There was a comment in response to the "Acceptance" post (thank you, saratoga) about how the submissive must sometimes accept that the Dom/me that one is with isn't the right One, and make the decisioin to move on.
That's incredibly difficult. Having been in the position to have to release a slave before, I can testify that it's no fun, on either side.
But it's more difficult for the submissive, usually. Part of being submissive is, to put it plainly, putting up with stuff. And many submissives, in the quest to be "good," will figure their their capacity to put up with stuff is a direct measure of their worth as a submissive.
Now, up to a point, that's true.
But, really, this is an area where vanilla relationships and D/s reltationships share a something in common: There is a time when it's just over, when it hurts too much to continue to be in the situation. A time when one has put up with everything one can put up with, and there's nothing left.
One of My favorite philosphers, Andy Sipowicz of NYPD Blue, once gave the following advice to his partner: "Marriage is like pulling a piano up to an 8th-story window. You put your all into it, but when the rope breaks, you run like hell." (Trivia freaks please don't come down on Me. . . . the quote probably isn't exact, I acknowledge,)
A D/s relationship is perhaps even more like that, given the incredible intensity of the feelings that exposed, the depths of one's being that one has pulled out of one's self.
In an environment like that, one's limitations, both positive and negative, become apparent.
And, very importantly . . . the limitations of the Other become apparent, too. That, for many submissives, is often a shocking, shaking, revelation. At that point there is a decision, perhaps the submissive's last real decision, in many ways . . . to decide if one can continue . . . to decide if acceptance is bigger than what works against it.
But acceptance is not just accepting the limitations of the Other . . . but coming to terms with our own, as well. And that's by far the hardest part. And another chapter.
4 comments:
Thank you so much.
lenora- thank you for the kind compliment and reference to my earlier response/post.
You are, once again, eloquent in your description of the challenge of submission in a 'total,' mixed relationship.
The analogy of the piano is apt.
For what it's worth, consider this?
When a submissive feels that his well being is in danger, then the most basic power exchange bargain is violated, i.e., power for safety.
You can no longer be liberated to serve, please and be valued for your humbleness if you worry that your basic safety has been compromised.
Another example of how the issue can quickly move to the most vanilla of levels. In my own recent case, the event that triggered my exit was a vanilla tantrum by my Domme. It wasn't during play, it wasn't during private lifestyle time. It was a simple moment of irrational, unprovoked anger in a public place....how ironic, no?
Very ironic, and, I suspect very common.
D/s can be like a magnifying glass. When the seemingly smallest things are blown up under the intense heat of an unequal power, they can become massive, overwhleming.
very well put Lenora. that's exactly what it felt like.
Only the day before, I had been out Christmas shopping for Her. Twenty-four hours later, we spoke for the last time. It happened that unexpectedly and that fast. As I mentioned, a blinding flash of unexplained anger.
I say unexplained, because it was the way in which She behaved that was so "not Domme." I have discussed this ad nauseum with lifestyle and vanilla friends. Including some who know Her.
What scared and unsettled me most was that, and this was substantiated in Her subsequent emails, She lost her temper, stomped off, and failed to provide even a scintilla of closure as to how we would resolve Her anger. She did not indicate what I should do, when I should meet Her, how She would dispose of the offense. Very un-Dommely.
It was a vanilla rant. Then, Her expectations became Dominant, and She spent the afternoon expecting me to, literally, come to Her and kneel to Her boots, apologizing. Unfortunately, the rest of the day included a long business meeting.
My point is that the mixing of vanilla and dominant behaviors can be explosive, as you rightly expressed. And, oddly, the failure of a Domina to control Herself, and give clear signals as to which 'world' we are in, can be extremely corrosive.
Post a Comment