I was talking tonight with someone who was having some trouble with the way her best friend reacts to things that she says some times, when she discusses her emotions with said friend.
My take on this is, essentially, a thing I always fall back on: People's motives, even the motives of those we know pretty well, are laregly inscrutable. Freindship and love obscure that fact, and give us the illusion that we know more than we do. So it hurts, when what we're reminded of what we don't know.
So it comes down to acceptance. And not the easy kind, either.
The easy kind is where we tolerate, but don't accept. On some totally honest level, we're still pissed at/bothered by the thing we claim to accept, but don't show any outward manifestation of being bothered. That's a lie, even if we never overtly express the lie.
The difficult kind is where we truly accept it, where it truly bothers us so little as to not matter at all any more. It entails a shifting on a deep level, it takes a level of committment most people simply aren't capable of.
To bring this into the D/s context . . . to submit, is to submit to the whole Person. And a big part of that is acceptance, the difficult kind.
The main difficulties are:
1. Not that many Dominants are worth that kind of submission . . . submitting to the whole Person. Not surprisingly, this is NOT a subject We Dominants often dwell on LOL.
2. Since no one's perfect, submitting to the whole person is a lot of work.
3. Many Dominants may not be on this particular wavelength, so the submissive might find him/herself working diligently, struggling to achieve something that the Other doesn't even think about.
More on this another time . . .
5 comments:
I'm always just mystified by your posts. They really, really strike my thoughts.
I've found that I'm unable to keep anything that bugs me - even the little things - hidden from Rico for virtually any period of time. Many times, I feel completely transparent under his eyes. Being that way keeps absolutely everything out in the open.
This makes for quick resolutions in which I'm able to get to that true acceptance place easier if I must (sometimes I don't have to because the thing that bothered me/pissed me off can be changed). It also keeps the deceptive level of "tolerance" from ever surfacing.
I believe that the only way that tolerance-but-not-acceptance attitude can occur is if the first time the feelings come up (there has to be a beginning to the bother), they immediately get shoved back down instead of dealt with. Rico has pointed out to me before that He considers it deceitful for me to keep even these bad feelings from Him. And just like you said, He's right - it is a lie to myself and to him to pretend as though they aren't actually affecting me way at the beginning - long before they get pushed to the subconscious level.
Thank You again for such a post (also for Your kind comments to me). i think You have it right here - and submitting to the whole Person, though not easy, but quite necessary in some/most instances.
You've given me much to think about.
t.g.
and sometimes, as the submissive, you must "accept" that your Domina is not, in the end, right for you.
I had that occur a few months ago, and had to end a long-running (with pauses) relationship.
It was difficult, but I finally accepted that she will always have anger issues, despite our discussing them. And how she had promised to deal with them.
So, now, I have accepted Her as She is, and that I cannot be Her's any longer.
Difficult on one level, freeing on another.
Acceptance, anger, control....the holy trinity....
That is probably one of the hardest things ever, saratoga.
It's an often cruel irony that the qualities that make Someone a good Dom/me also sometimes make said Dom/me very difficult to death with on a personal level, and of course, the nature of the Owner-owned relationship makes discussions of the Owner's shortcomings very hard, by defintion.
I do hold onto the idea that what happens is what's supposed to happen . . . even what's supposed to happen is really painful. In the end, it's all we really have to hold onto.
I agree with your idea, lenora. I, too, believe that what does happen, should happen. If one acts with good intent, then one can more easily accept this article of faith.
Intertwining FemDom, or, I guess, D/s in general, and vanilla relationships, is definitely among the higher high wire acts.
Breathtaking when it works, painful when you fall....
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