great post... and definitely something a whole lot of submissives need to hear. You were right on when you said the more submissive, devoted person deals with this thought pattern more.
Your answers to the problem were perfect. Although this is something I've actually been doing a lot better on with Rico, it was still good for me read this and get refreshed on the subject.
personally ~ i had a really hard time with talking about desires and needs and wants. i felt that by asking for, or communicating those needs/desires/wants that i was, by default, taking charge of what i wanted -- which was the LAST thing i wanted to do.
it took me a long time to come to grips that just because i asked for it didn't mean i'd get it. but also --
being forced to be open about what i want ... hrm ... makes me take ownership of it myself. and that was hard. some of the darker desires and fantasies have been very hard for me to come to grips with. it's easier on my psyche to say "Master made me do it" rather than saying "i really want You do to this, please." that was probably just as much of the difficulty in my burdgeoning honesty. simply coming to grips with the fact that on some level, i need Him to be rough, i need Him to hurt me, i need the humiliation and the degradation.
ok, this is turning out a lot longer than i was thinking -- i'm going to stop before i hijack your blog, and maybe will use this as a jumping point for an entry on mine if i get time.
~ toy
you raise a very good point, toy. We all want to hide, to a certain extent. To "take ownership" of one's desires is anecessary step before one can really let go of them. And that is very hard.
Don't worry about the length of comments . . . I love reading them.
And thank you, rivka.
This is a very insightful and important discussion. Thanks to all. Topping from the bottom is often a problem, and the vigilant Dom will guard against it. But at the same time he needs to know what his sub wants. Otherwise, as was said, not only can he not make the most of the relationship, he can't truly own her if he doesn't know all her thoughts.
But my sub is ashamed of some of her darker desires, and will try to avoid owning up to them. It's my job to make her confess to them. That way I can bring her down to the depths of her sluttiness. Which is necessary if I am to raise her up to be a slut I am proud of.
Am I making sense?
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