On Being "Off"

I've been "off" lately.

Off. Not quite Me, somehow. It's annoying, frustrating, but temporary, I know.

I worry about it more in terms of the girls than I do for Myself. I know it's as transitory as it is inexplicable. It happens. It's not hormonal, as far as I can tell. It comes, it stays a while, then it's gone and I'm Me again. But I worry that My girls will suffer as a result of it, I feel as though it's not fair to them, in some way. Those fears are unfounded though, when I stop and rationally consider it. But still, part of not being Me is losing a little grip on rationality.

The knowledge that this feeling is temporary doesn't stop Me from examining it in excruciating detail, of course. This is a fruitless and humorous exercise. Fruitless because well, if I knew what was going on, I'd stop it and not have to indulge in the introspection. The humorous aspect comes afterwards when I realize 1) how fruitless it was, and 2) that I will do the exact same thing the next time it happens.

OK, I have an odd sense of humor, maybe.

I don't like the way I am when I'm off like this; that's no laughing matter. My normal patience is not quite there. I'm more likely to come right out and say exactly what I might be thinking without first considering the implications (which isn't always a bad thing, but it's just not Me). I lose My normal appreciation for food -- I barely care what I eat. I seem to sleep a normal amount but wake up tired. I feel as though I might be getting physically sick but nothing actually ever happens.

And the worst part is that when I'm like this, I really have to struggle to "feel" the girls. Normally that's an almost effortless thing among us . . . a gift that flows between us like a smooth current. When I'm like this, I have to work at it, and the results are not nearly as satisfying. And that is true sadness.

Well, enough whining for a Sunday morning. At a certain point, everything will feel completely normal and wonderful again, as mysteriously as it felt wrong and weird. Stuff happens.

Hurry up, stuff! Happen!